UPJOKE
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What's the difference between Astrology and Astronomy?

About 50 IQ points.

Am I shadow-banned from r/astronomy?

No one is replying to my comets.

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Did you knew that astronomy and proctology are similar?

\-Yeah? How?



\-Well, i used a telescope and saw Uranus

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My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

I said "well some marry the wrong people, and others slap the shit out of each other."

Samantha didn’t get the astronomy scholarship she hoped for.

But the school did name a cluster of stars after her. It was a constellation prize.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

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An astronomy teacher prepared two boxes filled with joke cards. The first box was filled with asteroids and the second one with comets. He then let one of this students pick a box...

The student picked the one with asteroids. He pick one card and read the joke out loud to the class. The class, however, didn't find the joke funny. Seeing this, the professor made the student pick another card out of the same box. Same thing happened. The confused student looked at his teacher and ...

My astronomy professor told me

I was his star pupil.

I lost my astronomy job at the observatory

No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't stay focused

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight...

The people who live above me are furious.

I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

What's the difference between astronomy and gastronomy?

Astronomy is about things too big to wrap your head around, while gastronomy is about things small enough to wrap your head around.

My astronomy professor told me it was possible for a white dwarf to turn into a red giant

I then told him to pull his pants back up.

Why do vegans hate astronomy?

Near Earth Objects are a bit meteor for their tastes

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.

What planet is she on?!

How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology?

Simple.

Just like with "Eco-", you don't consider it a science if it ends with "-logy"

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I used to think Science and Religion didn't mix, but my Astronomy professor is always talking about how sexy angels are

We even had an entire chapter devoted to Celestial Bodies, and let me tell you, some of them are incredibly hot.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

I was talking to my son about astronomy

Son-“how do stars die?”
Me-“well they normally overdoes”

So I entered an astronomy contest the other day...

...I didn't come first but I did get a constellation prize. :-)

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with...

I spent four years at college studying astronomy and didn't learn anything...

I guess you could say I took up space.

My Friend Failed Astronomy...

I failed too, if it's any constellation.

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I'm not all that interested in Astronomy but,

I really dig Uranus.

13,700,000,007

A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.

The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, “When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years...

Where are all the women in amateur astronomy?

At the other end of the telescope.

An astronomer walked into a bar.

He sat down and ordered a Guinness. The bartender got it for him and, hoping to get a better tip since the bar was slow, decided to make some small talk. Looking him over, the bartender noticed he was wearing a badge from a local observatory.

B: So, you work at the observatory, huh?

...

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A blonde was lying in the grass...

One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.

"Getting a tan?" he asks.

"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now ...

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

Some sciences as per my high school nephew...

Geology: All hail the Rock!
Psychology: brainception
Genetics: Punett squares and percentages
Chemistry: what is water?
Biology: no math for the love of God
Physics: 1001 ways to throw things
Astronomy: the nerds of the science world

A scientist is dining with a duke one day...

A scientist is dining with a duke one day, talking of chemistry and such. All is going well until the duke rings a bell and demands a test tube from his butler, who brings it to him forthwith. The duke sticks it in his pants, lets loose a thunderous fart, then caps the tube and hands it to the shock...

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