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Linguist Jokes

A linguist walks into a bar

Bartender: Sir, what beer would you like?

Linguist: IPA

Bartender: Oh sorry, \[sɜː, wɒt bɪə wəd jə laɪk\]

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

What do you call a world renowned linguist?

A figure of speech.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is a cunning linguist

Teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn about multisyllabic words. Can someone give me an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little ...

What language should the linguist end with?

Finnish!

A linguistics professor says during a lecture

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of th...

What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham?

NO-HAM CHOMPSKY

Why was the linguist sad?

Because the past was imperfect!

I was hit on by a linguist the other day

She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

What shoes do linguists wear?

Converse

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

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I’m dating a linguist at the moment.

I’m like: “Yeah, suck it good, bitch!”
She says: “Suck it _well_!”

A Linguist, a musician, and a content creator walk into a bar

They all start using slurs

Yay, linguistics.

waiter: what kind of beer would you like?
customer: IPA, please.
waiter: /wɑːt kaɪnd əv beɪr wʊd juː laɪk/?

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva throat singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?

The other one.

What is a linguist’s favorite kind of beer?

An IPA.

A junkie broke into the local linguistics department

They were looking for morpheme

How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?

He gave him a harsh sentence.

I'm no linguist, but all Germans really appreciate memes.

They always say 'feeling dank'

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

What do linguists do when they’re feeling naughty?

They get into some antics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw.The hard of hearing genie.

Three people ran into a genie on their way home.
The genie was holding a sign that read he will grant one wish per person, but the he is hard of hearing so wish carefully.
The first wisher, a young man, yelled his wish.
A twelve inch penis.
What he got was a twelve inch pianist.
The s...

What did the cunning linguist say to the angry german?

Why so sour, Kraut?

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

What did the linguistics professor fail Geometry?

He was really bad a translating!

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

As the alien onslaught continued, linguists were working furiously to translate the only message they’d received in response to our plea to understand why they were attacking.

The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. He told his aide, “They landed and I went up to the leader and greeted him in peace. They immediately ran back back to their ship, and started their assault.”

Just then, the lead linguist ran into the r...

I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...

We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life...

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life when Rod slips in a linguistic pun. Keith is not impressed and points out why the pun was so bad. The conversation continues and Rod tries to deftly insert another pun. Again, without even cracking a smile, Keith starts pointing out all the flaws...

I asked my friend if he preferred prescriptive or descriptive linguistics....

...he said, "It's **pro**scriptive".

You may be a master debater...

But I'm a cunning linguist.

Linguistics Student: "What's a glottal fricative?"

"*Heavy sigh*"

For the smart people

People who don't know the linguistic difference between Etymology and Entomology really bug me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

A group of linguists at the key note of a conference

They started chanting "Speech! Speech! Speech! ..."

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United Kingdom and their wide variety of fucks.

Two men are at the bar, making some idle conversation. One of the men is a linguist, and decides to tell his friend an interesting story.

"Hey, man! Did you know that, in the UK, each country has its own version of 'fuck?'"

His friend replies, "I haven't heard of that before, man. What...

Eating your family is wrong, but eating your wife isn't.

This sounds wrong, but I'm no cunning linguist.

Two chemist go to a bar

They sit at the counter and one chemist orders for his buddy.
“I’ll have a glass of H20, and he’ll have a glass of H20 too.”

The bartender is noticeably confused and looks to the gentlemen at the end of the bar.

The linguist replies. “Water you looking at me for?”

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

Did you hear the judge’s recent linguistic faux pas, when they were addressing a recently convicted defendant?

“I Order you to serve 2 years incarcerated, 2 years active probation, 1 year of passive probation, 400 hours of community service, evidence of completion of an education service approved by the court, submit to a mental health evaluation...,” etc., etc..

Yeah, it was a run-on sentence.

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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

- Is there a doctor in the room?

\- I'm a doctor

\- This man is having a heart attack

\- Well, I mean I'm a doctor in Spanish linguistics

\- He's dying, for fucks sake, he's dying!

\- Se está muriendo, coño, se está muriendo!

The Pope Dies and Goes to Heaven

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.


He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eo...

Car analogies

are the Toyota Corollas of linguistic comparisons.

Why should you date a guy who speaks multiple languages?

Because he's a cunning linguist.

The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush...

... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist.

What's the best way to get a Punjab in India?

Hire a cunning linguist.

Why do women date witty writers? NSFW

Because they enjoy cunning linguists.

Why do guys tell jokes when trying to pick up women?

Because ladies love cunning linguists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Holesome tale between 4 friends

4 men are playing golf together on a Sunday afternoon. One American, one French, one Spanish and one Japanese.

The French man goes first. He misses his first shot, but puts it in the second.

"Bon tir!" shouts the American.
"Merci!" comes the reply.

Next is the Spanish man. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the dinner table..

Dad: So how's college these days, kid? what classes are you taking?

Kid: Intro to linguistics. Ugh, it's a shitty course.

Dad: Language!

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