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The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"

"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

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Little Johnny is a cunning linguist

Teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn about multisyllabic words. Can someone give me an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"

The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"

Little ...

What language should the linguist end with?

Finnish!

A linguist walks into a bar

Bartender: Sir, what beer would you like?

Linguist: IPA

Bartender: Oh sorry, \[sɜː, wɒt bɪə wəd jə laɪk\]

A junkie broke into the local linguistics department

They were looking for morpheme

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

What do you call a world renowned linguist?

A figure of speech.

What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham?

NO-HAM CHOMPSKY

A Linguist, a musician, and a content creator walk into a bar

They all start using slurs

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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In the English language," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room says, "...

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

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I’m dating a linguist at the moment.

I’m like: “Yeah, suck it good, bitch!”
She says: “Suck it _well_!”

For the smart people

People who don't know the linguistic difference between Etymology and Entomology really bug me.

I was hit on by a linguist the other day

She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

What shoes do linguists wear?

Converse

How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?

He gave him a harsh sentence.

An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.

He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God's communications with humanity before they were re...

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

What is a linguist’s favorite kind of beer?

An IPA.

What is a linguist's least favorite kind of bread?

Whole Wheat.

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

I'm no linguist, but all Germans really appreciate memes.

They always say 'feeling dank'

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

My father is really fond of dirty jokes. So, one day I said to him, "Dad, you are such a cunning linguist."

To which he replied, "Son, that was such low hanging fruit it was slapping the back of my thighs."

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- Is there a doctor in the room?

\- I'm a doctor

\- This man is having a heart attack

\- Well, I mean I'm a doctor in Spanish linguistics

\- He's dying, for fucks sake, he's dying!

\- Se está muriendo, coño, se está muriendo!

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Nsfw.The hard of hearing genie.

Three people ran into a genie on their way home.
The genie was holding a sign that read he will grant one wish per person, but the he is hard of hearing so wish carefully.
The first wisher, a young man, yelled his wish.
A twelve inch penis.
What he got was a twelve inch pianist.
The s...

What did the cunning linguist say to the angry german?

Why so sour, Kraut?

Did you hear the judge’s recent linguistic faux pas, when they were addressing a recently convicted defendant?

“I Order you to serve 2 years incarcerated, 2 years active probation, 1 year of passive probation, 400 hours of community service, evidence of completion of an education service approved by the court, submit to a mental health evaluation...,” etc., etc..

Yeah, it was a run-on sentence.

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

I had a friend who studied linguistics at Oxford. To help pay tuition he tried moonlighting as a writer at a nudie mag, but it didn't work out.

He couldn't write a rhotic /r/

A group of linguists at the key note of a conference

They started chanting "Speech! Speech! Speech! ..."

Linguistics Student: "What's a glottal fricative?"

"*Heavy sigh*"

You may be a master debater...

But I'm a cunning linguist.

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

It's Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson...

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5...

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

I took a girl home last night after telling her I was good with my mouth...

We stayed up all night chatting, she eventually stormed off and I'm not sure why, maybe she doesn't think I'm the cunning linguist I claimed after all?

Eating your family is wrong, but eating your wife isn't.

This sounds wrong, but I'm no cunning linguist.

The mad old King

Once upon a time there was a King who was quite mad, through and through.
So mad in fact, that he would kill every daughter his wife bore as he only wanted sons.
He lived in a huge castle right next to the sea.

The kingdom that this King ruled over stretched far and wide. All the good...

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A Holesome tale between 4 friends

4 men are playing golf together on a Sunday afternoon. One American, one French, one Spanish and one Japanese.

The French man goes first. He misses his first shot, but puts it in the second.

"Bon tir!" shouts the American.
"Merci!" comes the reply.

Next is the Spanish man. He...

Why should you date a guy who speaks multiple languages?

Because he's a cunning linguist.

Why do guys tell jokes when trying to pick up women?

Because ladies love cunning linguists

The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush...

... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist.

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The United Kingdom and their wide variety of fucks.

Two men are at the bar, making some idle conversation. One of the men is a linguist, and decides to tell his friend an interesting story.

"Hey, man! Did you know that, in the UK, each country has its own version of 'fuck?'"

His friend replies, "I haven't heard of that before, man. What...

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The best poet

All the world's finest poets, writers, bards and linguists were gathered in a competition to determine the best among them. After a week of competing, the finalists left standing were a rabbi and an Australian shepherd. Their final task was to improvise a rhyme containing the word 'Timbuktu'.
...

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Dea-th or Ka-bo-chi?

Three archaeologists are investigating a site deep in the jungles of Africa when they get caught by the jungle's tribesmen.

They are brought to the village where the village elder asks the first one.
"Dea-th or Ka-bo-chi?"
Fearing the worst, the first archeologist chooses Ka-bo-chi.<...

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the p...

Two chemist go to a bar

They sit at the counter and one chemist orders for his buddy.
“I’ll have a glass of H20, and he’ll have a glass of H20 too.”

The bartender is noticeably confused and looks to the gentlemen at the end of the bar.

The linguist replies. “Water you looking at me for?”

I went to a bookstore the other day ...

After wandering around for a while, an employee in a colored apron approached me.

"Can I help you find anything, sir?"

"Oh, yes. Sure. I'm looking for a book about turtles."

"Hardback?" she inquired.

"Yep, and little heads."

---

Retelling of a joke by Mark ...

What's the best way to get a Punjab in India?

Hire a cunning linguist.

Bubba n' Buford IV

Law enforcement officers in east Texas must also be linguists on occasion just to communicate. Take the time Bubba n' Buford were pulled over outside of Madisonville and the officer walked up and simply said "You boys have any ID?". Now that would seem a simple, clearly understood request...but no...

"Complete" versus "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, it was addressed this way:

“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And,...

Someone explain the joke

The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

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