A recent scientific study reveals that fertility is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

TIL the scientific term for discarding a rotten orange:

Impeachment

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,

94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

My friend told me my hobbies were too basic

That was the most scientific way I've ever been offered acid

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

Two scientists are talking about what scientific name they should give a species they found

Scientist 1:how about this *slams hand on keyboard*


Scientist 2:too short let me try *slams head on keyboard multiple times*


Scientist 1:perfect

People have always called me a Crackpot Doctor

But I firmly believe in the Scientific Meth-head

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

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A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

Birthdays are healthy

It's been scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays, usually live longer

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

yo mama so fat.... (that's right)

that the scientific community agreed your birth was conclusive evidence of the big bang

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

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Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

What Makes A Man Attractive On A Scientific Level?

It's in his jeans.

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Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.



It's called a wedding cake.

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

Einstein had to speak at an important scientific conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

[TIL] The scientific reason Canadian geese flight pattern is always more geese on one side.

Geese can't count

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

Accordion to several scientific reports and surveys,

When replacing words with instruments they tend to go unnoticed.

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

Why was Al Gore scientifically a great dancer?

Because of his Al Gore Rythyms.

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The Machine

The Machine

Two criminally insane robotics engineers, Frank and Ned, are working on their mad personal robotics projects in their jointly rented workshop. Though both are criminally insane geniuses, neither can afford to rent a warehouse of their own, so they pitch in together and share one w...

I was part of a scientific study on the calming effects of listening to the Three Tenors.

I felt great, but was in the control group. It turns out I was listening to Placebo Domingo.

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

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A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

A Reunion for the Greatest Scientific minds in our history

In response to an invitation for a rather unusual reunion party of the all-time greats, the following responses were recorded :

Newton said he'd drop in.

Socrates said he'd think about it.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin sai...

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

What scientific principle is demonstrated when cookies fall out of the cupboard?

Fig Newton's law.

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over not...

My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy.

It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

Question: Scientifically speaking, how do you make a hormone?

Answer: don't pay her.

What is the favorite scientific unit of the French?

RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )

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Three scientific studies about the penis

There were three scientific studies conducted to determine why the head of the penis has a greater circumference than the shaft.

The first study spent $10 thousand and determined that it was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

The second study spent $100 thousand and dete...

A scientific joke

Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium!

scientific joke

Scientists were playing hide and seek. Einstein was seeker.

Amongst the other scientists, Newton did not hide and stood in a 1 meter square.

Einstein: I found you Newton, I-spy

Newton: I am not Newton, as I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am newton per meter square: I am Pascal...

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid

A few friends told me how badly it went for them.

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?

Ducks like a quack.

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Scientific name for Viagra

Mycoxafloppin

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the resul...

What is the scientific measurement for moistness?

Digits...

A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns.

Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool.

What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees?

A graduated cylinder.

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This is the only joke I've ever thought of.

Recent Scientific Discovery: Diarrhea Is Genetic.

It runs in your genes.

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