What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

Scientific Quacks say that water has memory...

If that is true than the water that was in my toilet must have severe PTSD.

What is the scientific name for a dog that smokes marijuana

Cannabis lupus

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one-up on one of history’s greatest scientific genuises

Because I’m not dead.

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The scientific community has finally agreed to rename the planet Uranus

to Urmama

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

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Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow?

Mourning Wood

Did you know that the Jetsons dog had scientific PhD?

He was an Astro physicist.

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Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

What is the scientific name for mansplaining?

Correctyle Dysfunction

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

It's been scientifically proven ants can't get Covid-19

They have little antibodies

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

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I recently read an article in a scientific journal about a little boy who was born without eyelids so they used his foreskin to make him some.

Now he’s cockeyed.

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

Why are there Religious holidays but no Scientific holiday?

Because Science always works.

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

Did you here about the anti-vaxer with legit scientific evidence?

Yeah, me neither

Scientific studies show that women who are overweight

Live significantly longer than the men who mention it.

Just a joke...please don't kill me

A recent scientific study shows that,

Out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 percent are too lazy to actually read that number.

I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered

The Theory of General Relativity.

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

"Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia" is the scientific term

For...erm...bear with me..

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

New scientific study claims that fertility is

Heriditary. If your parents didn't have any children, there's a 100% chance you won't either.

Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

A New Scientific Study on Vaccines

A new scientific study came out recently proving a correlation between vaccines and adults with autism.
The reason given to this correlation was the children without vaccines died before becoming adults

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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

TIL the scientific name for mucus in your nose is nasal ejaculent

No it's snot

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

I’ve been performing a scientific study on toddlers. When they trip and smash their heads they sometimes cry; but other times they jump right back up laughing. I can’t figure out a pattern that explains the difference in behaviour. Maybe my sample size is too small for accurate results.

I’ll trip another 100 and report back

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

Scientific joke

I was going to make a Sodium joke but Na, it's going to be too salty for you.

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

What Makes A Man Attractive On A Scientific Level?

It's in his jeans.

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

What do u call a comedian scientifically?

A humor being!

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

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Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.



It's called a wedding cake.

A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism?

A Hannibal Lecture.

Einstein had to speak at an important scientific conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

Why was Al Gore scientifically a great dancer?

Because of his Al Gore Rythyms.

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over not...

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

Accordion to several scientific reports and surveys,

When replacing words with instruments they tend to go unnoticed.

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

I was part of a scientific study on the calming effects of listening to the Three Tenors.

I felt great, but was in the control group. It turns out I was listening to Placebo Domingo.

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

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A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

A Reunion for the Greatest Scientific minds in our history

In response to an invitation for a rather unusual reunion party of the all-time greats, the following responses were recorded :

Newton said he'd drop in.

Socrates said he'd think about it.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin sai...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

What scientific principle is demonstrated when cookies fall out of the cupboard?

Fig Newton's law.

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Three scientific studies about the penis

There were three scientific studies conducted to determine why the head of the penis has a greater circumference than the shaft.

The first study spent $10 thousand and determined that it was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

The second study spent $100 thousand and dete...

A scientific joke

Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium!

scientific joke

Scientists were playing hide and seek. Einstein was seeker.

Amongst the other scientists, Newton did not hide and stood in a 1 meter square.

Einstein: I found you Newton, I-spy

Newton: I am not Newton, as I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am newton per meter square: I am Pascal...

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy.

It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid

A few friends told me how badly it went for them.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?

Ducks like a quack.

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the resul...

What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees?

A graduated cylinder.

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This is the only joke I've ever thought of.

The mystery of the murder of crows

(This is my favorite joke that I read on here years ago, I haven't seen it in a while... Figure it's time for a repost... Forgive me if it's been more recent then I believe)

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA) found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and ...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

The most admirable quality of Greek and Roman culture:

their ability to give terms to scientific phenomenon centuries before they were discovered.

What do you call an anti vaxxer’s children.

Scientific donations.

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A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

Recent Scientific Discovery: Diarrhea Is Genetic.

It runs in your genes.

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

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An old Indian joke. Hope it wasn’t posted before!

A man enters a scientific convention on a whim and there he hears the speaker raising a question to the audience.

“What is the fastest thing known to man?”

The scholars decide to give different answers based on their area of expertise.

The philosopher knowing they can defend t...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

A little girl asks her mom where babies come from.

The mom has been preparing for this so she explains the process using scientifically correct terms but in a way the young girl can understand. Afterwards she asks, "Do you have any questions?"

The little girl thinks for a few seconds and then says, "How does the daddy's sperm get into the mo...

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

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