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There is a scientific unit called a butt-load

But they don't use it for shit

What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow?

Mourning Wood

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

It's been scientifically proven ants can't get Covid-19

They have little antibodies

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

I performed a scientific study the other day...

I was surprised by the results. With an alpha value less than .05, it was the first time anything I've done is significant!

Why are there Religious holidays but no Scientific holiday?

Because Science always works.

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

Did you here about the anti-vaxer with legit scientific evidence?

Yeah, me neither

A New Scientific Study on Vaccines

A new scientific study came out recently proving a correlation between vaccines and adults with autism.
The reason given to this correlation was the children without vaccines died before becoming adults

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

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I recently read an article in a scientific journal about a little boy who was born without eyelids so they used his foreskin to make him some.

Now he’s cockeyed.

Scientific studies show that women who are overweight

Live significantly longer than the men who mention it.

Just a joke...please don't kill me

I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered

The Theory of General Relativity.

A recent scientific study shows that,

Out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 percent are too lazy to actually read that number.

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

"Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia" is the scientific term

For...erm...bear with me..

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

A recent scientific study reveals that fertility is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

TIL the scientific term for discarding a rotten orange:

Impeachment

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

Two scientists are talking about what scientific name they should give a species they found

Scientist 1:how about this *slams hand on keyboard*


Scientist 2:too short let me try *slams head on keyboard multiple times*


Scientist 1:perfect

Scientific joke

I was going to make a Sodium joke but Na, it's going to be too salty for you.

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

The most admirable quality of Greek and Roman culture:

their ability to give terms to scientific phenomenon centuries before they were discovered.

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

What Makes A Man Attractive On A Scientific Level?

It's in his jeans.

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

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Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.



It's called a wedding cake.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

Einstein had to speak at an important scientific conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

The mystery of the murder of crows

(This is my favorite joke that I read on here years ago, I haven't seen it in a while... Figure it's time for a repost... Forgive me if it's been more recent then I believe)

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority (MTA) found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and ...

Accordion to several scientific reports and surveys,

When replacing words with instruments they tend to go unnoticed.

A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.

What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism?

A Hannibal Lecture.

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

Why was Al Gore scientifically a great dancer?

Because of his Al Gore Rythyms.

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

[TIL] The scientific reason Canadian geese flight pattern is always more geese on one side.

Geese can't count

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An old Indian joke. Hope it wasn’t posted before!

A man enters a scientific convention on a whim and there he hears the speaker raising a question to the audience.

“What is the fastest thing known to man?”

The scholars decide to give different answers based on their area of expertise.

The philosopher knowing they can defend t...

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

I was part of a scientific study on the calming effects of listening to the Three Tenors.

I felt great, but was in the control group. It turns out I was listening to Placebo Domingo.

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

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A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

A Reunion for the Greatest Scientific minds in our history

In response to an invitation for a rather unusual reunion party of the all-time greats, the following responses were recorded :

Newton said he'd drop in.

Socrates said he'd think about it.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin sai...

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

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Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin.

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over not...

My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy.

It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

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Three scientific studies about the penis

There were three scientific studies conducted to determine why the head of the penis has a greater circumference than the shaft.

The first study spent $10 thousand and determined that it was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

The second study spent $100 thousand and dete...

A scientific joke

Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium!

scientific joke

Scientists were playing hide and seek. Einstein was seeker.

Amongst the other scientists, Newton did not hide and stood in a 1 meter square.

Einstein: I found you Newton, I-spy

Newton: I am not Newton, as I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am newton per meter square: I am Pascal...

What is the favorite scientific unit of the French?

RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

A little girl asks her mom where babies come from.

The mom has been preparing for this so she explains the process using scientifically correct terms but in a way the young girl can understand. Afterwards she asks, "Do you have any questions?"

The little girl thinks for a few seconds and then says, "How does the daddy's sperm get into the mo...

I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid

A few friends told me how badly it went for them.

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?

Ducks like a quack.

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the resul...

A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns.

Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool.

What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees?

A graduated cylinder.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the only joke I've ever thought of.

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

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