UPJOKE
empiricalbiologyknowledgephysicsmathematicstheoryscientisttechnologicalastronomyresearchexperimentchemistrytechnologynatural sciencenature

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

TIL there's a scientific term for aquatic mammals losing their fur through evolution

It's called Whale Pattern Baldness.

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

It has been scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health....

The more of them you have, the longer you live!

Scientific Quacks say that water has memory...

If that is true than the water that was in my toilet must have severe PTSD.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one-up on one of history’s greatest scientific genuises

Because I’m not dead.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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The scientific community has finally agreed to rename the planet Uranus

to Urmama

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

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Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

What is the scientific name for mansplaining?

Correctyle Dysfunction

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

What is the scientific name of a Weeping Willow?

Mourning Wood

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

Did you know that the Jetsons dog had scientific PhD?

He was an Astro physicist.

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

A new scientific study claims that fertility is hereditary...

If your parents didn't have any children, chances are you won't either.

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

Why are there Religious holidays but no Scientific holiday?

Because Science always works.

Did you here about the anti-vaxer with legit scientific evidence?

Yeah, me neither

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Scientific studies show that women who are overweight

Live significantly longer than the men who mention it.

Just a joke...please don't kill me

It's been scientifically proven ants can't get Covid-19

They have little antibodies

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

A recent scientific study shows that,

Out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94 percent are too lazy to actually read that number.

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

A man stormed into the Doctor's office

A man stormed into the doctor’s office full of excitement. He grabbed the doctor’s hand and pumping it furiously, exclaimed “Doc, I just want to thank you and tell you how your treatments have improved my life! The bold way that incorporate new scientific breakthroughs with traditional holistic has ...

I was doing some scientific research on the House of Hapsburgs and I have now discovered

The Theory of General Relativity.

A scientific study was conducted on ants...

There was a scientific study conducted on various species of ants investigating the correlation between their heights and how their feet operate.
Shorter ants were found to have little nubs on the end of their feet that operate similarly to toes on humans and primates.
This was not seen in lar...

"Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia" is the scientific term

For...erm...bear with me..

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

A New Scientific Study on Vaccines

A new scientific study came out recently proving a correlation between vaccines and adults with autism.
The reason given to this correlation was the children without vaccines died before becoming adults

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

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A recent scientific study reveals that women have cleaner minds than men.

This, scientists say is basically due to the fact that they change them every fucking 10 seconds or so.

What is the scientific name for a child's fear of sitting on Santa's lap at the mall?

Claustrophobia

TIL the scientific name for mucus in your nose is nasal ejaculent

No it's snot

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It's true!

Scientific studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid mother fuckers.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

What Makes A Man Attractive On A Scientific Level?

It's in his jeans.

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

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Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.



It's called a wedding cake.

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism?

A Hannibal Lecture.

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

Einstein had to speak at an important scientific conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over not...

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

Accordion to several scientific reports and surveys,

When replacing words with instruments they tend to go unnoticed.

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Superstition

I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".
I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"
He explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow Friday, Saturda...

Why was Al Gore scientifically a great dancer?

Because of his Al Gore Rythyms.

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

I was part of a scientific study on the calming effects of listening to the Three Tenors.

I felt great, but was in the control group. It turns out I was listening to Placebo Domingo.

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A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

A Reunion for the Greatest Scientific minds in our history

In response to an invitation for a rather unusual reunion party of the all-time greats, the following responses were recorded :

Newton said he'd drop in.

Socrates said he'd think about it.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin sai...

What scientific principle is demonstrated when cookies fall out of the cupboard?

Fig Newton's law.

scientific joke

Scientists were playing hide and seek. Einstein was seeker.

Amongst the other scientists, Newton did not hide and stood in a 1 meter square.

Einstein: I found you Newton, I-spy

Newton: I am not Newton, as I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am newton per meter square: I am Pascal...

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Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin.

A scientific joke

Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium!

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Three scientific studies about the penis

There were three scientific studies conducted to determine why the head of the penis has a greater circumference than the shaft.

The first study spent $10 thousand and determined that it was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

The second study spent $100 thousand and dete...

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy.

It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

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Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the resul...

What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?

Ducks like a quack.

What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees?

A graduated cylinder.

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This is the only joke I've ever thought of.

A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns.

Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

Recent Scientific Discovery: Diarrhea Is Genetic.

It runs in your genes.

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