Two scientists are talking about what scientific name they should give a species they found

Scientist 1:how about this *slams hand on keyboard*


Scientist 2:too short let me try *slams head on keyboard multiple times*


Scientist 1:perfect

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

New scientific study claims that fertility is

Heriditary. If your parents didn't have any children, there's a 100% chance you won't either.

I’ve been performing a scientific study on toddlers. When they trip and smash their heads they sometimes cry; but other times they jump right back up laughing. I can’t figure out a pattern that explains the difference in behaviour. Maybe my sample size is too small for accurate results.

I’ll trip another 100 and report back

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

A Scientific Joke !!

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton draws ...

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

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Scientific Discovery

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.



It's called a wedding cake.

Einstein had to speak at an important scientific conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

[TIL] The scientific reason Canadian geese flight pattern is always more geese on one side.

Geese can't count

What Makes A Man Attractive On A Scientific Level?

It's in his jeans.

Accordion to several scientific reports and surveys,

When replacing words with instruments they tend to go unnoticed.

What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism?

A Hannibal Lecture.

A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.

I was part of a scientific study on the calming effects of listening to the Three Tenors.

I felt great, but was in the control group. It turns out I was listening to Placebo Domingo.

There was a scientific study showing that bearded men are more attractive...

...than bearded women.

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

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A recent scientific study found that 95% of all homosexuals are indeed born that way....

The other 5% just get sucked into it.

A Reunion for the Greatest Scientific minds in our history

In response to an invitation for a rather unusual reunion party of the all-time greats, the following responses were recorded :

Newton said he'd drop in.

Socrates said he'd think about it.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin sai...

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

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Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin.

Scientific research recently revealed....

Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over not...

My friend always wants to talk about the scientific principle of buoyancy.

It's not interesting to me, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

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I've been reading a scientific paper on the effects of group masturbation

It's rather long so I need someone to help me finish.

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

What is the favorite scientific unit of the French?

RPM ( Revolutions Per Minute )

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Three scientific studies about the penis

There were three scientific studies conducted to determine why the head of the penis has a greater circumference than the shaft.

The first study spent $10 thousand and determined that it was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

The second study spent $100 thousand and dete...

A scientific joke

Q: Why are Curium, Helium, and Barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't Curium or Helium them, you Barium!

scientific joke

Scientists were playing hide and seek. Einstein was seeker.

Amongst the other scientists, Newton did not hide and stood in a 1 meter square.

Einstein: I found you Newton, I-spy

Newton: I am not Newton, as I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am newton per meter square: I am Pascal...

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
...

I hear scientists have recently started using lawyers as opposed to rats for scientific experiments...

They do this for two reasons;

One, The scientists become less attached to the lawyers.

And two, there are certain things that even *rats* won't do.


(This is a joke from the film, **Hook**. I never realized how funny it was)

What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?

Ducks like a quack.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the resul...

A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns.

Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool.

What is the scientific measurement for moistness?

Digits...

People have always called me a Crackpot Doctor

But I firmly believe in the Scientific Meth-head

What do you call a scientific measuring instrument with degrees?

A graduated cylinder.

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This is the only joke I've ever thought of.

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

What do you get if you cross a cat with an octopus?

Arrested under the Animal Scientific Procedures Act 1986.

[Joke I wrote for a scientists do standup event]

yo mama so fat.... (that's right)

that the scientific community agreed your birth was conclusive evidence of the big bang

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Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

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"Hey, check out that nice pair of tits," says the older man to the teenager beside him.

"What are the common and scientific names?"

"Baeolophus bicolor, or tufted titmouse" says the college student. "I love birdwatching, professor! Thanks for pointing those out!"

There is a country that is still mostly undocumented

This country is not too large in size, but it's covered by miles and miles of tar. It's gone by many names, such as "The Country of Tar," and still lacks an official title. According to the few documents that exist for it, the tar covering the country could conceal countless amounts of undiscovered ...

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

“Last Jewish Comic Standing,” was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son’s Bar Mitzvah reception.

Each guest pulled a classic Jewish joke written on a piece of paper and told the joke to the crowd.

To prepare for this competition my wife, two son...

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[Long]A Theoretical Physicist is working diligently in his office at Columbia University.

With him is one of his graduate students minding her own business grading some of the first year students term papers. He is generally motionless except for the waggling of his pencil on the notebook he's doing sums in and the occasional pause to take a sip of his Jasmine tea.

All of a sudde...

What do you call two doctors

What do you call two paralyzed doctors with good *standing* in the scientific community.

A *paradox*.

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3 scientists are praising how far along their country's advancement has come...

An English, Canadian, and Australian scientist are all praising how far along their along their country's scientific advancement has come.

The Australian scientist says "We've come so far, we took the hand of a man, built a body around it, and now he's out looking for a job."

The Canad...

The Professor and his driver

A big company Professor has been giving weekly scientific speeches at all kinds of conventions throughout the country for a number of years. Always accompanied by his personal driver James.

One day, on their way to a big congress, James looks into his bosses eyes through his rear view mirror...

Give a man a fish and he'll feed himself for a day.

Make the man a fish and you'll feed scientific curiosity for a lifetime.

WARNING TO ALL LORRY DRIVERS

Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death ...

Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates.

A scientist dies and goes to the Golden Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. The poor scientist has never believed but was a good man, so St. Peter is conflicted. He eventually decides to send the man to Hell. He is initially very frightened because, well, it's hell, but he eventuall...

I had this phone conversation the other day.

Me: “Consider this: like, right now, as we speak, there are human beings, like you and me, living in outer space. How crazy it is that we, as the human race, have collectively gathered the resources and technology required to haul dozens of tons of materials, entire habitats, up 350 thousand kilomet...

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A man with half an orange as a head

A man with half an orange for a head walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says, 'Okay, man, I just have to know. I'll shout you a beer if you tell me just how your head came to be half an orange.' The man sits down at the bar and says, 'Well, it happened like this.'

'I'm ...

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Albert Einstein and Benjamin Franklin go camping.

They arrive at the campsite and set their tent up and get everything ready. Night time comes and they decide to go into the tent and go to sleep.

During the night Albert wakes up and can see the stars so he wakes up Benjamin and asks him "Hey we can see the stars what does this mean?' Benjam...

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The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

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What's the fastest thing on Earth?

Four men are being interviewed as part of a scientific survey that is being conducted in order to determine what's the fastest thing on earth.
The first man says,"I think that it's probably a blink because you can blink so quickly that sometimes you don't even realize that your blinking."
The ...

An team of aliens comes to Earth to study the planet.

A group of aliens land on the planet with the intent of studying the planet for scientific purposes. The humans agree to their wishes and allow them to do what they want as long as they don't do any harm or damage. So the aliens create a research site and begin what they came to do.

First the...

Why there are led lights now!

Two physics PhD guys and mathematician PhD after a conference sit in a hotel lobby and having drinks. Suddenly the light bulb burns out over their head and maintenance guy comes and changes the light bulb. While changing it, he hands the burnt out light bulb over to the mathematician who puts it car...

So some helium walk into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

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