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A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to He...

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What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

What does a philosopher from Alabama say when asked about his dating life?

It’s all relative

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "I...

A Greek philosopher’s lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating.

Episteme off.

Did you hear about the philosopher who went to the strip club?

He was deep in THOT.

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

What did the uncertain, Amish philosopher say?

I think, therefore I am-ish...

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”

The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

A matematician, a philosopher and an accountant are applying for an important position within a prestigious company

During the interview the CEO askes each of them a simple question: how much is 2+2?

The matematician: Definitely 4, no doubt about it!

The philosopher: The answer in itself is not important, what matters is why did the question manifest itself.

The accountant, leaning forward an...

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

The eighteenth century German philosopher Immanuel Kant argued that eating GORP was better than eating raisins or peanuts on their own.

You can read his argument in his book, "A Critique of Pure Raisin."

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

What did the monk say to the philosopher supermodel?

"Begone thought."

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

Why did the philosopher cross the road?

It's a question I've often asked myself.

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

How do philosophers greet each other?

"Why are you?"

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A philosopher, an electrician and a redneck walk into a bar

And they started arguing what was the fastest thing ever:

- From my point of view - says the philosopher - it's the thought, it has gone through your mind before you even notice it!

- Well - Says the electrician - to me, it's electricity, the moment you turn the lights on, they're on! ...

A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....

......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

What's the difference between your dentist and a philosopher?

Your dentist helps you solve molar dilemmas.

A priest, a philosopher and a politician are playing golf. However, the holes are being blocked by a man seemingly doing silly moves with the club and failing to reach the holes.

The three men start complaining, but the field's manager tells them that the man is blind.

The priest says:

- I'm thankful to Lord that he has given me the sight to see people's failings and tell them the Gospel!

The philosopher says:

- When you think about it, the diffic...

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

Hear about the famous Philosopher Karl?

He died Jung

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What did the Palestinian philosopher say after he hit the nuclear button?

"What Israel?"

How did I become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer

What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea?

Certain *tea*

Have you seen the entitled philosopher preaching outside the women’s dorm today?

What a Kant.

Can you imagine referring to philosophers by their first initial and last name?

Because I Kant.

What’s the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?


What's the name of a lackluster Greek philosopher?


What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?

A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.

How can you tell if someone is a philosopher?

It depends on what you mean by "philosopher".

My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher.

Such a deep sinker.

I was trying to think of a good philosopher pun

...but I Kant

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.

What do you call a fuzzy philosopher?


I'm so sorry

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

Two philosophers are having a discussion about the morality of swords. To back up their claims, one of them picks up a sword and shouts "The tip of this sword could never pierce your leather vest" and proceeds to lunge the sword into their chest

Coughing up blood, the wounded philosopher weakly replies "That's a good point"

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...

They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a backdoor somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.

Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goe...

Why didn't the philosopher like your way of making 20 cents?

Because it was different from his paradigms.

What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease

Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

My children made me a philosopher

I'm always stopping and asking myself why

All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived...

A long time ago, and probably in Greece

A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?"

The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?"

The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

What most philosophers can...

Emmanuel Kant.

What kind of shirts do philosophers wear

Soccer tees

I know a Spanish philosopher and he lives in my kitchen...

His name is Plato.

I believe the theological philosopher Thomas Aquinas was rather overweight......

I guess this makes him an early deep fat friar

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Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

The philosopher says the glass is half empty, the optimist says the glass is half full....

The sjw says the glass is half-fluid.

What did the linguinist say to the philosopher?

A penne for your thoughts.

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

A philosopher asked, "what's worse, ignorance or apathy?"

The pupil replied, " I don't know, and I don't care!"

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because t...

What do you call a group of philosophers?

An argument.

After a lecture, tall intimidating student approaches Philosopher Slavoj Zizeck and asks...

"Why do I find Lacan so hard to understand ? I read and I read but I just don't get it."

Zizeck looks the student up and down for a moment, and then answers

"It'sh becaushe you Ar shtupid."

The student considers this for a moment and replies " Are you just telling me what I ...

TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse

Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

completely possible my Dad heard it somewhere else, or perhaps it came to him originally like the many other examples posted. Gotta trust yo pops tho.

A philosopher and a political scientist are drinking lemonade on a porch in a nudist colony. The philosopher says, "I suppose you've read Marx?"

The political scientist replies, "Yes! It's these darn wicker chairs!"

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A group of philosophers entered a statue contest…

After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top.
The judge said, "Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect ...

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

A philosopher goes to a hotel.

Philosopher: Can I get a room please?
Receptionist: Sure. Which one? 2B or not 2B?

I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.

Must've been the soccer tees.

Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates?

His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers...

but I Kant.

My girlfriend's dad asked me how hard it is being a philosopher.

It's quite easy to love your daughter.

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – its a pseudo-problem… light bulbs give off light (hence the name). If the bulb was broken and wasn’t giving off light, it wouldn’t be a ‘light bulb’ now would it? And if it wasn't broken, then why does it need changing?

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

~ Infinite Jest, by DFW

Two nudists philosophers were sitting around when one of them asked the other, "Have you read Marx?"

The other one replied "Yes, I think it's the wicker furniture".

What do you call an American linguist, philosopher, cognitive scientist, logician, political commentator, social justice activist, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate who doesn't eat ham?


Who are the greatest philosophers today?

The TSA. They are always asking people, "Who are you?", "Where did you come from?", "Why are you here?", and "Where are you going?"

What's a philosophers favorite toy?


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