The 99+ Best Philosopher Jokes

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,

but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

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What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

Socrates the philosopher

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering...

A Nigerian philosopher once said…

“I think, therefore I scam.”

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

Which Greek philosopher had the most hair?

Follikles

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

Why did the pencil become a philosopher?

It always had a point

Why did the chef philosopher always put mushrooms in every dish that he made?

He claimed it was a morel imperative.

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

What did an Australian philosopher say to the German philosopher?

Oi Kant

What's a Philosophers favourite sport?

Discuss

How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

Three philosophers walk into bar.

Three philosophers walk into a bar: a nihilist, a fatalist, and an absurdist. They all are served an empty shotglass, which they dutifully and gladly accept.

The first two stay sober but the absurdist still gets hammered.

Famous Philosophers

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

How does somebody become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer.

What did the philosopher say after he took a bath?

"I stink, therefore I swam."

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A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.

fuck u/spez -- mass edited with redact.dev

Some philosopher said “Change does not come from a place of comfort.”, but he was wrong.

I’m always finding loose coins in my couch.

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A philosopher died and went to heaven...

...and God told him "Ask me any question in the world, and I will answer it. But only one, I'm a very busy God"
The man thought for a second and asked "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
God replied "How the fuck do you get an egg to come?"

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

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Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

What is the difference between a philosopher and a dentist?

A dentist helps you solve *molar* dilemmas

Do philosophers use diapers?

It depends.

What did the Prussian philosopher say when he was asked to teach religion ?

I Kant

Why did the ancient philosopher build 2 spots to park his boat?

We’ll never know, it’s a paradox.

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A Philosopher once said...

Condoms are for fucking pussies.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

A group of philosophers go to a bar and order a round of drinks

But they wouldn't sell to them because one was too Jung

Why did the philosopher scream?

He was Ari-startled.

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

Who is the Easter bunny’s favorite philosopher?

Heidegger

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

Have you met the shower philosopher?

He was always a loufah.

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

Edit:
completely possible my Dad heard it somewhere else, or perhaps it came to him originally like the many other examples posted. Gotta trust yo pops tho.

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

Why did the philosopher cross the road?

It's a question I've often asked myself.

An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...

The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

A philosopher says to a linguist...

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before...

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, that's a good question.

Why doesn’t the philosopher like to do archery?

Because he Kant hit the Marx.

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

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Philosophers only want one thing

And it’s fucking discussing.

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours...

Imagine studying all of your life to become a philosopher

When you can just look up the definition of a word

A poor philosopher walks up to a pimp and says...

"A penny for your thots."

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

What's a philosopher's favorite sports attire?

soccer tees.

If you assault a French philosopher while smoking THC wax, you’re...

Hitting da cart while hitting Descartes

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland a...

How do you get a philosopher off of your porch?

Pay for the pizza! (Hey Kendall!)

A priest, a philosopher, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and the priest says "God created all things!"

The philosopher says "But who created god?"

And the conspiracy theorist says "I think we're all just inside a computer and we're put into this exact situation by some weirdo as a sick joke!"

What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea?

Certain *tea*

My children made me a philosopher

I'm always stopping and asking myself why

What does a philosopher from Alabama say when asked about his dating life?

It’s all relative

What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease

Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

Hear about the famous Philosopher Karl?

He died Jung

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”

The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

What did the monk say to the philosopher supermodel?

"Begone thought."

How can you tell if someone is a philosopher?

It depends on what you mean by "philosopher".

A philosopher goes to a hotel.

Philosopher: Can I get a room please?
Receptionist: Sure. Which one? 2B or not 2B?

Did you hear about the philosopher who went to the strip club?

He was deep in THOT.

A French philosopher and a horse walk into a bar...

The philosopher decides what he wants and walks up to the bar first. The bartender says "no no no", you never put Descartes before the horse.

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First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.

Husband : What? You had three divorces before.

Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.

Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.

And the third was an engineer. He wante...

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

A philosopher and a political scientist are drinking lemonade on a porch in a nudist colony. The philosopher says, "I suppose you've read Marx?"

The political scientist replies, "Yes! It's these darn wicker chairs!"

A philosopher asked, "what's worse, ignorance or apathy?"

The pupil replied, " I don't know, and I don't care!"

What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?

A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.

Philosophical Q&A

An angel came down for a meeting of the Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’...

Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno"

I've never finished it for some reason.

A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....

......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.

Why do philosophers have bad teeth?

Because they don’t get transcendental plans.

My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher.

Such a deep sinker.

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

What did the linguinist say to the philosopher?

A penne for your thoughts.

A Greek philosopher’s lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating.

Episteme off.

I was trying to think of a good philosopher pun

...but I Kant

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A philosopher, an electrician and a redneck walk into a bar

And they started arguing what was the fastest thing ever:

- From my point of view - says the philosopher - it's the thought, it has gone through your mind before you even notice it!

- Well - Says the electrician - to me, it's electricity, the moment you turn the lights on, they're on! ...

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Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.

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