UPJOKE
philosophyaristotleimmanuel kantscholarpythagorasnietzschenaturalistplatotheologythinkertheoristmetaphysicslogicianbertrand russellmill

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,

but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

How does somebody become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer.

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Hmmm... well, there's an interesting question, isn't it?

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

What did the Prussian philosopher say when he was asked to teach religion ?

I Kant

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Do philosophers use diapers?

It depends.

What's a Philosophers favourite sport?

Discuss

Three philosophers walk into bar.

Three philosophers walk into a bar: a nihilist, a fatalist, and an absurdist. They all are served an empty shotglass, which they dutifully and gladly accept.


The first two stay sober but the absurdist still gets hammered.

Why did the ancient philosopher build 2 spots to park his boat?

We’ll never know, it’s a paradox.

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heave...

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"

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A philosopher died and went to heaven...

...and God told him "Ask me any question in the world, and I will answer it. But only one, I'm a very busy God"
The man thought for a second and asked "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
God replied "How the fuck do you get an egg to come?"

How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

What is the difference between a philosopher and a dentist?

A dentist helps you solve *molar* dilemmas

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar

Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts

Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics

Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics

"hearty laughter"

Philosopher: But alas my goo...

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

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What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

A philosopher saw a pimp having a sale on some of his hoes

The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...

The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"

Famous Philosophers

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

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A Philosopher once said...

Condoms are for fucking pussies.

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Two nudist philosophers are sitting by the pool and one says, "Have you read Marx?

The other replies, "Yes, I believe it's from the cane chairs."

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

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Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

3 men die and head to the gates of heaven

One is a mathematician. One is a philosopher. One is a lawyer. St. Peter is there to determine if he will let them in. He tells all three men he is going to ask them a question and that if they get it correct they will enter heaven.

He pulls the mathematician into a room and asks him: “What ...

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

Why doesn’t the philosopher like to do archery?

Because he Kant hit the Marx.

A priest, a philosopher, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and the priest says "God created all things!"

The philosopher says "But who created god?"

And the conspiracy theorist says "I think we're all just inside a computer and we're put into this exact situation by some weirdo as a sick joke!"

Why did the philosopher cross the road?

It's a question I've often asked myself.

Imagine studying all of your life to become a philosopher

When you can just look up the definition of a word

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno"

I've never finished it for some reason.

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease

Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

Edit:
completely possible my Dad heard it somewhere else, or perhaps it came to him originally like the many other examples posted. Gotta trust yo pops tho.

What does a philosopher from Alabama say when asked about his dating life?

It’s all relative

A philosopher says to a linguist...

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Two guys walk into a bar

A philosopher and a physician walk into a fabulous tiki beach bar in Florida and both order drinks. After a while the philosopher addresses the physician, "Have you read Marx?" The physician replies, "Yes, I blame these wicker bar stools."

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

How do you get a philosopher off of your porch?

Pay for the pizza! (Hey Kendall!)

Did you hear about the philosopher who went to the strip club?

He was deep in THOT.

What did the uncertain, Amish philosopher say?

I think, therefore I am-ish...

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Philosophers only want one thing

And it’s fucking discussing.

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

What did one philosopher say to the other philosopher?

"Someone might make a joke about this moment."

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

How can you tell if someone is a philosopher?

It depends on what you mean by "philosopher".

What did the monk say to the philosopher supermodel?

"Begone thought."

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

A French philosopher and a horse walk into a bar...

The philosopher decides what he wants and walks up to the bar first. The bartender says "no no no", you never put Descartes before the horse.

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because t...

A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....

......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.

Why did the alchemist rob the hospital?

Cause Urology had acquired some Philosopher's Stones

What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?

A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.

My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher.

Such a deep sinker.

After a lecture, tall intimidating student approaches Philosopher Slavoj Zizeck and asks...

"Why do I find Lacan so hard to understand ? I read and I read but I just don't get it."

Zizeck looks the student up and down for a moment, and then answers

"It'sh becaushe you Ar shtupid."

The student considers this for a moment and replies " Are you just telling me what I ...

What's a philosopher's favorite sports attire?

soccer tees.

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A philosopher, an electrician and a redneck walk into a bar

And they started arguing what was the fastest thing ever:

- From my point of view - says the philosopher - it's the thought, it has gone through your mind before you even notice it!

- Well - Says the electrician - to me, it's electricity, the moment you turn the lights on, they're on! ...

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...

They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a backdoor somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.

Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goe...

A priest, a philosopher and a politician are playing golf. However, the holes are being blocked by a man seemingly doing silly moves with the club and failing to reach the holes.

The three men start complaining, but the field's manager tells them that the man is blind.

The priest says:

- I'm thankful to Lord that he has given me the sight to see people's failings and tell them the Gospel!

The philosopher says:

- When you think about it, the diffic...

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

~ Infinite Jest, by DFW

What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea?

Certain *tea*

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

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