UPJOKE
philosophyaristotleimmanuel kantscholarpythagorasnietzschenaturalistplatotheologyepictetusthinkertheoristmetaphysicslogicianbertrand russell

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

What's a Philosophers favourite sport?

Discuss

What did an Australian philosopher say to the German philosopher?

Oi Kant

Why did the ancient philosopher build 2 spots to park his boat?

We’ll never know, it’s a paradox.

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heave...

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,

but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

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A philosopher died and went to heaven...

...and God told him "Ask me any question in the world, and I will answer it. But only one, I'm a very busy God"
The man thought for a second and asked "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
God replied "How the fuck do you get an egg to come?"

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

How did the philosopher commit political suicide?

He jumped out of the Overton window.

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

How do philosophers make money?

The philoso-fees!

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

Two guys walk into a bar

A philosopher and a physician walk into a fabulous tiki beach bar in Florida and both order drinks. After a while the philosopher addresses the physician, "Have you read Marx?" The physician replies, "Yes, I blame these wicker bar stools."

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

What is the difference between a philosopher and a dentist?

A dentist helps you solve *molar* dilemmas

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

Who's a Weeb's favorite philosopher?

Sakura Tease

A philosopher saw a pimp having a sale on some of his hoes

The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

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What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

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Philosophical dialogue

Two philosophers were drinking at a strip club, having a conversation and one says: "I've always been fascinated by the three simpler questions about life and I didn't find the answer yet!"

"What questions?", says the other.

"You know, the fundamental ones: where do we come from, why ...

Two nudist philosophers are sitting by the pool and one says, "Have you read Marx?

The other replies, "Yes, I believe it's from the cane chairs."

Famous Philosophers

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

An engineer a Physicist and a Philosopher sit in a Taxi...

The engineer asks " how does it ride?"
The Physicist asks " why does it ride?"
And the philosopher asks "where do you want to ride?"

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

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A Philosopher once said...

Condoms are for fucking pussies.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Why don't cats study German philosophers?

They Kant read

Once again, I'm checking out this book "Greek Philosophers: From Aristotle to Zeno"

I've never finished it for some reason.

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...

Imagine studying all of your life to become a philosopher

When you can just look up the definition of a word

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

A priest, a philosopher, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar...

They sit down at a table and the priest says "God created all things!"

The philosopher says "But who created god?"

And the conspiracy theorist says "I think we're all just inside a computer and we're put into this exact situation by some weirdo as a sick joke!"

Why doesn’t the philosopher like to do archery?

Because he Kant hit the Marx.

What's the simplest way for a philosopher to shave?

Occam's razor

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”


The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

What do you call a fuzzy philosopher?

BEARistotle





I'm so sorry

If you assault a French philosopher while smoking THC wax, you’re...

Hitting da cart while hitting Descartes

Why did the philosopher cross the road?

It's a question I've often asked myself.

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Philosophers only want one thing

And it’s fucking discussing.

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

For the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" someone was the first person to say the glass is half full. While their name is forever lost, historians, theoligans and philosophers shall refer to them as...

Optimist Prime.

How do you get a philosopher off of your porch?

Pay for the pizza! (Hey Kendall!)

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

Edit:
completely possible my Dad heard it somewhere else, or perhaps it came to him originally like the many other examples posted. Gotta trust yo pops tho.

Did you hear about the philosopher who went to the strip club?

He was deep in THOT.

A philosopher says to a linguist...

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

What do you call a Greek philosopher who plays hard to get?

A socra-tease

Made this one up myself. I'll be here all week

What did the uncertain, Amish philosopher say?

I think, therefore I am-ish...

A French philosopher and a horse walk into a bar...

The philosopher decides what he wants and walks up to the bar first. The bartender says "no no no", you never put Descartes before the horse.

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

How many philosophers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They Kant

A Greek philosopher’s lecture on knowledge was really confusing and frustrating.

Episteme off.

What did the monk say to the philosopher supermodel?

"Begone thought."

How can you tell if someone is a philosopher?

It depends on what you mean by "philosopher".

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....

......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because t...

How did I become a philosopher?

Well, there's no short answer

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

What's the difference between a Philosopher and a Theologian?

A philosopher is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is like a person in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there and finds it.

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A philosopher, an electrician and a redneck walk into a bar

And they started arguing what was the fastest thing ever:

- From my point of view - says the philosopher - it's the thought, it has gone through your mind before you even notice it!

- Well - Says the electrician - to me, it's electricity, the moment you turn the lights on, they're on! ...

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...

They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a backdoor somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.

Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goe...

A priest, a philosopher and a politician are playing golf. However, the holes are being blocked by a man seemingly doing silly moves with the club and failing to reach the holes.

The three men start complaining, but the field's manager tells them that the man is blind.

The priest says:

- I'm thankful to Lord that he has given me the sight to see people's failings and tell them the Gospel!

The philosopher says:

- When you think about it, the diffic...

My father was a U-boat captain and amateur philosopher.

Such a deep sinker.

What do you get when you cross a philosopher, an insomniac and a dyslexic?

A guy who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

~ Infinite Jest, by DFW

I know a Spanish philosopher and he lives in my kitchen...

His name is Plato.

Have you seen the entitled philosopher preaching outside the women’s dorm today?

What a Kant.

PR manager, philosopher, translator and a journalist walk into a bar

The Bartender says: "Hey Tony! Four bachelor's degrees, but still no luck finding a job?"

What's a philosopher's favourite type of tea?

Certain *tea*

After a lecture, tall intimidating student approaches Philosopher Slavoj Zizeck and asks...

"Why do I find Lacan so hard to understand ? I read and I read but I just don't get it."

Zizeck looks the student up and down for a moment, and then answers

"It'sh becaushe you Ar shtupid."

The student considers this for a moment and replies " Are you just telling me what I ...

I was trying to think of a good philosopher pun

...but I Kant

Why do philosophers have long beards?

Because they use Occam's razor.

Hear about the famous Philosopher Karl?

He died Jung

My children made me a philosopher

I'm always stopping and asking myself why

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Have you heard of the, great, ancient Greek philosopher Mediocrates?

His primary philosophical viewpoint is "eeeeehhh"

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

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