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Science Jokes

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

What do you call a vampire with a bachelors in Computer Science

cout << "Dracula";

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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We donated my fathers body to science today…

and boy was he pissed.

Science joke

What is a magnetic scientist’s favorite animal?

A polar bear.

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

I’m going to name my son ‘science’

So that he can win every argument with: “well, science says that…”

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. “You can’t see that, it’s private!”
The second student protested, “But we’re in the same class”

I'm throwing a party for a bunch of science geeks tomorrow night

First person who falls asleep gets "The Earth Is Flat" in sharpie on their forehead.

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

I'm not good with science jokes

I would make a science joke but.. Ion know..

I could try physics, but I don't wanna force it

Maybe chemistry? ...Na

Or biology, but those jokes don't cell well, and I don't like denature

I'd ask my teacher for help with jokes but he's not a very fungi

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Best Computer Science Joke!

A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts.
"Hey!" she says. "Those are private!"
The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

Miracle of Science

I'm balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...

I take antidepressants and now I'm never sad.

My science teacher caught me drinking alcohol

well it is a solution

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

They say science and religion do not go together.

But if it wasn't for DNA evidence, the priest wouldn't be arrested.

The Earth people in the background of a science fiction movie

are Terrestrial Extras

Why isn't there any beautiful girl in computer science?

Because they're all 0's and 1's

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors

Accordion to science,

You can switch out words for musical instruments, and most people won't notice.

A science joke

What did the hydrogen atom say to the helium atom:

release my family

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a sociology degree asks,
"Do you want fries with tha...

I was teaching my science class about Pavlov.

The students were laughing at the stupidity of the dogs.

Then the bell rang and they all got up and rushed to the canteen for lunch.

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

What’s the difference between science and religion? Science flies you to the moon

While Religion Flies You Into Buildings.

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Two women are partners at a science laboratory

They both work together and create a breakthrough in modern science.
Their boyfriends receive this news while they are both at the bar together.
One boyfriend turns to the other and says,
"Dude, we're fuckin' geniuses."

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

There was a rowdy guest at the local science convention last week.

The chair of the convention decided to throw them out, saying: "You sir are contributing excessively to the entropy of this convention!"

Did you hear about the March for Science?

It was held in April. Typical scientists.

English is the lingua franca of the internet, science, aeronautics,

and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean "universally spoken".

I’m fine with substitute teaching math, science.. even music.

But art class is where I draw the line.

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

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What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?

Asstronomy

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

science explained

This is a joke translated from german
Original is from Vince Ebert, a german comedian

What is Science? Simple said Science is about making a prediction and then try to proof it,
Example:
If i theorise "There is Beer in the fridge!" and then proceed and go looking into the fridge fo...

I tried to donate my brain to science

They didn't want it

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My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor.

Imagine my surprise when a woman with a penis showed up.

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“Oh science, Oh science, Oh science!!”

~ an atheist having sex

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Elon Musk wants to start a university called the ‘Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science

To be known as TITS and ASS

My wife just told me she didn't understand the science behind cloning.

I replied, "that makes two of us"

Science Jokes

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."


An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "wel...

A political science joke

I got quasi-federal with your mom last night.





It was both a coming together and holding each other federation.

One of my happiest memory is when I won the science fair in highschool.

I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition

How do women defy science?

The heavier they get, the easier to pick up!

My son and I did a science experiment for the end of the school year. We attempted to weigh a rainbow.

It turns out, it was pretty light.

What is the difference between science, philosophy and religion?

Science is when you search for a black cat in a dark room.



Philosophy is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat.



Religion is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat – and then you ...

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

Science is truth

A scientist wants to do an experiment to see how far frogs can jump. So he gets a frog, sets it down and tells it to jump. He measures the distance and writes down, frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet.

He cuts a leg off the frog and tells it to jump. He measures and writes, frog with 3 legs jump...

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

Monday Science

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

Mike Pence doesn't believe in science

But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.

Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's greatest Science Fiction novel?

Dianetics !

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A woman is in a restaurant... (Science humorish)

She asks the female waiter,
"Is that condiment on the table the process in which a sex cell creates
haploids for sexual reproduction?"

The waiter replies,
"No, thats mayo, sis"

A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.

It was a blast to the past

It's obvious people offering UFO conspiracy theories don't understand basic science.

If they did, they'd be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.

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I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

What's the difference between learning vowels and learning computer science?

When learning vowels, it's only sometimes "why?"

In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol ---dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.<...

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

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Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

Science joke

I would tell you a joke about helium, but I don’t feel qualified to talk about..
He he he

I'd tell you a science joke...

But I know it wouldn't get a reaction. It doesn't really matter, all the good science jokes argon.

I came up with a science joke...

Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math

But science and math pushed back

I went to a science seminar and they announced they'd developed an acid that ate through everything.

I asked them what they kept it in.

"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...

...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.

I keep trying to follow the science but I think I'm doing it wrong

as it keeps leading me back to the money...

What's the science of classifying living things?

Racism.

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A science teacher tells his class...

"Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it."

I don't get why people get bachelor of science degrees

I mean aren't all degrees BS?

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I hate bullshit science

It only focuses on the mushrooms

Best science jokes

I need a great list of the dorkiest geekiest nerdiest science jokes ever. Here's one to start you off:

Why was Heisenberg a terrible lover? Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy. And when he had the energy he didn't have the time

Science/Engineering joke from my lab today

So today I was in fluids lab and our lab was about surface tension. As part of that, we were supposed to estimate the angle of a meniscus of water in a tube, so one guy was doing the angle estimation, I was measuring something else and the other guy was recording data. Anyway, I asked the guy who wa...

So I have a thing for science jokes and there's this one joke about Sodium that I really love.

But then I was like Na, reddit probably won't get it

Science jokes

Man: Help!

Officer: What is the problem?

Man: He's throwing sodium chloride at me!

Officer: Why does that provoke a shout for help?

Man: Because it's a salt!!!!

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

There are three kittens on a roof (science/nerd joke)

There are three kittens on a roof in a rain storm. Which is the last to slide off?

The one with the highest mu.

............................................................


(mu (can't create the symbol) is the coefficient of friction. But I bet you knew that already)

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?

Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

Two science teachers from my school just got married...

I guess they had a lot of chemistry

I'm a man of science!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

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The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

Science tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor...

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

Math is the language of science.

f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*

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