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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?

Because it’s always pushing electrons around

How is a kid failing science and an antivax parent related?

One is just the evolution of the other.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in high school, I was really bad in science. (OC)

I even failed sexual chemistry.

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

When I was a child I asked my dad for help with my science homework. I asked "dad, how do you make a hormone?" And he said...

"Don't pay her."

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The 6th grade science teacher asks her class a question.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will g...

The first day of school, I signed up for Math, English, Science and Geography..

The rest, as they say, is History

I went to the science lab with some promiscuous college girls

It was a thot experiment.

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

How do Science Nerds flirt?

I'd Like to be a DNA helicase so I can unzip those genes!

Science tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

My dog ate my computer science project

"your dog ate your coding assignment?"


It took him a couple bytes

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One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

I came here to do two things: argue about science, and make sure my children don't get vaccinated.

And I'm all out of children...

What do you call the science of classifying living things?

Racism

I was planning to donate my body to science,

but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.

So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

Did you know that there's a breed of dog who loves science?

You can tell which one it is because they're always wearing a lab coat.

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Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."

"This is one hole, my nose ...

If you want to be a computer science major, all you have do is get sick.

Before long you’ll be coughing and hacking.

In my Science class we were talking about Kinetic and Potential energy. I said outloud "No wonder my mom calls me Kinetic"

"Because I have no Potential"

The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

Teachers can be funny sometimes, even science teachers.

Periodically, that is.

One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

Science: cowfarts cause climate change. Vegetarians: I'll have what the cows are eating.

Science: cowfarts cause climate change.

Vegetarians: I'll have what the cows are eating.

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

When I got my science degree I got a puppy

because every scientist needs a lab.

(Science joke) Whats the difference between boys and girls?

I don't know all the specifics, but there's a vas deferens.

A grad student is working with his lab partner on a science project for his robot acoustics research

When the student says to his lab partner, “There seems to be something missing from our robot that is keeping the voice audio from converting into an electrical signal”.

The lab partner, in an effort to help his friend, heads down the street to the computer shop to see if he can figure out w...

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Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

Why do Christians hate science?

They always think of it as two Adams bonding.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was comparing the kids in his science class to the subatomic particles of an atom...

Little Johnny thought Maria was like a proton because she is always positive and happy.

Little Johnny thought David was like an electron because he is always negative and pessimistic.

Little Johnny saw George as a neutron because George doesn’t really care about anything.

And ...

When I die, I want to leave my body to science

More specifically, a scientist who's working on bringing dead guys back to life

According to Science

Alcohol is a solution.

A student asks CS professor: did your years of studying computer science ever helped you in your life?

Professor replies: oh yes, for sure, computer science did help me in my life. One day I'd get my socks from the laundry and they were all mixed up in a big pile of socks. But then I remembered that I knew QuickSort and sorted them in O(n log n) time.

Science joke

What is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

You wanna hear a super cool science joke?

0K

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

Top 10 most important sciences

10. It is

9. impossible

8. to rank

7. the importance

6. of science

5. because

4. all of them

3. are equally

2. important.

1. Physics

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

I Really Don't Like Atomic Science

Honestly, It's Such A Bohr.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Oh science, Oh science, Oh science!!”

~ an atheist having sex

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Faith vs Science

I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

What did the Arts student say to the Science student

Why did I waste 3 years of my life?

The Teacher tells her class: “Your science test was terrible. 32% of you got an F.”

A blonde student shouts in anger: “That can’t be right, there’s not even 20 of us in the class!"

This is a little science joke my friend told me.

A 99kg man asks his friend “if I eat 1kg of nachos, does that make me 1%nacho.?” The friend replied to that
“Well the human body is made up of sodium, oxygen, carbon and hydrogen. So that practically makes us 100% NaCHO”

I tried to think of a good science joke

But all the good ones Argon

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm get pulled over while driving together to a science convention.

The cop asks Heisenberg “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “no, but I know exactly where I am.” The cop says “you were doing 55 in a 40.” Heisenberg is irritated and exclaims “Great now I’m lost!”

The cop is suspicious and searches the car, when he pops the trunk he a...

I just found out about this underground science ring

It's called the Large Hadron Collider

Science is progressing in leaps and bounds. In 20 years...

...we'll definitely have better smartphones.

What do you call it when computer science majors make fun of each other?

Cyber boolean

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Medical science still does not have a cure for premature ejaculation.

But researchers say it's coming quickly.

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

My computer science professor was fired for giving a lecture in Octal

My school has very strict policies regarding eight-speech.

A person with a science degree asks "why does it work?" A person with an engineering degree asks: "how does it work?" A person with an accounting degree asks: "how much does it cost?" A person with an art degree asks:

"do you want fries with that?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class:

"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary st...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

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What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

I don't like computer science jokes..

Not one bit