One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

My friend doesn't believe anything the Science Guy says...

I guess he de-Nyes everything.

A group of dogs is called a pack. But What is a group of science dogs called?

A hypawthesis.

Why are people who use the metric system so good at computer science?

Because they are pro-grammers.

I want to share a science joke on here...

But, now i realise all the good jokes
Argon.

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

Our Earth Science Class took a fieldtrip to a place where scientists drill through sedimentary rocks for specimens of local strata, but I didn't really enjoy the trip.

It was just boring.

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Our teacher had us bring cow manure for science.

Was the first time I gave a shit about assignments.

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

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A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"

"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and make a lot of money."

"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and make even more money than Harold."

"I would ...

I'm a man of science!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

I thought I'd make a science joke at the physicist's funeral.

But I came in with the wrong energy.

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

Finally, i before e except after c has been disproven

by science

I think my computer science teacher should self-isolate.

He had a hacking cough today.

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One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

What's the difference between a computer science student and a brick?

The brick gets laid

A teenager fails his math test

As a father was passing by his son's bedroom, he was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed, ‘Dad.’

With trembling hands he opened the envelope and read the letter.

“D...

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

I'm throwing a party for a bunch of science geeks tomorrow night

First person who falls asleep gets "The Earth Is Flat" in sharpie on their forehead.

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

Here’s a science joke

Two atoms are running around the city. Suddenly the first atom crashes into the second one while running to get the train. “Sorry” the first atom said as he help pick up the second atoms things. “Are you ok?” Said the first atom. “Yea, but I think I’ve lost an electron” replied the second atom “are ...

Young man fresh out of college gets a job at a factory

When he arrives he surprised that he is assigned as junior janitor. Shocked he asks for the manager who hired him. “Didn’t you read I have a double major in Social Science and Anthropology”

“Oh” says the man, “ I must have missed that. OK let me explain. Lift the mop up and put in the bucket,...

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

2 scientists were at a science sale

The first one was selling protons and electrons for .10 cents each. The second one was just handing out neutrons to anyone. When I asked the second one why he wouldn't accept any money for the neutrons he repllied: *they're free of charge*.

If science were easy...

They would call it your mom.

My wife just said, “I just don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”

I said, “That makes two of us.”

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

I'm going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy...

he always wanted me to go to medical school.

Why will space be a popular tourist spot?

The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless

Only science geeks will understand

According to Science,

Alcohol is a solution

I took my environmental science exam the other day and it went perfect; I proved myself to be an examplary student.

I put my exam paper in the recycling bin.

I asked my science teacher if she has a favorite element

She said No

Why is a science party the best party?

A lot of great chemistry.

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

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The sex robot I entered into the school science fair came last.

It did not go down well.

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

A science joke

A policeman catches an an electron for speeding.
Police: Do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: Yes, but now I don't know where I am.

Studying science makes me numb...

Studying math makes me number!

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(NSFW) Kevin had a 16 inch Dick.

Is dick was so big, he couldn't get any gals.

He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.

Doctor: "I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and he'l...

Heard this one from a political science professor

A man just arrived in New York City. In the taxi heading to his destination, the taxi passed by the United Nations building. The man said to the driver “Wow, that’s the United Nations building.” The driver responded “Yes it is.” The man then asks, “How many people do you suppose work in there?” Afte...

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Having too much sex causes memory loss

Or at least that what page 17 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.

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Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

Schrodinger's Virus

We all have Schrodinger's Virus now.

Because we can't get tested, we can't know whether we have the virus or not.

We have to act as if we have the virus so that we don't spread it to others.

We have to act as if we've never had it cause if we didn't have it we are not immune....

I don't like computer science jokes...

Not one bit.

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

Albert Einstein was so smart that he created his brother with science. He named him Frank

Frank Einstein

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A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

Science jokes

Man: Help!

Officer: What is the problem?

Man: He's throwing sodium chloride at me!

Officer: Why does that provoke a shout for help?

Man: Because it's a salt!!!!

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

Science Humor

Physicist: "There's a hotel in Germany with a plaque stating that Heisenberg may have slept here."
Me: "Really?"
Physicist: "Well, I'm not sure..."


(as heard in an 'Inspector Lewis' episode)

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.


One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing litt...

Life is so simple unless you work for NASA or SpaceX

Everything else is not rocket science.

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School

The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain ...

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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

I came here to do two things: argue about science, and make sure my children don't get vaccinated.

And I'm all out of children...

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?'

She thought for a time and then asked 'Is it on or
off?'

Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?

Because it’s always pushing electrons around

I was planning to donate my body to science,

but then I realised science has plenty of bodies already.

So now I’m donating my brain to religion instead.

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

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The 6th grade science teacher asks her class a question.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will g...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

Dad joke + science joke

Did you know that protons have mass ?

Lol i didn't even knew they were catholic

How is a kid failing science and an antivax parent related?

One is just the evolution of the other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

When I was a child I asked my dad for help with my science homework. I asked "dad, how do you make a hormone?" And he said...

"Don't pay her."

Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into buildings.

One thing I know is that a computer science major didn't name the original pokemon.

Otherwise, charmander would evolve into stringmander.

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I used to think Science and Religion didn't mix, but my Astronomy professor is always talking about how sexy angels are

We even had an entire chapter devoted to Celestial Bodies, and let me tell you, some of them are incredibly hot.

Science joke

What is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

Binary 1100101

The 1-01-11 's of computer science

I am not smart enough to understand everything proven by science

Most of it I just take on faith

In my Science class we were talking about Kinetic and Potential energy. I said outloud "No wonder my mom calls me Kinetic"

"Because I have no Potential"

The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down.

"Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.

Mary has a Master's degree in physical science. Each day, she asks, "Why does this work?"

Kevin has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering. Each day, he asks, "How does this work?"

Jack has a Master's degree in economics. Each day, he asks, "How much does this cost to manufacture?"

Joe has a Master's degree in chemistry. Each day, he asks, "Could this be hazardous to t...

Science tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

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