UPJOKE
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A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says "through the miracles of science, we've invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?"

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it's only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says "ok listen I know this is going to be super painful so let's start it at about 3."...

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

One of my happiest memory is when I won the science fair in highschool.

I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition

So I read an article today that blew my mind from a math nerd/science person perspective.

Apparently factories are not making the 12 inch ruler any longer.

Miracle of Science

I'm balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...

I take antidepressants and now I'm never sad.

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

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What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?

Asstronomy

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We donated my fathers body to science today…

and boy was he pissed.

I was teaching my science class about Pavlov.

The students were laughing at the stupidity of the dogs.

Then the bell rang and they all got up and rushed to the canteen for lunch.

A kid in my school did a project on the history of rocket science.

It was a blast to the past

I went to a science seminar and they announced they'd developed an acid that ate through everything.

I asked them what they kept it in.

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

Why did egyptians never believe in science

Because they were in da Nile

How do women defy science?

The heavier they get, the easier to pick up!

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

It's obvious people offering UFO conspiracy theories don't understand basic science.

If they did, they'd be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.

Accordion to science,

You can switch out words for musical instruments, and most people won't notice.

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a sociology degree asks,
"Do you want fries with tha...

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

A science joke

What did the hydrogen atom say to the helium atom:

release my family

What's the difference between learning vowels and learning computer science?

When learning vowels, it's only sometimes "why?"

I keep trying to follow the science but I think I'm doing it wrong

as it keeps leading me back to the money...

What is the difference between science, philosophy and religion?

Science is when you search for a black cat in a dark room.



Philosophy is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat.



Religion is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat – and then you ...

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I've just read a science article that claims semen can actually reduce wrinkles, but I'm calling bullshit on that one.

If it was true, my bed would probably make itself.

(thought of this during science class) A DJ conducts a science experiment with acids during his concert

Unfortunately, it all went wrong when he dropped the base

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

I decided to donate my body to science

For the time being, I'm following a routine to preserve it with ethanol until they need it.

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Elon Musk wants to start a university called the ‘Texas Institute of Technology & Science and an affiliate called Austin School of Science

To be known as TITS and ASS

science explained

This is a joke translated from german
Original is from Vince Ebert, a german comedian

What is Science? Simple said Science is about making a prediction and then try to proof it,
Example:
If i theorise "There is Beer in the fridge!" and then proceed and go looking into the fridge fo...

√2, π, and -1 were having a discussion about vaccine science

It escalated into an argument and -1 was getting frustrated that his explanations were just being ignored by the others.

"This is impossible. Neither of you are listening to me." he said.

Then π asked him, "Why do you have to be *negative* all the time?"

"Forget it," said -1 as ...

Science is truth

A scientist wants to do an experiment to see how far frogs can jump. So he gets a frog, sets it down and tells it to jump. He measures the distance and writes down, frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet.

He cuts a leg off the frog and tells it to jump. He measures and writes, frog with 3 legs jump...

So I have a thing for science jokes and there's this one joke about Sodium that I really love.

But then I was like Na, reddit probably won't get it

Scientists have demonstrated that nerves spread throughout the body are related to human personality.

For example, if a subjects arms are removed, that subject becomes much less likely to volunteer for science tests.

What’s the difference between science and religion? Science flies you to the moon

While Religion Flies You Into Buildings.

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

My wife just told me she didn't understand the science behind cloning.

I replied, "that makes two of us"

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...

...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

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A science teacher asks her class of sixth graders, “students, what is a part of the body that when stimulated can grow ten times its size?”

Tattletale Susan gets angry in the back and yells, “teacher, that’s a dirty question! You can’t be asking questions like that! I’m gonna have my parents tell the principal and we’re gonna get you fired!”

The teacher ignores her and repeats the question, “alright class, what is a part of the b...

What goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?

So this Indian guy is sitting next to Einstein and Einstein says you know its a long flight why don’t we have a competition? I will ask you a question and if you cant answer it you will give me $5 and than you can ask me a question and if I cant answer your question I will give you $500. The Indian ...

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Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

A political science joke

I got quasi-federal with your mom last night.





It was both a coming together and holding each other federation.

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

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I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My science teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

What should you do when nobody laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

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I can’t say whether or not science can create an aphrodisiac from fermented soybeans, but...

...I can say that it needs to be called Miso Horny.

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

I came up with a great science joke, but the scientists didn't take it seriously enough to laugh at.

They told me it hadn't been peer reviewed.

Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math

But science and math pushed back

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

The world funniest joke according to science

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

What do science and deep fried food at the Texas State Fair have in common?

At their core, both concepts ask if you could but not if you should

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Professor of Logic: Norm Macdonald

Just the other week I had someone move next to me. Original neighbor died of cancer about a three month ago. So as the great neighbor I am I go to greet my new neighbor I say “Hey there uhh neighbor just dropping by to say hello, say what do you do for a living?”

He says “Nice to meet you. Im...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

There are three kittens on a roof (science/nerd joke)

There are three kittens on a roof in a rain storm. Which is the last to slide off?

The one with the highest mu.

............................................................


(mu (can't create the symbol) is the coefficient of friction. But I bet you knew that already)

I could tell you a really good science joke

But all of them argon

Which politician is the biggest supporter of statistical sciences?

Putin. He really loves the Poisson distribution.

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

I just bought a book titled "What They Don't Teach You About Computer Science"

Its literally just about anger management

Me : what do you study? She : I'm science Student. Me : Can i ask a question? She : ask. Me : what is Newton's 3rd law?

She : Listen, im a science student not a law student.

Monday Science

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

What's the science of classifying living things?

Racism.

Two science teachers from my school just got married...

I guess they had a lot of chemistry

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there?

A pigment of your imagination

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.

I get to the end and I think, 'Well, *that's* not going to happen.'

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book.

Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.

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