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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

What’s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

My science teacher use to always tell me...

You matter.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book.

Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.

They say science and religion don't mix

but without DNA we never would've caught these priests

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

I could tell you a really good science joke

But all of them argon

In college, I plan to study Food Science, specializing in carbonated beverages.

My dad always wanted me to become a fizzicist.

Two science teachers from my school just got married...

I guess they had a lot of chemistry

Do you want to know what I realized about Quiet Kids that are also Science Nerds?

They only speak periodically.

Science is hard. If it were easy, it wouldn't have been called science, it would have been called

Your Mom.

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

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After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. Th...

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

My friend Jon says that his science is hard.

I know, he is pretty attractive.

I think geology is the most important field in science.

Sure, it has its faults, but on the hole, it's ground-breaking.

“I before E except after C? That’s weird science.”

-Albert Einstein

Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there?

A pigment of your imagination

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

I donated my body to science the other day

bast*rds sent it back and demanded a refund

The science teacher is in trouble for slapping his student

The parents phones says "I'm sending two coppers right now to charge you with battery."

He says "You can't charge a battery with two coppers. You need a copper and a zinc."

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Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

If you have semi good knowledge of science this might be funny to you.

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek. Albert was seeking, Newton and Pascal were hiding. When Albert goes out to seek he finds Isaac outside where he has drawn a square around himself. Albert asks Newton "What kind of hiding place is that Newton?" and Newton rep...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Science joke

What song does a gas molecule sing when it is attracted to another gas molecule?


"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my Van Der Waal"

After taking a degree in environmental sciences, my father said I now should get my feet wet doing a real project.

So he bought me a flight ticket to Indonesia.

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

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The science teacher asked Johnny, "What is your favorite planet, Johnny?"

"Hmm..." Johnny thought, as the classmates started to laugh.

"Please don't say it," the teacher sighed.

"I was gonna say Mars," said Johnny "but Uranus looks good too!"

my favorite kind of science ficition is

romance movies

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Heard this one during a real science lecture two years ago.

"In the event of a tornado, you will want to hide in a safe spot." said the teacher. "A good place to hide would be one with the least number of windows. So where should you hide?"

One of the intellectuals thinks for a moment and then raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.

"You ...

My friend doesn't believe anything the Science Guy says...

I guess he de-Nyes everything.

Why are people who use the metric system so good at computer science?

Because they are pro-grammers.

Math is the language of science.

f(u)√C + k / y(ø)*^(u)*

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Credit to my 6th grade science teacher

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A man goes to college, and upon arrival, finds that he needs to take an extra science class for his major.

He asks his friend which science class is easiest, and his friend responds “Ornithology 101. I never even had to show up.”
So the man registers for Ornithology, and never actually goes to the class. However, a few weeks before the final, he realizes he need to do very well on the final to pas...

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I hate bullshit science

It only focuses on the mushrooms

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

Ever heard about the guy who died during science?

Flourine

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

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A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"

"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and make a lot of money."

"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and make even more money than Harold."

"I would ...

When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Thanks to the advance of science, a 75 years old lady got pregnant and had a baby.
When she returned home with the baby from the Maternity Ward, her friends went to visit her.
“Where is the baby? Let’s see him!” Said her friends.
-“Wait for a while””. I’ll show him to you later”.
Half ...

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson

The teacher asks the class, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”

Little Mary says, “The science teacher is very intelligent.”

The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?”

Little Suzie says, “The ladies are very fashionable.”

Th...

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You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

How can you prove that 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' rule doesn't apply ?

Through Science.

Homework

Teacher where's your homework?
Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

A group of dogs is called a pack. But What is a group of science dogs called?

A hypawthesis.

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

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Our teacher had us bring cow manure for science.

Was the first time I gave a shit about assignments.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

Our Earth Science Class took a fieldtrip to a place where scientists drill through sedimentary rocks for specimens of local strata, but I didn't really enjoy the trip.

It was just boring.

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I did an experiment with frogs in high school science class.

I set the frog down in front of me and told it to jump. The frog jumped beautifully up into the air.

So, I cut off one of its front legs. Then I said: "frog, jump!"
And the frog jumped. It was at a slight angle, but it wasn't too bad.

Then I cut off its second front leg and told it ...

I thought I'd make a science joke at the physicist's funeral.

But I came in with the wrong energy.

I'm a man of science!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!

Science joke

I would tell you a joke about helium, but I don’t feel qualified to talk about..
He he he

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor....

Mitch McConnell goes to the doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checks his heart. Then he checks his breathing, his eyes and ears. He does the works. After finishing checking him up and just before sending him out the door McConnell asks.

McConnell: “Hey doc I’d like to donate my body to...

How is it possible for people to believe the moon landing never happened?

Come on! It's not rocket science!

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance

My country is a world leader in counter-intelligence.

Also in counter-science.

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

Took a chance and it almost worked

Our science teacher loves creating multiple choice tests and odds are pretty good with the "just answer C" method.

We were discussing that amongst my friends when the popular girls a table over asked if it was true. We confirmed and showed our last graded tests where we "guessed" a few answe...

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

My teaching career.

I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.

I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.

I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.

I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.

I was sent to Germany to ...

My wife just said, “I just don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”

I said, “That makes two of us.”

Here’s a science joke

Two atoms are running around the city. Suddenly the first atom crashes into the second one while running to get the train. “Sorry” the first atom said as he help pick up the second atoms things. “Are you ok?” Said the first atom. “Yea, but I think I’ve lost an electron” replied the second atom “are ...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

A father came to school

His son's teacher is reaing his grades: "English F, Math F, Science F..."

Father: "What? My son is gonna fail!"

Teacher: "Let's bet 100 bucks he won't"

2 scientists were at a science sale

The first one was selling protons and electrons for .10 cents each. The second one was just handing out neutrons to anyone. When I asked the second one why he wouldn't accept any money for the neutrons he repllied: *they're free of charge*.

What's the difference between a computer science student and a brick?

The brick gets laid

I'm throwing a party for a bunch of science geeks tomorrow night

First person who falls asleep gets "The Earth Is Flat" in sharpie on their forehead.

According to Science,

Alcohol is a solution

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So there are 2 farmers named Bob and Joe..

Bob never went to college, so one day he tells Joe he is going to enroll at the local university to get an education.

The next day Bob meets with the Dean of the university, and the Dean signs bob up for 4 classes.

Science, Math, Literature and Logic.

“Logic? What’s that?” Bob...

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

I took my environmental science exam the other day and it went perfect; I proved myself to be an examplary student.

I put my exam paper in the recycling bin.

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

I asked my science teacher if she has a favorite element

She said No

"Quark!"

- said the science duck.

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

Why are there Religious holidays but no Scientific holiday?

Because Science always works.

A science joke

A policeman catches an an electron for speeding.
Police: Do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: Yes, but now I don't know where I am.

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

What does the moon do when it needs a haircut?

Eclipse it.




Sorry, my son was studying science and saw this joke. He wanted me to share it. Apparently upping his dad joke skills early.

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Fred and Charlie had been having a few beers at the bar together when suddenly they both had to take a piss.

Standing next to each other at the urinal, Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Charlie was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy,” remarked Fred.

"Wasn't always that way,” replied Charlie, “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these ...

Studying science makes me numb...

Studying math makes me number!

I don't like computer science jokes...

Not one bit.

I'm going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy...

he always wanted me to go to medical school.

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The sex robot I entered into the school science fair came last.

It did not go down well.

OC science joke

There was a young man who was fed up with all the bias in news networks everywhere and vowed to make his own set of news channels that would be void of any and all bias. As he was not a wealthy man he had to find ways cut costs in making his network. He managed to make an odd deal with all his suppl...

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