UPJOKE
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For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.

The confectioner says:

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.

The doctor says:

"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the...

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician yells “We got ’em!”

What do you call a biologist that likes to be shamed & humliated in the bedroom?

Biodegradable

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

How do you tell a biologist apart from someone into BDSM?

Ask them what the opposite of Dominant is.

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Why was the biologist watching porn?

He was studying different hormones.

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biologist are discussing the costs and benefits of having an affair.

The doctor says no one should ever have an affair. It creates too much anxiety and it's bad for your health.

The lawyer says it's OK to have an affair as long as you don't tell your wife. If you tell your wife, she might file for a divorce and it's bad for your pocketbook.

The biologis...

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A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

A Republican biologist is working with two ants.

One of them is much larger than the other.
His work is going well, but the big ant manages to escape, costing him lots of progress.
The owner of the laboratory asks “How much progress have you lost?”
The republican biologist says “So much, for the taller ant left!”

What do you call when Biologists go to church?

Biomass

A meteorologist, a biologist, and a mathematician are eating breakfast.

They are sitting on a hill overlooking an office building which has just opened for the day. As they eat, they see 100 business people enter and 101 exit.

The meteorologist says, "Well within my margin of error".

The biologist says, "I suppose one of them gave birth".

The mathem...

The biologist

A biologist races into a bar in a celebratory mood. "I've done it!" he shouts to the bartender. "I've engineered immortal frogs!" "How's that?" asks the bartender. "I removed their vocal chords. They can't croak!"

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust marine biologists

Something about them feels….. fishy

What's the difference between a platypus and a wildlife biologist?

Don't date the platypus; the males have spurs on their hind feet that are capable of injecting a venom that's extremely painful to humans.

A biologist, a chemist, and a mathematician are looking at a glass of water, half filled.

The biologist says the cell count is too low.

The chemist says this solution needs to be buffered.

The mathematician says the coffee is very weak.

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

How does a good marine biologist work?

With a-fish-in-sea

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

What's the favorite tool of a dad biologist?

A pun nett square

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To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

Toughest subject for a biologist

Hands down it is maths. When cells multiply, they get added up with additional cells; but to understand that, you need to know how cells divide.

A Marine Biologist walks into a lab,

She shouts, “I think we found a way for cephalopods to discover fire!”
The other scientist asks, “how.”
She responds with a CD,
“By making them listen to my mixtape!”

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From my 8 year old daughter. "What is a Marine Biologists favorite instrament?"

The "Tambomarine" Badapisssh...

A chemist, a biologist and a quantum physicist go surfing.

Having developed a paranoid sense for lab safety precautions, the chemist is worried about jumping into water with unknown impurities.

The biologist knows the local marine wildlife and assures him that the water is perfectly safe for living beings, with plenty of fishes and squids present. <...

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

What does a biologist wear on a first date?

Designer Genes

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

A biologist and a radio operator are stranded on an island

None of them had anything except the biologist's phone, and a radio.

The radio operator started to tune the radio to send morse code to send rescue.

The biologist simply made a phone call.

Within a few hours, the both of them were saved.

Amazed, the radio operator asked "...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician...

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all eating on the patio of a restaurant. Across the street, they see two people walk into a building, and a few moments later three people walk out.

The biologist says, "Oh, they must have reproduced."

The physicist remarks, "There m...

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. T...

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

Why did the molecular biologist call the FBI to incarcerate the political extremist?

Because he hated free radicals.

What kind of trauma does a biologist get?

Petrie-SD

Guys I’m so proud of this

A biologist, a sociologist, and a mathematician are all sitting at a bench on a college campus...

They watch as two people enter a building...and then three people leave.

"They're reproduced!" declares the biologist.

"They've accepted a third person into their social circle!" asserts the sociologist.

"If one more person goes into that building," muses the mathematician, "it'...

A chemist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, looking out of the window.

They all watch three people walk into a house across the road. After 20 minutes, only two people leave the same house.

The scientists are very confused about what has happened.

'The measurements varied, and therefore the measuring equipment was likely inaccurate,' declares the chemist,...

What do you call an evolutionary biologist that doesn’t like people?

An Antisocial Darwinist

An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician ...

... are told that 2 people walk into an empty house, and that later 3 people walk out.

The engineer says, "It's simple. There must have been an observational error, happens all the time."

The biologist says, "Ah, the two people must have been a couple and had a child."

The mathe...

Im a Marine Biologist

My Field of study is the naval infantry

Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that regularly meets and plays music together.

They call it an orca-stra.

Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

A mathematician, a biologist and a statistician sat at a bar

Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. 30 minutes later the man and the woman appears with a child.

The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.

Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a sim...

How does a biologist check for ghosts?

They run an antibody test

The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...

Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-po...

Two biologists have twins.

They named one Jessica, and named the other Control.

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician are sitting outside drinking coffee and people watching.

The notice two people walk into a building, and a few minutes later the same two people walk out accompanied by a third person.

"They've multiplied!" exclaims the biologist.

The engineer says, "nonsense, that doesn't happen that quickly, it must have been a rounding error"

The m...

A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are standing at a bus stop.

A bus stops and 5 people get in.
As the bus comes around the next time, 6 people get out.
The Physicist comments:
"That's a measuring error."
The biologist says:
"They reproduced on the way."
The mathematician says:
"If one more person gets in, the bus will be empty."

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. He never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. ...

Why did the physicist and the biologist break up?

There was just no chemistry

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

What's a biologist's favorite article of clothing?

Jeans!

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer had all been sentenced to death

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer had all been sentenced to death and were on death row waiting to go to the electric chair.
Finally, the day had arrived. The chemist was due to go first.

As he strapped him in, the executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to sa...

I once dated a biologist.

I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy.

Biologists [find a whale washed up on the shore]

Biologists [find a whale washed]: it’s a new species, what do we call it?................
Bunch o’ surfer dudes walking by: yo! Killer whale dude.....................
Biologists[looking at each other]:...

A biologist is sent to prison,

The first words he says to his cell mate, "I am the mitochondria."

A priest, a biologist, and a mathematician sit down in a cafe.

As they chat, they see two men go into the bathroom. After a few minutes the bathroom door opens and three men walk out.

The priest says excitedly: “I swear that bathroom was empty. We have just witnessed a miracle!”

The biologist answers: “There must be a natural explanation. They hav...

What did the Italian marine biologist say when asked to identify an eel?

That's a moray!



I'll see myself out...

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

What does a Native American Biologist live in?

ATP

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

Biologists say Beetles have 6 legs.

They forgot about Ringo.

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Why do biologists make good pornstars?

Because sex cells.

Say what you will about molecular biologists...

But they sure know how to appreciate the little things in life.

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist go to the beach...

The physicist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the fluid dynamics." The physicist then walks into the ocean and drowns. Then the biologist looks out over the ocean and says "I want to go into the water and study the local marine life." The biologist then walks...

A statistician, a mathematician, and a biologist are standing outside a house.

They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "...

What did the biologist say when his sister asked him what his favorite part of his foot was?

Mitosis

A Texas Biologist

A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

What did the molecular biologist say to their SO who also happened to be a molecular biologist?

You need to stop thinking about nuclei and start thinking about nucleus

(Original) A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.

A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.

First the professor sighs. The bartender asks him what's wrong. The professor says, "As you can see, I'm a professor of philosophy, and today I went in too deep. I was in a lecture and was explaining a particularly...

Weed dealer

So my weed dealer got in trouble with his boss. So he and his business partners were dragged to the woods to be executed. And when the cartel aimed their weapons, my dealer, a biologist, yelled "bear," in which he escaped when they turned to see the was no bear. His second partner was a physicist, a...

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

Did you hear about the exceptional gorilla biologist?

She was an ape lust student.

Why did the biologist lock himself in jail with an engineer, a physicist and a medical doctor?

Because he wanted to work with STEM Cells

I was thinking of dating this girl I met. She’s an marine biologist who works on a submarine.

But between you and me, I think she’s a little out of my league.

My biologist girlfriend was making competent cells at the lab today...

I asked if they were very sure of them cells.

Following US politics is like watching a mad biologist at work.

You can see an orange going bananas right before your eyes.

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A biologist specialized in bovine excrement found a specimen and exclaimed

"This is bullshit!"

Why did the Chemist and Physicist refuse to hang out with the Biologist?

Because he had terrible bi.o

3 scientists a boat driver and a crocodile are in a dingy

A material scientist, a biologist, a physicist, and a boat driver are in dingy in the middle of a river with a crocodile in a cage.

The boat driver is nervous and is worried the crocodile might brake out of the cage and eat them all.

The material scientist says he doesn’t need to worry...

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A marine biologist in Virginia fell afoul of the law over his dolphins.

It seems that all he was able to procure were female dolphins. Without males their interest in participating in the experiments waned. Desperate to satisfy his dolphins, he tried to see if any humans could satisfy their needs, but he was limited by morals clauses prohibiting what was in effect bes...

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

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Antman receives a call from a Marine Biologist at Seaworld...

A marine biologist working with Seaworld calls Antman to help him with one of his juvenile Orcas. He tells him that due to the orca's sexual maturity fast approaching, he needs to perform a vasectomy to prevent him from getting to aggressive with the females.

Antman agrees, shrinks down, and...

What did the skeptical marine biologist say before her first day of work?

I think I’m just gonna test the waters...

Why do cellular biologists always disagree with mathematicians?

Because to them dividing and multiplying are the same

Did you hear about the white biologist stealing a petri dish from his black colleague?

It was a case of cultural appropriation.

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Did you know biologist James Watson was a foot fetishist?

His favorite sex act was double heel licks.

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That woul...

A chemist and a biologist walk into a bar...

The chemist calls over the bartender and says, "I'll have an H2O please." The bartender nods and looks at the biologist. "I'll have an H2O too."

The biologist died.

What did the biologist name his daughter?

Anne Atomy

Why are Biologists so obsessed with their own feet?

It's always Mitosis, Mitos-that

Biologists are otakus.

They keep watching Cells At Work.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^dididobetter

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were hanging out on the street (real tough mob)

when they saw two people get inside a house. After a while they saw three people come out of that same house. The biologist claimed "they have reproduced!", to what the physicist responded "no, I guess our initial measurement had an error, the two people we saw get inside were plus minus one". And t...

Cell biologists are classy as hell.

They are men of cultures.

So a Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena.

A Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena. The sit down in front of a door, they inspect the room on the other side and conclude that there is no exit other than the entrance. They then watch as one person enters the room, and then later, two persons exit.

The...

What did the Marine Biologist say when he saw two eels making love?

"It's a Moray."

Two biologists are discussing a new book on amphibians...

Biologist 1: What did you think of the chapter on frogs?

Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.

A physicist, a biologist, a mathematician, and a computer scientist are drinking coffee...

Over the course of the day they see two people enter a building across the street and three people exit. They all seem perplexed about this occurrence. The physicist says, "There must have been some error in our measurements!" The biologist replies, "The two must have reproduced!" The mathematician ...

A biologist, a physicist, and an engineer are on a plane that crashes...

...and luckily they are washed up on a deserted island, along with several crates of canned food. However, no can opener washes up with them, and there is nothing sharp on the island, so the three scientists must figure out how to open the cans.

The biologist sticks the can in the water, say...

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Why did the molecular biologist want to make a porno film of gametes?

Because sex cells.

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park eating lunch.

As they eat they see two people walk into a house.

After a while they see three people leave the house.

The physicist says "Simple, due to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, the universe has spontaneou...

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