UPJOKE
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Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?

Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

I will name my son Physics.

So that I will be called Father of Physics.

Physics Joke with a twist

Teacher: You have a lot of potential, you should use it

*I realize I am standing on top of a building*

Teacher: You can convert that potential into work

I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day



But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"



A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:



"In a foste...

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. No Time.”

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

Nerdy physics and psychology joke thought I'd share.

I heard that there is a new novel out about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog going on an adventure but I couldn't remember the name. Sounded good so I decided to go down to the library to see if they've got it. Looked around and couldn't see it so I asked the librarian if they have it in, she repl...

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

After learning physics I finally got it

You know how when things heat up, they expand?

That means I'm not fat, I'm hot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Why did the pirate fail his Physics class?

He constantly tried to walk the Planck.

A physics joke

How many general-relativity theocratists does it take to change a light bulb? - Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.

I finally found where the librarian is storing the books on theoretical physics

In the Non-Friction section

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that’s where students have the most potential.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

Physics joke

People always ask me why i like the last row in movie halls.


I just feel like they have alot more potential than the the first row.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say the Principle of Least Action is the most fundamental thing in physics.

But when I tried it, I flunked my physics class.

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Physics joke

A physicist and his son go to a petting zoo. They come up on this animal and of course the physicist asks his son what it is. The son says "Daddy thats a rooster!", the physicist shakes his head "Son, its a lambda".

Gravity is the most important topic of physics.

If you remove it, you only have gravy.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physic...

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

Laws of physics vs the law

Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the t...

What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class?

Sum bodies

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

What is the worst you can say when you are a physics teacher and see a student about to jump from a building?

"You have so much potential, use it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am trying to remember a very long joke my high school physics teacher told me.

First off I know there’s TOMT for things like this, however since this is a joke I figure it gets pretty hard to track these sorts of things down. I remember the jist and punchline of this joke, however I also remember it having a very long and intricate setup, so long I remember getting pretty bore...

There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows.

The Your Mom approach.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

I could explain to you quantum physics and you wouldn't understand a thing.

Not because it's hard but because I'm bad at explaining.

A physics professor retires and buys a lake house.

The first thing he does is build two long wooden platforms out over the lake. Every day he goes out with a bow and some arrows and stands on one of them while shooting arrows into the lake. One day a curious neighbor goes up to him and asks "what exactly are you doing?". The physicist replies "well ...

Physics Joke.

A bunch of neutrinos walk through a bar

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

What's the difference between Quantum Physics and Politics?

In politics, the results won't change no matter how you measure them.

A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar

While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted


" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "



Speaker dropped the mic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Physics Professor says "Explain the Uncertainty Principle."

The student stand up. He says:

There's four nuns and they want to know about a penis so they ask the vicar and he says "Okay each of you have a feal."

Afterwards the first nun says: The penis is soft like the flowers in a meadow.

The second nun says: You are wrong my sister, ...

The frequency of bad physics jokes in this sub...

It Hertz

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

Quantum Physics jokes

I don't always make jokes about Quantum Physics, but when I do, I don't

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

Graffiti on the wall of the physics department

Heisenberg might have been here

I heard someone say "Fcuk the speed limit" in Alabama

As a Physics student, I realized that speed is relative.

I keep asking my physics teacher

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"


But he just keeps responding with "yes."

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

Women defy the laws of physics...

They are easier to pick up the heavier they get...

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

I had a female Physics teacher in my school.

One day, a guy asked her, "What is the unit of power?"

"That's watt", she said.

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

Physics is oppressive

All it does is keep us down.

This kid in physics class was being mean to me

So I called him the derivative of acceleration.

My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy

Then i fell down the stairs and lost it all

Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?

Newton's first law

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