Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?

Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum physics the other day

But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?


A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foste...

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say the Principle of Least Action is the most fundamental thing in physics.

But when I tried it, I flunked my physics class.

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

After learning physics I finally got it

You know how when things heat up, they expand?

That means I'm not fat, I'm hot.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physic...

I finally found where the librarian is storing the books on theoretical physics

In the Non-Friction section

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I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

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I am trying to remember a very long joke my high school physics teacher told me.

First off I know there’s TOMT for things like this, however since this is a joke I figure it gets pretty hard to track these sorts of things down. I remember the jist and punchline of this joke, however I also remember it having a very long and intricate setup, so long I remember getting pretty bore...

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that’s where students have the most potential.

Laws of physics vs the law

Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the t...

Physics joke

A physicist and his son go to a petting zoo. They come up on this animal and of course the physicist asks his son what it is. The son says "Daddy thats a rooster!", the physicist shakes his head "Son, its a lambda".

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

I could explain to you quantum physics and you wouldn't understand a thing.

Not because it's hard but because I'm bad at explaining.

All the mathematical functions are having a party

The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.

so the inverse function asks what's wrong.

To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.

(courtesy ...

What is the worst you can say when you are a physics teacher and see a student about to jump from a building?

"You have so much potential, use it"

There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows.

The Your Mom approach.

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class?

Sum bodies

Gravity is the most important topic of physics.

If you remove it, you only have gravy.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

I will name my son Physics.

So that I will be called Father of Physics.

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A joke I thought of when doing physics homework

What happens when distance gets a boner? It get a direction. Sorry for the bad joke.

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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

A physics professor retires and buys a lake house.

The first thing he does is build two long wooden platforms out over the lake. Every day he goes out with a bow and some arrows and stands on one of them while shooting arrows into the lake. One day a curious neighbor goes up to him and asks "what exactly are you doing?". The physicist replies "well ...

Why does Pinocchio hate learning about physics?

It’s all about string theory nowadays

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

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The Physics Professor says "Explain the Uncertainty Principle."

The student stand up. He says:

There's four nuns and they want to know about a penis so they ask the vicar and he says "Okay each of you have a feal."

Afterwards the first nun says: The penis is soft like the flowers in a meadow.

The second nun says: You are wrong my sister, ...

Graffiti on the wall of the physics department

Heisenberg might have been here

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

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My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make ...

A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.

"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"

A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar

While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted

" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "

Speaker dropped the mic.


Theoretical Physicist: You have a great potential, why don't you use it?

Me standing on a rooftop: @@

At my physics exam today, I was asked who discovered the black hole.

Apparently, Ron Jeremy was not the right answer.

Quantum Physics jokes

I don't always make jokes about Quantum Physics, but when I do, I don't

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

Women defy the laws of physics...

They are easier to pick up the heavier they get...

Physics says "We can't touch anything"

So technically I'm not jacking off, Officer

At a frat party, a young man fell off the balcony and tragically passed away

His physics professor came to give a eulogy. He said “He was such a brilliant student. Right at the end of his life, he had so much potential.”

You enter the high school lab and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

**If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.**

**If it stinks, it’s chemistry.**

**If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.**

I had a female Physics teacher in my school.

One day, a guy asked her, "What is the unit of power?"

"That's watt", she said.

Physics is oppressive

All it does is keep us down.

The frequency of bad physics jokes in this sub...

It Hertz

I keep asking my physics teacher

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"

But he just keeps responding with "yes."

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

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My highschool physics teacher always used to say "Time will pass."

"Will you?"

My physics teacher asked what I think it’d be like to walk in a town at night only illuminated by candles

I said it would be pretty lit.

My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy

Then i fell down the stairs and lost it all

Did you hear about the physics student who committed suicide by jumping of a building?

A shame, really. He had so much potential.

Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?

Newton's first law

This kid in physics class was being mean to me

So I called him the derivative of acceleration.

I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest....

It’s so sad. He had so much potential

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

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