A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!

The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported int...

A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.

" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

Student - "yeah, right".

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but st...

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

##

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrop...

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."

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How does Professor X have sex?

He mindfucks people.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question on an exam.

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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Professor told dirty jokes in class

Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the protest.

In the next lecture,in th...

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn'...

Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that's not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

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Engineering Professors are sitting in Plan...

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”? ...

A college professor is giving his students a test

At the start of the exam, the Professor says, “You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed.”

Two hours later, the Professor calls out, “Time’s up, Ladies and Gentlemen.”

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the Professor has...

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

Why do math professors shout?

It makes them factorial.

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

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Professor: "You are failing your ethics class."

Me: *slides a $50 across the desk*
"How about now?"

An MIT linguistics professor

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In english" he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages such as Russian, a double negative remains negative. But there isnt a sigle language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

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A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

What did the Ethics Professor say to the Art Major?

You have to draw the line somewhere!

Three professors are on a hunting trip

After hours of trudging through the woods, they spot their first game of the day: a deer sleeping soundly in the middle of a clearing.

The first one, a physicist, takes out his notebook and uses the equations of motion to aim his rifle at the perfect angle. Bang! His bullet whizzes past the d...

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”

The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"

Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: I am really flexible.

*Professor X stares at watch*

Professor X: Looks like we have to reschedule.

Me: ok

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

A professor asks a math student, an engineering student and a medical student what 2+2=...

A professor asked a math student, an engineering student and a medical student, "What is two plus two?"

The math student excitedly states: "That is a solvable problem. The set of integers is a closed system under addition. Two is an integer, so the sum of 2 and 2 must also be an integer. Supp...

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

**me:** *[raising hand]* if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it?

**professor:** okay there is one stupid question.

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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minute...

A college professor is teaching a retirement class

He says “If you want to retire at 65, you are going to have to succeed early”
A Blonde woman stands up and says “Who’s Ceed”

What is a professor's favorite kind of nut?

M-acadamia nuts.

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.




The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

A group of engineering professors are all sitting on a plane waiting to take off...

The captain comes over the intercom and announces that as a surprise, the entire plane has been designed and built by their students.

Understandably, all the engineers immediately begin panicking, desperately scrambling to get off the plane, all except for one who is still calmly sitting in h...

A math professor walks into his classroom with a black eye

Student: what happened professor?

Prof: I got into a fight.

Student: with who?

Prof: Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2.

Class Clown: I guess the odds were against you.

A hunter and two mathematics professors go duck hunting.

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

A maths professor was struggling to teach his student the first 10 numbers of pi.

So he started singing a song which was meant to teach people about the numbers of pi. The students were intrigued by this mesmerizing little poem, and by the end they had learned the first 10 digits of pi.

Next, the teacher asked each one to write down the first 10 digits onto a sheet of pape...

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

What do you call a professor that eats his students?

Hannibal Lecturer

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

A professor is teaching and he observes all of his students madly writing down everything he says. Angry that no one is watching him and just taking notes, he says, "Stop writing! Don't write verbatim of what I say!" A student raises his hands and asks, "Sir? How do you spell verbatim?"

yeet

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A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"

About 20 students raise their hands.

The professor asks, "Has anyone ever...

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

An engineering professor is ranting to his class one day

He says "I hate when engineering students call themselves 'engineers', you don't hear medical students calling themselves 'doctors', or art students calling themselves 'unemployed'

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Professor X to JK Rowling:

Professor X: "What's your power?"

JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."

Gay Professor X: "Interesting."

My college professor makes extra money by forcing his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

Two professors of economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat.

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you ₹10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and finally eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. When he sees another dead rat on the road, he ...

What do you say to an old professor at the University of Oklahoma?

OK sooner.

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

From my precalc Prof: Why doesn't the precalc professor drink before class?

Because they never drink and derive!

Thanks Prof Kamin!

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

My physics professor told me I had potential

Then he pushed me off the roof.

What did the Mexican say to the professor when he told him to turn in his essay?

“I ain’t no snitch”

My wife, who is an economics professor told me she wants a divorce

I'm not surprised, over the years I've felt she lost *interest* on me.

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3 surgeons are in a bar...

They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I gave him a prosthetic leg, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with several brain disabilities and was mental...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

Student: "Hey professor, can I do anything to help my grade?"

Professor: "Um...it's May"

Student: "Sorry! *May* I do anything to help my grade?"

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

A joke my Math professor started the year with

Mathematician, Physicist and a Statistician are on a trip to Scotland, as they climb a mountain they spot a black sheep in the distance.

The Statistician say "You see? I told you there are black sheeps in scotland"

So the Physicist say "not exactly, that only proves that there is at le...

Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet

Narnia business

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

A math professor was flirting with his girlfriend

Girlfriend: "Oh your mean!"
Professor:" No, I'm the median"

Did you hear about the english professor that's been with all the women in the college?

Turns out he's a real cunning linguist.

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine. Professor X: That's a neat party trick and all but it surely can't be useful in batt-

Guards: *Fall down dead*.
Jesus: *blows on his index finger as if it were a gun barrel* People are made of 90% water

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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

A math professor is trapped on a deserted island with nothing but a pie

He decides to ration the pie so he can survive for a month, and hopefully someone will have come by then.

He dies a week later cause he ate all the pie in one day.

He should’ve listened to what he told his students

“Pi is irrational”

Five-six professor

Friend : Hey Tim , How are you? I haven't seen you
in years. How have you been ? What are
you doing?

Me : I am a Five-six professor at the University

Friend: The what professor?

Me : Five-six professor

Friend: I've never heard such a s...

My professor just told me that rereading other peoples material is the key to success

I guess thats why there are 17.1M people on /r/Jokes

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

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A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

Heard this one from a political science professor

A man just arrived in New York City. In the taxi heading to his destination, the taxi passed by the United Nations building. The man said to the driver “Wow, that’s the United Nations building.” The driver responded “Yes it is.” The man then asks, “How many people do you suppose work in there?” Afte...

An American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The 2 finalists for this prestigious annual poem contest was an American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The rules were simple, come up with an poem on the spot that ends in tim-buc-tu.

The professor turned in his first. It read:

As I walked across the burn...

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

My maths professor got fired last week...

he was caught deriving under the influence.

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

A Student asks a Professor...

Student: Professor, can I ask you something?

Professor: Sure.

Student: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Professor: I dont know

Student: Its simple, you open the fridge and put him in. I have another question.

Professor: Go ahead

Student: How do you ...

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Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

Professor X: And what exactly is your mutant power?

I whisper, *its not very good* in his left ear, but he hears it in his right ear.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

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Is this an acceptable excuse?

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
     1) A certifiable medical excuse.
     2) A death in the student's immediate family.


The...

A college professor was very worried about his recent study on earthquakes.

It turns out his findings were on shaky ground.

Your mother is like my professor’s thoughts on socio-economics.

Every worker gets a share.

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A professor is giving a talk about sex..

Addressing the crowd, he stands up.

"It gives me great pleasure..."

Then he sits down.

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

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Respect

So a son with an 90 year old dad needs to take an extended business trip. As his dad can no longer care for himself, he needs to find a spot in some assisted living place.

Unfortunately, all of the Jewish homes are full. Luckily the son finds a Christian organization that takes his dad.
...

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The Sex Professor

A professor gave a lecture to a room of university students, entitled "The Correlation Between Sex and Happiness".

He was determined to try out his theory with a simple test, and so asked any students who had sex once a week to stand up. Those who did laughed sheepishly or giggled, and the p...

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."...

Professor: What inspired you to write this essay?

Student: The due date.

A class of aerospace engineers and their professor were all given free tickets to Hawaii.

Once on the plane, the captain announced they were flying the aircraft the students had assembled. Everyone immediately rushed off, except for the teacher who relaxed in his seat. The flight asked "Wow, you have that much faith in your students?" The teacher replied, "I know exactly what my students...

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My Professor asked “what’s the advantage of sexual reproduction?”

“Fuck if I know”

What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

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College professor is experiencing a “slow-down” in his sex-life with his wife...

... so he is trying to figure out how to spice it up. He is hearing that there is a foreign student who has a lot of luck with girls on the campus so he decides to ask him for advice.

“Paolo, how are you doing it?”
“Well professor, right before I am about to do it with a girl, I whip my j...

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

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A new professor asked one of his former teachers how to avoid getting nervous when speaking in front of the class.

“I always just pictured my audience naked.” He replied.

“But Mr. Jameson...” said the professor, “You taught Kindergarten.”

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A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:

"If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?"

The professor agrees, so the student says:

"Describe a situation from your life when...

A group of blonde women decide once and for all, they were going to end the stereotype that blondes are dumb.

They hired a professor from Harvard to do a group test. 100 blonde women entered into a room and one of them was picked at random. The professor explained that he was going to ask a series of questions.

He asked the woman... “What is 5 + 10?”

”oh that’s easy” the Woman replied. “That’s...

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An engineering professor and his students are offered a free airplane ticket for an educational trip

Once they get on the plane the captain announces that the plane has in fact been built by the engineering students and that this is the first test ride.

Everyone rushes off the plane while the professor remains calm in his seat.

A flight attendant then approaches the professor and asks...

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A professor asks his students which organ is the most important. One student immediately shouts his answer. “The penis,” he says.

Professor: Please tell me how you arrived at your conclusion.

Student: Circular reasoning.

Professor: Logical phallusy.

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Pathology professor told this joke after class today. A little long but soooo worth it.

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

"All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And ...

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

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Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.

“Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.



“Sadness,” he replied.



“The opposite of depression?” he asked
another student.



“Elation,” he replied.



“The opposite of woe?” the prof as...

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

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My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

A Math Professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion

A math professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion. The prof arrives in a small yellow Volkswagen, the engineer arrives in a BMW and the butcher arrives in a Ferrari.

After a bit of small talk the prof and the engineer asks the butcher how he got to buy such a gr...

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

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A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and ...

What’s the difference between a teacher/professor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”

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Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar ?"

"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add stat...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

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