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Astronomer Jokes

How can you tell a developer from an astronomer?

You ask them what does JWT stands for

An astronomer is drinking Bud Light with another astronomer and asks “How many of these do you think it’ll take for me to get drunk?”

The other astronomer replies: “Approximately 6.5 light beers”

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What do astronomers and queer-friendly Hollywood studios have in common?

They like to star gays.

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Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room

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What does a proctologist and an astronomer have in common? .

When they look at Uranus, it is always on it's side.

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Hemorrhoids

Did you know that astronomers don’t get hemorrhoids?

They get ass-teroids.

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What’s a similarity between an Astronomer and a Prostitute?

Their action begins when it’s dark!

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What type of supplements do bodybuilding astronomers use?

Ass-steroids.

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

An astronomer walked into a bar.

He sat down and ordered a Guinness. The bartender got it for him and, hoping to get a better tip since the bar was slow, decided to make some small talk. Looking him over, the bartender noticed he was wearing a badge from a local observatory.

B: So, you work at the observatory, huh?

...

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

Why was the astronomer so good at finding new planets?

He was out standing in his field

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

An astronomers wife asks what she can do to make herself look younger

He tells her “the farther away you are the younger you look”

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.

They decided to call it a day.

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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”

The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard”...

How do astronomers organize a party?

They Planet!

TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

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Why did the astronomer get arrested?

He tried to look at Uranus with a telescope.

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Lock an astronomer in a basement...

and they'll go star craving mad.

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The Astronomer

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night.  He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination.  The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
     "I've got it!" sa...

Why was Sir Edmund Halley the funniest astronomer in history?

Because the joke is always in the comets

What is the difference between an astronomer and an astrologer?

About 50 IQ points.

What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist

Why did the astronomer use two hams to row his boat?

He liked meaty oars.

Pick up line for astronomers

Baby, the universe starts with "U" "N" "I"

What does an astronomer barber do?

Eclipse.

Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend?

He just needed some space.

What do you call a dyslexic astronomer?

A “moon starer”

Can you name a grateful astronomer?

How about Neil Degracias Tyson?

I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.

I’d just do a bunch of light reading all day.

Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution?

He was following the Tsar.

I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should’ve called them skyentists.

What do you call an astronomer who isn't good at pronunciation?

A "skyentist."

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, “All sheep in Scotland are black.”. The physicist says,”Some sheep in Scotland are black”. The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and ...

What's an astronomers favorite food?

Mercurry

Do you know why astronomers named the planet "Saturn?"

It just had a nice ring to it.

How many South American astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Brazilians and Brazilians.

What is a Mexican astronomer's favorite food?

A Quasar-dilla.

A team of astronomers have been preparing for a meteor shower for weeks.

When the day of the spectacle came, onlookers looked up to the sky, but saw nothing different. When reporters confronted the head astronomer about this blunder, embarrassed, he responded "No comet."

So 2 astronomers decided to throw a party

They sit down for lunch and one of them says: ok, let's planet

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?

for meatier showers.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

Cancer is nice

Said the degenerate astronomer

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

The one to your dumb friend...

A guy sees an ad on the window of a store with the words "Selling brains". Curious, he walks in and asks the shopkeeper what kind of brains he's selling.

Shopkeeper: "I've got Einstein's brain who won a Nobel Prize and discovered the Universe's secret equation. He was the world most brilhant ...

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