UPJOKE
astronomyherscheltelescopescientistphysicistastrophysiciststarobservatoryuniversehalleyuranologistastrophysicsplanetastronomicalcosmology

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Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room

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What does a proctologist and an astronomer have in common? .

When they look at Uranus, it is always on it's side.

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What type of supplements do bodybuilding astronomers use?

Ass-steroids.

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.

They decided to call it a day.

Why was the astronomer so good at finding new planets?

He was out standing in his field

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What’s a similarity between an Astronomer and a Prostitute?

Their action begins when it’s dark!

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

An astronomer walked into a bar.

He sat down and ordered a Guinness. The bartender got it for him and, hoping to get a better tip since the bar was slow, decided to make some small talk. Looking him over, the bartender noticed he was wearing a badge from a local observatory.

B: So, you work at the observatory, huh?

...

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

How do astronomers organize a party?

They Planet!

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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”

The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard”...

TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

What is the difference between an astronomer and an astrologer?

About 50 IQ points.

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Why did the astronomer get arrested?

He tried to look at Uranus with a telescope.

Why did the astronomer use two hams to row his boat?

He liked meaty oars.

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The Astronomer

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night.  He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination.  The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
     "I've got it!" sa...

An astronomers wife asks what she can do to make herself look younger

He tells her “the farther away you are the younger you look”

Why was Sir Edmund Halley the funniest astronomer in history?

Because the joke is always in the comets

What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist

Pick up line for astronomers

Baby, the universe starts with "U" "N" "I"

What does an astronomer barber do?

Eclipse.

I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.

I’d just do a bunch of light reading all day.

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Lock an astronomer in a basement...

and they'll go star craving mad.

What do you call a dyslexic astronomer?

A “moon starer”

Can you name a grateful astronomer?

How about Neil Degracias Tyson?

Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution?

He was following the Tsar.

What do you call an astronomer who isn't good at pronunciation?

A "skyentist."

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician in Scotland

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train headed for Scotland. As they cross the border, they see a black sheep. The astronomer cries out, “All sheep in Scotland are black.”. The physicist says,”Some sheep in Scotland are black”. The mathematician raises his eyes heavenward and ...

Why did the astronomer break up with his girlfriend?

He just needed some space.

I feel like the world really missed an opportunity by calling people that study the sky astronomers

They should’ve called them skyentists.

What's an astronomers favorite food?

Mercurry

Do you know why astronomers named the planet "Saturn?"

It just had a nice ring to it.

What is a Mexican astronomer's favorite food?

A Quasar-dilla.

A team of astronomers have been preparing for a meteor shower for weeks.

When the day of the spectacle came, onlookers looked up to the sky, but saw nothing different. When reporters confronted the head astronomer about this blunder, embarrassed, he responded "No comet."

So 2 astronomers decided to throw a party

They sit down for lunch and one of them says: ok, let's planet

Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?

for meatier showers.

What do you get when astronomers play tic-tac-toe?

Exoplanets

Thought that one up myself.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

Miracle cure

A plumber, a violinist, an astronomer and a redneck*, all suffering from various infirmities, were sitting in a convalescent home when suddenly an angel appeared. The angel spoke to them:

"I have come to give you the gift of health! Mr. Plumber, what is your ailment?"
The plumber answered...

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

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My dad's dad joke a few moments ago

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, ...

The one to your dumb friend...

A guy sees an ad on the window of a store with the words "Selling brains". Curious, he walks in and asks the shopkeeper what kind of brains he's selling.

Shopkeeper: "I've got Einstein's brain who won a Nobel Prize and discovered the Universe's secret equation. He was the world most brilhant ...

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