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Investigator Jokes

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

What is another name for a gynocoloist ?

A private investigator.

A world famous statistician was stopped by TSA at the airport

on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why wou...

I've got a friend who's a female private investigator.

Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Private Investigator

"Mr. Johnson, I've been doing some digging, and your wife has been having sex with another man for about two weeks."

"What?! My wife died three weeks ago."

"Yeah. I SAID I've been doing some digging."

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Credit to MrProsserDreamsOfWar

The investigator was awoken by the rookie opening his office door...

He shuffles in, manilla folder in hand.

*"Another murder case?"* he'd ask.

The rookie would nod, sliding the file over to the investigator.

Upon opening it, thousands of crows filled the room.

What do you call a private investigator at sea?

A p aye

My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator,

but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.

I walk up to my friend, the private investigator...

Me: Did you ever figure out that password you were trying to crack? I never get to hear about your job.

Him: It's case sensitive.

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"

The boss asked him:

So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

a local farmer had gone into investigations

\-what do you feed your chicken ?

\- soy beans, he answered

\-soy beans ?! are you aware that there's a global shortage in soy beans, we'll give you a $100k fine and prepare yourself for further investigations



few days later,...

I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering...

I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator.

The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. The investigator then follows the wife around. A few days later, the husband finds a note on his car's windshield. He opens it and it reads: *"Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follo...

My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

What did the investigator say to his colleague at the bomb site?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges

Turned out he was a privet investigator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently I hired an ex-military police private investigator to find out where my mom was going at night.

After several days without a reply from either of them, I went to my mother's to investigate.

I walked into the house to hear screaming and rushed into her room only to discover my investigator in bed with her.

I was disgusted. Not by them, but by myself. After all, I should've known...

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

I told the insurance investigators that they can't rule in my act of god claim.

I want to consult with priests instead.

I'm the leader of a group of shoddy private investigators.

I'm a directive defective detective.

French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said:

Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

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