UPJOKE
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A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator.

The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. The investigator then follows the wife around. A few days later, the husband finds a note on his car's windshield. He opens it and it reads: *"Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follo...

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator

What is another name for a gynocoloist ?

A private investigator.

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

I'm OCD about cleaning up.

There's never any dirty dishes in the sink, the floors are spotless, all the surfaces are wiped down. I even do this if I'm visiting somewhere. If I see a fingerprint or a footprint I just have to take care of it. It makes me a GREAT roommate... but a TERRIBLE crime scene investigator.

The investigator was awoken by the rookie opening his office door...

He shuffles in, manilla folder in hand.

*"Another murder case?"* he'd ask.

The rookie would nod, sliding the file over to the investigator.

Upon opening it, thousands of crows filled the room.

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator,

but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.

My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

What do you call a Private Investigator who is bad at his job?

A Defective!

I walk up to my friend, the private investigator...

Me: Did you ever figure out that password you were trying to crack? I never get to hear about your job.

Him: It's case sensitive.

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Four wealthy businessmen meet at a formal party at the bar, as it comes to a close.

After spending some time talking, one says "We haven't yet said what we do for a living, but **I bet a beer from each of you** that I can **guess** what your jobs are. I currently work for the IRS as an investigator, previously as a speculative analyst and behavioral psychiatrist, so I've been watch...

I've got a friend who's a female private investigator.

Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.

I enrolled to online Private Investigator Course but they are not answering...

I'm not sure if they just ignoring me or this is my first case...

Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

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Recently I hired an ex-military police private investigator to find out where my mom was going at night.

After several days without a reply from either of them, I went to my mother's to investigate.

I walked into the house to hear screaming and rushed into her room only to discover my investigator in bed with her.

I was disgusted. Not by them, but by myself. After all, I should've known...

Computer Hacking Investigator Job Interview

A guy went for an interview at a big IT company for the position of "Computer Hacking Investigator"

The boss asked him:

So, what makes you suitable for this job?

Well, he replied, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview.

I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges

Turned out he was a privet investigator.

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Private Investigator

"Mr. Johnson, I've been doing some digging, and your wife has been having sex with another man for about two weeks."

"What?! My wife died three weeks ago."

"Yeah. I SAID I've been doing some digging."

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Credit to MrProsserDreamsOfWar

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

Someone stole all the toilets from my local police station

Investigators have nothing to go on.

When your a spoiled brat and your dad is a trusts lawyer

Kid starts throwing a tantrum in a department store:

Kid: If you don’t buy this for me for Christmas I’ll kill myself!”

Dad: “Well then it’s a good thing I took out that life insurance policy on you”

Kid: “Ughhh! I hate you!”

Dad: “I love you too”

Kid: “Didn’t you ...

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

I told the insurance investigators that they can't rule in my act of god claim.

I want to consult with priests instead.

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

The Kansas police found a large number of dead crows on the 135 outside of Witchita today

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varyin...

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

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