The 59+ Best Realistic Jokes

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

CoD WW2 is so realistic...

Even the servers are from 1941.

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

I built an ultra realistic driving game

You can collect points but your insurance premium will go up.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell...

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I have purchased a new realistic sex doll.

She is so realistic that she only wants to be friends with me.

My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

Going to the local tattoo shop to get a realistic tattoo of a band aid on my elbow.

I'm just hoping that they can pull it off!

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

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People say porn isn’t realistic…

But Elon Musk’s dad just had a kid with his stepdaughter and Zach Wilson is sleeping with his mom’s best friend.

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Last night I had a sex dream that was so realistic

When I woke up all my money was gone

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The eldest of my six kids came up to me earlier and showed me a drawing she'd done of her mum's vagina. It looked incredibly realistic.

Especially when the other five came along and ripped it to fucking pieces.

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Saw an ad about dildos. It said ‘9 inches and realistic’.

I was like ‘well, which is it?’

Wanna watch Mad Max: Fury Road in VR so realistic you'd swear it's real?

Go to America

The rainforest cafe is getting to realistic

I was just sitting there enjoying my chicken tenders when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe

I've come up with some rules changes to make Settlers of Catan more realistic

Before you build a settlement, you have to murder and enslave all the natives that live on the island.

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Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

I had a realistic King Louie doll.

Then it's head fell off, making it even more realistic.

The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic!

I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing.

Have you tried the new, ultra-realistic vibrator?

"No, how does it work?"
"Right before you climax it comes, goes limp, farts, and turns itself off."

Did you hear about how realistic Call of Duty: WWII is?

Sledgehammer Games rented servers from the 1940s to replicate WWII as accurately as possible

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I bought a sex robot that’s so realistic

It won’t have sex with me either

Video games are becoming more and more realistic...

Because they're becoming more and more pay-to-win

The realistic magician

A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my ...

Disney have brought out a range of George Lucas dolls, complete with realistic features.

They keep selling out.

The moon landings looked more realistic than Hillary's rally last week.

And those were faked with 1960s technology.

Wow... World of Warcraft is getting pretty realistic these days

[Blizzard kills thousands of cows and threatens Texas dairy business](http://money.cnn.com/2016/01/02/news/dairy-texas-storm-goliath/index.html?iid=hp-stack-dom)

In the interest of of trying to make the classic doll more realistic, and easier for children to identify with, a new version is about to be released called "Divorced Barbie"

She comes with all of Ken's stuff too.

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

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World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

"World peace" I said.

"Something more realistic!" she laughed

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"

She reached for the phone.

"Who are you calling?" I asked.

"The United Nations" she replied.

What does a prudent Ukrainean learn?

It depends.

An optimistic Ukrainian learns English.

A pessimistic one learns Russian.

A realistic one learns how to shoot a rifle.

 

It's an old Romanian joke, from the '90s, it suddenly became relevant for our neighbours.

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A new vibrator has gone on sale.

Its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm,

It cums, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

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What's the difference between tinder and amusement parks?

Amusement parks have realistic height requirements.

A researcher is startled to find that 90% of the internet is bots

When confronted that this was realistically impossible, he exclaimed “But all they do is quote movies, books, and shows, and EACH OTHER! No human could possibly be this unoriginal!”

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 

The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle ...

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Miraculous Statue

One morning two priests are showering and they realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. He checks out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear...

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wow I just got the best blowjob of my life

Never knew VR porn could be so realistic!

My girlfriend said her free pass is Chris Hemsworth.

I told her my free pass is much more realistic and she should change her pick. She even agreed with me.

So I don't know why she got so mad when I said mine is her sister.

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Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

A monk, 3 nuns and liquid soap (long)

So 2 monks were going to have a shower and as they got in, they realised that they didn't have any soap so one of them went up to his room as he had some there. As he was leaving, he saw 3 nuns in the hallway so posed as a statue to wait for them to go past.

When they reached him, the first n...

Leonardo da Vinci's father is at "meet the teacher day".

He meets the maths teacher and asks "Hello mifter, how if my fon doing in your claff?"

The maths teacher ignores that slightly odd way of speaking of Leonardo's father and says, "your son is terrific, he's clearly a genius, you've got to see some of the stuff he's done in geometry."

An...

Why do we use black pens on white paper?

So hangman is more realistic.

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

An old priest climbs a mountain and asks god:

"dear lord, I've given you my life and my love. I've dedicated my entire life to spreading your name. In my old day, please grand me a wish"

So God told him "fine, you are granted one wish. But don't make it to difficult on me."

The priest thinks for a while and then says "dear god, I...

A New tattoo

My wife got a new tattoo yesterday, its so realistic. It's a seashell on her upper thigh, and when you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

Wife: "Oh Honey, what would you do without me?"

Me: "realistically or in my fantasies?"

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Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

“Man, I can’t believe NASA thinks we’d eat up that moon landing bullshit,” one of them says.

“I know, right?” says another. “Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.”

“The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on!” the third one interjects. “If they could do it, ...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

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Gaming Sex Robot

I brought a sex robot from EA and it's so realistic. It wont have sex with me until I buy Cosmetic Item add-ons.

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