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Accurate Jokes

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.
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When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.
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If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.
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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.
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How does one most accurately weigh themselves?

When they aren't full of shit.

A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)

There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced

The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead

The other man says “Why did you shoot him?” <...
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Why does China have the most accurate step-counters?

They track your every move
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How can you estimate the number of dogs in the world accurately?

You can't. You have to do it Ruffly.
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The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.
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39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though
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What makes bows so accurate?

Arrowdynamics.
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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
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I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.
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Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them

They're mostly old and white.
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What do you call a very short, inner-city man who accurately keeps time?

a metro-gnome
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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
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The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!
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I like it when people draw Manx cats accurately.

It shows attention to de-tail.
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Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”


“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
...
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best bit about having a baby

The best thing about having a baby is that you can tell them "you suck" for an entire year and be scientifically accurate
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The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man “Dad Bod”…

It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.
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3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.
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A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics...

...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.
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What's your favourite out of date joke?

I always enjoy jokes that have gone out of date, either because their subject has passed out of the public consciousness or because they reference things that are no longer accurate.

I'll get you started:

What's got three legs and lives on a farm?

The Mccartneys
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The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...
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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

I made a meme about communism

But then I realized that to be more accurate it should be called an “usus” instead of a “meme”
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The military described the drone strike as "surgical"

This was accurate. It was bloody, it was invasive, and they washed their hands afterwards.
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A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter...
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Aptronym is a personal name aptly or peculiarly suited to its owner.

Some famous examples of peoples whose name accurately describes them.
Usain Bolt- Jamaican sprinter.
Margaret Court- Australian tennis player.
Josh Outman- baseball pitcher.
Novak Djokovic - vaccine dodger.
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I was asked to draw tampons throughout the ages but I wonder...

Do they have to be period accurate?

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"Long Shots" (long)

A bartender was tending his bar, as one does, when a drunk patron approaches him and orders a pint of beer, plus a couple shots for himself and the bartender... The bar was relatively unpopulated, save for a few sitting along the bar and a booth of 5 gentlemen in the far corner, loudly joking and la...

The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.

The physicist says, “The initial measurement ...
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Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.

Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.

Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.
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So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.
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Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing.

The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.
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True, but not true?

I read an article that claimed 1 in 5 statements are false or misleading, but the other 4 statements in the same article seemed pretty accurate to me, so I am fairly certain that statistic is wrong.
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A Husband and Wife are in their car

while driving thru downtown New York City. The conversation circles around to the topic of which century we are in right now. The husband says we are in the 20th century right now but the wife accurately disagrees and tells him that we are indeed in the 21st century as we are in 2021. An argument er...

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

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