Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

How can you estimate the number of dogs in the world accurately?

You can't. You have to do it Ruffly.

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

What do you call a very short, inner-city man who accurately keeps time?

a metro-gnome

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

My grandpa always told me that if I do what I love I'll never work a day in my life. Sound advice and very accurate!

I love drugs

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

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I was asked to draw tampons throughout the ages but I wonder...

Do they have to be period accurate?

What do Walter Reed and Trump National have in common?

Both are places where Trump doesn't count his strokes accurately.

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My younger sister just got a job at the mall

It is her first job, and she's working as a salesperson at that lotion, soap, and candle place. I'm not going to name names, but you know it, over there in the mall, right next to that new smoothie place where they put chia seeds in all their smoothies. They are really good smoothies, but I digress....

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A farmer is lazily laying on the ground...

Lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks "Excuse me, do you have the correct time? My watch has stopped."

The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts it's testicles for a moment then says "It's 1:24"

The rider is taken aback, "Are you sur...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

Attractive nurses probably never get accurate pulse readings from their patients.

Neither do ugly ones.

I like it when people draw Manx cats accurately.

It shows attention to de-tail.

I made a meme about communism

But then I realized that to be more accurate it should be called an “usus” instead of a “meme”

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

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A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.



He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
...

Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?

They have a supreme ruler

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

My Thanksgiving dinners are historically accurate

I invite myself into a stranger's house for dinner, eat all his food and then tell him I live there.

Have you heard about the band 999MB?

They haven't gotten a gig yet.



Edit to clarify: There are two systems. More people know about the one wherein 1024MB = 1GB. However, the IEC proposed a new one where 1000MB = 1GB. This change isn't well known, but it is more accurate. Sorry for the confusion!

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

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The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

Someone told me today is "slap your irritating coworker day" but I don't think that's right

"Get slapped by your co-workers day" would be more accurate.

What makes bows so accurate?

Arrowdynamics.

Why are Sith measurements not as accurate as Jedis'?

Because a Sith deals only in absolutes.

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Man goes to buy a new car...

The salesman at the dealership talks with him for a while and sets him up with a car that suits his needs. As he's leaving the lot, he wants to listen to some music and discovers there isn't any buttons on the stereo. He beckons over the salesman and asks "what's the deal with the stereo, I can't tu...

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i apologize if this has been posted here already

A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, “What’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, “What’s in the sack?” The man again replies, “It’s nothing worth ...

A girl wants movie stars faces tattooed on her thighs

So she goes to a tattoo parlor and spends hours having Christain Bale’ face tattooed on her left inner thigh and Leonardo DiCaprio’s face tattooed on her right inner thigh.

When it’s finished, she is extremely disappointed with the results, saying neither face is an accurate depiction of who...

What is a mainstream media award for accurate, fair and even-handed journalism called?

A pink slip.

Doctors have come up with a more scientific and more accurate name for cabin fever...

Stuck Home Syndrome

Some redditors say I can't make accurate jokes on 3.1415926535897932384626433832...

That's just irrational!

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

A couple were walking through Moscow one day in the 60's

An old friend of theirs, Olf, who was a member of their local communist party wing, started talking to them.

Olf always had a reputation for being kind at heart, but gruff and a bit sour in conversation.

As they finished their conversation, Olf told them it would start raining in aroun...

Aladdin and his monkey, Abu, find a magic lamp.

The genie emerges and offers three wishes. Aladdin laments, “I’m just a poor lonely thief. My only friend is my monkey Abu here. I wish I could cover my eyes with my hands and when I uncover them, a new friend would appear.”

The genie says, “It is granted,” and Aladdin tries it out. He covers...

You can accurately measure a person's intelligence level by giving them a simple prostate exam.

If they let you, they're an idiot.

The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate.

It's non-existent.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome (Warning: joke does contain some curse words)

One thing I’ve figured out is that sometimes laughing at yourself can actually help you deal with bad situations in your life. A personal example of how I do this is with my own health. I’ve had the digestive problem IBS since I was a teenager. It’s not the easiest thing in the world to live with so...

From my father-in-law. "Did you know the Polacks started WWII?"

"Yeah, they threw a grenade at the Germans, and the Germans pulled the pin and threw it back."

His joke not mine. I apologize to my polish friends if this offends you, and yes I'm aware his joke could better or more historically accurate.

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. British light fittings use bayonet connectors.

OK, it's not that funny, but at least it's accurately observed.

As the conservative party faces criticism over renaming it's Twitter account to Fact Checker,

Boris Johnson doubles down by more accurately renaming his own account Fact Hunt.

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Movie Quiz

Try this quick and easy test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It Really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 19 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

\- Pick a number from 1 to 9

\- Multiply by 3
...

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A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.

Husband: Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack there of. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help.

Doctor: Where is your wife?

Husband: I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you.

Doctor: Since she is no...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

The scary thing about watch dogs 3

Is the fact it's accurate representation on britian

Uh.. Lousy Manager..

A Project Manager is floating about 30 ft off the ground in a balloon.
He spots a man on the ground and calls out.

Man in Balloon: "Where am I?"
Man of Ground: "You're 30 ft off the ground in a balloon."

Man in Balloon: "You must be a programmer"
Man of Ground: "How did you kn...

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

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A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

Can anyone explain what mysoginistic means please?

Preferably a man, to be accurate.

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

With the number of reposts on this site

"Reddit" is a pretty accurate name

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A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes
without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the
buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with
them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to
hire an external engineering ...

The Pope & Mr. Netanyahu

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
<...

Missiles

They don't sound very accurate

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