Honestly Jokes

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

Problem is, no one else can see him.

I'm not a fan.

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

I guess it's just the Atmos fear.

That's why I hate triathlons.

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son... read more

No seriously they cant reach it themselves

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

REM It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

But I can with a deck of cards.

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

They have enough on their plates as it is.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.

...they’re just so fed up with people.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.

Vacuum cleaners suck.

He said, "Can't complain."

Apparently I have no personality.

It made a die a little inside.

but it's what it's I guess

like as if I have 2020 vision.

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

It's one of my shortcomings.

She literally can't even

If they continue eating the Amazon rainforest we won't be able to breathe.

I’m more of a fan of wind.

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold t... read more

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.

Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.

They just keep going around in circles, man.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui... read more

I replied "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".

That would be way too many

Only in retail can you drop something on the floor in front of the customer, and continue to try and sell it to them.

You could say I found my porpoise.

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

So, I unplugged his life support.

Patience

Are you asleep?

If I wanted to wait ages for a quick thrill, I'd go home to my wife.

"You're a 9/10 for me"

"*What?*", she says hurtfully. Am I not perfect enough?"

"No. But you would be if you were my +1"

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

was the most forgettable.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-... read more

Other than that, there's not really much more I can teach you about doing laundry."

You don't think he did anything good? You're wrong.

How about the fact that when you take your wife or gf to the airport, you no longer have to walk her all the way to the gate?

Atleast I'd get pounded less