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Honestly Jokes

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

A wife says to her husband, "Have a gained to much weight since we met?"

The husband honestly answers, "Oh, maybe just a fraction more than I'd like." The wife asks, "I thought so too. How *much* of a fraction?" The husband again answers honestly, "I'd rather not say. It would be improper."

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

"If there are two idiots in the room, please stand up . . ."

The sarcastic teacher said this before surveying the room with a smarmy smile.

After a long silence, a lone student stands up in the middle of the classroom.

"I honestly didn't expect anyone to stand up. Mister, why do you consider yourself and an idiot?" The teacher asks this with a ...

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

So this guy walks into a church...

So this guy walks into a church. He goes up to the priest and says: “Look, I’m struggling a lot lately, trying to understand the universe, and our place in existence and all that. None of the stories I’ve heard satisfy me. Can you just tell me honestly – where did this world come from?”

The p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?

“Honestly, between you and me something smells”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beaver invites Rabbit over for dinner one night

The dinner goes swimmingly well, and Rabbit is very impressed with Beaver's skill in the kitchen. Particularly with the homemade iced cream dessert that Beaver was famous for. Not really expecting much of an answer, because Beaver is ever the coy herbivore, Rabbit inquires politely, "Goodness, Beave...

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

Honestly you gotta hand it to short people

No seriously they cant reach it themselves

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

A joke for my cake day: My wife beamed at me with tear in her eye & said, "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!"

I said “I honestly didn’t neither. This trebuchet is amazing!”

A man moves across country to a new city.

A man moves to a new city and starts a new job.


Lunchtime comes around and his coworker asks him to join him. They go to a restaurant down the road, sit down and he orders the Club Sandwich.

They get their food after a couple of minutes and talk about work.
The man is intrigued...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in court facing bestiality charges

The judge says to him, "I can't believe you have sex with dogs, this is disgusting, it upset the dogs, their owners. Honestly, how low can you go?"

The guy says, "probably a chihuahua."

I have seen a lot of fat jokes recently, and I honestly think we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is.

I helped an old lady off the bus the other day...

Honestly, I don't know how she got up there.

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

Covid19 inappropriate playlist thread. Honestly, I'm surprised it not been done yet. I'll start....

REM It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

why does everyone feel the need to defend people in wheelchairs?

Honestly, let them stand up for themselves.

This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative.

And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

Honestly getting a concussion wasn’t so bad.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

I honestly understand cannibals...

...they’re just so fed up with people.

A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

Honestly I think English is a bloody stupid language

but it's what it's I guess

I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

Honestly man...

Vacuum cleaners suck.

I did a Briggs-Myers personality test. It said answer honestly, so i did.

Apparently I have no personality.

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

I asked my friend in North Korea how he honestly feels about living there?

He said, "Can't complain."

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

A Politician tries telling the truth for once

A crisis gripped the State.

"Mr. Politician! How do you intend to solve this crisis!"

"Honestly...? I don't know. This is a very complex situation, with so many moving parts that it's far beyond the understanding of any one person, or even a small group. I don't know what I'm going to ...

I’m honestly sick and tired of people asking me what would i be doing in 139 days

like as if I have 2020 vision.

As I was smoking, I decided to read the label and was honestly shocked to find out that smoking is bad for you

It made a die a little inside.

I honestly don't know how to talk to dwarfs

It's one of my shortcomings.

Honestly, I've never seen a flat earther. Maybe it's because they're two one dimensional.

Ba-dum-tisssh!

Ellen got a lot of backlash recently but honestly

Is anyone surprised that she likes Bush?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone asks me, “How’s your sex life?”, I can honestly say

I’m holding my own.

Honestly, vegans should stop

If they continue eating the Amazon rainforest we won't be able to breathe.

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