I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

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What's the only thing separating the poor from literal shit?

The r

I literally only know two phone numbers

911 and J.G. Wentworth’s.

Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me

I told her that’s terrible for the carpet

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

Yo momma is so literal...

...You still have the scar from when she threw you under the bus.

Last week we had an earthquake, a hurricane, and a LITERAL serpentine fire so, on this auspicious day, I'd just like to say:

OK, Earth Wind & Fire...

WE REMEMBER THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER!!!

Guys, golf is literally so easy....

I’ve played one hole and I’ve got 47 points

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

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Interviewer: Your resume says that you are extremely literal.

Me: Holy shit. My resume is talking now?

My wife and I just had a row and it ended with her literally on her hands and knees

saying "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

No one: Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

I'm a literal genius. I finished this super hard puzzle in only 6 months!

The box said 2-4 years.

I don't get why people say rubik's cubes are so hard. There's literally only one combination

Yes, I'm colorblind. Why are y'all asking?

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

If you enjoy nascar than your probably a racist, however, if you hate nascar than you are literally a racist.

Because you hate races

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Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

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I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk ...

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the t...

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Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?

Because they literally can't even

People really shouldn't take things literally.

That's stealing

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

When my students didn't believe me that Nero set Rome on fire, I told them he..

.. literally lit Italy.

A disabled bald eagle gets canceled

I recently signed a publishing deal on my inspirational children’s book about Ebert the one winging eagle who overcomes his disability and learns to fly. It is quite the heartwarming tale but I had to call it off due to all the backlash. People were outraged that he was literally a right wing extrem...

A co-worker asked me "How's it going?"

Me: "I can't complain."
Coworker: "Hey it's great you're having a good day!"
Me: "No I mean I literally can't complain. HR said it's affecting morale."

Dolly Parton just got a dose of her own medicine.

Literally.

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“Your dick is so small”

Says the bitch with literally no penis tf

What happens when you travel to mount Rushmore

You will see a literal cliff face

What's more fun than a vegan at a BBQ?

Anything. Literally anything.

A man has been stealing wheels of police cars

Police are working tirelessly to catch him


Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud

I had to stop telling puns to kleptomaniacs

They take everything literally!

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Always have a sadistic person light your grill

After all, they're literally pro-pain...

People who mix up literally with figuratively make me crazy!

Well that’s what the talking rabbit in my bedroom tells me.

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

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A man is flying on an airplane.

Several hours into the flight he needs to go to the bathroom, so he goes to the lavatories but they are all occupied and there's quite a queue. He waits for about 10 minutes until he literally cannot hold it any longer.

Just when he's about to burst he sees lady come out of the ladies room in...

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler took his art professor's advice literally.

He told him "You suck, go paint maps."

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

The other day I found this literal fossil of a PC...

It had about a trilobyte of storage on it!

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I wonder what it’s like to date a politician

Being both financially and literally fucked by the same person

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

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A man wakes up

A man wakes up in a dimly lit room with three doors. On each door, there is a picture of a different type of food. The first door has a picture of eggs, second has a picture of cereal and the third has a picture of beans.

The man decides to try the first door, so he opens it. Behind it is a ...

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The most ancient joke from the Stone Age (really)

I've read somewhere that this is considered the most ancient still surviving joke, already told by cavemen around the campfire, literally tens of thousands of years old. (So like the ultimate unoriginal one lol.) Figured maybe you haven't heard it, so here it goes (sorry if my delivery is bad).
...

How can we call Buzz Aldren a hero?

When he *literally* turned his back on the world.

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask does not know.

If I have to see one more Jeffrey Epstein joke I'm literally gonna kill myself

Unlike Epstein who as we all know was murdered

Donald Trump was due to get circumcised

But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they literally can’t even.

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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a man is talking to a therapist

therapist: why did you find your siblings annoying?

man: my brother was so loud.. he literally didn't stop yelling from the second he was born to the moment he died.

therapist: wow, that must have broken some sort of record.

man: nah, five minutes is nothing.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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