UPJOKE
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Literal Jokes

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*
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My atheist boyfriend treats me like a literal goddess.

He acts like I don't exist.
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I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...
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A literalist takes things literally

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally
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Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma
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I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."
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Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
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Never literally taking cooking instructions…

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”

I nearly died
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What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world?

Exaggeration.
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A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...
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Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”
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Literal Omnipotence

As the holidays approach, many donation boxes spring up in the streets of New York, like mushrooms after rain, hoping for the holiday spirit to infect patrons with some extra generosity.

A tired commuter walks past some religious donation box, with the attendant soliciting, "Share in the hol...
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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

If the war on drugs was a literal war...

How many of you would shoot heroin?
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Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”
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Literal Penguins

A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.

"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."...
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Never literally taking cooking instructions…

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they meant to say the inside of the pan . . .
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Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

Yo momma is so literal...

...You still have the scar from when she threw you under the bus.
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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

My friend is very literal

He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across
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What do you call a guy that masturbates to literally everything?

Jack of all trades

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What's the only thing separating the poor from literal shit?

The r

I had a job in high school where I literally broke every record

Of course I worked at Tower Records, so not such a good thing.
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"Grammar Nazis are literally the worst."

"No, actual Nazis are literally the worst."

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

I'm a literal genius. I finished this super hard puzzle in only 6 months!

The box said 2-4 years.
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Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”

Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling e...
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Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...
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My girlfriend just told me, “I’m leaving you.”

Me: Is it because I’m too literal?

Her: Well, it’s because we aren’t working out.

Me: No problem. Let’s get a gym membership together.
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Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence
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The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...
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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?
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Interviewer: Your resume says that you are extremely literal.

Me: Holy shit. My resume is talking now?

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
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My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
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Literally on her knees...

A: I heard you were in an argument with your wife last night.
B: Yeah, we did. It's pretty rough actually.
A: How did it turn out?
B: Eventually I made her on her knees.
A: You did? And she said?
B: She told me, 'get out from under that bed, I know you're in there!'
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It takes me literally forever to do a #2.

Because I’m so full of shit.

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!
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Guys, golf is literally so easy....

I’ve played one hole and I’ve got 47 points
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I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”
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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

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There are literally no available toilets in Motown.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me

I told her that’s terrible for the carpet
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What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke
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People really shouldn't take things literally.

That's stealing
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To the guy who hacked my Reddit account

I will find you, and I will kill you


Edit: no you won't


Special edit for u/takes_joke_literally , are you happy now?
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Dirty Joke literally

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.

Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.

Friend: Ok I can see it...

Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.

Friend: Uh-huh. I'm likin' this.

Me: Ok. So ...

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

People who mix up literally with figuratively make me crazy!

Well that’s what the talking rabbit in my bedroom tells me.
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An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...
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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

#

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# POST REMOVED

# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

**Every** Scooby-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**
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What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
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As a dyslexic I've been stung for taking phrases literally

If beauty really lies with the beeholder I've yet to meet one.
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Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.
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Picasso, Caravaggio, and Warhol meet in Hell.

They ask for an appointment with god to ask him why they went to hell despite being great artists who gave so much to the world.

God says, "Caravaggio, you were a street gang bully and a literal murderer. Of course you go to hell."

"What about me?" Picasso says.

"Picasso, you tr...

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I recently learned that the Chinese word for "anus" is 屁眼 which literally means "the butt's eye"

It really makes sense in hind-sight

My friends say that I take things too literally

but I didnt take anything from them
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The world is literally ending.

Well, at least for the Caribbean tourism business.
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If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

In English class I learned the word for when you take someone literally.

“Kidnapping”
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girls used to literally run after me, but they stoped

because I stopped stealing their bags.
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I hope you don't take this joke literally

but if you do, please return it later.
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