UPJOKE
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Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

Literally no one:

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Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo mamma

My atheist boyfriend treats me like a literal goddess.

He acts like I don't exist.

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

#

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# POST REMOVED

# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

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Girls literally only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing

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"Grammar Nazis are literally the worst."

"No, actual Nazis are literally the worst."

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

**Every** Scooby-Doo **episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.**

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[Couples Therapy] Her: I am sick of him being literal all the time!

Therapist: I see. And how do you feel?

Him: With my hands.

Did you know male bees literally die after they make love.

Yep, it's: Honey-Nut-Cherrio!

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

A coma in a sentence can literally change everything. For example:

*Ben is in a hurry.*

*Ben is in a coma.*

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What's the only thing separating the poor from literal shit?

The r

My friend is very literal

He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

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It takes me literally forever to do a #2.

Because I’m so full of shit.

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me

I told her that’s terrible for the carpet

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

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A homeless man goes into a pharmacy and asks the young attractive woman behind the counter

"Do you have any male pharmacist here ?"

Woman " Well, me and my twin sister own this place and take turns. Tell me what you want?"

Man " well it's kinda embarrassing."

Woman "Dont worry I'm a professional and deal with many cases everyday".

Man "Well, My cock is always e...

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

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I asked my asexual friend how he is so care free in life...

He told me he literally doesn't give a fuck

Yo momma is so literal...

...You still have the scar from when she threw you under the bus.

Last week we had an earthquake, a hurricane, and a LITERAL serpentine fire so, on this auspicious day, I'd just like to say:

OK, Earth Wind & Fire...

WE REMEMBER THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER!!!

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A college student returns to his dormitory after visiting a prostitute.

"Hey," the student's roommate says, "how was your... uh, session?"

"I don't know why you recommended her!" the student replies. "She's *literally* crazy!"

"What happened?!" asks the roommate.

"First," the student replies, "she told me to lie on the floor. I did, and then she sto...

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

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Two guys are talking about dc vs marvel

P1: Dude i cant watch dc movies they're too dark.

P2: Well to be fair so is marvel. Thanos killed half the universe.

P1: No like they're literally too dark I cant fucking see anything

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A dying man's last wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

I'm a literal genius. I finished this super hard puzzle in only 6 months!

The box said 2-4 years.

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

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Interviewer: Your resume says that you are extremely literal.

Me: Holy shit. My resume is talking now?

I went to a great restaurant the other day -- it has absolute best brats, franks, and other sausages I've ever had!

It was literally the wurst place in town.

One year for my sister’s wedding anniversary, I bought my sister a jigsaw puzzle that when put together would show her wedding picture.

Little did I know that shortly after that, her marriage literally went to pieces.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leach

One is a spineless bloodsucking parasite, the other is a literal worm.

My wife complains that I'm too literal

So we went to see a marriage counselor and she asked, "so what brings you here today?"


I said, "my truck"

What's the difference between a literal person and a cleptomaniac?

The literal takes everything literally. The cleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

I literally only know two phone numbers

911 and J.G. Wentworth’s.

Literal Penguins

A man was driving down the road with three penguins in the back seat of his car. He's pulled over by police officer.

"Can I see your license and regi...what are you doing with three penguins in your car? You can't have these penguins! Go take them to the zoo right now, get out of here..."...

Literally on her knees...

A: I heard you were in an argument with your wife last night.
B: Yeah, we did. It's pretty rough actually.
A: How did it turn out?
B: Eventually I made her on her knees.
A: You did? And she said?
B: She told me, 'get out from under that bed, I know you're in there!'

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they take everything literally.

What’s the difference between a thief and an autist?

We take things literally while thieves take things, literally.

Guys, golf is literally so easy....

I’ve played one hole and I’ve got 47 points

Crickets.....

What did the cricket say to the other cricket?
*cue cricket sounds

Literal crickets sounds*
Tough crowd huh?

A scientist is testing a robot that he has just built, and takes him to a baseball game to test his awareness without the robot’s eyes working.

They arrive at the game and take their seats. The home team, the Boston Red Sox is losing the game 2 runs to nothing to New York. The scientist leans over and says to the robot “Run down: 2, New York” The robot takes this as a command and quickly runs to New York from Boston, arriving back just befo...

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This guy right here is a trisexual

He'll try anything three times.


*heard this in a literal bar with a drunk hill billy guy giving some guy shit. I had a good laugh*

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I fashioned a sandal out of poop.

It's literally a croc of shit.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

Tell a man a joke

And he will tell it to literally everyone he knows

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…

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Life without women would be a pain in the ass

Literally.

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

Where's the best party at?

Morgue...people are literally dying to get in

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

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I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

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