The 117+ Best Correct Jokes

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

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Maybe replacement theory is correct.

Even neo-nazi's are being replaced by black people.

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Edit1: a typo

Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

The inventor of auto-correct has died

his funnel is tomato

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man *ran* by a campsite” because it’s past tents

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

I used to work as a programmer at auto correct.

They fried me for no reason

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

Correct answer

The renowned logician, S. F. X. Van Dusen, was walking home through the warren of streets that was late-Victorian Boston when he was accosted by a stranger.

"Can you tell me how to get to the First Presbyterian Church?" he asked.

"Yes," replied the scientist, smiling benevolently, and ...

Correct Change

Two counterfeiters are making some fake bills. They've had a few drinks, so quality control is a little off. They accidentally make a whole stack of $15 bills.

"What the hell are we gonna do now? We wasted all this time and resources making these" one of them says.

"I know", ...

ah auto correct!

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

block quote
"I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and I have to confess.”

I have been tapping your wife for many weeks now.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I hope yo...

Stormtrooper: Am I aiming my gun correctly?

Yoda: Off course you are.

Math Teacher: Your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you have all the correct answers

Later at Home: I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken

Fast & Furious : The politically correct edition

Fast 10 - The seatbelts

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condoms used correctly

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What s that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: W...

[OC] Did you hear about that new Anatomically Correct Elmo doll they're working on?

Before they sell it to the kids, they're gonna give it two test tickles.

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome

John: I didn't even know I was I'll

Why is the Z the only politically-correct letter?

Because all the other letters are not-Z's.

“Correcting killed the cat,” said a stranger standing next to a man.

“No, that was curiosi…” a loud bang and flash of light silenced him quickly

The inventor of auto correct died today.

His fun fair is next monkey

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A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism?

Doesn't matter.

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece
...

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

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I was born with a rare condition ,, I only had one bum cheek . Anyway i recently had an operation to correct the problem. I can't thank the surgeons enough.

They made a complete arse of it.

How to correctly give parent your school report

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

All jokes are funny with the correct delivery

Except for abortion jokes, there is no delivery.

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The technician didn't wire up the elevator buttons correctly

It's wrong on so many levels…

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What's the correct term to describe an Alabama Girl that can run faster than her brothers?

Virgin.

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

I won the first place in the Politically correct quiz contest

To be fair, so did the rest of them

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...

"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."

How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.

For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.

After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

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What if iPhones auto-corrected duck instead of f*ck?

"I went to the park and fed some fucks by the pond today."

What is the correct toast to someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

Bottoms up!

What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.

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Correcting an old joke

*This joke was told wrongly elsewhere:*

Chaim is dying, and he tells his family, gathered around the death-bed, “Please, get me a priest! I want to convert.”

“Chaim, you have been a good Jew all your life. Why would you want to convert, now, when you are so close to dying?”

“E...

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

It may not be "politically correct" to say this...

...but there are over one million U.S Senators.

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TIL that it's not politically correct to say someone is gay...

The preferred term is "Navy enlisted personnel."

“I stand corrected…”

Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

If we don't proofread and correct mistakes

The errorists win.

You can say “was” five times in a row and have it still be grammatically correct.

Before was was was, was was is.

My Vietnamese friend is very particular about people pronouncing words in his language correctly, so I called him a “Pho-cist”.

He was pretty offended, and I haven’t seen him since I don’t know, Nguyen.

Auto-correct walks into a bar...

And the batman says, 'why the log fence?'

So what if I can't spell "armagedon" correctly ?

Its not the end of the world.

How are men like a linoleum kitchen floor? If you are able to lay them correctly the first time,

Then You Are Able To Walk All Over Them For The Next Twenty Five Years.

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

My friend tries hard to be politically correct

Talk about the pot calling the kettle African American

A farmer has a wife who loves to correct him.

One day, he asks her if he can invite his friend Billy over for dinner. "Don't say Billy," she chastises, "say William."

After they eat dinner, he asks William if he can tell him a tale. "Don't say tale," the wife says, "say anecdote."

When the farmer is about to go to bed, he realizes...

The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven (repost with correct grammar)

They are received in heaven by St Francis who says, "As you can see, there're a lot of ducks on the floor. If you step on one, you will be forced to live with an ugly woman for the rest of eternity." The men agree.

Five minutes later, the first man accidentally steps on a duck, so an ang...

Some pronounce it as gif, others say gif but the correct way is actually

gif

Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.

Apparently it's my "daughter."

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.

His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

Politically correct

I identify as as a comedian
My pronouns are HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE

Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

A man is walking with yoda and asked him if they are in the correct route.

Yoda then replied "Off course, we are"

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

Some commentor tried to correct a journalist's misspelling of "grammar."

Then Andy Grammer said, "But... that's how you spell my surname."

I don't care if it's not "politically correct"...

But I think the president of Europe is a really nice guy

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

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People whom correct grammar mistakes are called grammar nazis.

It’s because there anti semantic.

I'm a Brit and I hate it when I have to correct Americans' choice of words.

It's colour not color.

It's football, not soccer.

It's lift, not elevator.

It's school, not shooting range.

Auto Correct

Text to Neighbor:

Hi Fred, this Richard next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you face to face. at least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer ...

I’m so thankful for auto correct

Otherwise I’d be ducking up everything.

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

So many people are bothered about correct grammar

But I couldn't care fewer

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I don't think it's correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

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Correct Grammar

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping ...

People threaten me when I correct their grammar.

But they’re the ones who end up in comma.

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

Why can’t the British pronounce there t’s correctly

Because the Americans dumped it all

If I'm good at lip reading correctly...

Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

Is it possible to have the word ‘and’ five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.

So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with ...

I won the first place in the Political Correctness Quiz contest..

To be fair,so did everyone else...

I tried to draw a circle, after doing all my calculations, it would never be correct...

Turns out, it was a rounding error

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Free Sex w every fill up.

There was this gas station in Anderson, SC trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon Bubba pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and if he guessed correctly, he would g...

Son: Mom, is it correct to say you're going to water the horse?

Mom: Yes, son.

Son: alright, well I'm going to go bone the dog.

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?

Radio Yerevan answered:In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and four...

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days...

My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

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Corrective Surgery

When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and a lot of trouble walking. So he and his wife went t...

God damn auto correct...

Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo

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Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.

May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics.

And then I looked at her head.

I blocked a girl for correcting my grammar

It feelded good

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

This sentence is incorrect, you have to change a word for it to be correct, what word do you change?

Change "Incorrect" to "Correct"

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

What do you call politically correct chocolate?

Her/she kisses

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...

I almost got killed because my Superman cloak wasn't the correct size.

It was a narrow "S" cape.

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

Totos is wondering why he failed the test since he answered all questions correct:

1. In which battle did Leonidas die?

\- His last one.

2. Where did the Declaration of Independence was signed?

\- At the bottom of the page.

3. If you throw a stone in the lake, what will happen?

\- It will get wet.

4. How can some...

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

How do you define political correctness?

Carefully.

Propaganda correct definition

When someone from Boston takes a really good look at something.

Teacher: What is 117 + 3?

Johny: 5!

Teacher: Correct..

To the person who made auto correct

Restaurant in piece

There was a tile mason who was terrible at his job. He couldn't get the right tile to use and if he did he could not lay it the correct way.

He had erect tile dysfunction

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