The inventor of auto-correct has died

his funnel is tomato

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who can’t choose between “your” and “you’re” correctly piss me off.

Like, our you fucking kidding me?

Why isn’t Medusa politically correct?

She is always objectifying people

There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.

For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.

After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

How are men like a linoleum kitchen floor? If you are able to lay them correctly the first time,

Then You Are Able To Walk All Over Them For The Next Twenty Five Years.

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

My friend tries hard to be politically correct

Talk about the pot calling the kettle African American

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

Math Teacher: Your homework looks like chicken scratch, but you have all the correct answers

Later at Home: I think she’s on to us, mathmachicken

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Some one told me to leave my auto correct on

I told them to eat my ash

I heard this one 45 years ago, I hope its correct.

After high school I took a year break before college. I decided to take a position on a local fishing boat. I started off as the guy how cuts all of the bait for the seasoned fisherman. By the time summer was over I had worked my way up to the main guy who baited all of the hooks. I asked the captai...

A farmer has a wife who loves to correct him.

One day, he asks her if he can invite his friend Billy over for dinner. "Don't say Billy," she chastises, "say William."

After they eat dinner, he asks William if he can tell him a tale. "Don't say tale," the wife says, "say anecdote."

When the farmer is about to go to bed, he realizes...

I find it hard to understand that people still don’t know how to correctly use “their”, “there” and “they’re”

Their so stupid.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day,

Anal sex makes your hole weak.










Edit: added “whole”
Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

I won the first place in the Political Correctness Quiz contest..

To be fair,so did everyone else...

Politically correct

I identify as as a comedian
My pronouns are HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

Sooo, are you....?

An elephant meets a boa for the first time. Intrigued, he asks him:

\- You're a weird creature ... how do you move? You have no legs.

\- Well, it's simple, I'm crawling…

\- Oh, Okay!

The elephant start to move, but, even more intrigued, he turns and asks again:

\- ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things start to heat up....

He takes his shirt off and then washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes hands again. After watching this for a few minutes, the girl says, "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he replies, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You keep washing your hands, so I figure you're used to it...

If I'm good at lip reading correctly...

Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.

So what if I can't spell "armagedon" correctly ?

Its not the end of the world.

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

A man is up in court

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says...

You can say “was” five times in a row and have it still be grammatically correct.

Before was was was, was was is.

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

Some commentor tried to correct a journalist's misspelling of "grammar."

Then Andy Grammer said, "But... that's how you spell my surname."

There was once a boy

Forgive me for my bad english, its my second language. Feel free to give corrections if there are any

There was once a boy who treats everyone garbage, making fun of someone by who they are in the outside. His mother didn’t approve this behavior and told to his son that it was not right to ri...

A man is walking with yoda and asked him if they are in the correct route.

Yoda then replied "Off course, we are"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need a transfusion.

&nbsp;

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally,
the ...

Why can’t the British pronounce there t’s correctly

Because the Americans dumped it all

A woman told me I was the biggest she'd ever had..

Apparently ditto wasn't the correct repsonse

I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct.

Turns out it was a piece of cake.

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.

Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man *ran* by a campsite” because it’s past tents

Little Johnny is in class one day...

The Teacher says "Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says "NONE... After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!"

Teacher says "Well, the cor...

I don't care if it's not "politically correct"...

But I think the president of Europe is a really nice guy

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven and each will have to answer a single question.

*To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"*

*The teacher thought for a second, and replied:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". And St. Peter let him through the gate.*

*St. Peter turned to the Garba...

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

What did Son Goku tell his wife after she got mad that he wanted to correct her all the time?

"I'm just saiyan..."

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven (repost with correct grammar)

They are received in heaven by St Francis who says, "As you can see, there're a lot of ducks on the floor. If you step on one, you will be forced to live with an ugly woman for the rest of eternity." The men agree.


Five minutes later, the first man accidentally steps on a duck, so an ang...

Going to a bar

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large woman came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “it’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “oh right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”<...

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job advertisement

A company was searching for someone to pack items. The only requirement for the job was to be able to count to ten.

The first applicant comes in and is asked to count to ten.

>10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Well, that's backwards. Can you also do it in the correct ord...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

Little Johnny learns additions in school.

Teacher: "Johnny, what is 3 plus 4?"

Johnny starts counting his finders: "One, two, three... four, five, six, seven. Seven Miss!"

Teacher: "Correct Johnny, but you need to learn doing additions without counting on your fingers. Put your hand in your pockets."

Johnny proceeds wit...

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Two deaf guys stop off in a pub one night on the way home from their lip reading class.

Communicating by using their new lip reading skills one offers to buy the drinks and gives the money to the other who goes to the bar to get them.

At the bar he asks for two pints of lager which the barman puts on the bar and then says “that’ll be £15 please.”

The deaf guy looks shocke...

Political correctness

This political correctness is slowly getting too bad. You can't even say "black tea" anymore. Now it's "Jamal, pour me more tea"

I’m so thankful for auto correct

Otherwise I’d be ducking up everything.

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Did you know?

According to Ohm's law, the best way to get an answer is to post an incorrect answer online, and someone will eventually correct you.

Forth annual Hicksville spelling b

Down to the last 3 contestants....
The last word is before;

Judge; contestant #1 the word is before

C1: Before b e f o u r befour

Judge: I'm sorry but that is incorrect!
Contestant #2, the word is before

C2: before b e f o r. Before.

Judge: I'm sorry but th...

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Corrective Surgery



When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and a lot of trouble walking. So he and his wife went t...

A police officer pulled me over.

"Hello, there!" I said.

He said, "Sir, I'm almost certain I can smell alcohol on your breath. About 95%"

I said, "Correction, whiskey is about 40%"

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct people's spelling

and having friends

The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.

So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.

"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."

The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who wil...

If I remember correctly, the game “Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes” had a very brief stint of enormous popularity out of nowhere.

No one was talking about it, and it exploded onto the scene.

To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week pas...

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He g...

How do you define political correctness?

Carefully.

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

I bet my doctor he couldn’t help me fix my posture problems…

I stand corrected

Authorities are warning that drug dealers have been spiking corrective eyewear with illegal drugs

Victims are reporting a contact high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

Me: what starts with "W" and ends with "T"

Me: what starts with "W" and ends with "T".

Friend: what?

Me: correct.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

Politically correct people are great comedians

Even when they say something's not funny people keep laughing

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

People threaten me when I correct their grammar.

But they’re the ones who end up in comma.

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.

The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and a girl are romanticaly sitting in the park

Suddenly she loosens her blouse and while looking the boy in the eyes she asks: "do you want to know where they did surgery on my hart?"
The boy, being flabbergasted by this stutters a bit and then brings out: "yes... Yes please!" While looking greedily at her breasts.
The girl, happy with thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. (Long)

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. He sat amidst billions upon billions upon billions, which surrounded him. He alone, at the end of time, bore witness to the Great Library, the vast repository of consciousness in Universe.

Before him was a pile of similar cubes. These cub...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

So many people are bothered about correct grammar

But I couldn't care fewer

A priest is preaching about the dangers of inebriation.

"Christians! If you put a bucket of water and a bucket of vodka in front of a donkey, which will he drink?"

"Water!"

"Correct! And why is that?"

"Because he's a jackass!"

Son: Mom, is it correct to say you're going to water the horse?

Mom: Yes, son.

Son: alright, well I'm going to go bone the dog.

I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

I blocked a girl for correcting my grammar

It feelded good

My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing.

(Edit: Title correction- My friend staggered into my house, sat down and started sobbing)

He said "Everyone keeps making fun of me. They say I'm fat, careless and that I don't think of anyone besides for myself! My landlord is so annoyed at my absent-mindedness, he's threatening to evict me! ...

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

I tried to draw a circle, after doing all my calculations, it would never be correct...

Turns out, it was a rounding error

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