All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".


Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and d...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

I tried to attach a trailer to my truck without the proper equipment.

It went off without a hitch.

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?

A booffalo.

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

If you don't pave the roads properly...

It's your own asphalt...

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Proper Grammar, Guys

Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

Why can’t we get a smartphone that can properly autocorrect in/on?

It’s really starting to get in my nerves.

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

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One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
...

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"

After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" aga...

You know it’s really difficult to find a proper steak pun

It really is a Rare Medium Well done

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What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner?

A T-Rection

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

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A Texan visits Harvard ...

He meets a student and asks, "Say there, do you know where the bathroom's at?" The student replies, "Sir, here at Harvard we speak properly, and certainly don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan replies, "OK, where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

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A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

It's proper manners to knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just incase there's a salad dressing

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

A husband had grown tired of his marriage but couldn't think of a proper way to tell his wife.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people....

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A 70 year old, an 80 year old and a 90 year old are sitting in a bar.

None of them have aged too well, so each are taking it upon themselves to explain the effects old age is having on them. The 70 year old says “Man, nothing works proper anymore. I swear, when I get up in the morning, it takes a good half hour to take a shit. And that’s on a good day - sometimes ther...

I just thought of this now and I don’t have time to fix it into a proper joke but... What’s the easiest way for a person with type 1 diabetes to lose it?

Eat enough to get type 2

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Proper parsing

Is "buttcheeks" one word, or should I spread them apart?

Peeping Tom decided to spend more time at home . . .

He was trying to maintain a proper lurk/wife balance.

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

I said to my wife the other day: "Why are the broken condoms on the sofa again?"

She said "I wish you'd start calling our children by their proper names"

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership?

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

My wife left me this morning...

My wife left me this morning. She said that I never communicate with her properly or let her know how I feel about things.

I didn’t know what to say.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

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The Farmer and the Rooster LONG

A farmer has over 100 hens on his land, but not one rooster. He sees an ad in the local paper for "Stud Rooster, $50. Guaranteed or your money back", so he sends in the money. Two days later the crate arrives, and inside is the scrawniest rooster the farmer has ever seen.

The rooster looks...

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

A friend was having trouble with her oldschool mechanical typewriter.

She said 'It's great to have such a retro device, however it doesn't work properly'.

I asked 'What is wrong with it?'

She replied 'Well some of the keys get stuck and I have to move them back manually'

'Ah I think I have a solution'

'Please tell me'

'Well what you ...

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Let's see if I can properly translate this joke from Hindi: Dewan, a friend of mine was curses with a tiny pecker.

He was the cause of many disappointments in bed. One day he got fed up and asked us for help. Another friend of ours, Ahmad, recommend a guru who sat atop a mountain in the Himalayas. He said the climb would be difficult but the journey will be worth it.
Dewan without a second thought left for th...

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes Premature Inoculations.

It is not polite to call people White Trash

The proper label is white non-recyclables



Yeah ok it's not great but it's what I got

I asked a grocery store worker where I could find cakes, pastries and Twinkies and the like and he took me over to the right place, telling me this is the proper spot but then left me before I could find what I was looking for and I couldn't leave until I found it.

So, yes, I was stranded on a desserted aisle.

Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.

- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all.

Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel.

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

Eddie Murphy once said a good joke needs two things; proper timing and good execution.

That must be why all the Jeffery Epstein jokes are only half funny.

One of those jokes that give you a proper belly laugh

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...



so i pushed her over...

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Proper etiquette is important.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:

“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Mike raised his...

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

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Chris Hemsworth goes to a bar

He spots a nice looking lady and gets chatting to her, she happens to have dental braces which affects her speech only slightly.
He asks her “Could I buy you a drink?”
She replies “If you mutht”
They chat and drink into the early hours.
Chris then says “I have a room at the Radisson do...

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"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

What do you call a Mexican who asks properly for permission?

Meximay

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A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

A poor farmer's pig gave birth to octuplets

He grew very fond of them, but the piglets had voracious appetites, and love them though he may, the farmer simply couldn't afford to keep feeding them.
One day, another farmer came by, and when he noticed the piglets, he was startled. "Not much fat on that piglet, why, it's practically skin a...

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I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The proper way to call someone a bastard

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for fiv...

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Giving praise is important.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I hav...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"


The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

Why do communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

I feel I'm quite a cosmopolitan man, so I'm not phased if I have to buy sanitary products

But, apparently, they're not a 'proper' present

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So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer

He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"

The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."

The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself d...

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Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fi...

A young woman moves in next door to a married couple

One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty. She says to her husband, "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"

The husband doesn't say a word. Time and time aga...

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

How do you know a hat belongs to a little drummer boy?

It has a proper pom-pom, proper pom-pom, proper pom-pom...

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

Proper finger placement on a keyboard...

... is the difference between a doctor hacking off your appendage.... and a doctor jacking off your appendage.

Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East

Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq.

This joke about Covid circulating around Chinese web boards...

If someone walking ahead of you farts and you can can hear it, that means you're not practicing correct social distancing.

If you can smell it, that means you're not wearing your mask properly.

If you are wearing your mask properly and can still smell it, then congratulations, you don'...

Reposts are so annoying

Why can’t my neighbor just install his fence properly?

Math teachers don't know proper grammar

I asked one who or what is the most imaginary thing in his opinion.
He said "I is".

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.

It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

A Man walks into a doctor's Office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

Did you know there's a Specific type of tin used on buses that when not treated properly can give off toxins that'll leach into your skin giving some hallucinogenic side effects

TL;dr Bus tin makes me feel good

What should a bird nourish its chick with to ensure it's proper development?

Redbull

Why do melons always have proper weddings?

Because they can't elope

What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?

Gingerly.

What’s the proper plural of beer?





Sixpack.

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

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My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day, so here's a long one: A mail carrier is being reassigned...

A mailman is being transferred to a new route, so he tells his customers it's his last week. On his last day, at one particular house, he rings the bell to deliver a package and a woman answers the door in a silk robe with a teddy underneath.
"I just want to thank you properly for your service...

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

Two pirates are talking.

Pirate 1: "Ya know, Cap'n be a real stickler fer proper grammar!"

Pirate 2: "What make ye say that?"

Pirate 1: "Every time I says 'The seas be rough,' he says, 'ARE!'"

Why couldn't the crocodile clone his plants?

Because he's not a proper gator

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

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A Day At The Beach

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a hat over his penis.. A woman walking by him stops and says, "If you were a proper gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

The man replies, "If you were a proper lady, the hat would lift by itself."

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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night.

An intelligent drunken Aussie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Kiwi clock...seriously?!...

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws?

It was ‘ello, Quint!

Why are some women afraid to use proper interpunctuation?

They don't want to have their periods.

New kid on the jobsite today asked what was the proper name for the tool we were using (plumb bob)

I told him "Plumb Robert".

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

What's the difference between...

What's the difference between the Government telling you to look at something; and an Australian.

One is propaganda

The other is a proper gander


(Use your internal Australian accent)

My favorite kind of joke is one that uses proper punctuation

Period

3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

A wife finds a bathtub on her kitchen table.

A wife comes home and finds her husband sitting next to a new bathtub on the kitchen table. Shocked, she asks him where it came from.

“Well,” he says. “I went out today to pick up some tiles for our bathroom. So, I walked around the store, looking for the perfect color, when I saw the perfec...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

My father's friend died in an car accident.

My father took me to his friend's funeral even though I didn't knew anyone of the people who attended that funeral. Few moments later a gentleman stood beside me and said,

Man- Hey kid, enjoy your life to your fullest and never give up in your life. These are the days which you'll remember y...

Proper Etiquettes

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to g...

What is the proper way to explore Italy?

You Rome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE...

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Proper old couple

A very proper old British couple had been seeing each other for some time and decided to get married. They began discussing the terms of their marriage, their home, their life together. It was the gentleman who first brought up the topic of sex.

"Well my dear, it seems to me we should broach...

Proper Etiquette

Q: Is it proper etiquette to eat chicken with the fingers?
A: No, the fingers should be eaten separately.

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

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