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Proper Jokes

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

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Proper etiquette is important.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:

“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Mike raised his...

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

Proper English

An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby.

"Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!"

The Englishman look...

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Proper old couple

A very proper old British couple had been seeing each other for some time and decided to get married. They began discussing the terms of their marriage, their home, their life together. It was the gentleman who first brought up the topic of sex.

"Well my dear, it seems to me we should broach...

How do you properly milk a flock of sheep?

Tell them the election was stolen, then ask for money.

What's the proper definition of a Freudian slip?

It's where you say one thing but you mean your mother.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

I have a talent for noticing insults resulting from a failure to show someone proper respect or attention.

I'm a slightseer.

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The proper way to call someone a bastard

Fred was about to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer (George) approached and asked if he could join him. Fred said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

George said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for fiv...

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

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Proper use of capital letters

It's the difference between helping grandpa jack off a horse and helping grandpa Jack off a horse.

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Proper capitalization DOES matter, my teacher used to say...

...because there is a huge difference between "Helping uncle Jack off a horse." and "helping uncle jack off a horse"

What’s the proper definition of the word ‘propaganda’ ?

When an Australian person takes a good look at something.

Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to ...

Since I keep seeing jokes like this, here's a proper Aussie one.

Why is a wombat like a man on a one night stand?

A wombat eats roots, shoots and leaves.

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

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Proper parsing

Is "buttcheeks" one word, or should I spread them apart?

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

As a large man I've never been able to properly wash my back

So my wife bought me a loofah on a stick.

Now I can put all that behind me.

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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

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Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fi...

Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?

He had dysnecksia.

What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?

A booffalo.

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

When using the Queens toilet at Buckingham Palace, it's only ever proper manners.....

To do a curtsy flush

I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.

It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.

In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich?

You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.

Not properly prescripted

- Granny, have you seen my pills? They are oval shaped with the initials "LSD" engraved on 'em.

- F*ck them, darling! Can't you see there is a dragon in our kitchen?!

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Brushing your teeth properly is like good sex. Longer than 30 seconds, good stroke technique

and there shouldn’t be any blood afterwards.

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What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner?

A T-Rection

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

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Properly offensive mum jokes?

My friend and I had a habit of mum jokes duelling and putting standard 'yo mumma' to shame. All to the spirit of pushing the boundary. One point I came up with this:

'Your mum so loose, when you were born, it felt so good that she used you as a dildo and pushed you right back in.'

Anyo...

Did you know that Eggs Benedict is properly served on a vintage hubcap?

It's true! There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

If you don't pave the roads properly...

It's your own asphalt...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

What do you call instructions on how to fart properly?

A toot-orial...

What is the proper way to explore Italy?

You Rome.

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

You know it’s really difficult to find a proper steak pun

It really is a Rare Medium Well done

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

What’s the proper plural of beer?





Sixpack.

I tried to attach a trailer to my truck without the proper equipment.

It went off without a hitch.

When everyone on a train in Germany takes their masks off and suddenly the internet works properly, how does that work?

The train crossed the border to Denmark.

It's proper manners to knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just incase there's a salad dressing

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

Why do melons always have proper weddings?

Because they can't elope

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

I’ve never owned a proper scientific telescope.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

I don't understand why it's important that everyone wears facemasks the proper way.

Those who don't cover their noses are mouth-breathers anyways.

An overconfident MMA fighter entered the cage without proper warmup and had not trained for months. Subsequently he incurred a severe injury for which the doctor advised to not enter the ring ever again. Thus it is appropriately said...

A grapple a day keeps the doctor away

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

Proper diaper fitting

If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

Why are some women afraid to use proper interpunctuation?

They don't want to have their periods.

What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?

Gingerly.

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes Premature Inoculations.

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Proper Manners

There was an all male class being held and the teacher decided to pose a question on proper manners. The teacher asks his class, "If you are on a date with a woman at a nice restaurant and you wish to pee in the bathroom, how do you properly excuse yourself?"

The first student raises his hand...

Jeffery Epstien's lawyer gave a whole new meaning to proper wording

From now on, you not say to "Hang on there" when talking to your client

Why can’t we get a smartphone that can properly autocorrect in/on?

It’s really starting to get in my nerves.

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

The proper way to manage marijuana stocks.

Buy high sell higher.

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Proper grammar is the difference...

... between knowing your shit and not knowing you're shit.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

My favorite kind of joke is one that uses proper punctuation

Period

America was not shut down properly.

Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

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Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

When trump was asked if he had handled the pandemic properly, he said

I’m positive

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

Eddie Murphy once said a good joke needs two things; proper timing and good execution.

That must be why all the Jeffery Epstein jokes are only half funny.

What should a bird nourish its chick with to ensure it's proper development?

Redbull

People will get really angry if you don't refer to their proper job title.

My son's hairdresser didn't like being called a child groomer.

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Tonight I decided I'd have a proper Irish seven-course meal...

So I had a six-pack of Guinness and a potato.

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

A husband had grown tired of his marriage but couldn't think of a proper way to tell his wife.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people....

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

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What's the proper name for a continually chafed asshole?

"Mr. President."

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing

I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":

- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- ...

A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.

The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

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I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

I get why a lot of people don’t properly wear masks over their noses

It’s because they’re mouth breathers

I recently learned how to store jam properly.

I must say, it was a rather jarring event.

Properly relocating a cavewoman

Q: Why did the caveman drag his cavewoman around by the hair?
A: Because if he dragged her around by the feet she would fill up with dirt.

What will people say when they are able to handle pandemics properly in the future?

Hindsight is 2020.

Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws?

It was ‘ello, Quint!

What's the difference between a proper punchline and an improper one?

Hotdogs

Most people don't clean their teeth properly

They just brush past them

A Young Man goes home after his first "Proper" Physical

He comes home to find his dad, sitting in the living room, reading a newspaper. Having a desire to talk about what had occurred to him, the young man starts a conversation with his father. "Hi Dad."

The father barely looks up and says, "Hello Son, how was your first prostate exam?"

Th...

Women never listen properly

Wife: I lost my keys

Man: Its in your jeans

Wife: Dont drag my family into this.

How to properly propose to a stoner

Marriage-you-wanna?

All this time I've been looking forward to when I can get a proper haircut again, and thinking I'll shave off this lockdown beard of mine.

But over the past year, it's gradually grown on me.

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We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently,

and my girlfriend said, "I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch to people have sex?"

I said, "Two? People?"

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