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Authentic Jokes

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

Authenticity for lonely people

So I broke down and called a hooker who advertised "real girlfriend experience". She came in without knocking, told me I was a slob, nagged me to take out the garbage, said I was a loser with no future and criticized me for playing video games for hours. Accused me of cheating on her, ate all my foo...

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How to tell if a Japanese restaurant is authentic?

The menu will be written in Times New Ramen

My wife says that she wants some authentic teacups for her birthday

I still don’t know why she’s horrified, I’m guessing she didn’t expect them to be so big.

Horrible and funny, Funeral Home AS - Poland, authentic joke from their webpage

We are sorry that we did not speak, we are helping in Kiev to prepare 150,000 beds for Russian soldiers. Funeral Home AS, Bytom - Poland

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

People complain that Taco Bell isn’t authentic.

But it gets the job done for half the price of other restaurants and nothing is more Mexican than that.

a man takes his 7-year-old daughter to visit a castle...

while they are visiting the castle, they come accross some stairs that lead to another floor. since the castle is filled of history and authenticity, the man, amazed by the castle, tells his daughter: "can you believe that a long time ago, the king, ministers and other important people used to take ...

I'm selling an authentic French rifle..

It was never fired and only dropped once.

What’s the difference between Home Depot and Taco Bell ?

You won’t find authentic Mexican at Taco Bell.

Rooting for the Dallas Cowboys is the most authentic fan experience in sports.

Just like them, you too can watch the playoffs from the comfort of your couch at home.

What do you call the authentication information used to enter the Danger Zone?

Kenny Log-ins

My friend took me to an authentic Chinese restaurant and when we arrived there was a pen of dogs to choose from in the entry.

That's not what I meant when I said you can pick the Spot.

What are the first 3 words in every authentic Mexican recipe?

Steal a chicken

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I found this place online that sells authentic moon rocks.

The rocks themselves are really cheap, but the shipping is a bitch.

I went to an Italian restaurant that claimed to be super authentic. But they weren't.

It was just a bunch of Impastas

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Yesterday, I got one of those extremely authentic, hyper-realistic sex dolls- and she’s so life-like it’s almost eerie!

For instance, as soon as I got her home last night she told me we should just be friends...

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

A joke my girlfriend told me

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance

"See that over there? What is that?" Says the first crow

The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it"

"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a...

My girlfriend was setting up two factor authentication and it asked for her favorite mobile device.

Apparently "Hitachi wand" isn't a good choice.

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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

I heard on the radio that protestors in Beijing are demanding authentic democratic reforms.

Unfortunately, all they can get is cheap Chinese knockoffs.

It's the 1920s. A German tourist while walking around in New York city's Chinatown, notices a restaurant named "Hans Baumhauer's authentic chop suey"...

He gets curious, and wants to find out more about this German man who has set up a restaurant in the heart of china town.
He asks a very old Chinese man squatting in front of the restaurant, "Do you know this Hans Baumhauer who owns this restaurant?"
"Yes", says the old man, "I am Hans Baumhau...

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfec...

A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator...

...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.

How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy.

Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.



They set themselves up on the edge of a clear...

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

I get so lonely on the weekends....

that I log into all my online accounts so my phone text tone goes off with authentication codes that I can pretend are my friends texting me.

Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!

They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.

Nearly Every Joke on r/jokes right now is like when Donald Trump gets his haircut.

The barber says " Nothing Authentic "

What did the customer say about Panda Express's Internet Security?

It had nice Authentic Asian.

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A man goes to his barber to get a haircut.

As the barber is cutting his hair they start to chat a bit.

The man says “It’s me and my wives anniversary soon. We’re planning a trip to Rome as we've always wanted to go to Italy and really experience some authentic Italian food!”

“Ahh, don’t bother” says the barber. “The whole city ...

A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".



"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was his favorite,...

A man walked into a Star Wars museum

...carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge.

"What can I help you with today, sir?" asked the confused curator.

"This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago."

"But," stutte...

[long] A tourist goes to see the bullfight in Spain

After the matador disposed of the bull and the fight was over, he started to feel quite peckish. He spied a restaurant with a sign "BULLFIGHT SPECIAL" he was seated, and asked his waiter about the special and if it was an authentic Spanish dish or for tourists, to which the waiter responded, it's am...

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:

"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so y...

A one-legged man walks into a tech-support store...

...and tells the man "I can't get past this 2-step authentication!"

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

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Spanish delicacy

So this guy goes on a trip to Spain. One day he decides to go to a very traditional Spanish restaurant, right next to the bull fight ring, for some authentic Spanish food. He sees a man eating a long sausage, and asks the waiter to bring him what that man is eating.

Senor, the waiter says, th...

Tourist mementos.

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all ...

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

So a German father steps into a butcher shop

to provide food for his kid's 18th birthday party. They exchange pleasantries and the father asks for authentic german meats food for his son's party.

"That would be about ten euros per guest for a lavish traditional meal," the butcher says. The father, who is celebrating not only his son's c...

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A gorilla that swung too far

A zoo was barely making ends meet. The head zookeeper was keeping things together, but it was a struggle. Instead of a pride of lions, they had one lone lion. Instead of a band of gorillas, just two. The rest of the zoo animals were just as sparse.

One day during a thunder and lightning storm...

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The Mexican Restaurant.

I was working in South Texas on the border, and my coworker and I decided to drive in to Mexico to watch an authentic bullfight. It was in a small, semi-pro ring. We watched amateurs and semi pro matadors fighting, and actually killing, the bulls. It was brutally fascinating. The final fight was...

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