Congrats to the National Gallery on receiving a substantial donation of French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork.

Which is to say ... they're getting Monet for nothing and the Czechs for free.

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Quiz Show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed ...

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

A knight is on a quest. It will be a dark and stormy night...

He sees a monastery and asks for shelter for the night. The monks invite him in. One of them tells him "You are in luck. This is Friday, our fish and chips day. We have the best fish and chips in the realm."

The knight finds that they were right. This was the best fish and chips he has...

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Did you hear about the ranger?

Once, there was a ranger who took care of the local parkland. Everybody liked the guy, and he was dedicated to his job - stopping people from shooting the deer in the park, maintaining fences and gates, that kind of thing. He was really good at it, too. During the time the ranger served there, no an...

The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...

Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A subs...

The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.


The farmhand was ...

A frog goes into a bank. . .

. . . and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whak.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whak, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$...

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A guy walks into a jazz bar with an octopus on his shoulder.

He orders a couple of beers, and after a few moments the bartender, head cocked, says, "Buddy, I don't mean to be coarse, but what's with the octopus?"

"This octopus?" the guy begins, thumbing at his octopodine companion, "Oh this guy is a musical virtuoso. He'd play any instrument you have h...

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An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....

Smiling, happy, the engineer says, "Bartender, shots for everyone!"

The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"

The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"

The bartender deploys the drinks to e...

An Arab sheikh is dying

... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. T...

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Two drug peddlers are arrested and produced in court..

Judge promises them reduced sentences if they can do some substantial community work in one week. After a week, they again appear before the judge.

Judge: Tell me young men. what have u done in last one week for the society ?

Criminal 1: I convinced 20 hardcore addicts to give up drugs...

A man wins the lottery...

A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"

"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.

The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"

A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

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How many Reddit mods does it take to change a lightbulb?

A substantial amount, you fucking morons.

Budgeting costs

The Italian government was getting ready to invest in a new software that would help them become more efficient. Three companies put bids forth and they turned out to be from different countries: China, Germany and Russia.

The Chinese bid was $1 million, which was quite cheap. The German bid ...

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A blonde in her early 50's hears that bathing in milk once a week will tone skin, and remove wrinkles...

She decides to try this wrinkle remedy, so she leaves a sign on her front door for the Milkman to leave her 27 gallons of milk.

The Milkman comes along and sees her sign. He thinks that she must have made a mistake, as 27 gallons is a substantial amount of milk, so he knocks on her door and s...

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The sex shop

A woman shyly goes into a sex shop. She tells the man there that she's interested in buying a dildo but has no experience with these things.
"Well how about *this* one?" he asks. "It's gentle, not too big, and very popular with beginners."
"How much is it?"
"$50."
The woman buys...

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Ten Thoughts

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a...

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