UPJOKE

Really Bad Jokes

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

My wife kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry...

I’ll return.

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

Women are really bad at parking

because we're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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This afternoon at work I had to go to toilet really bad...

...but all the stalls were occupied, so I ran upstairs to that bathroom but they were all occupied, too. I ran back down to my floor, then the floor below -- all occupied.

My co-workers are all full of shit today.

did y’all know that gyros are actually really bad for you?

yeah they’re made in greece!

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Funeral director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage."

Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."

Everybody is trying to make Harambe jokes, and they are all really bad...

But I'm going to take a shot at it.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I feel really bad for Jussie Smollett

I really just hope he doesn't beat himself up too badly.

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Women must be really bad at sex

IDs usually give them an F for it.

Did'ya hear about the BBQ pitmaster who got a really bad massage?

It was all his fault though, he asked for a "Dry Rub."

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When you have diarrhea and feel really REALLY bad , just remember this

Some people are going through some harder shit than you.

I got really bad insomnia and didn't know what to do

A friend told me he gets a massage from his wife and he's asleep in minutes. I tried the same and it worked; his wife does give great massages.

Jesus was really bad at threatening people...

He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.

I had really bad acid reflux

So I went to the doctor and it was not a big deal but they were able to find early onset cancer. Thank GERD they were able to catch it before it got much worse!

What is the capital of Finland if it smelled really bad?

Helstinky

Really bad puns.

It’s how eye roll.

I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, "No whey, José."

So an IT guy is really bad at his job and decides to quit and start a Nu Metal band.

It was named: System Always Down

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A REALLY BAD JOKE

My uncle : Man I just found out my son is gay

Me : Man that blows LOL...Haha.. geddit?..blowjob??

My uncle : not really we prefer anal

Me : what?!

Gay uncle : what?

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What do you call a German dictator with a really bad case of diarrhea?

Shitler.

Jesus must have had really bad internet

his revival lagged for 3 days

What's the difference between a really bad golfer and a really bad skydiver?

The golfer goes: wack, darn. The skydiver goes: darn, wack.

The New York Jets are really bad at football

No offense

I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms..

Turns out i was using a snow globe...

Ok, here's a really bad one

This one I've herd visiting Kiev before the shutdown:

The guy walks in a brothel and asks a hostess:
- Hi, I need a girl
- Ok, it's 50$ for 1 hour
- I don't have that much, do you have anything for 10$?
- Yes, let's go outside

They go around the brothel, a hostess places a ...

“What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?”

“A hop-eration”

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!

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Im really bad at supporting my friends

My buddy came to me today and said "some guy said I stink today"

I said "Like shit you do!"

The chicken I had was really bad.

You could say it was because it had a fowl taste.

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

Apparently in China there is really bad weather right now

Some are even calling it a Blizzard

I have done some really bad things for money

Like waking up early for work.

I'm a greedy farmer who gets really bad headaches

They're my grains

A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and I have really bad news."

The patient says "Give me the really bad news first."

The doc responds, "Unfortunately, you have stage 4 cancer, and you'll be dead within a month."

The patient shakes his head, trying to take it all in. "Ok..." he says, "what's the bad news?"

"The bad news," the doctor continu...

I felt really bad after sleeping with my third cousin

So I stop counting.

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I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath.

With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.

Did you hear Adele got a really bad sunburn?

She details the experience in her new song, "Aloe From the Other Side"

Did you know people who live in Villas are really bad people?

Kids: Huh?

Me: What you call people who live in America?

Kids: Americans

Me: In India?

Kids: Indians

Me: Villa?

Kids: <Groan> <Eye Roll> Daaaaaad !

I have a muslim friend who's a really bad comedian

You could say that all of his jokes bombed

I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad for the homeless guys dog.....

...... because he must be thinking, "Man, This is the longest walk ever."

I have really bad memory

I'm never buying computer parts from Walmart again

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I once went out with a girl who had really bad eczema on her chest...

She had a cracking pair of tits.

A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news, and really bad news. The patient says, "Ok, what's the bad news?" The doctor says "You only have 24 hours to live." The patient responds "Oh my God that's awful! What's the really bad news?"

"I forgot to tell you yesterday."

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

What is the other name for a really bad party bus?

A porta party

Doctor to Old man "I've got bad news and really bad news"...

Old man-"Whats the really bad news?"

Dr- "You have cancer"

Old man- "oh damn, so... what's the bad news?"

Doc- you have Alzheimer's"

Old man....."well, at least I don't have cancer!"

I’m really bad at saying no to people, especially beautiful women.

Which is ironic because they’re really good at saying no to me.

I've got really bad insomnia.

It's been keeping me asleep all night.

I met a really bad electrician at the bar last night...

At first there were some sparks, but he ended up saying some pretty nasty things to me and I left shocked.

I have a really bad habit of screaming at the top of my lungs during my rectal exam.

It makes my patients really nervous.

I hate when i have too use the toilet really bad and i have to use the public toilets.

Like i don't want a reminder that i seriously need to clean my house.

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.

That was the last time we played monopoly.

What happens when there are really bad sand storms on Naboo?

Jar Jar blinks

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I was always really bad with numbers

But I think my 34 inch dick makes up for it.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," say...

I feel really bad for the stars sometimes.

They all have such a low rating.

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Bad News and REALLY Bad News

Guy goes to the doctor because things don't feel right. The doctor does test after test, then re-tests and consults a colleague who agrees with the diagnosis.

He calls the patient in and says, "I'm really sorry, but all I can offer is bad news and really bad news. What would you like first?...

Im really bad at culinary terms,

Char, sear, flambe, caramelise, scorch.

It's all Greek to me.

I used to be really into the hokey pokey, it was really bad

but then I turned my life around.

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A really bad joke a friend told me (sorry in advance)

A state trooper is driving on a highway. Suddenly, as he drives behind a civilian car, the car starts increasing its speed. The trooper starts to follow the car, suspecting something is up. The car keeps increasing the speed, going up to almost 140mph. After about 10 min chase the driver finally giv...

I just got out of a really bad relationship with a communist.

But I should have seen the red flags.

TIL I'm really bad at building fences.

Wait, does this post belong here?

So my friend told me I had a really bad sense of direction the other day

I hate to admit it, but he was left

My brother has kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad....

He take something for it.

How do you tell someone that they give really bad head?

"You really suck?"

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Q: What's red and really bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.

Why are prisoners incarcerated for life really bad at writing?

They're doomed to never finish their sentences.

The start of a really bad day.

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

...and that's how the fight started.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

What do you say after telling a really bad eye joke?

Corny uh?

My friends say i'm really bad at bullseye.

Guess im just missing the point of the game

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Back in high school, I was really bad in science. (OC)

I even failed sexual chemistry.

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

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I got really badly sunburnt yesterday so i took some viagra...

...it didnt help the sunburn any but it kept the sheets off me.

How can you tell when you have really bad acne?

When blind people start trying to read your face.

High quality ads can be really bad for you.

They can cause ADHD.

I've had a really bad day.

First, my wife got ran over by a bus.

Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.

The economy is doing really bad...

Its so bad that when Bill and Hillary Clinton travel, they have to share a room.

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My friend was having a really bad stomachache so he hit his belly with a shoe

It really kicked the shit out of him

Yet another really bad joke

A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

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My cock-eyed professor had a really bad day today.

His pupils got way out of line.

It made him so angry that he couldn't see straight.

Dwayne Johnson's mom was going through a really bad time in her life after she spanked her son

She had just hit rock bottom.

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