UPJOKE
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I was drinking with my buddy and told him “My wife and I had a fight last night. She went historical on me.”

Buddy: Did you mean ‘hysterical’?

Me: No. She went historical. She brought up all my past mistakes.

Which historical period has the tidiest shirts?

The Iron Age

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, She invented the starting pistol.

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,

but very few people know about his sister,

Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

Historical Context on How to Pronounce the Sauce

Since we are talking about how to pronounce the sauce. I though I would give some historical context I was talk when I was younger.

In the 19th Century, 2 men in England created a new sauce. It was savory, and went well with potatoes and meats. The 2 men didn't know what to call this sauce, s...

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

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A historical (?) meme for you

After the American Revolution, an American patriot, Ethan Allen, is invited to the house of an English lord for dinner while on a diplomatic trip to England. After dinner, he asks for someone to direct him to the bathroom. He goes in and on the wall of the bathroom there is a portrait of George Wash...

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

If you’re gathering with family & friends today, there’s an opportunity for recreating an historically accurate tradition.

The trading of disease ridden blankets.

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

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A guy suddenly let out a big fart nearby a 4th grade class road trip to a historical war landmark

A young kid who happened to hear it got close to the guy and asked him "Sir, what was that?"

The guy, sweating nervously tried to invent a lie "Errrr, see kid... that was... the cannon of the historical park nearby, that was, er... announcing that it's five o' clock, yeah!"

There was a...

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

TIL: Historically, eunuchs have been really wealthy and politically powerful.

It’s part of their compensation package.

What important historical fact can one learn from Mount Rushmore?

The best American Presidents were stoned.

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Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

Obscure historical joke... Mithridates VI walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "So, what's your poison?"

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

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If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote

Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

Historical wife

Two men are at the pub and it's 2 AM. One of them says it'd be in his best interest if he would leave now. "When I stay away for too long, my wife gets historical."

The other man replies: "That's not a bad idea actually. I can tell you've had enough beer. You're looking for the word 'hysteric...

Which historical invention was the most revolutionary?

The wheel :)

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, “In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun?” The German replied, “In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world.” “Pah!”, the French man s...

I was talking to my Irish mate about Brad Pitt's films, but I could not remember the name of that historical Greek film he was in.....

"Troy." he said, suddenly.

"I am." I replied. "Give me a minute"

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

I'll be Bach.

Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

I once watched an old epic-historical romance film about a couple, but I can't find it...

I guess it's gone with the wind...

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

Historically as a big corporation the best investment we've made is in our people.

Unfortunately we lost alot of money when this investment was outlawed.

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The wife asked me if I thought she could be a model..

"There's no fucking chance you fat bastard." I laughed.

"Fuck off." She sobbed. "I'll have you know I've got a try-out for a modelling job this afternoon." She then grabbed her coat and stormed out.

A few hours later, she came home. "Well fuck you." She said proudly. "You're now lookin...

I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl

After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.

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A Teacher is talking to her class about Prostitutions rights in Nevada

She explains that Nevada has several brothels that have been in operation since the frontier days, and so legislature has been written to allow them to practice prostitution.

She then goes on to explain that, with the exception of Las Vegas, Nevada is mainly comprised of silver mining towns, ...

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Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

A visitor enters a mental asylum...

And sees three patients sitting at a table laughing uncontrollably as they chat amongst one another.


Patient 1: Sixteen!


\*They all laugh laugh historically\*


Patient 2: Five!


\*They all bursts out laughing\*


Visitor: Excuse me doctor,...

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