The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher,

however no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

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A guy suddenly let out a big fart nearby a 4th grade class road trip to a historical war landmark

A young kid who happened to hear it got close to the guy and asked him "Sir, what was that?"

The guy, sweating nervously tried to invent a lie "Errrr, see kid... that was... the cannon of the historical park nearby, that was, er... announcing that it's five o' clock, yeah!"

There was a...

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi"

"Why him?"

"More food for me"

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

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Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

Obscure historical joke... Mithridates VI walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "So, what's your poison?"

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl

After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.

What important historical fact can one learn from Mount Rushmore?

The best American Presidents were stoned.

Workers from a small russian community recently gathered together to fix one of the bells in an old historical bell tower.

Because in soviet russia, bell saved by you!

A man traveling in train meets scientist from NASA, ISRO, and CNSA.

After talking to them for a while, finding them willing to answer, being critical of investment in space, he asks NASA "why do you need billions of dollars for?
NASA replies "For the Benefit of All, our technologies trickle down to the military and civilians and then to the world".
He discus...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

A visitor enters a mental asylum...

And sees three patients sitting at a table laughing uncontrollably as they chat amongst one another.


Patient 1: Sixteen!


\*They all laugh laugh historically\*


Patient 2: Five!


\*They all bursts out laughing\*


Visitor: Excuse me doctor,...

The three most arguably important historical revolutions:

The Russian, the French, and dance dance

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Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

Historical wife

Two men are at the pub and it's 2 AM. One of them says it'd be in his best interest if he would leave now. "When I stay away for too long, my wife gets historical."

The other man replies: "That's not a bad idea actually. I can tell you've had enough beer. You're looking for the word 'hysteric...

My Thanksgiving dinners are historically accurate

I invite myself into a stranger's house for dinner, eat all his food and then tell him I live there.

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

The Bayeux Tapestry is not strictly accurate historically.

The whole story has been embroidered. Typically, by the winners. Some say it was a stitch-up!

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

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Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

An American, A Frenchman, And an African excavate historical relics 300 years from now

The three men are assigned to find anything historic, and report what they found after their excavation.

The American starts digging up, and in 7 days, he finds an iPhone.

"Our country must have invented the first smartphones." He concludes.

The Frenchman starts digging up, a...

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If you had to describe your sex life with a famous historical quote

Mine would be 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' - Bill Clinton

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

Which historical invention was the most revolutionary?

The wheel :)

Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

I was talking to my Irish mate about Brad Pitt's films, but I could not remember the name of that historical Greek film he was in.....

"Troy." he said, suddenly.

"I am." I replied. "Give me a minute"

What was Arnold Schwarzenegger's answer when asked which historical person he would like to play in a movie?

I'll be Bach.

From my father-in-law. "Did you know the Polacks started WWII?"

"Yeah, they threw a grenade at the Germans, and the Germans pulled the pin and threw it back."

His joke not mine. I apologize to my polish friends if this offends you, and yes I'm aware his joke could better or more historically accurate.

I've always wondered about the inspiration for the band name Jefferson Airplane

but I think we all know it's a historical reference by now.

a man stabbed his salad 23 times.

he said it was a historical reenactment

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Heaven Rides

*Note: I heard this joke from my dad who heard it from his grandmother, so if this isn't as good as it should be sorry.

3 guy friends (no homo) die and go to heaven, where together they are asked questions by St. Peter. After passing all questions,
St. Peter asks, "so far you have done we...

I have a friend who lives just outside of Chernobyl in Ukraine who watched the new Chernobyl TV show

He counted 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand

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The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

Culinary History

A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.


"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.

"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"...

What do you call an old joke that still really funny?

Historical

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An art student is visiting the National Gallery in Wales.

About halfway around, they spot a large painting of three black men sitting on a bench, all three buck naked. Even more strangely, the one in the middle has an entirely pink penis.

A curator sees the art student observing the painting and approaches.

“Fascinating, isn’t it?” He says. ...

I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again

Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.

A Jewish man has a son...

...and he is very disappointed in his son's lack of interest in their faith. So he decides to send his son to Israel to learn a thing or two about Judaism.

When the son returns, the father asks "did you have a good trip?"

"So great, Dad. I learned so much, saw some great historical la...

Statue of Pushkin

Meeting of Cultural commission of Supreme Soviet of USSR, 1950. Consensus on commissioning of giant statue of Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin, russian poet.

1st possibility - Pushkin sitting in chair, reading a book of Generalissimus Stalin. - historically impossible, denied.

2nd possibi...

A minister is vacationing through the Holy Land

And is taking a historical trip to all of the sights associated with Jesus. Finally, he reaches the Sea of Galilee, where he is planning on taking a ferry boat across the water. Once he gets up to the ticket counter, however, he is shocked to learn the outrageous price of a ticket, and has to unfort...

Hollywood Halloween

Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone were discussing their next Halloween costumes. They wanted to get away from the typical scary characters and do something different.

Bruce: 'how about historical figures? I'll go as Freud.'

Sly: 'ok, sounds good. I'll go as Leonardo Da Vinci.'
...

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The Emperor's New Samurai

(Please excuse any historical inaccuracies) The Emperor's chief samurai had been recently slain in battle, leaving the Emperor in desperate need of a new chief to lead his men into battle.

The Emperor proclaims that any samurai who seeks audience with him will be granted 10 seconds to prove ...

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