UPJOKE
factrealityessencetruearistotleaccuracyauthenticityactualityaccurateold englishthoughtgenuinereasontrulyreally

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

I forget the name of it, but my favourite TV show is that one where you’ve got to try and guess which one is lying and which one is telling the truth. Presented by that Welsh guy.

What’s it called again?

Oh yeah, The News.

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

Braking The Truth To Your Child

Son: [Sobbing] Mum, Dad Just told me Father Christmas isn't real, is that true??

Me: Well, I suppose you're old enough now for me to tell you this...he's not your real dad.

Son: [Sobbing intensifies]

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

The truth about job promotions

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, congratulations on the job promotion!" the bartender says. "Thanks. But you know, success in life is kind of like being pregnant," the guy replies. "Everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were screwed."

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happe...

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

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Why does the ashtray tell the truth everytime someone uses it to put out a cigar?

It likes big butts and it cannot lie

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends.

I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth."

"When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

What do you call a man who never tells the truth, and marries a queen?

The lyin’ king

What's the difference between a conspiracy theory and the truth?

Currently, about 6 months...

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

Me and my friends were playing Truth and Dare the other day

I choose Dare
They dared me to go home

No rooms available in the city

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager,

\- “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

\- “Well, I do have a double room wi...

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

The Sargent in Iraq was hearing troubling rumors about his men.

That evening he called them all out of their rooms and had them standing in a line.
"I been hearing some terrible things, men" he yelled.
"Apparently some of y'all have been going around with someone named Fatima!"
"I will not tolerate this kind of debauchery on my base, you hear me?!"
"...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

My dad used to tell me, "son, you gotta stand up and tell the truth", but instead I sat down and told a lie.

It wasn't that I didn't want to tell the truth, I just preferred de seat.

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There are three religious truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

Objection

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"Well, your honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

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If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

A man decided one day to go fishing on a lake located inside a protected national park...

When he gets satisfied with his catch, he decides to head home. So there he is, walking through the park, fishes swimming in his bucket when suddenly the park ranger appears in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" asks the ranger.

"Oh you know, just taking a nice walk in nature en...

An 80 year-old man went to the Doctor

He said, "Hey Doc, when I was 25 years old I couldn't push my erection down with both hands. When I was *50* years old I couldn't push my erection down with both hands. Now I'm 80," the old man said, "and I can push it down a little bit with both hands". He looked the Doctor straight in the eye and ...

Earl and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say,

“Earl, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Earl always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Earl and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Earl, I’m 85 years old and if I don’t ride that helicopter I might never get...

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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I call my penis 'The Truth'.

Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.

Science is truth

A scientist wants to do an experiment to see how far frogs can jump. So he gets a frog, sets it down and tells it to jump. He measures the distance and writes down, frog with 4 legs jumps 6 feet.

He cuts a leg off the frog and tells it to jump. He measures and writes, frog with 3 legs jump...

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The Truth is gay

It always comes out.

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

The real truth about vaccines

I got vaccinated as a kid. As a result, I'm now starting to gray and bald. My balding got so bad I had to shave my head. I've also gained weight. Because of vaccines I have started aging instead of dying as a baby.

A man goes to a fancy party in an old suit.

Everybody is staring at him, and frowning. Eventually his friend the host, tells him the truth.

She says “Adam, I got to be honest with you, nobody like the suit you are wearing and you smell terrible.”

He says “Susan I find that really cruel, my grandfather died and was buried in this...

What's a sentence that can never be truthfully written down?

"This pen isn't working"

I keep seeing clips from “An Inconvenient Truth” on my YouTube homepage...

Must just be the Al Gore-ithim

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] please don't tell him; he's never known the truth

**[me loudly as I jump off the diving board]** CABIN BALL!

Dying request

Rudy was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his stunning young wife and their three children, all boys. Two were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the third and youngest was short, homely, and extremely uncoordinated…
"Darling," the husband whispered to his wife, struggling to get the words ...

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

A zebra wonders throughout his life if he is a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes...

So after never getting an answer throughout his life, the zebra passes away and goes up to Heaven. At the pearly gates he meets Saint Peter and asks him if he knows the answer: "Saint Peter, am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" to which Saint Peter says he does...

In truth, the earth used to be flat...

Until they buried yo' mama.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

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[long] A bear and a rabbit...

<Prologue>


A bear is taking a shit in the woods one day when a rabbit comes by.

. The bear asks "hey rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?


" no" says the rabbit.

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit..


<rabbit wil...

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

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A German, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be thr next coming of Jesus

erman, a Belgian, and a Dutchman all claim to be Jesus, and decide to settle who is speaking the truth by proving their claim.

First the German tries to prove it by walking across the mighty German river, the Rhine. However he falls in and gets completely soaked, and admits he must not be the...

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

The truth

During the holiday, wife invited some friends to have dinner at home. Before the meal,

The wife turned to her 6-year-old daughter and asked, "Do you want to lead prayers before meals?"

The daughter said: "I don't know what to say."

The wife enlightened: "Just say what you heard ...

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

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The wheelie bin man

So the rubbish bin man is making his daily rounds and notices that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside.

He rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, the sound of a toilet flushing and some hurried steps towards the door.

The door opens and a Japanese gentleman step...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

On a weather forecast in Russia, a reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:

"They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth"

He calls the guy and asks

"What's the weather like where you are"

"It's around -20C I would say"

"I knew the news were lying, they said i...

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

Why did False invite truth to their wedding?

Because Truth is relative.

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

The other day I was playing 2 truths and a lie.

Well, technically I was testifying in a murder trial.

Little Johnny brought home his history test result, it was 90.

His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, Karen, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.

After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.

"Johnny, you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to yo...

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I finally have to face the truth: I have a fetish for religious iconography.

I guess this is my cum to Jesus moment.

The Truth About Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. Y...

A relevant anecdote from Brezhnev's time:

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Brezhnev, engrossed in reading a newspaper. At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him, "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!" Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty, look! If on...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Word of truth

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

The Soviet Potato Crop

The Agricultural managers always have to report the yearly crop numbers to the Chairman, and they always lie a little to make themselves look good. But one year the potato crop is very bad. The potatoes are small, and there aren't very many of them. But the managers tell the Chairman, "There are so...

Truth is...

Honesty is overrated.

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Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said

"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but ...

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, wit...

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, ...

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Never speak the truth.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started

Villain: ok we've injected you with truth serum

**Tony the Tiger:** they're kinda OK

**Voice-over guy:** just OK *is not OK*

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A boy an his grandfather ride a cab in Madrid.

They pass a road with lots of prostitutes waiting.

The boy asks his grandfather: "What are those women doing at the side of the road?"

"They wait for the bus" answers the grandfather.

"But Señor, we are in 21th century, tell your grandson the truth: those are prostitutes!", the ...

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

The sad truth

When you get your cake day at 2 am and can't post until and everyone after don believe you the sad truth

But anyways a friend asked me what i was reading and i said to him
Me: a anti gravity book and i think it's so intresting and impossible to put down
He didn't talk to me one week aft...

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The Bitter Truth!

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.


"You already know how to...

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

"Chun Li, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Where's Beth's dog?"

"Dare."

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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say...

The truth was that Rapunzel didn’t want a prince to save her

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull her hair

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