What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “...

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

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I finally have to face the truth: I have a fetish for religious iconography.

I guess this is my cum to Jesus moment.

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

We learned about oxymorons.

It was very fun, there were many examples.


freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

The truth

During the holiday, wife invited some friends to have dinner at home. Before the meal,

The wife turned to her 6-year-old daughter and asked, "Do you want to lead prayers before meals?"

The daughter said: "I don't know what to say."

The wife enlightened: "Just say what you heard ...

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

A couple finally has a boy after 7 girls...

A friend goes to the maternity ward to congratulate the happy parents:

“So, tell me- whose side of the family do you think he looks like?”

The parents look at each other and say-

“To tell you the truth, we haven’t even looked at his face yet.”

What's a sentence that can never be truthfully written down?

"This pen isn't working"

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

The other day I was playing 2 truths and a lie.

Well, technically I was testifying in a murder trial.

A couple had been married for 50 years. The man had a large cardboard box under the bed.

His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it. One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.

That night, she asked her husband what this was about.

"Well," he replied. "If y...

Truth is...

Honesty is overrated.

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Never speak the truth.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him.

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night ...

A man was pulled over by a police officer...

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.

Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

Realizing the officer was giving hi...

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he pas...

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A princess and her entourage are playing a truth-telling game.

She asks a knight if he has fathered any children. He looks down and says, “Alas, my Lady, I have not.”

The princess nods. “I believe it. You do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress. Your beard is a mere fuzz, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pi...

"Chun Li, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Where's Beth's dog?"

"Dare."

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went ...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

I got a ticket because I did 180 on the highway

Truth be told I was only going 15 but they don’t like U-Turns

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

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I call my penis 'The Truth'.

Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

The sad truth

When you get your cake day at 2 am and can't post until and everyone after don believe you the sad truth

But anyways a friend asked me what i was reading and i said to him
Me: a anti gravity book and i think it's so intresting and impossible to put down
He didn't talk to me one week aft...

The number 69

Some people think 69 is the perfect number, but the truth is that 9's tired of 6 coming first.

The Different Son

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our childre...

The magic carpet

Three girlfriends (a blonde, a brunette and a redhead) go to a carpet store that was advertising magic carpets for sale.

They enter the store and the salesperson greets then and informs them that only one magic carpet remain, all the flying ones were sold and the one remaining was a truth te...

I was asked at my last job interview if I was a natural born citizen?

I had to tell the truth: "Nope. Cesarean!

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The Bitter Truth!

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.


"You already know how to...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

One side thinks it will end up like Judge Dredd, while the other side things it will be Demolition Man...

But the truth is, we are The Expendables.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

There is some truth to the adage that money can't buy you love...

But it can buy a mansion, a yacht, a sports car, and a Bermudian island. After that, you're beating love off with a stick.

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

Word of truth

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Villain: ok we've injected you with truth serum

**Tony the Tiger:** they're kinda OK

**Voice-over guy:** just OK *is not OK*

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.

"Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "N...

I now know the truth behind my sleep paralysis demon...

...it was trying to protect me from the movie cats.

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

The truth flies straight like an arrow

Fruit flies like bananas

If Trump wins I will start drinking again

If Biden wins I will start drinking again

The truth is I'm going to celebrate the end of 2020

In truth, the earth used to be flat...

Until they buried yo' mama.

What do you get from a politician with dementia?

The truth

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Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said

"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but ...

There are three truths in religion:

1) Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.


3) Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

What do you call a kid that always tells the truth?

An honest mistake

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

The truth was that Rapunzel didn’t want a prince to save her

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull her hair

The truth is that its neither love nor money that makes the world go round

It’s F=G(m1m2)/r^2

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

Three friends die and go to heaven...

and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and ask...

Your Rabbi can start telling the truth tomorrow.

Today is the last day of July.

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?""Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly ...

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

Out of all Cat Species, there is only one that never tells the truth. Which one is it?

I don't know, but I know said Cat will always be Lion to you.

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

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Two nuns were walking to the market when a man jumped from the bushes and flashed at them and ran away!!!

"What shall we do now ?" Asked the first nun.

"We are sworn to neither lie nor hide the truth" said the second nun " we should report to Mother Superior that we had the misfortune of seeing a man's penis twice".

"Twice?" Exclaimed the first nun" we just saw it once".

"Aren't you...

People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,

I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”

Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “Do...

Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

You shouldn't fat shame people.

But to be truthful, they won't come running after you.

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Oldie but goodie

At Bob’s regular therapy session, the discussion move towards his dreams.

Bob mentions he keeps having a recurring dream that he is a tepee touring the Pow Wow circuit.

He is not of indigenous origin so his therapist is intrigued and wonders how this could be.

He asks Bob to ...

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My pet turtle Francois

When I was a kid, I had a pet turtle named Francois. He was just a red eared slider, but I thought he was the coolest thing ever.

One summer, I went to camp, and Francois died. My father was the worst at breaking bad news, so he said Francois was alive and well -- and living with my mother. ...

R/jokes

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no,"...

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The truth-talking dog

A man had built great wealth, touring the globe with a truth-talking dog.

A friendly local thought this was too good to be true and paid the $50 entry fee to see for himself.

As he entered, the dog started immediately:
“Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon”
“The square ro...

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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My sister invited a few friends over and they were playing Truth or Dare.

I listened from around the corner, being the nosy brother that I am. It was my sister's turn and she chose "Truth". I listened on intently.

One of her friends giggled and said, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?"

My sister thought for a few seconds and said, "It was a week ago....

The Truth About Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. Y...

The truth about diarrhea...

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs through your jeans.

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A man walks into a confession booth

Man: “I need to tell you something father, I slept with a gorgeous blonde last night. We are not married.”

- The priest can tell the man is holding back.

Priest: “is there anything else you would like to confess my son?”

Man: Ok father, I can’t hide it, I slept with two beautifu...

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Preaching the truth.

Guy talking to stranger: Bisexuality isn't hard to understand. Guys are cute girls are cute. What more do you want from me.

*stranger cocking gun* : Your wallet.

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a joke that i have been told by one of my friends(long)

im not a native speaker, but i will do my best

A woman has three daughters, 13, 14 and 15 years old

One day while she was cooking they come to the kitchen and say "mom can you give us a bit of money, we were studying all day" the mom says yes, and gives each one of them 20 dollars.
...

Guy: "Truth or Dare?"

Gir: "Truth!"

Guy: "What's your phone number?"

Girl: "Eh.. let's do dare"

Guy: "I dare you to give me your phone number."

Want to know the sad truth about Mozart?

Despite his fame, he died baroque and worthless.

Nobody can truthfully say they've been born in 2019

They just can't talk about it.

Credit: u/tupacisaliveinserbia

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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Judge: "Do you promise to speak the truth and only the truth?"

Defendant: "No."

Judge: "..."

Attorney: "(what the fuck do we do)"

I never forget the time when we were at the party, playing truth and dare and

someone dared me to go home

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