The 81+ Best Concrete Jokes

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

What do you call the place where concrete is buried?

A cementary.

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I've decided to surround my property with 4ft high concrete dildos.

My neighbour hates it, but his wife is on the fence.

I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.

That's a hard habit to break.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

*"Dam"*

How do you start a concrete race?

Ready...... set........

I got fired from my job finishing concrete

I can’t even

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Did you know people who put concrete in their ass get memory loss?

I dont remember where i read that though

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

Hey girl, are you a large concrete structure forming an artificial lake?

...because dam.

I painted my Jell-O to resemble concrete.

It's not as hard as it looks.

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

I left my job as a Concrete Worker.

It just seemed to get HARDER and HARDER.

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

Little Jimmy said to his big brother: "Look at this! On my juice box! It says it's made with 100% pure concrete!"

"No no no, Jimmy. Concentrate!"

"I am concentrating!"

What's the first thing a fish thinks of when it swims into a concrete wall?

Dam

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A priest decides to show some concrete examples about a sinful life during sunday mass.

He brings 4 closed jars. The first jar is filled with alcohol. The second one with cigarette smoke. The third one with sperm. The fourth one with clean water.

Inside each jar, there is an earthworm.

The priest starts talking about the examples of sinful life and shows each jar to the p...

Two fish swim into a concrete wall...

The one fish turns to the other and says,
"Dam."

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An elderly Man goes to the Doctor.

Man:"Doctor i need help, recebtly i got a new Girlfriend, 26 years old and im pretty much impotent can you help me?"

Doctor:"I have the right thing for you, please drop your pants."

The Man drops his Pants and the Doctor puts a syringe in his Penis, containing a blue liquid.

The...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day...

I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression.

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

When I die I want to be buried in wet concrete

So that over time the plot thickens

In light of recent political tensions, please refrain from wishing Putin falls into a vat of concrete.

That would set a very dangerous president.

Some minds are like concrete...

Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Got this out of a Georgia newspaper.

What is the difference between concrete and pavement?

Eh, it's a grey area!

What do you call a boxer who pours concrete floors as a day job?

Apollo Screed

I discovered a new way to cut rocks and concrete super fast and effortless

It was a ground breaking discovery.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...

You can't run but you can hide

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be buried in a concrete slab?

He was dead set

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f...

What do you add to water to make concrete?

About 400 feet.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

What did steel say to the concrete?

Don't take too much tension!

Why did the concrete fail at its job?

It couldn't take the shear stress

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A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.

The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there’s a layer of concrete that wasn’t there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.

“Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It ...

A US banker is invited to the Finance Minister of East Germany and sees large quantities of gold lying around in the courtyard of the ministry.

Astonished, the American says to his host:

"In my country, gold is a very precious commodity. It is kept in Fort Knox, surrounded by an almost insurmountable concrete wall, watchtowers, mines and barbed wire, and guarded by dogs and soldiers."

"You see," replies the minister of East ...

So the Pope dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his room.

It's a small room, unfurnished, walls of bricks, floor of concrete, with noisy neighbors and no elevator.

One day, as he's walking down the street, he sees someone riding down to his mansion in a fancy Cadillac with beautiful women...

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Door # 1, 2 or 3

He went to Hell and expected to be greeted by Satan himself, when an apprentice approached him, saying, "Welcome to Hell =] !!" When he asked about seeing the boss, was told in due time but now he would have to choose one of three doors/rooms where within to spend eternity...

He asked if he c...

My friend told me that he ate pavement.

I asked him if he has any concrete proof of this.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete.

He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the...

Canada really wanted that wall...

Instead of steel and concrete, they went with fire

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A man got sent down to Hell and the Devil offered him a tour of three rooms.

"You can take a peek inside each room, but when you choose one," the Devil said, "choose wisely, because you're going to spend the rest of eternity in there."

The man took a peek inside Door #1. Inside there was a nice field of grass, but there was also a crowd of people moaning in agony as t...

So you're a fan of Brutalist architecture?

Give me 3 concrete examples

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My son went over to check out a construction project at our neighbor's and it reminded me of this classic...

Little Johnny is bored and asks his dad for something to do.

"Go across the street to that construction site and talk to the workers. Maybe you'll learn something," his dad said.

Johnny was gone all day and finally comes home for dinner. During the meal, Johnny's dad asked, "you were a...

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...

Best jokes with one word punchlines!

Preferably short jokes. e.g. Two fish are swimming in a lake and one runs into a concrete wall. It turns to the other and says, "Dam."

The Genie

A man is working on a construction crew demolishing an old house.

Hidden inside a wall is an old oil lamp.
Thinking to himself, wouldn't it be interesting if there was a genie in this lamp.
Looking around to make sure none of his buddies are watching, least he make a fool of himself, h...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold.

A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began an Epic struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete sla...

An old Joke that used to make my friends laugh.

Disclaimer: I am using nationalities, but I mean no offense or disrespect.

3 men die and are sent to hell. American, Bhuddist monk and a russian. They meet the devil. The sevil says:

"I will allow you to leave and go to heaven, if you can endure 3 lashes from my whip without screaming...

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Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.

The first general calls up a private from his army and tells him: "Climb that building and leap down from the roof!". With a "Yes sir!", the soldier climbed the building, leapt off and crashed violently on the concrete floor. The second general called up a private from his army and orders him: "Put ...

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A man dies and ends up in hell.

Satan greets him and tells him ''I will show you three doors. You will go trhough one of them and stay there for eternity''

The man nods and Satan opens the first door. There, he sees thousands of people, standing on their heads on hard wood. The man says ''That looks highly unconfortable, sh...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

Each Man Gets One Wish...

Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau are walking along the path outside the Ottawa Parliament, when they come across a lantern in their path. Upon picking it up, a a cloud of smoke appears, and when it clears, to their amazement, there's a Genie!

The Genie says, "As there are three ...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

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A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He meets his new workmates and they head up to the roof to start work.
One of the workers picks up a pile of bricks and steps off the edge of the building falling 10 stories and landing safely at the bottom.
He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

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The incredible human machine

* It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

* One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

* The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's....

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

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