2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

What do you call the place where concrete is buried?

A cementary.

How do you start a concrete race?

Ready...... set........

How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

A fish swims and hits a concrete wall,

"Dam," yelled the fish.

What is the difference between concrete and pavement?

Eh, it's a grey area.

I discovered a new way to cut rocks and concrete super fast and effortless

It was a ground breaking discovery.

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

A man was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled across an old lamp.

As he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him a wish.

‘Let me see,’ said the guy. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared of flying and get seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can go there on vacation?’

The genie scratched his head. ‘A bridge f...

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be buried in a concrete slab?

He was dead set

Construction worker discharged after accusation of murder

There was no concrete evidence.

What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

What do you have when your mother-in-law has concrete up to her neck?

Not enough concrete

I left my job as a Concrete Worker.

It just seemed to get HARDER and HARDER.

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...

You can't run but you can hide

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

Hey girl, are you a large concrete structure forming an artificial lake?

...because dam.

When I die I want to be buried in wet concrete

So that over time the plot thickens

A hot blonde girl walks up to a guy at the bar . . .

she says "Hey there gorgeous what are you drinking?"

He said"This? This is magic beer"

What do you mean magic beer?

Have a look at this - he takes a large gulp, walks up to a concrete wall and punches a hole in it

That's amazing said the girl, what else can it do?
...

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

This is my 27th wedding anniversary, does anyone know the gift for that year?

Is it concrete or lead?

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Dam."

What do you add to water to make concrete?

About 400 feet.

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

What did steel say to the concrete?

Don't take too much tension!

I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day...

I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression.

An American, a Hindu, and a Russian land in Purgatory.

A grey-winged angel with a huge whip hanging from his belt meets them and says: "Alright, here's the rules. Anyone who takes three strikes from my whip without screaming, can go straight to Heaven. You can shield yourselves with whatever you like. We've got everything here. Who's first?" The America...

One day, a man decides to make a town.

He walked far and wide, across treacherous land and dangerous grounds, until he found a flat dessert, with rocks pock marking the ground. He decides to settle his town here, and built his first house with some trouble, due to the rocks. He chose to cover the ground with a layer of concrete so it wou...

What do you call a dirty puddle on a slab of cold concrete in dim, gloomy light?

A sunny day in Seattle.

My friend uses concrete and asphalt interchangeably

He says it's just a matter of cementics

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - The Little Girl and the Construction Site

A family moved into a house next door to an empty construction site. Later in the year, builders started construction.

The family's 8 year old daughter was utterly fascinated by the daily activities of the builders and sat on the fence after school each day and all day weekends, watching....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tricked my construction coworker at lunch by putting chunks of concrete in his sandwich.

He shit a brick after he found out.

Did you hear about the truck that spilt concrete across the road?

It wasn't cement to happen.

Why did the concrete fail at its job?

It couldn't take the shear stress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once in hell hes greeted by the devil. "While in hell you can choose one of three rooms to be tortured in for all of eternity. You may only choose once." They go to the first room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a hard wooden floor being whipped by demons. They go to the seco...

Is it safe to eat apples in Chernobyl?

Pretty much, yeah, only the apple cores should be buried in concrete afterwards.

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk

Don't have any concrete evidence though.

3 women are trapped on the top floor of a burning building.

The bottom floors are on fire, and the only way to escape is to jump out a window. Firefighters hold a blanket out to catch them.

The first woman jumps and the firefighters move to catch her, only for her to hit the concrete below. The second tells them not to move, and they move anyways, cau...

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls to check in with his wife...

...and his 5 year old son answers the phone.

The father says, "He son, is your mom there?"

Son says, "Ya daddy, she is in her room with Uncle Bill."

The father knows that there is no "Uncle Bill". He is thinking to himself that damn bitch, I can't believe she is doing this. ...

A man was murdered with a cinder block.

The evidence was concrete.

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a bat competition...

All the bats are in a tree, there's also an elder bat judging it. The quest: all participants must take as much blood as possible in the farm. Then, the first bat go in. Everyone wait for him, and after 2 minutes he arrives, and pour 5ml of blood in a cup. And then, the judge asks:

- Nice jo...

Another Genie Joke...if submitted before, sorry (being Canadian)...Long

A man was walking along a Californian beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still l...

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway...

suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

What do you call a steel stick that you can pull out of concrete?

Excalrebar!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my dad's favorites..

A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter greets him and stops him from entering. While this man was not a really bad man, neither was he particularly good and St. Peter sends him down to hell. When he gets there, he is greeted by the devil, who tells him that there are t...

A man went to a psychic who told him he will die that day.

The psychic warned the man: "It's blurry. But... I see flames. Avoid them! And rocks! Avoid them if you want to live! I'm sorry." The man left anxious and grim. As he walked home, there was an explosion and his apartment building quickly burst into flames! He ran away as pieces of concrete and rocks...

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honour of St. Patrick's day, I present one of my best irish jokes.

Murphy is sitting at pub, downing the last pint. He turns to the boys and says "Alright, this is it for me. The witch at home'll beat me knowing im out all night"


He gives a wave, goes to hop off the bar stool and falls flat on his face. "My god, I haven't been this drunk in ages."
...

Each Man Gets One Wish...

Steve Bannon, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau are walking along the path outside the Ottawa Parliament, when they come across a lantern in their path. Upon picking it up, a a cloud of smoke appears, and when it clears, to their amazement, there's a Genie!

The Genie says, "As there are three ...

Building in Antarctica is difficult!

No matter what I tried I couldn't get my house to stay together. I tried concrete, brick and mortar, even duct tape! I finally found something that worked though, it was quite simple, igloo'd it together.

Trump and a Mexican Fisherman.

Trump and a Mexican man are out fishing when suddenly Trump reels in a golden fish.

The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."

The fish turns to Trump and says "Since you are the one who reeled me in, you get ...

I fell on the sidewalk as a kid...

it was a concrete example of gravity in action.

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the fir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Letter home from summer camp

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened...

Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam.

FBI is still looking for concrete evidence.

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