What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam

What do you call the place where concrete is buried?

A cementary.

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Did you know people who put concrete in their ass get memory loss?

I dont remember where i read that though

Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week?

They're having a hard time moving inventory now.

A Bridge Too Far

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime ...

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

Hey girl, are you a large concrete structure forming an artificial lake?

...because dam.

My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."

The kids at the Easter egg hunt were wondering why I was pouring concrete into the eggs.

Then it hit them.

How do you start a concrete race?

Ready...... set........

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A man dies and goes to hell

When he get there he's welcomed by Satan he tells him I have three doors for you and behind each one there's a kind of hell that you're going to spend all of eternity. Behind door number 1 is a bunch of people as far as the eye can see standings on their heads on concrete floor. Behind number 2 ther...

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A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He meets his new workmates and they head up to the roof to start work.
One of the workers picks up a pile of bricks and steps off the edge of the building falling 10 stories and landing safely at the bottom.
He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

They sit down and start discussing how tough they are, until the barman asks what they want.

Concrete 1: I'll have a pint, and a shot of tequila, because I'm hard! I'm tough and can handle anything!

So the barman gets his drinks and asks the second.

Concrete 2: me? I'll have 2 p...

How many law enforcement officers does it take to throw a handcuffed person down concrete stairs?

None. They fell.

I left my job as a Concrete Worker.

It just seemed to get HARDER and HARDER.

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A priest decides to show some concrete examples about a sinful life during sunday mass.

He brings 4 closed jars. The first jar is filled with alcohol. The second one with cigarette smoke. The third one with sperm. The fourth one with clean water.

Inside each jar, there is an earthworm.

The priest starts talking about the examples of sinful life and shows each jar to the p...

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

Some minds are like concrete...

Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


Got this out of a Georgia newspaper.

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

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An Englishman, an African and an American decide they want to jump off of a building.

They climb up one. The Englishman looks down and says: "It's too high, I won't jump.", the African says: "Vool, vool, not jump.". The American jumps without thinking, nearly kills himself and yells: "My ass wool, concrete!"

(I tried to translate this from Czech as best as I could)

When I die I want to be buried in wet concrete

So that over time the plot thickens

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be buried in a concrete slab?

He was dead set

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

Here is a story about what happens if you line a grave with concrete...

The plot thickens!

What is the difference between concrete and pavement?

Eh, it's a grey area!

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

To the person who has stolen my 5 tonne concrete boots and my invisibility cloak...

You can't run but you can hide

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day...

I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression.

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

An old Joke that used to make my friends laugh.

Disclaimer: I am using nationalities, but I mean no offense or disrespect.

3 men die and are sent to hell. American, Bhuddist monk and a russian. They meet the devil. The sevil says:

"I will allow you to leave and go to heaven, if you can endure 3 lashes from my whip without screaming...

Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'Mafia' concrete.....

....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.

What happened to the escaped convict who fell into a pool of concrete?

He became a hardened criminal.

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Harry gets pulled over on the highway for speeding

Harry: Is there a problem, officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

Harry: No, I was only going 65 tops

Harry's girlfriend: Oh Harry, you were going at least 80

Harry gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for that broken ...

I just finished building my concrete speakers today.

It sounds solid!

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

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I tricked my construction coworker at lunch by putting chunks of concrete in his sandwich.

He shit a brick after he found out.

What do you add to water to make concrete?

About 400 feet.

My friend uses concrete and asphalt interchangeably

He says it's just a matter of cementics

What did steel say to the concrete?

Don't take too much tension!

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Why did the concrete fail at its job?

It couldn't take the shear stress

Donald Trump doesn't have one solid, concrete idea!

Except for the wall.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete.

He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."

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What is an absolute assholeness?

Scaring an ostich on concrete.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

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Two guys walk into a bar,

One of them asks the bartender for a drink. He takes a sip and jumps out of the window and starts flying. He then comes back in and said to his friend, "You have to try this drink, it makes you fly."

So his friend takes a sip, runs over and jumps out the window, and falls right onto the concr...

Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though

They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

If you push George W Bush into a vat of concrete.

It would set a very bad president.

What does a fish say when he hits concrete?

Dam!
A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.

Transporting prisoners

Today in the UK twelve prisoners where being bused to another prison from HMP Stocken. Thay were in collision with a ready mix concrete truck, police are now looking for twelve hardened criminals

My doctor told me I have modeled skin.

I said model, really? I always thought it looked like concrete that sat in acid rain for 20 years. He said no, m-o-t-t-l-e-d, and it’s a severe case. I said severe huh? I guess that makes me a super mottle.

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

February 29th, 2020

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh....

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A truck driver gets really screwed over by his lawyer during his divorce.

He becomes so sour about it that every time he sees a lawyer on the street while driving his truck, he screams "LAWYER!" and swerves onto the sidewalk to run him over.

One day he's driving and he sees a nun with her thumb out asking for a ride, so he pulls over and lets her in.

They're...

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There are these three ropes, and they are the best of friends

Every Friday, they go to the bowling alley to hang out and play a few games. However, when they got there on Friday, there was a sign that said, "No ropes allowed". They decided it must be a mistake, so one of the ropes goes in to ask about it, but gets kicked out. The second one goes in to try his ...

Construction worker discharged after accusation of murder

There was no concrete evidence.

Some kids pee their name in the snow.

Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

A Bad Sign

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had s...

What do you know about cement?

Me: Nothing concrete , but I know I would like to steel your heart.

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A man is sitting at a rooftop bar and turns towards the patron next to him: "I want to make a bet. If I jump off the balcony and survive, you buy me a bottle of champagne."

"You don't mean that, do you?", the patron asks. "This building is twelve stories high."

"It's a magical balcony", the man says. "I'll be fine."

"Whatever man", the patron says. "I know you won't do it."

The man gets up, walks towards the balcony and drops headfirst towards the ...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the...

A Man Finds a Lamp...

A man is on a walj when he comes across as lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him 3 wishes.

The man thinks long and hard and declares "I want to live a long and healthy life."

The genie immediately scans the man's body, eliminatin...

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

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A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

So one day a guy walks in a bar

and sits next to his friends, after a few drinks he needs to go to the bathroom and he goes for the urinal next to an african-american man, when he was finishing he sees the other man's thing and asks: "how do you guys get it that big ?" to which the man replys: " we hit it to concrete everyday " wi...

This is my 27th wedding anniversary, does anyone know the gift for that year?

Is it concrete or lead?

The origin of their names

It's the story of a mother who walks with her 3 kids ,

Rose asks her mother why she's called like that, and the mother answer "When we get out of the maternity a rose fell on your head"

Daphne also asks her mother why she's called like that and get the same answer.

Concrete Bl...

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

I almost got fired at the cement plant today...

But corporate realized that they didn't have concrete evidence to fire me.

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A man dies and goes to hell.

Once in hell hes greeted by the devil. "While in hell you can choose one of three rooms to be tortured in for all of eternity. You may only choose once." They go to the first room and theres a group of people standing on their heads on a hard wooden floor being whipped by demons. They go to the seco...

Back in time

Stop me if you heard this joke:

Jimmy magically traveled back in time hundreds and hundreds of years.

He walked around the village feeling very superior to these uneducated and backward people. Saw them practicing with bows and arrows, riding horses, etc.

He walked up to the me...

A man was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled across an old lamp.

As he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him a wish.

‘Let me see,’ said the guy. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared of flying and get seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can go there on vacation?’

The genie scratched his head. ‘A bridge f...

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?

We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.

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