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Honest Jokes

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

Got fired for being brutally honest...

My boss told me to leave my problems at the door so I told him to go stand by the door.

Honest Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child, What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

What's an Honest Politician in a Third World Country?

They take the bribe and then actually do what they promised.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'

'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave''

I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known.

All the red flags were there.

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To be honest a good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero.
See! That’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

I honestly cant remember anything about the last time i visited an osteopath.

Yet it was only a week back.

The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin....

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I'm getting pissed off now to be honest...

My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. I don't get it. If it gets any worse than this, I might just have to let her back in.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

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Honest, officer, I was not paying this woman for sex.

I was paying her to lower her standards.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

What do you call someone that makes an honest living?

Broke.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

Honest Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, *HONEST* Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So", the Judge said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney David, gave me $50000 and you, attorney Goliath, gave me $6000...

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

Honest witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

What do mythical beasts and honest politicians have in common?

They don't exist.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

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Honest Guy

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my fines...

I honestly get a little creeped out by hearing Spatial Audio all around me.

I guess it's just the Atmos fear.

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

So there’s a man I’ve been seeing for the last couple months, and honestly, things aren’t going too badly.

Problem is, no one else can see him.

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An Honest Job Interview

A man went to a job interview and was asked,

“What do you consider your strongest weakness”

He replies, “My honesty”

Interviewer says, “Well, I wouldn’t consider that a weakness”

The man replies, “Well, I don’t give a shit what you think.”

What is the most honest type of flower?

Lilac

An honest man

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the...

What’s the difference between flying pigs and honest politicians?

There actually was a time when Swine Flu.

I told my wife that she had to be more honest with me

So she stopped moaning

To be Honest...

I'd have to change my name.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)

He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.

"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.

"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll ...

Due to the size of my student loans for my phd I have debts no honest man could pay....

Luckily I'm a statistician.

Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.

Now he's an exterminator

A LADY lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any ...

A man is walking by a brothel..

One day a man is walking by a brothel, never having been inside, and decides to hey, why the hell not

as he enters he is met with two doors, one has a plaque that says "first time" and the other "regular"

being honest he walks through the "first time" door

there he is presented ...

What do you call an honest man with great teeth?

Toothfull

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2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

2 mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night

The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the shit out of me"

With a snort, the second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone!"

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

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[NSFW] My honest thoughts on Oedipus...

A good mother fucking book.

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Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

I honestly understand cannibals...

...they’re just so fed up with people.

I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

To be honest

You can't lie

Honestly you gotta hand it to short people

No seriously they cant reach it themselves

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

Honest Pilot

The aircraft I was flying in suddenly dropped out of the sky in heavy winds, glided just above the ocean surface skimming the water for a bit and eventually came to a stop on the surface.
The Captain was true to his word cos when we set off he said “ ......great weather today so it will be plai...

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

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An Honest Mistake

A truck driver is pulled over for having an unsecure load of donkeys on his trailer.

When the cop asks him why he pulled him over, he replies:

"I'm sorry sir, I didn't realize it was illegal to haul ass."

Honestly, vegans should stop

If they continue eating the Amazon rainforest we won't be able to breathe.

The Honest Thief

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar

Who orders beer?



Grandma because other characters are fictional!

Santa Claus, a blind guy, and an honest corporate executive approach a dollar on the sidewalk. Who picks it up first?

None of them, because the blind guy wouldn't see it, and the other two don't exist.

Did you hear the one about the honest politican?

You haven't? Same here.

Caitlin Jenner Must Be Very Honest To Her Kids

She seems Transparent.

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

The most honest people are psychics

They have never used their abilities for winning in a lottery

Wife: Honey, how do you like my new haircut? Husband: Can I be honest? Wife: Sure. …

Husband: I slept with your sister.

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If I'm honest...

I don't know where I'd be without my compass.

Honestly getting a concussion wasn’t so bad.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.

Let's be honest...

Finn was a little bit on the Dark side...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a ÂŁ20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Honest Mistake.

One night the heating in a hospital ward was accidentally turned off and as a result a few patients suffered hypothermia and ended up in intensive care. The next day..........

Head Nurse: Why did no one realise that the patients were freezing?, the people in the ward were old and infirm, they...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

Honestly I think English is a bloody stupid language

but it's what it's I guess

(Morbid) As a mortician, I try to be an honest salesman...

So a couple came in needing a casket for their dead baby. They had already browsed through our catalog as I walked up trying my best to be my most sensitive. They whispered to me through tears that they had picked out a beautiful casket for their dear beloved son. I had a conundrum to face. Afte...

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You know a proctologist is being honest

When they call you an arsehole.

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”

“Honest?” the woman asks.

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.

Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number.

If my wife answers, just hang-up

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

Honestly, with these ceiling fan jokes.

They just keep going around in circles, man.

What Are My Weaknesses? To be honest...

I'm a massive Liar.

You can't find an honest blacksmith these days!

They always forge their stuff!

Did you hear about the honest politicians?

That's funny.
Niether did I.

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

I honestly don't know how to talk to dwarfs

It's one of my shortcomings.

To be honest

She: You cannot find another girl like me
Me: I'm not looking for another one like you

Why are rednecks always so honest?

Because they don’t have any teeth to lie through

Covid19 inappropriate playlist thread. Honestly, I'm surprised it not been done yet. I'll start....

REM It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

Why do old hippies drink Honest Tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

One time I gave my honest thoughts on this dude’s art

I said “I appreciate the effort, but you should really look into another career, Adolf”

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

Honestly proposing to my wife was a mistake

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold t...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What's the similarity between an honest politician and a flying pig

Neither are real

Honestly, I found what happened to Jeffrey Epstein really sad...

So many powerful friends that could have helped and, instead, they all let him hang out to die.

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

A dying man wants to be honest with his wife

The wife is feeding her husband.

Suddenly the man starts crying and and says:
“There is something I need to tell you”

“What” asked the wife.

“I have been cheating on you with the nanny and the teacher of our children and the lady at the end of the street” says the man
...

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

Honestly, I'm just amazed he managed to pull it off.

When he first ran for president, nobody thought he could do it. When he started gaining in the polls, we all "knew" how it would end. But he showed us we were all wrong.

Congratulations to Barack Obama going eight years without being shot.

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

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Honestly, I don't even enjoy sex with nuns that much,

it's just, once you've gotten into the habit...

Honestly women should not have children after 35..

That would be way too many

Only one man has ever entered parliament with honest intentions...

... Guy Fawkes

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

I asked my friend in North Korea how he honestly feels about living there?

He said, "Can't complain."

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

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A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

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Honestly, everyone can get fucked...

So what if I don't know what 'apocalypse' means?

It's not the end of the world!

The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye:

"Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while.
I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"
The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, as...

Prostitution is a more honest business than Comcast...

...Although they both get paid to screw people.

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

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