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A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

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Honest, officer, I was not paying this woman for sex.

I was paying her to lower her standards.

An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Honest witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've b...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

When I was young, I was poor… But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work,

I am no longer young!

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

Archibald Strange was an honest lawyer (no, that isn't the joke)

He was getting old, so he went to the undertaker to plan what his grave would be.

"I want it to say 'Here lies Archibald Strange, a lawyer and an honest man,'" he said.

"I can't do that," replied the undertaker, "People would think I was burying multiple people in the same grave. I'll ...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

Teacher: When George Washington was a child, we hear how honest he was, admitting he cut down the cherry tree. His father immediately forgave him. Do you know why?



Student: Yes, because Washington was still holding the axe.

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To be honest a good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero.
See! That’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

What has four wheels and flies?

Garbage Truck.

.

.

.

To be honest, just listened to Tig Notaro telling this one on Conan O´Brien's podcast.

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’ The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

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Sometimes I wind up forcing an orgasm but honestly...

I prefer to let things come naturally.

Honest Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, *HONEST* Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So", the Judge said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney David, gave me $50000 and you, attorney Goliath, gave me $6000...

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My doctor told me "You need to stop masturbating"

I said "Why"

She said "Well, to be honest, you're not supposed to enjoy a rectal exam this much"

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

Santa, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill on the sidewalk. Who picks it up?

The drunk of course. The other three are imaginary.

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers..

To be completely honest I didn't know she sold flowers...

A LADY lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any ...

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

Me and my wife have been in a non-monogamous relationship for about 2 years now...

And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm kind of nervous to tell her.

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Being interviewed for a job, a man is asked,

"What would you say is your worst trait?"

"I'm honest to a fault", responded the man."

"Uhh well, nice try. I don't think that really qualifies as a '-WORST' trait. Try again."

Oh yeah!? Well, I really don't give a fuck what you think!

On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn't let me take home any volcanic rocks

And to be honest, I'm still a little basalty over it.

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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Wife's dead body...

I walked into the bedroom to find my wife dead in bed the other day. Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go... Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head!

What do you call an honest man with great teeth?

Toothfull

A young man was sitting outside a pub...

....having a drink and generally feeling good about life when out of absolutely nowhere he was struck across the face by a newspaper wielded by a furious nun. She began sounding off to him about the evils of drink.

"How dare you, you scoundrel! Have you no shame?! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol i...

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A Jew I heard from a Rabbi

Two devout Jewish men walked by a Christian church promoting conversions with $500 for each soul saved. The first fella says to his friend: "Hey Coen, I'm gonna go in there and feign interest to grab some free cash from those putzes bribing people for attendances!" Coen speaks up: "But Sal! You're a...

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair; the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, “honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?” The wife said, “I swear to all that is holy, he is your son.”

Then the husband died, and his wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

What is the most honest type of flower?

Lilac

LongAn attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.

Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.

I'm 16 and my GF is 58

Honestly, I think my grandfather (GF) is too young. What do you guys think?

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and learns ...

Wife: Honey, how do you like my new haircut? Husband: Can I be honest? Wife: Sure. …

Husband: I slept with your sister.

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I went for a job interview last week

The guy asked me what my biggest weakness is. I said I'm too honest.

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"

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A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

I’ve created the thickest moisturiser in the world….

To be honest, it still hasn’t sunk in yet.

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

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A Moth Walks Into a Podiatrist's Office

And the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows...

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:

"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"

"Yes Captain, it's true..."

"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."

"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."...

A stammering man walks up to a bible salesman.

"H-h-how is b-b-business g-going?" asks the man. "To be honest, not many people are into bibles these days," answers the salesman, "some people don't even answer their doors when they see me standing there." "T-t-that's a s-s-shame" says the man, "c-c-can I t-t-try f-for a d-d-day?" The biblesalesma...

Golf

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a...

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.

They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasn’t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked "God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?" God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whisp...

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number.

If my wife answers, just hang-up

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

My dad died last night...

He died because we couldn't get his blood type for a blood transfusion. It was awful, and I honestly don't know how to cope rn. I'm just holed up in my room, crying. I haven't slept yet and don't know if I can because I keep on seeing his face.

We were there with him as he was passing. It was...

I met this GORGEOUS girl named Christine at the bar.

she was SO hot, easily 10/10. I could not resist her attractiveness, so I decided to talk to her.

Her name was Christine, I told her that I find her VERY attractive.

I asked her if she is single, she said: Yes.

I was SUPER happy about that, and I was SO nervous, but I told mysel...

A young man is vacationing in Spain…

… when he happens to wander into a pub populated entirely by tourists, most of whom are in the midst of playing some kind of trivia game.

The young man sits down at a vacant table and listens for a while, slowly realizing that the game is focused entirely on the many hotels, motels, and hoste...

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Romance

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaura...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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I was nervous about going to the barber's to get my haircut. My wife said it would make things easier if I took a picture in with me.

I can honestly say I feel much more relaxed sitting in the chair with my nude shot of Pamela Anderson.

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why ...

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

I've just found out my wife is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.

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Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

It takes a pretty twisted person to mock an amputee.

Honestly, just try putting yourself in their shoe.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Honestly you gotta hand it to short people

No seriously they cant reach it themselves

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An Honest Job Interview

A man went to a job interview and was asked,

“What do you consider your strongest weakness”

He replies, “My honesty”

Interviewer says, “Well, I wouldn’t consider that a weakness”

The man replies, “Well, I don’t give a shit what you think.”

Superman has to make a doctor appointment...

The doctor is baffled when he walks into the patient room and finds THE Superman sitting on the bench.

"Erm... hello Superman, what seems to be the problem? I'm going to be honest I didn't realize that the man of steel needed to go to the doctor.."

Clearly uncomfortable Superman lowe...

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

I saw a man walk by with a Tool shirt.

At least he's honest with himself.

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig

It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.

So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.

The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely. ''Thank you, your lordship."

He conti...

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

Two mortgate brokers are chatting in a bar

The first says, "An honest woman is a good investment."

The other replies, "True, but a woman with no principle gets a lot of interest!"

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar

Who orders beer?



Grandma because other characters are fictional!

I know Dorian Gray is a common target for jokes...

...but let's be honest - jokes about him NEVER get old!

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

I have seen a lot of fat jokes recently, and I honestly think we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is.

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

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Transparent used to mean honest, clear, able to see through.

Now it means picking up tampons for Dad

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A man and woman are getting a divorce.

Concerned, the man’s best friend asks him why they are splitting up because they seemed like a great match. The man replies “honestly, what she says while we’re having sex just really turns me off lately.”

Curious, his friends asks “well what could she be saying that’s so bad?“

“Oh Pe...

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

I told my wife that she had to be more honest with me

So she stopped moaning

I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known.

All the red flags were there.

Did you hear the one about the honest politican?

You haven't? Same here.

I met a woman while walking my dog in the park.

After a few minutes and feeling a little chemistry I asked her to go out for dinner with me.

She agreed and the following evening we met at a decent restaurant. After a nice dinner, a few drinks, and great conversation I invited her back to my place.

We started making out and my hand...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

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A hunter is searching the woods for a bear to kill

When suddenly from the top of the hill he has climbed spots a huge grizzly in the distance. The Hunter steadies himself, takes a deep breath and shoots. He looks up and the bear is nowhere to be seen. The Hunter, confused as to where the bear has gone feels a tap on his shoulder and is shocked to se...

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

The Story of Creation as told by Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that ma...

A battle rapper who never lies

Is diss honest

To do list 1. Buy a turtle

2. Name it 'The speed of light'
3. Be able to honestly say I can run faster than the speed of light

(Morbid) As a mortician, I try to be an honest salesman...

So a couple came in needing a casket for their dead baby. They had already browsed through our catalog as I walked up trying my best to be my most sensitive. They whispered to me through tears that they had picked out a beautiful casket for their dear beloved son. I had a conundrum to face. Afte...

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

Honestly getting a concussion wasn’t so bad.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.

This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative.

And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.

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