This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To be honest a good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero.
See! That’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair; the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, “honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?” The wife said, “I swear to all that is holy, he is your son.”

Then the husband died, and his wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”

What do you call an honest man with great teeth?

Toothfull

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

We shouldn't mix races, it's immoral and honestly pretty gross.

That's why I hate triathlons.

My girlfriend asked me last night if she was still as pretty as the day we met. I said of course! She frowned and said “You have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I was as happy with her as ever. I said of course! She said again “you have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I still wanted to be with her and only her. I said as long as her sister is still in a relationship.

Apparently I shouldn’t have been *that* honest.

What is the most honest type of flower?

Lilac

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

3 friends walk into a room.

Never seen this joke on here, but I’m gonna be honest, also didn’t check or look for it first.

An engineer, a scientist, and a theoretical mathematician walk into a room. A fire breaks out and the scientist grabs the fire extinguisher and squirts one tiny spot and the fire goes out.

T...

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

Wife: Honey, how do you like my new haircut? Husband: Can I be honest? Wife: Sure. …

Husband: I slept with your sister.

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

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An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number.

If my wife answers, just hang-up

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Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

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An Honest Job Interview

A man went to a job interview and was asked,

“What do you consider your strongest weakness”

He replies, “My honesty”

Interviewer says, “Well, I wouldn’t consider that a weakness”

The man replies, “Well, I don’t give a shit what you think.”

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A DUI lawyer, an MLM hun, and a HOA board president ran into each other at a bar in heaven.

They had a few drinks by then and loosened up a bit and were chatting about all kinds of things but were secretly curious about how *they* landed in paradise! They couldn't hold it any longer so they decided to be honest and agreed to tell the truth on what was it that they did that got them to heav...

Barry worked in a gold mine

He was ready to leave his gold mining days behind, as his retirement was coming up in a couple of months.

One day, he was leaving work, pushing a wheelbarrow that had a box in it.

The guard noticed the box, and suspiciously asked, "Hey, Barry. What's in the box?"

"Nothing", murm...

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

I just found out my girlfriend is a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

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Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

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A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

...

Honestly you gotta hand it to short people

No seriously they cant reach it themselves

I have seen a lot of fat jokes recently, and I honestly think we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is.

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I was watching a porn film the other day, and accidentally played the alternate ending. I didn’t think I would like it, but if I’m being honest....

I came to the wrong conclusion.

I honestly hope President Donald Trump gets better.

And I hope he recovers from Coronavirus as well.

My 90 year old neighbor has Alzheimer's

And every morning when i wake up he's in a panic knocking at my door asking if I'd seen his wife, and every day i am forced to remind him that she has been dead for over 10 years...

Honestly i could just move, the house isn't too great, and I've had many opportunities to live in better plac...

A man way lying on his deathbed when he decided to make a confession to his wife

Man: I have to tell you the truth, I cheated on you with your best friend

Wife: I have to be honest with you too, I already know - that's why I poisoned you

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies...

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction.

First boy : " My name is john, and ...

Did you hear the one about the honest politican?

You haven't? Same here.

An old man goes to the doctor...

He walks in and the doctor asks how he's feeling...
The man replies "Honestly Doc, I'm doing much better than usual, I have the Lord watching over me!"
Confused, the doctor asks "What do you mean the lord is watching over you?"
The man says excitedly "Well when I go to the bathroom, t...

Most people choose to raise their own kids...

but I'm proud to say my kids were adopted. And honestly I don't miss them.

I just read a novel that took place in the world's smallest graveyard

Honestly, it sucked. It didn't even have a plot.

Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar

Who orders beer?



Grandma because other characters are fictional!

Do I Drink Too Much

A man goes to the doctor and says “I think I may be drinking too much.” The doctor says “Well, how many days a week do to drink?” The man says “Honestly, 4 or 5 days per week.” The doctor says “Well, that’s not healthy, but that’s not too bad.” The man says “that’s good to hear. By the way, I al...

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By the old farm

About to hit forties, a successful business man from New York wants to get married. He wants a pretty and young girl, around 21 years old to show off to his fellow business men. However, as a religious man, he is looking for a virgin, which are kinda hard to find this days.

So he heads up to ...

(Morbid) As a mortician, I try to be an honest salesman...

So a couple came in needing a casket for their dead baby. They had already browsed through our catalog as I walked up trying my best to be my most sensitive. They whispered to me through tears that they had picked out a beautiful casket for their dear beloved son. I had a conundrum to face. Afte...

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

Honestly getting a concussion wasn’t so bad.

It hurt when it happened but I barely remember it now.

Since my work is reliant on it i might be biased, but i never understood why people say wind power is ineffective

Honestly i'm a big fan

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

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A lady, a guy and a lad and their love

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care ...

To be Honest...

I'd have to change my name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, What seems to be the problem, moth?

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happines...

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I met and a girl we seemed to really hit it off.

I mean we really clicked. Same interests, same choice of music, same outlook on life. Everything was going great until I found out that she was into piss play. It just wasn't something I enjoyed. I was honest with her when we broke up. I said, it's not you it's pee.

My mate Jack thinks he can talk to vegetables, or so he claims.

Honestly mate, jack and the beans talk

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

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[NSFW] My honest thoughts on Oedipus...

A good mother fucking book.

I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke..

Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative.

And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.

A fellow redditor asked where all my karma came frome

If you're good enough, it's honestly a piece of cake.

I did a Briggs-Myers personality test. It said answer honestly, so i did.

Apparently I have no personality.

A skeleton is waiting to see a doctor.

The doctor walks in, spots the skeleton, and says “Ah, Mister Johnson! I haven’t seen you since we misplaced your femur! How are you doing?”

The skeleton sighs and replies “Honestly doctor, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m

Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!

Covid19 inappropriate playlist thread. Honestly, I'm surprised it not been done yet. I'll start....

REM It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

I talked to a couple of Jehovah's witnesses for half an hour, and I still don't know who Jehova is.

To be honest, I'm not entirely convinced that they witnessed it.

I asked my friend in North Korea how he honestly feels about living there?

He said, "Can't complain."

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”

“Honest?” the woman asks.

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.

I told my wife that she had to be more honest with me

So she stopped moaning

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't all that relaxing. In fact, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now...

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to a...

A local congressman was sitting in his office when the phone rang.

He picked it up, said little, smiled widely, said "Thank you," and hung up the phone.
He picked the phone back up to call his mother. "Mom, it’s me,"he said. "I won the election!"
"Honestly?" she said in response to the news.
"Does it really matter how I did it?" he replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I honestly don’t understand why the church is so against Harry Potter

Nothing guarantees you pre martial virginity more than talking about what animal you patronus would be and what your wand would be made of.

Be honest, what is one Race you can’t stand? I’ll tell you mine...

The presidential Race, too much drama in politics.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

The fact that germs enter my body without my consent is wrong.

And to be honest it makes me sick.

I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known.

All the red flags were there.

Two old men...

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel?

I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a newborn baby.

I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

Underage drinking is a big issue in my house.

My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

An honest man

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the...

Honestly I think English is a bloody stupid language

but it's what it's I guess

One time I gave my honest thoughts on this dude’s art

I said “I appreciate the effort, but you should really look into another career, Adolf”

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

Caitlin Jenner Must Be Very Honest To Her Kids

She seems Transparent.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.



There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they sudde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists found that watching porn makes men more honest

There's 2 kinds of men, those who watch porn and liars

Why should you just be honest to fat people?

Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.

Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.

Now he's an exterminator

Reddit is supposed to be a place of open and honest discussion where every opinion counts.

If you don't agree, stay out of the comment section.

There once was a very honest man...

He was the most honest man around.

Or so he thought.

One day, he was seduced. It was the most beautiful woman ever.

But there's a problem:

He was married.

Being so honest, and to save face, he decided to tell his wife the truth.

So he waited in his home for ...

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

I honestly believe there is nothing like going to bed with a good book...

Or a friend who's read one.

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