UPJOKE
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Real Jokes

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

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Real movie titles converted to funny porn ones

I.e., Romancing the Bone”

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedro...

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]

www.reddit.com

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

What’s worse than finding out Santa isn’t real as a kid?

Finding out your parents are broke.

I'll never understand why people say Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food.

It gets the job done for half the price. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho....

How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

What is Bill Nye's real name?

William New Year's Eve

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

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I’m back with another shitty joke for y’all. So an armed man runs into a real estate agency and screams…

NOBODY MOVE!!!

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A mans hurt real bad.

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"....

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

Vampires aren't real.

Unless you count Dracula.

The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.

What were you expecting?

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[NSFW] REAL MEN shave with straight razors......



....Other razors are for pussies



OK, I'll show myself out.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

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Only real Sharks will understand

Two great white shark swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, s...

I get what real estate is.

but I’ve always wondered what abstract estate is.

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

Gaslighting isn’t real.

You’re just crazy.

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." S...

Who's the real enemy of ISIS?

IBRO

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Dragon Ball Z is real.

Messi collected 7 golden balls and successfully wished for a world cup.

What is black and screams real loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

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Real or fake?

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holidays and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to...

Real conversation with my 6-year-old:

Him (looking at a bank building): Is this where they keep the money that you donate to them?

Me: Yes, but we don't _donate_ to the bank, we _deposit_ into the bank. 'Deposit' means that you're going to take it back later. 'Donate' means that you just give it away and don't expect to ever get ...

1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"

My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I have a real problem with rhino poaching.

You have to get the pan custom-made and then it takes forever to get the water hot.

Your brain isn't real.

It's in your head.

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

Tom Jones syndrome is a real thing. And it’s not rare.

In fact, it’s not unusual.

Happen in real life and wanted to share; My friend is always asking to borrow my power bank, so I said I should be charging you for this. Another guy nearby said immediately:

And another guy said immediately: You will make bank if you do.

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A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

If “Blue Lives” are real…

…that would mean they were Assigned Cop At Birth.

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I Got Pull Over Today (real conversation with cop)

So….today I got pulled over about 15 feet from the front of my building on my way to work for rolling a stop as I was putting my seatbelt on. I just left it unbuckled so he didn’t think I was trying to pull one over on him.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m an...

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

I’m a real dog person

I like to wear a collar and sh** on the street.

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The REAL 3 Stages of Married Sex

Tri-weekly.


Try weekly.


Try weakly.

Am I a real polar bear?

Small white bear: Dad, am I polar bear?

Dad, a large polar bear: Yes, son, you are

S: A real polar bear?

D: Yes, a real polar bear

S: Is there any way I could be any other sort of bear?

D: No. 100% polar bear. Why, son?

S: 'CAUSE I'M FREAKING COLD!

The Real Problem With Kleptomaniacs...

Is That They Take Things Literally

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

The Energy Crisis is so real…

… People want a lump of coal in their stocking.

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

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REAL MEN

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are kings in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my ...

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In an archeology class, the professor brings in a real mummy for demonstration.

In front of all the freshmen, he declares that in order to be a good scientist, one must achieve good skills and have great passion.

The professor puts his finger into the mummy’s butthole, puts the finger into his mouth, and sucks it like he does a lollipop.

“Now who has the gut to ju...

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

Tom, a successful Real estate developer was 65 and just married Candy, 44 years his junior

After they came back from their honeymoon they did a party for all of their friends. At the party one of Tom friends asked him:

“Hey man I know you got money and all but how did you land a woman so good looking and so young?”

Tom replies: “well, to be honest I lied about my age and hea...

One day i told a psychiatrist that pi wasn’t real.

She said i was being irrational.

Elon Musk thinks he's a real life Tony Stark

But he's actually a real life Justin Hammer

People with bad teeth are the real winners

They even have the plaque to prove it

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

My 4yo's first real joke: Why did the clown go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling funny!

#prouddadmoment

Santa is real

Who else but Santa would buy you all that stuff while you are drunk?

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

Real life incident with 5 yr old : We were once stopped for some VIP convoy to pass through.

Our 5 year old asked us why the car stopped, so we explained there is a lot of police etc going through. She asked why so many policemen? I said it is a big leader who is traveling.

She then asks : “Why would so many policemen be required to prevent him from stealing something?”

Is gravity real?

or does the earth just suck

Theist: God is real!

Atheist: No, imaginary!

Mathematician: You make this needlessly complex.

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do you call a real estate agency opened by a detective?

Sherlock Homes

(I don’t know if it was posted before but I found the joke by myself )

The real meaning of happiness

Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.You can't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

I got in trouble for telling my step dad he’s not my real dad.

Guess he’s a faux pa.

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover is that math text books have pictures of kids having fun on the front.

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.

They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.
Jim said, "*Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it ...

A Priest asks an atheist, what if god is real?

Atheist: He will forgive me

Priest: Why?

Atheist: Its his fault I am an atheist.

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Real or Fake???

### Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.


I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to th...

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What's the REAL difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler cared about Germany.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

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Whats the difference between porn and real life?

In a porno the repairman fucks the woman. In real life he fucks the job.

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Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the popul...

Hollywood isn’t real

It’s all just paid actors

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

I heard some people say Judaism isn’t a real religion

But I personally think it Israel

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

My father was a real sweetheart

He died from diabetes

(Real story) my wife suggested we get a muzzle because her sister was visiting and was scared of our German Sheppard

I told her:
-Sure! What size of a trap does ur sister have?

How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

How do you tell the difference between a real escourt and a cop.

All the cute ones are cops.

I have a real phobia of trampolines.

They always make me jump.

My First Girlfriend's Dad Was a Real Tough Guy

The first time I met him he said, "Whatever you do my baby girl, I do double back to you."

So I had her peg me.

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Friends are like boobs

some are real some are fake

How do you say that a rumor about a guy being a real ladies' man is not true?

No way, hoes say

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

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My friend visiting from France wants to try real American food

She was really pissed off when I bought her French fries.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

How do you find the real slim shady?

You ask their opinion on something. The real chokes always in the comments.

I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn't real.

It was a pigment of my imagination.

The real Jesus Christ

Three drunks are sitting in a bar in Amsterdam and start bragging. The first drunk says:"I am Jesus Christ, and I will prove it to you by walking over water". They grab their beers and walk to the closest pond, and of course the drunk falls down in the water. Once back on the waterside the second dr...

The real truth about vaccines

I got vaccinated as a kid. As a result, I'm now starting to gray and bald. My balding got so bad I had to shave my head. I've also gained weight. Because of vaccines I have started aging instead of dying as a baby.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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Best jokes come from real life. This happened this morning.

The toilet is clogged. My wife and I both insist we've only gone #1.

One of us is full of crap and the other one is full of crap.

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The Real Son Of A Bitch

Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done, my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

...

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My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

Real pandas come from the Pandeaux region of France.

Otherwise they’re just sparkling patrol car bears.

man coronavirus is real..

you gotta start using UDP over TCP to avoid handshake

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...

Jack got cold feet.

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

The Polar Express isn't actually real.

It's a work of imagination - a train of thought.

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

Holland’s kitchen appliance manufacturers are the real heroes

Imagine how hard it must be to sell someone a Dutch oven.

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Stand real still.

A Thief walks into the Bar


Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.

About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, a...

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