UPJOKE
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Real Jokes

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

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Real movie titles converted to funny porn ones

I.e., Romancing the Bone”

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.
AI Image Generator

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]

www.reddit.com

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedro...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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I’m back with another shitty joke for y’all. So an armed man runs into a real estate agency and screams…

NOBODY MOVE!!!

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho....

How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." S...

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

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Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

What is Bill Nye's real name?

William New Year's Eve

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

Real life incident with 5 yr old : We were once stopped for some VIP convoy to pass through.

Our 5 year old asked us why the car stopped, so we explained there is a lot of police etc going through. She asked why so many policemen? I said it is a big leader who is traveling.

She then asks : “Why would so many policemen be required to prevent him from stealing something?”

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[NSFW] REAL MEN shave with straight razors......



....Other razors are for pussies



OK, I'll show myself out.

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

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Only real Sharks will understand

Two great white shark swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, s...

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A mans hurt real bad.

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"....

Tom Jones syndrome is a real thing. And it’s not rare.

In fact, it’s not unusual.

The *REAL* Way to Avoid Clickbait

Seriously guys, this is Reddit.

What were you expecting?

Tom, a successful Real estate developer was 65 and just married Candy, 44 years his junior

After they came back from their honeymoon they did a party for all of their friends. At the party one of Tom friends asked him:

“Hey man I know you got money and all but how did you land a woman so good looking and so young?”

Tom replies: “well, to be honest I lied about my age and hea...

I get what real estate is.

but I’ve always wondered what abstract estate is.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Vampires aren't real.

Unless you count Dracula.

It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States

After all, nobody expects the American composition

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

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In an archeology class, the professor brings in a real mummy for demonstration.

In front of all the freshmen, he declares that in order to be a good scientist, one must achieve good skills and have great passion.

The professor puts his finger into the mummy’s butthole, puts the finger into his mouth, and sucks it like he does a lollipop.

“Now who has the gut to ju...

What is black and screams real loud?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

Real conversation with my 6-year-old:

Him (looking at a bank building): Is this where they keep the money that you donate to them?

Me: Yes, but we don't _donate_ to the bank, we _deposit_ into the bank. 'Deposit' means that you're going to take it back later. 'Donate' means that you just give it away and don't expect to ever get ...

Who's the real enemy of ISIS?

IBRO

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

I got in trouble for telling my step dad he’s not my real dad.

Guess he’s a faux pa.

I have a real problem with rhino poaching.

You have to get the pan custom-made and then it takes forever to get the water hot.

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Got a seat on a flight on one of those real budget airlines earlier, the deal was first come, first serve for seats. I turned up super early and was just nodding off in my seat when a guy tapped me on the shoulder......

Him: Excuse me mate, this is my seat.

Me: No mate, first come first serve.

Him: Yeah, but this is 100% my seat.

Me: Look on the ticket pal, it says first come first serve, end of.

Him: Alright then, you fly the fucking thing.

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Dragon Ball Z is real.

Messi collected 7 golden balls and successfully wished for a world cup.

Gaslighting isn’t real.

You’re just crazy.

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

How do you say that a rumor about a guy being a real ladies' man is not true?

No way, hoes say

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

One day i told a psychiatrist that pi wasn’t real.

She said i was being irrational.

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.

They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.
Jim said, "*Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it ...

My 4yo's first real joke: Why did the clown go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling funny!

#prouddadmoment

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

The girl next to me at the dinner party told me I had real Leo vibes. I asked “Why, because I’m so confident and fiery?”

She replied “No, because your girlfriend is 19”

What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

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Real or fake?

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holidays and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to...

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover is that math text books have pictures of kids having fun on the front.

What do you call a real estate agency opened by a detective?

Sherlock Homes

(I don’t know if it was posted before but I found the joke by myself )

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

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I Got Pull Over Today (real conversation with cop)

So….today I got pulled over about 15 feet from the front of my building on my way to work for rolling a stop as I was putting my seatbelt on. I just left it unbuckled so he didn’t think I was trying to pull one over on him.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m an...

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Elon Musk thinks he's a real life Tony Stark

But he's actually a real life Justin Hammer

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The REAL 3 Stages of Married Sex

Tri-weekly.


Try weekly.


Try weakly.

I’m a real dog person

I like to wear a collar and sh** on the street.

Your brain isn't real.

It's in your head.

1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"

My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!

The Energy Crisis is so real…

… People want a lump of coal in their stocking.

Am I a real polar bear?

Small white bear: Dad, am I polar bear?

Dad, a large polar bear: Yes, son, you are

S: A real polar bear?

D: Yes, a real polar bear

S: Is there any way I could be any other sort of bear?

D: No. 100% polar bear. Why, son?

S: 'CAUSE I'M FREAKING COLD!

If “Blue Lives” are real…

…that would mean they were Assigned Cop At Birth.

People with bad teeth are the real winners

They even have the plaque to prove it

I dreamed about a color once, but when I woke up I realized it wasn't real.

It was a pigment of my imagination.

How do you tell the difference between a real escourt and a cop.

All the cute ones are cops.

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

The Real Problem With Kleptomaniacs...

Is That They Take Things Literally

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What's the main difference between watching porn and real sex?

With porn you open up Windows before you start, and with sex you open up windows afterwards

A Priest asks an atheist, what if god is real?

Atheist: He will forgive me

Priest: Why?

Atheist: Its his fault I am an atheist.

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

I heard some people say Judaism isn’t a real religion

But I personally think it Israel

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yoursel...

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A friend once told me he enjoyed masturbating in front of other people. When I told him I couldn't relate, he made a real effort to help me understand...



...and now I can see where he's coming from.

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[Almost a real story] My middle school friends and I, when we were in middle school, were talking about our wet dreams. everyone was having a good time talking about the naughty stuff, but my friend Hassan was all quiet and unamused. Later he came to me and said that he wants my thought.

\- So what's up Hassan?

\+ Ali all the guys are having wet dreams and I am not. Am I sick or something?

\- I don't think so. but there must be a reason that you don't. tell me, Do you fap?

\+ Of course I fap.

\- Do you fap a lot...?

\+ not really. once or twice...

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

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A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him t...

I'm a real big fan of the Skyline GT-R...

But I don't think looking up Nissan R34 is a good idea.

I finally got my turn on Dall-E and wanted to give it a real challenge so I asked it to render a bilious pile of rancid garbage with no hope, joy or radiance whatsoever.

Bloody waste of my turn, I could’ve taken a selfie anytime.

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My friend visiting from France wants to try real American food

She was really pissed off when I bought her French fries.

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

The day he finally came to know his real personality

Was the day when he put his iPhone in his rear pocket and the face ID unlocked the mobile.

In real life, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's marriage was toxic

Naturally, it'd make a great romcom.

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What's the REAL difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler cared about Germany.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I on...

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

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I just don’t get women. My girlfriend says that I have a real problem with mansplaining everything and if I don’t stop, she’ll throw me down a hole filled with water. I know she means well

And when I told her that, she lost her shit and threw me out of the house. Women!

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Whats the difference between porn and real life?

In a porno the repairman fucks the woman. In real life he fucks the job.

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

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Remember, it's only real bologna if it comes from the Bologna region in a Italy.

Otherwise, it's just sparkling pig anus.

Old Arabs used primitive stenography in war correspondence by sending meaningless sentences, with the initial letters of words as the real deal.

Thus was: We Hate Early Retreat Ending after returning eager to have eggs after rear right of wet sea.

And we used to send a reply as this one:

Upon  Pondering Your Order Utmost rates are still solid

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

How do you know a girl on Tinder is real?

When they ignore you.

I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.



credit: Ryan Stout

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real

I was heartbroken...


I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

My First Girlfriend's Dad Was a Real Tough Guy

The first time I met him he said, "Whatever you do my baby girl, I do double back to you."

So I had her peg me.

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

I was real upset when I lost my nonbinary friend at the store

But I felt better when someone told me "They're there"

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

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My wife had an anal prolapse, and it's turned her into a real bitch lately.

It really brought out the asshole inside of her.

Theist: God is real!

Atheist: No, imaginary!

Mathematician: You make this needlessly complex.

The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...

Jack got cold feet.

Finally told my stepdaughter that I'm not her real dad and that her real dad abandoned her

Naturally, she was a little sad about the news, but I wanted to cheer her up, so I told her "One man's trash in another man's treasure".

Santa is real

Who else but Santa would buy you all that stuff while you are drunk?

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

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My kids are real jerks, so we're moving to Germany.

Then they'll be kinder.

I have a real phobia of trampolines.

They always make me jump.

How do you find the real slim shady?

You ask their opinion on something. The real chokes always in the comments.

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Best jokes come from real life. This happened this morning.

The toilet is clogged. My wife and I both insist we've only gone #1.

One of us is full of crap and the other one is full of crap.

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

My first real estate investment will involve campers and dolphins...

For all intents and porpoises...

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

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