Reached Jokes - 65 Hilarious Reached Jokes

Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return….

…..and returned.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

...

A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial.

I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? :P

She gagged. >\_<

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

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My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she said "is that the best you can do?".

A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.

"I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk," she said to the man next to her.

He replied, "I'm pretty sure they'd say 'We are leopards.'".

I’ve reached the age where I can’t tell..

whether I have sustained an injury, or that’s just the way I am now.

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

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A doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer.

"Oh darn!" he said, "Some asshole has my pen."

I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...

I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.

I've finally reached an age old enough to buy an "adult" inflatable.

I brought it home and unpackaged it. I carefully read the instructions, ran my hand over the material. It was a strange feeling. I didn't expect I'd ever reach the point of using one. I fiddled with it a bit, then checked the hole. The thing was wide enough for my whole arm! But I inflated it anyway...

I think my friend is lying when he claimed he reached the top of Mount Everest last year.

I’m not sure if…he made it up.

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

Charles reached the Pearly Gates and was confronted by Saint Peter

\-*Welcome my dear, what's your name so I can check on the list?*

Charles gave him his name and Saint Peter looked it over and said:

\-*I'm sorry to inform you, but you are not on my list.*

Charles started to sweat and tried to argue:

\-But I was good, I did a lot of good...

A British Airways flight just reached it's cruise altitude

The captain grabs the microphone and announces: " Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop service from London-Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followe...

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What did Tenzing Norgay say to Sir Edmund Hillary when they reached the summit of Mt. Everest?

It’s all downhill from here.

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Husband and wife

Her: Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

Him: "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill...

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five...

But he just left him hanging.

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table...

...took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will be married thirty years, and there's something I must know. In all of these thirty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth swallowed hard and replied, "Well, Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful...

"Hey, you've reached your oven...

you know what to do after the beep."

How do you know you've reached the end of Scandinavia?

Because of the Finnish!

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.

"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"

The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association

Please leave your message after the beep.

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Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

3 drunk guys entered a taxi

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he d...

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

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How do you know you have reached quarantine insanity?

When you look at old photographs and videos and get pissed because nobody is wearing masks.

You know you’ve reached middle age when

you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police

Corona virus has reached the Arab peninsula

Time for a Qurantine

Starbucks reached new heights this weekend.

They now have a store in Westeros.

What happened when the Corona virus reached Neverland?

It started a Peter Pandemic.

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates.

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed. (Angel : A, Person : P)
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can ac...

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'

EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

Did you hear about the guy who reached absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K!

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…

…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached d...

A son tells his dad that the number of Coronavirus cases has reached 200,000

The dad replies:

"Oh 400,000 cases of Coronavirus, huh? Did you know that over 60 million people get the flu every year? 800,000 cases isn't so much in the big scheme of things- When 2.8 million people are dying from obesity every year- why should I give a damn about 1.6 million cases?"

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

Was watching Netflix with my friend when the new sink I ordered finally reached my house.

So I said to him, "I'm going to pause to let that sink in".

A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."

"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

How do ducks know when they’ve reached puberty?

Their voice quacks.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

A divorced man was delighted when his daughter reached her 18th birthday

because it would be his final child support payment. Month after month, year after year he had paid, and now at last he would be free of the financial burden.

So he called his daughter over to his house and said: "I want you to take this last check to your mother’s house. You tell her this is...

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