UPJOKE
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Re Jokes

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round...

It’s fucked

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years

We’re trying a new technique.

We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through

PLEASE WAKE UP

You’re mom’s so slow...

...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid 1: I bet you’re a virgin

Kid 2: Not anymore, I got laid last night!

Kid 1: Yeah, right!

Kid 2: No, I’m serious! Just ask your sister!

Kid 1: I don’t have a sister…

Kid 2: You will in about 9 months

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OPEN LETTER TO QATAR: you’re seriously banning homosexuality at your World Cup?

Come on guys…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter says, “aight y’all. We’re under-staffed…

…and frankly I’m just trying to get fired at this point. We can’t just let any goody-two-shoes into Heaven anymore and I just don’t give a fuck so you’re only allowed in if you’ve had a particularly brutal death. Because I’m St motherfucking Peter and I said so.”

This fat guy walks up. “I thi...

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

Judas: C´mon Jesus we´re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what??
Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

If you’re feeling paranoid, just remember…

… you’re not alone!

I re-watched Will Smith in "Independence Day" last night.

Still slaps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

What do you eat when you’re cold and angry?

A BRRRR GRRRRR.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

I hate people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're"

There so stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

You know you’re not liked when

you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

What’s the worst thing you can hear while you’re going down on Willie Nelson?

“I’m not really Willie Nelson.”

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Donate one lung and you’re a hero

I donate 7 and I get arrested

I heard they’re making a mind controlled air freshener

It makes scents when you think about it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

Little Johnny is in second grade. They’re learning about different animals

The teacher asks Suzie, “Suzie, what do chickens give you?”

Suzie answers, “eggs!”

Teacher says, “very good Suzie. And Mark, what do pigs give you?”

Mark says, “bacon!”

Teacher goes, “excellent, Mark! Johnny, what do cows give you?”

Johnnie answers, “usually homewo...

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

Since we’re doing Readers Digest…

This is a true story, and one that my dad submitted and had published in RD back in the early 80s. It takes place in the early 60s. I’m typing it here from memory.

“My friend and I were driving between 2 rural Indiana towns during a winter blizzard when we ran out of gas. With only $5 to our ...

You’re so ugly…

That when your mom gave birth to you, she got a ticket for littering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uranus - These a re all true BTW

Uranus is full of gas.
Uranus smells like farts.
Uranus craps diamonds.
Uranus is a cold, cold place.
NASA flew by Uranus and snapped lots of pics.
Uranus is huge.
We can see Uranus with the naked eye.
Uranus is bleeding is an actual astrological (not astronomical...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy goes to his Mom and says, “Mom, how come you’re white and I’m black?”

His Mom replies, “Son, the way I remember that party, you’re lucky you don’t fucking bark.”

Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid you’re DNA has been reversed

Patient: AND?

What's the difference between 'there' and 'they're'?

Their meanings.

Apparently you’re autistic if…

Apparently you’re autistic if you take things literally

Well, I’ve never stolen anything in my life so definitely not me

When you’re with Spanish-speaking friends, remember to say “mucho” as much as possible

It means a lot to them

You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do?

You get off the merry-go-round

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

When people use metal detectors, they’re treasure hunters…

but when _I_ do it, I’m “a thief” and I “need to leave the war memorial.”

Double standards, man. I swear

What do linguists do when they’re feeling naughty?

They get into some antics.

Without telling me you’re married, tell me you’re married.

I’ll start with “I’m sorry, you’re right”

Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

My wife just shouted at me “YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ARE YOU!!???”

What a strange way to start a conversation.

What’s it called when a furry says they’re sorry?

An anthropology.

What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?

A un-aware wolf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you re-use a condom?

You shake the fuck out of it

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

If you’re wrong and you stay silent, you’re smart.

If you’re right and you stay silent, you’re married.

If you ever want to quit drinking eat Twizzlers because they’re not alcohol but...

They’re liquorish.

Biden runs for re-election in 2024.

He promises it will be a great first term.

If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one...

They’re from the US

I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”

My son: Who?

Me: Exactly.

If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're.

Their, I finally said it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

Grandma's peanuts (prob a re-post, still funny though)

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p...

You’re an electrical measurement, Harry

I’m a watt

In most African countries, you’re not allowed to take your food home from a restaurant.

Except one——Togo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

Me: Officer, why are you crying as you’re writing me a ticket?

Cop: It’s …a moving violation.

You’re Up Next Soldier

While posted to Germany in 1987 I was a Cpl in the Canadian Army. I had been selected to attend a Combat Leadership Course.
One of the first things we were required to do was stand in front of our peers in a classroom and give a brief blurb on ourselves.
The course Warrant Officer said “Righ...

Since we’re doing little Jonny jokes

Catholic school teacher asks the class, “Children, what part of your body do you think enters heaven first?”.

Mary stands up and says “Your head, because it’s the top of your body.”.

“Very good logic Mary, anyone else?”

Matt stands up, “Your hands, because they are what we use...

They’re running out of face masks in China

No big supplies there.

What do you call it when you’re shopping for new eyebrows?

Browsing.

Always remember — you’re unique.

Just like everyone else.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

What’s the best meal to make for someone you’re breaking up with?

Dumplings

Me: You’re shoes are on the wrong feet.

4yo:

Me:

4yo:

Me:

4yo: I don’t have any other feet.

Me: Fair enough.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

You’re not worthless.

Organs go for a lot on the Black Market.

This one only works if you’re familiar with New Orleans

A man was walking down the street when he came upon a guy lying face down in the gutter. Not knowing if the guy was passed out or dead, he dials 911…

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Man: I’ve come upon a body lying in the gutter. He could be dead or passed out, I’m not sure
...

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

If you’re American when you go in the bathroom…

... what are you in the bathroom?

European

... and what are you when you come out?

Finnish

What does a Buddhist cowboy say when they’re surprised?

Wut in reintarnation?

For my 3rd cake day I'd like to re-re retell

Resell, retail, retale, resail reset preset presume resume
Assume retell

That my favorite joke is good ol' #788

it's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! enjoy a cross-re-post.

What's a Pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be r, but a pirate's first love is the C.

A neighbor overhears a husband and wife arguing. The wife yells “the only time you’re useful is when you’re on your back or hands and knees!”

The neighbor gasps, and then hears the husband say “I do more than fix the car and kitchen sink.”

Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!

Doctor: you’re allergic to milk

Me: No whey?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

”You’re the light of my life!”

”Yeah, well then why do your pupils dilate every time you see me?”

If you can't tell the difference between "there", "their", and "they're"...

Your an idiot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a porno cinema the other night.

I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me: “Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”

So I said to him: “Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

You know you’re getting old when if a lady wants you to pay for her “implants.”

She means “dental” implants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

If you’re ever choking on an ice cube

Just wait,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows if you’re awake?

Convicted rapist Brock Turner.

The mountains aren’t just funny, they’re...

Hill areas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I left your cheating ass because you’re not half the man he is” she said

“Funny, I cheated because she was about half the woman you are” he said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you’re an agoraphobic homosexual

It’s hard to come out of the closet.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner

We found himalayan in the road.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.

If you’re excited about this halftime show

It’s time to book your mammogram

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Back seat drivers... They’re all the same

“Let me go”, “why are you taking me in to the woods”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about re-usable condoms?

Yep you take them off and shake the fuck out of them.

You’re out!

When you have a little toddler, it’s a fine line between teaching them to catch and winning at dodge ball.

An octopus slinks into a dark room with a gun in each arm.

He hears a soft chuckle coming from the corner. “You’re one short, my friend,” says the cat as he steps into view.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?

Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

What’s the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them.

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

How do you do the hokey pokey if you’re a millipede?

You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in…

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