Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

What do you call a group of forgetful congressmen?

An oversight committee

What’s the difference between Kindergarteners and Congress?

Kindergarteners grow up.

How is a congressman and a dog similar?

When you ask them to speak they will, but it doesn't mean anything.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress

But I repeat myself.

Congress wanted to make a "US tour" so that they could meet and greet the citizens

So they gather all up and jump into a bus, you know, to make people think they were not spending the people's taxes on plane tickets.


They start going to the major cities and doing their charade but then they didn't arrive to their next destination. Investigation starts and the police fin...

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

If the opposite of pro is con...

Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.

I’m in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words,

I’m for joint support for joint support for joint support.

Kidnapping Congress

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar...

If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

What do you call a Soviet congress?

Commie con

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

People say congress is in a stalemate, but that isn’t true

In order for a stalemate you need black pieces

So there’s two Mathematicians and two Physicists getting a train to a Congress.

Before they buy tickets. While the Physicists got two tickets, the mathematicians only get one.
As soon as they see the conductor they both get into the same toilet. So when he knocks on the door they only push one ticket underneath the door.
On the way back, the Physicists buy one ticket only...

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

whats the difference between Congress and a condom?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*

"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...”

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government

so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your...

Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

What's the difference between an old vending machine and congress?

One accepts change but not dollars, the other accepts dollars but not change

Congress is shutting the government down

But have they tried turning it back on?

Why can’t Horses work in Congress?

Because they only ever vote, “NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH”

What do congress and an old library book have in common?

Bent over pages

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there w...

Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton?

Because she didn't win the election.

What does Congress do when they lose a game of CSGO?

They blame the Russians.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing marijuana.

It was a joint session.

Did you guys hear? Congress disbanded the CIA

Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You...

US Congress!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out British Hell, Russia...

What bill is the Congress's favorite?

Of course the $ bill!

The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result

The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals.

A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact w...

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

I don't care what anyone says,

America has the best congress that money can buy.

Stalin is giving a presentation to some of other USSR officials

Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Something different. A joke game using the names of members of Congress

[Use this list](http://www.house.gov/representatives/).

Boehner, Johnson, Cleaver, Young, Cotton, Cook, Bishop, Barber...

Seriously, there's a lot of comedy gold in these names if you put a little effort into it.

Example: The Johnson/Boehner/Cummings anti-pornography act.

Many ravens are called a congress...

Owls are a parliament, eagles are a convocation and crows are a murder.

Does this mean that a group of vultures are a corporation?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Congress Man And The Little Girl

[The Congressman and the Little Girl](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/11/the-congress-man-and-the-little-girl/)

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation w...

What is the difference between a prison guard and a member of Congress

One interacts with felons, half of which are probably innocent of crimes, and the other works on Capitol Hill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between a 'pro,' and a 'con?'

I wouldn't pay a constitute to piss on me.

How do we know these words are opposites?

They are derived from progress and congress.

Mathematicians and engineers traveling to a congress...

Every engineer has a train ticket, but the mathematicians only have one. The engineers wonder what they're about to do when one shouts "Conductor!"
They all run towards the toilet and hide inside. The conductor knocks and says "ticket please". One of them slides the ticket to the conductor throug...

A blonde and a lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the gam...

A priest and a rabbi walk into congress

Te priest turns to his friend and says "is this some kind of joke?"

In an alternate universe, the 2016 Presidential Election didn’t go as planned...

Let’s say it’s an alternate universe. The race is in between Bernie, Hilary, and Donald for position of POTUS. But since no one liked any of the candidates, nobody voted. Absolutely nobody. So Congress decides that this will be settled with an ACTUAL Presidential race. As in, the three candidates h...

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

Either way half of the members are stupid. The speaker doesn't see it.

At congress

**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are stupid.

**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.

**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not stupid.

**s...

So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?

Congress

A robber corners a well-dressed man in an alleyway...

“Take out your wallet and give me all your money!” The robber says, holding a gun to the man’s chest.

“You can’t do this!” says the well-dressed man. “I’m a senator in the U.S. Congress!”

The robber doesn’t lower his gun and replies:

“Well in that case, take out your wallet and ...

a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a meeting by train...

a group of mathematicians and a group of economists travel to a congress by train

the economists all buy a ticket, the mathematicians buy a single ticket for their whole group

when the conductor comes around, the economists all show their respective tickets

the mathematicians on...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks

Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes

I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.

Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
...

If I had a dollar for every corrupt politician...

I could probably buy one of them out in Congress.

Trump and Obama - oldie but goldie

It's time for Obama to step down. As a final duty Obama gives Trump the combination to the office safe and tells him, "There are three envelopes in there labelled "1", "2", and "3". If you end up in trouble, open envelope "1". He says his goodbyes and rides off into the sunset.

A couple of we...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

Trump doesn’t need to build the wall

Just move Congress to the border, they’ll never let anything through.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roses are red

Congress is red

The Senate is red

The White House is red

welp

Edit: insert communist pun here

Edit x2: what the fuck did i just get gold for this