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Congress Jokes

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

Ducks in congress...

Introduce their bills.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

Why couldn't the horse congress get anything done?

They vote "neigh" on everything

What's the difference between the Congress and my 30yr transister radio?

My radio still has a working speaker.

Who has the worst heart health in Congress?

George Santos. Every time he opens his mouth they have to defib him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

whats the difference between Congress and a condom?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

What's the difference between congress and a circus?

One is a Cunning array of Stunts...

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

There was a race to determine which was faster: Congress passing s bill, or a snail traveling 10 meters

The snail won by two weeks.

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 ...

I love the US Congress.

It's the best Congress that money can buy.

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

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Starbucks created a new specialty drink to honor all the candidates running for Congress.

It’s called the Fullacrappacino

In 1964 there was a circus outside the US Congress.

The circus left, but they forgot their 535 clowns

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

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If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

Some protestors are breaking into congress

I hear it is a capitol offense

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday...

...so abusive relationships do work

Why don't they use bookmarks in congress?

They just bend the pages.

Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys?

Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.

Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

What do American police have in common with American Congress?

They only serve and protect corporate interests.

I learned the other day that a group of baboons is called a Congress

I found it extremely insulting to the hard work and productivity of baboons.

Please stop calling Congress village idiots.

Village idiots are far less useless.

Why don't horses get elected to congress?

Because they are naysayers.

What do you call a Soviet congress?

Commie con

If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

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The Congress Man And The Little Girl

[The Congressman and the Little Girl](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/11/the-congress-man-and-the-little-girl/)

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation w...

Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing marijuana.

It was a joint session.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*

"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...”

US Congress!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

Did you hear the joke William Barr told Congress?

It was really funny. He said >![This section of the joke has been removed to protect the reputation of third party individuals.]!< It was really one of the better jokes he had told.

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

Why can’t horses run for Congress?

They would only vote “Nay”!

Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton?

Because she didn't win the election.

People say congress is in a stalemate, but that isn’t true

In order for a stalemate you need black pieces

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

Did you guys hear? Congress disbanded the CIA

Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

How long does it take congress to screw in a light bulb?

Three seconds, but the argument over which lightbulb lasted three years.

If opposite of pro is con. Then opposite of progress is congress...

By this logic Constitution will turn into Prostituition.

What does Congress do when they lose a game of CSGO?

They blame the Russians.

Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

Congress takes a lot of days off this time of year..

But it makes sense; I have 3 days off this week because I'm having a crazy party, Congress needs 6 days off because they have 2!

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

What's the difference between an old vending machine and congress?

One accepts change but not dollars, the other accepts dollars but not change

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Congress is looking into the issue of incels and how to best deal with them.

Democrats are sending therapists to help them cope with their issues and live a normal life.

Republicans are sending thots and prayers.

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Something different. A joke game using the names of members of Congress

[Use this list](http://www.house.gov/representatives/).

Boehner, Johnson, Cleaver, Young, Cotton, Cook, Bishop, Barber...

Seriously, there's a lot of comedy gold in these names if you put a little effort into it.

Example: The Johnson/Boehner/Cummings anti-pornography act.

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

Suppose you are an idiot and suppose you are a Member of Congress ?

But... I repeat myself

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

A priest and a rabbi walk into congress

Te priest turns to his friend and says "is this some kind of joke?"

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out British Hell, Russia...

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

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a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

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Government Joke

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" ...

Question for Radio Eriwan:

Question for Radio Eriwan: Is it correct that comrade Wassiljewitsch was arrested and sentenced to 35y of prison for calling comrade Stalin an idiot on the last party congress?

Answer:
Basically yes. He was immediately arrested and sentenced. And he was sentenced to 35y but not for insulti...

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night in the middle of sex...

I asked my wife who's pussy is this, and she said "Congress".

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobb...

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Roses are red

Congress is red

The Senate is red

The White House is red

welp

Edit: insert communist pun here

Edit x2: what the fuck did i just get gold for this

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