Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys?

Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

Stalin is at the Communist Party Congress

Stalin is at the Communist Party Congress. A member sneezes.

Stalin asks loudly: "Who sneezed, comrades?"

Scared, nobody responds.

Stalin asks again : "Come one, comrades, who sneezed?"

Because nobody responds, Stalin takes out his gun and shoots a random member and asks...

The opposite of a pro is a con.

The opposite of progress is Congress.

What do you call a chronically drunk congress?

A beerocracy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day little Billy's teacher told him to ask his parents what the government is

\--Dad, can you tell me about the government

\--Well, think of it like this, I'm the president, your mom is congress, the maid is the working force, you are the people and.... your little brother is the future.

\--I don't get it

Dad sent Billy to sleep telling him that he'll kno...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

Wayne Gretzky said you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

If Congress is any indication, you miss a lot of the ones you do take as well.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

Why don't they use bookmarks in congress?

They just bend the pages.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

What starts with Co-, ends with -s, and has been a real scourge to the USA lately?

Congress.

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

What’s the difference between Kindergarteners and Congress?

Kindergarteners grow up.

Abbott & Costello

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Righ...

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

Did you hear the joke William Barr told Congress?

It was really funny. He said >![This section of the joke has been removed to protect the reputation of third party individuals.]!< It was really one of the better jokes he had told.

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

Daddy, can we go see the clowns again?

For the last time, Billy, we are not visiting congress again.

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Congress is looking into the issue of incels and how to best deal with them.

Democrats are sending therapists to help them cope with their issues and live a normal life.

Republicans are sending thots and prayers.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress

But I repeat myself.

If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

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whats the difference between Congress and a condom?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

If the opposite of “pro” is “con,”

Then is the opposite of “progress” “Congress?”

My son says he came up with this. I thought it was pretty clever. Have you heard it before?

Congress wanted to make a "US tour" so that they could meet and greet the citizens

So they gather all up and jump into a bus, you know, to make people think they were not spending the people's taxes on plane tickets.


They start going to the major cities and doing their charade but then they didn't arrive to their next destination. Investigation starts and the police fin...

People say congress is in a stalemate, but that isn’t true

In order for a stalemate you need black pieces

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

What do you call a Soviet congress?

Commie con

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

About 50 years ago in Texas

The bee protection act was passed which made it illegal to sabotage/kill bees from other farmers.

This was due to the fact that many bee farmers would sabotage each other and it became so big that Texas congress had to pass a law.

The problem was so big that it allowed for capital puni...

Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress

As they lack a heart, mind, and courage

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a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

What's the difference between congress and a circus?

One is a Cunning array of Stunts...

Why will Congress never impeach Hillary Clinton?

Because she didn't win the election.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*

"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...”

Yesterday, both houses of Congress met to debate legalizing marijuana.

It was a joint session.

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

Did you guys hear? Congress disbanded the CIA

Because they realized that the American people don't want intelligence to be a part of government

What does Congress do when they lose a game of CSGO?

They blame the Russians.

Why can’t Horses work in Congress?

Because they only ever vote, “NEEEEIIIIGGGGHHH”

What do congress and an old library book have in common?

Bent over pages

What's the difference between an old vending machine and congress?

One accepts change but not dollars, the other accepts dollars but not change

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

A Bus Stop

On a bus stop in Washington DC, there were a cop, a nurse, a man in a suit, a philosopher and a priest. The cop spoke first:

Cop: ”Is this the right bus stop to Congress hill?”

Man in suit: ”yes”

Cop: ”Good. As it happens, there was this school shooting incident last week; I was...

A train carrying 12 members of congress derailed and hit a truck today

It was too crooked

Congress takes a lot of days off this time of year..

But it makes sense; I have 3 days off this week because I'm having a crazy party, Congress needs 6 days off because they have 2!

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result

The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals.

A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact w...

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The Congress Man And The Little Girl

[The Congressman and the Little Girl](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/11/the-congress-man-and-the-little-girl/)

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation w...

How many US Congress members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. They just hold it still and wait for the world to revolve around them.

Other jokes like, "If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?"

Just looking for some jokes similar to this one, playing on opposites and such.

US Congress!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Something different. A joke game using the names of members of Congress

[Use this list](http://www.house.gov/representatives/).

Boehner, Johnson, Cleaver, Young, Cotton, Cook, Bishop, Barber...

Seriously, there's a lot of comedy gold in these names if you put a little effort into it.

Example: The Johnson/Boehner/Cummings anti-pornography act.

What bill is the Congress's favorite?

Of course the $ bill!

What do you call a group of forgetful congressmen?

An oversight committee

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

Mathematicians and engineers traveling to a congress...

Every engineer has a train ticket, but the mathematicians only have one. The engineers wonder what they're about to do when one shouts "Conductor!"
They all run towards the toilet and hide inside. The conductor knocks and says "ticket please". One of them slides the ticket to the conductor throug...

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven



One to promote the project to the public and congress

One to write the bill and bring it to congress

One to approve the bill once it has been brought up

One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed

One to allocate the necessary funds from ...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a 'pro,' and a 'con?'

I wouldn't pay a constitute to piss on me.

How do we know these words are opposites?

They are derived from progress and congress.

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You...

A priest and a rabbi walk into congress

Te priest turns to his friend and says "is this some kind of joke?"

Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who s...

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

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