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Vote Jokes

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....

He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Why did homeless people vote for Obama?

Because he said he’d bring change.

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I may vote for it.

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my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...

Heard something on NPR that made me come up with this joke....What do you call it when the President can send you to war but you can't vote for the President?

Puerto Rico.

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Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the mo...

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.

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Voted best joke in ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She...

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

I voted for Jill Stein

Finally I'm part of the 1%

Don't vote for Joe because it is

forbiden

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

I think I'll vote the NSA for president...

...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

A vegan bitcoin investor who owns a Tesla, does CrossFit, and refused to vote in the last election walks into a bar

The real question is, what he’s going to bring up first?

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

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How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

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Why did the Jew vote for Obama?

Because he promised change.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

Two schoolgirls are talking about who to vote for Class President.

"I'm voting for Mark. He's so dreamy!"

"I'm not voting for that big horndog. Every time he sees me he gets turned on. He tries to act like it's not happening, but it's pretty obvious."

"So?"

"I'm not voting for an erection denier."

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

Why shouldn't you vote for a chicken?

When their day is over, they'll go for a coup.

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

Why did Wyoming grant women the right to vote nearly a century before the 19th Amendment?

It wasn’t hard to convince the 5 people who lived in Wyoming

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

With so many posts online telling me to vote, I kinda feel bad for not voting today

And I'm not even an American.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

Where do polar bears vote?

The North Poll.

When you're 18 you're old enough to vote but not to drink.

But if you look at who we have to vote for, you could use a drink.

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

Vote Trump 2016

We havent had a presidential assassination in a long time.






Note: Its a joke guys, on /r/jokes. Dont take it seriously :)

Vote wisely in November

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a...

Whats the difference between an up vote and a down vote?

Your perspective

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

A vegan, a bitcoin trader and someone who didn’t vote in 2016 all walk into a bar.

Who tells you about it first?

What do you call it when the people vote on legalizing weed?

A reeferendum.

Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump.

403 forbidden.

I vote Gabe Newell for president.

There will never be a World War 3.

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A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

How does Marjorie Taylor Green vote on Democrat sponsored bills?

Neigh

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

let robots vote like any other person

so they wont have to manipulate elections through social networks

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

Why didn't Sanders supporters vote for him on Super Tuesday?

Because they were too busy posting on Reddit

Vote early and vote often!

This *used* to be a real joke

Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.

Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, "When s your birthday?" She replied, 'June 10."

The clerk asked, "What year?"
The blonde said, "Every year."

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Vote for Gaben for president.

There will be no World War 3.


(stolen from a 4 year old comment on a portal 2 e3 2010 YouTube video).

Best way to cross a river. Vote now.

Roe v Wade.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

My wife said we should vote for a third party

I told her I vote for Janessa, if she's into it.

I was voted most artistic in Highschool

I was also voted most dyslexic

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

Nobody will up vote a cake day joke on my cake day.

I'm feeling desserted

My brain made a vote today

Seven against five decided that we did not have dissociative personality disorder.

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about bloody time.

Parliament vote on Picasso painting:

Eyes to the left: 2
Nose to the right: 1

A Spartan man and an Athenian man are arguing over which city is best

The Spartan man says " I think this should come down to a vote"

To which the Athenian agrees

The Spartan then says "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian says" I vote Athens"

The Spartans wife say "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian Wife says calmly"I don't get to vote"

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes?

Mr. President.

I told a man I was voting third party

He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"

"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."

Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?

Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.

Shoot! I forgot to vote...

If only the internet would have reminded me.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state.

D.C. voted overwhelmingly to be a state. If congress passes it we only need 2 more states to get to 53 which is a prime number. Then we will truly be one nation, indivisible.

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race

The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be.
Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea:
A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap aroun...

Kanye West Concedes After Failing to Get 0.5% of Vote in Early Returns

Now he is an electoral college drop out

Why can't horses vote?

'Cause their answer is always 'nay'.

I'm sorry, I'll leave...

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Why is Nevada taking so long to count the votes?

When Vegas found out someone was counting they beat the shit out of them and kicked them out.

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

What determines if an old person can stand in line to vote?

Depends.

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

Why is Trump so keen to stop counting votes?

His advisers are rushin...

I'm gonna vote for Trump at elections...

Cuz I a'int ever seen a president assassinated

A vote for communism...

...is a vote for everyone

Why did the dentist vote for Trump?

He likes to keep things white and straight.

Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should vote more submissive bisexuals into office...

Because they actually live to serve everyone.

If a husband and wife that both voted for Trump get divorced...

Are they still considered cousins?

(heard this at the family Thanksgiving get together today, my apologies if it's not new.. And apologies to Trump fans if it's offensive to you, I thought it was funny)

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