To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican is going to vote Democratic this fall.

This would never happen if he were still alive.

A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, "When s your birthday?" She replied, 'June 10."

The clerk asked, "What year?"
The blonde said, "Every year."

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

I've decided that I will not vote in the next election for the following reasons, please hear me out.





I'm 14

Why didn't Sanders supporters vote for him on Super Tuesday?

Because they were too busy posting on Reddit

Why i love being Russian

I get to vote in the US election



FYI: I am actually British and never have stepped foot in Russia

A Trump supporter dies and goes to the pearly gates…

There he sees St Peter and gets excited and walks towards the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "I want you to know, on the whole you were a good person, that's why you're going in. But we almost had to send you to hell because you voted for Trump."

"What do you mean? Trump is the best pre...

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

A Belarusian joke

A guy is walking down the street in Minsk, the capital of Belarus very close to the protests when suddenly a police car full of cops pulls up. The cops jump out of the car and start beating up the guy.

The poor guy then yells: "No, please, stop! I voted for Lukashenko!"

One of the cops...

Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

How to know if someone is a teenager on Reddit:

Edit: OMG! This is my most up voted comment ever! Thank you so much!

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Stalin, and COVID were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

COVID says "NONSENSE! I've kept everyone in quarantine for 6 months, ruined global economy, and killed hundreds of thousands of people. I am the most hate...

In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

Why did Rand Paul delay the vote on the COVID-19 response?

He wasn't sure how to vote and wanted to wait until he was positive.

In democracy your vote counts.

But in feudalism, your Count votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

Have you ever cheated?

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d like...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

It's not going to be easy for Joe Biden to earn the votes of Bernie's supporters.

Not even Bernie himself could do it.

After looking at the various candidates, I've decided we all need to vote for Thanos 2020

It'll be a "snap decision."

The riot police is beating a guy in Minsk violently...

The guy covers his face and screams "Please, don't beat me, I voted for Lukashenko!"
The policeman pauses, screams "You liar! Nobody voted for Lukashenko" and keeps beating him.

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

If Russia interfered in USA elections, that proves the system works just a little

At least someone's vote counts

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

Don't vote for Joe because it is

forbiden

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Why can’t horse committees accomplish anything?

They always vote “Neigh”.

We’ll probably see an uptick in write in votes for “Shakira’s hips” during this years election.

They - for one - at least do not lie

Is your refrigerator running?

...can I vote for it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

I hate guys who are too overconfident..

I really do.

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit: Thanks for the gold!

Edit: Thanks for the platinum!

After elections president Putin receives a call

- Mr. President I have two news, a good one and a bad one.
- Start from the good one.
- You got elected president again.
- And the bad one?
- No one voted for you.

What do you call a curvy girl who voted for Trump?

Thick with 3 K’s

I was voted the worst employee in the nursing home recently.

I don't care.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Vote for Gaben for president.

There will be no World War 3.


(stolen from a 4 year old comment on a portal 2 e3 2010 YouTube video).

let robots vote like any other person

so they wont have to manipulate elections through social networks

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Joke from my Russian friend about the last presidential election:

Advisor: Putin! I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Putin: The good news of course.

Advisor: You won the election!

Putin: So then whats the bad news?

Advisor: No one voted for you.

Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?

Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.

My family voted on whether we should go to a Burmese or Laotian restaurant...

...we ended up in a Thai

Me - "Arab countries are so backward, there most of married girls can't even vote on Soacial Media polls without asking their husbands."

Friend - "That's not the truth, there is no such law Arab countries"
Me - "But you need to have a guardian permission to sign up into Social Media if you are less than 13 years old"

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?

Because they didn't want to elect ron

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a band

If I ever started a band I'd vote to name it something like "dicks in the ass" so when it was brought up in conversation, it would go something like this:

Person 1: Dude! I heard this awesome song yesterday!

Person 2: Oh yeah? Who wrote it?!

Person 1: Dicks in the ass

P...

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