My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....

He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.

The Vote for Heaven or Hell

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with...

“Me and my fellow wheelchair users are appalled this congress voted down the wheelchair accessibility bill,” the senator exclaimed.

“We will not stand for this.”

I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...

Why shouldn't you vote for a chicken?

When their day is over, they'll go for a coup.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

A politician visits a remote village to garner some votes. He gathers a group of villagers and ask what problems they face.

One guy says crying "sir, we have not had water for months, our crops are dying, we are suffering"

On hearing this the politician takes out his phone and talks into it. "I want all the fields washed with water poured from helicopters." He puts the phone back in his pocket and asks " Ok, what...

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend says if this gets a thousand up votes she'll let me try anal

please don't her strap on is huge

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

What do you call it when the people vote on legalizing weed?

A reeferendum.

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

Joe Biden is not my president. I didn't vote for him!!!

No seriously guys he's not my president. Im from Nepal. I didn't vote for him.

P.S. Congrats US for taking the first step towards undoing the 4 years of chaos.

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voted best joke in ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She...

Why was it illegal to vote for Trump in the 2020 election?

It was strictly forbiden.

364 days of the year I agree with Marie Antoinette

But today, let them vote cake.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

My friend GLADOS said there would be cake for me today

But all I see is praise and up votes. I'm starting to think the cake is a lie.



Boy it's hot in here too

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Democrats hoard their gas in biodegradable containers, and Republicans hoard their gas in non-biodegradable containers, then who did the people who hoard their gas in plastic bags vote for?

The Greene Party.

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

How does Marjorie Taylor Green vote on Democrat sponsored bills?

Neigh

Nobody will up vote a cake day joke on my cake day.

I'm feeling desserted

When you're 18 you're old enough to vote but not to drink.

But if you look at who we have to vote for, you could use a drink.

Why is Trump so keen to stop counting votes?

His advisers are rushin...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.

In democracy your vote counts.

But in feudalism, your Count votes.

A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, "When s your birthday?" She replied, 'June 10."

The clerk asked, "What year?"
The blonde said, "Every year."

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.

It’s true...

I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican is going to vote Democratic this fall.

This would never happen if he were still alive.

If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada

They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about bloody time.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

It's 1860 in the Bowery. A prim Anglo woman knocks on the door of an Irish catholic immigrant...

She says, "I'm here supporting James Mason for mayor. He wants to increase money for public schools."

"What's he want to do that for?" the Irish woman asks.

"Well, he believes in the importance of education."

The Irish woman seems confused. "That's it? His sister doesn't work...

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I may vote for it.

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

Why did so many Republicans vote for Joe Biden this year? (TW: Political, bad taste)

If you’re red, and you fail to take care of your voters during a respiratory virus pandemic...they turn blue.

How do ghosts obtain money?

Via a polterheist. Ouch, the downvotes!

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

Stupid joke I just made up...

There was a pair of twins called Harold and Aruld who decided to do a social experiment. Harold would act all nice, polite and friendly, whereas Aruld would act rude, outspoken and brash. They went into a few stores and conversed with some customers and staff, and afterwards a representative went in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Nevada taking so long to count the votes?

When Vegas found out someone was counting they beat the shit out of them and kicked them out.

What does a president who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Why didn't Sanders supporters vote for him on Super Tuesday?

Because they were too busy posting on Reddit

Kanye West Concedes After Failing to Get 0.5% of Vote in Early Returns

Now he is an electoral college drop out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

Why don’t horse’s governments ever get anything done?

Because they always vote neigh

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

What determines if an old person can stand in line to vote?

Depends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

If you are wondering how Trump got almost half the votes.

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”




Thank you George Carlin's for the punch line

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

The errors 404 and 403 went to vote, 404 voted for Trump.

403 forbidden.

My wife said we should vote for a third party

I told her I vote for Janessa, if she's into it.

All my social media apps and people I know keep telling me to vote...

I’ve probably cast like 40 ballots by now, and they STILL won’t stop telling me to do it!

It's pretty sad that even though women have had the right to vote for 100 years now...

we still spend more time talking about mail ballots.

I listened to him boast about standing head and shoulders above the rest and how he felt it was acceptable, even encouraged, to look down on others. I realized I couldn’t cast a vote for this man.

He was a height supremacist.

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