UPJOKE
outcomeconclusionresolutiondeterminationchoicemoveselectionjudgmentresultterminationdecideresolveoptionfinal resultpick

Decision Jokes

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

I want to fix the roof at our shop, but my boss says only he is allowed to make that decision...

The problem is over my head.

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."

I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.

[crickets]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"...
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
...

In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line.

The decision left many scratching their heads.

Have you listened to Beethoven's song about bad decisions?

It's so not a good idea

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.

Roe vs Wade

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

A farmer once hired a worker to help with his farm…

The first day, he assigned him to chop wood. By the end of the day, he had chopped more wood than 2 people. the farmer was amazed.
The second day, the farmer assigned him to mend fences. By the end of the day, he had fixed all of the broken fences on the farm. The farmer was astounded.
On th...

Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content

Then again, I've seen Stranger Things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

Valentine's Day gift decision - candle making kit or cat o' 9 tails?

I decided I'd rather she helped dip my wick

If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community

That would be a reservation reservation reservation.

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”

I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”

Did you hear about the guy who decided to explore his sadness fetish?

A decision he would come to regret

My wife and I have reached that difficult decision. We do not want children.

So, If anybody does, please just send me your contact details

and we can drop them off even tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

Elon Musk has been making bad decisions since getting his hairplugs

He needs toupee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve made the decision I’m not going to have kids.

They are gonna be pissed off when I tell them.

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

I'm 35 years old but because I'm an alcoholic who makes bad decisions, I have the liver of a 65-year-old.

I really don't know what to do, but I hope I can find a buyer with connections in the black market or else I'll have to just get rid of it before I get caught..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Practical Decision

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn...

"Think before you jump," I said, my palms sweating. "It might not be the right decision..."

"You take bouncy castles too seriously," my son replied.

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

I can proudly say that I'm the head of the family and whatever decisions I make are final

I even got my wife's permission to say so

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

Every decision you made in your life has led you up to reading this moment

You made some poor choices.

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fishing channel or porn channel?

A married couple are laying in bed, flipping through channels while the decide what to watch. The husband has the remote, and he is constantly flipping through the fishing channel and the porn channel. Eventually, the wife makes the decision.

"Look, you can just leave it on the porn channel,"...

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision

It helps you reflect.

Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions?

They can’t trust their gut

Following the protests, Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

Agreement

My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family...

Woke up this morning and we still don't have a decision on who our next president will be.

It's Unpresidented

I'm 30 years old and I finally made the decision to live alone...

I already left my parents' bags out of the house

I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early

I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

How do one handed people make decisions?

Well, on the one hand...

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a man is trying to take a decision it is often a struggle between his head and his heart

... then his penis walks in and says,


“Relax Guys! I got this”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

I went to the liquor store on a bike once

I bought a bottle of an expensive scotch, but I was worried I would tip over on my bike on my way home, and break the bottle. So instead, I drank the entire bottle before I got on the bike. Turned out to be a very good decision, as I tipped over at least 10 times on my way home.

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

After waking up with a hangover everyday for a month, I've decided to make a life changing decision

I'm going to drink more water before bed

what do you call arnold Schwarzenegger when he is takes decisions ?

the determinator

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow gets stolen from a family…

The mother cries to her three sons, “Boys! Some prick has stolen our cow!”

The first son says, “If it’s a prick, it must be someone from Randville”

The second son, “If it’s someone from Randville, they must be short”

The third son, “If it’s someone short from Randville, it must ...

I don’t always make good decisions...

But when I do I call my parents to see if they made the same mistake I’m about to make.

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

The decision ...

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

You are stuck in a desert and very thirsty, you have a decision to choose two bottles of water, one that's pee, and one that's blood. Which one would you choose?

If I was a normal person, I would choose the two bottles of water.

I love women with tattoos

It shows a history of poor decision making which generally works in my favor.

Red neck decision making

A redneck family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.

Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied “i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family”

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

What's the difference between a woman and a government-owned gestation vat?

This morning's Supreme Court decision.

How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

Can someone help me with a decision?

Are we buying school supplies come August or more alcohol and weed?

Trump visits a pig farm.

Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.

Finally the editor makes t...

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

I went to the liquor store by bike the other day

I was afraid I could fall and break the bottle of whisky on the way back so I decided to drink it all right there

It was the best decision of my life because on the way back I fell off my bike like three times

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

It turns out I was guilty of a major misconception with this whole abortion thing

I thought "Row vs Wade" was a decision shipwreck survivors had to make

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting in a bar

enjoying a drink a man is surprised when a stunning blonde sits down next to him and says "Hi Steve!"

"Well hello, gorgeous. How did you know my name? I'm certain I'd remember meeting you!"

"Steve, don't you recognize me? It's DAVE!"

"Dave?! Dave the quarterback from high school...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

When I was younger, I was given the decision to either be really popular or have a good memory.

To be honest, I forgot which one I chose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

The wife wanted a new mattress, but I wasn’t sure about the decision.

I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

When I found out my girlfriend was pregnant I had an important decision to make.

Did I want a window seat or an aisle one?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men name their penises?

We want to be on a first name basis with the one who makes all our decisions for us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

What is Roe versus Wade?

A: the decision General Washington made before crossing the Delaware.

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

ive made the decision to become a baker

i just really knead the dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took some balls to make this decision

Im getting a vasectomy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."

Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Always wank before making a big decision

I've been following this principle until I got fired from my job at Wallstreet investing company. They said I spent way too much time on bathroom breaks.

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

Judge Makes Decision In Child Abuse Case

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child c...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.