My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Why was the big fat guy good at making decisions?

He could trust his gut

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

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When a man is trying to take a decision it is often a struggle between his head and his heart

... then his penis walks in and says,


“Relax Guys! I got this”

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Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

Every decision you made in your life has led you up to reading this moment

You made some poor choices.

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early

I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work

Red neck decision making

A redneck family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.

Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied “i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family”

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

Not to brag or anything

but I don’t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

Comrade Khrushchev goes to a pig farm and he is photographed there.

In the village newspaper office, there was a heated discussion about how to caption the photograph. “Pigs and Comrade Khrushchev”? “Comrade Khrushchev Among Pigs”? None will do. The editor finally makes a decision: “Third From Left: Comrade Khrushchev.”

Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.

I don’t always make good decisions...

But when I do I call my parents to see if they made the same mistake I’m about to make.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; ...

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A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

The decision ...

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

What do you call Arnold Schwarzenegger when he makes decisions?

Determinator

My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

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The government has decided to ban all alcohol adverts on pornography websites

When asked, an official commented:

'We made this decision for the wellbeing of the kids who watch it'

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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to t...

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

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Why do men name their penis?

Because they don't want a total stranger making their decisions for them

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

A viola player goes into a music shop

The shop assistant asks what he would like and the viola player says "Well, I've been playing the viola for years and I'm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don't know the first thing about music, so I'm thinking about taking up another instrument".

"Do y...

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

My Dermatologist was fired today...

I'm told he made too many rash decisions.

I tried swallowing a tablet without water before

And I have to say it wasn’t easy or even the best of decisions. Everyone at the Samsung store seems to agree.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

When I found out my girlfriend was pregnant I had an important decision to make.

Did I want a window seat or an aisle one?

Times were tough at the Daily Planet and Perry White was forced to fire a star reporter. Either Lois Lane or Clark Kent.

He struggled making a decision for days until he went to the grocery store and saw a sign. The next day he called both of them into his office where fired Lois Lane. After she left, Clark Kent asked him, "Perry, how did you decide which of us to fire?" He replied, "I couldn't make a decision until I...

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A man shows up in Hell

Satan himself is there to meet him. He asks tells the man he is going to give him a choice between three eternities.


The first eternity, every sinner there is standing on their head on broken glass, forever being sliced open and bled out.


The second eternity, every sinner is...

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Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

My friend doesn't know if he wants the new Xbox X or PS5

A couple of us have tried giving him advice but he's still very troubled about the decision. Nobody can console him.

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I was masturbating to a debate.

I've made a lot of questionable decisions to end up here, but at least I came to the right conclusion.

When I was younger, I was given the decision to either be really popular or have a good memory.

To be honest, I forgot which one I chose.

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

The wife wanted a new mattress, but I wasn’t sure about the decision.

I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

Social Club

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
<...

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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

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A Soldier's True Mettle

Canada, Mexico and The USA decide to test their three best soldiers in the ultimate test of a soldier's ability to deal with extreme situations. Each man is given a gun, placed in front of a door and told to walk in and kill whoever is in the room. With a deep breath, each walks in.

After 5 ...

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

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If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

Turns out I need glasses for reading...

So I made the difficult decision to stop reading.

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

My father looked me in the eyes and sagely advised, “ Son, find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

People are quick to judge crowds at bars after reopening..

It’s a bar, by definition that’s where people go to make bad decisions.

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

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Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

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It took some balls to make this decision

Im getting a vasectomy.

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Three girls walk into a bar

Three girls walk into a bar looking for a job. They hand their resumes to the hiring manager. The manager says "As much as I would like to hire all of you, I only have room for one of you. Since your resumes are so similar when it comes to work experience, I will hire the girl that best responds ...

I know why women have a hard time making decisions

Last time they did, they doomed humanity.

I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive.

I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision.

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

Disney is looking to take the American Secret Service to court

The secret service higher ups made a decision to change how agents assigned to the president can give the president an order while under fire.

They will no longer say “Get down Mr President!”

Instead it’ll be “Donald, Duck!”

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

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Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

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Why did the Alabama family pay for their daughter’s butt implants?

It was a decision they could all get behind

A Woman Was Redecorating Her House

But when it came time to choose her window curtains, she was torn between two different shades of blue. One set was a darker shade - which matched the sofa, and the other was a lighter shade - which matched the chair. No matter how she tried to justify one over the other, she could not come to a dec...

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer?

In the end it was a unannymoose decision

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

My friend asked for advice on buying a bed

I told him "before you make a decision, you should sleep on it"

Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the q...

A judge was hearing a case between two parties.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honor...

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

A few weeks ago my sister took a trip to Italy

Looking back, that was a Sicily decision

Genie in a Bottle

A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much.



The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest ...

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

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A guy and gal from Alabama get married

They have a very nice wedding and both families get along well. A few months later comes the honeymoon. They fly out to Hawaii. on the first night the girl tells her new husband that she is still a virgin. The husband leaves immediately and goes home to talk to his dad. The dad says “what are you do...

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Expidition of two scientists

Two scientists start an expedition to explore a deserted island.

On the second day of their expidition, they ran into a group of indigenous, the natives bound the two scientists and bring them to their village. The chief of the tribal approaches and says „**DEATH or BUMM BUMM?**“. The two sc...

2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn't the murderer, then the judge interrupted me....

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

Golden Wedding Secret

A husband and wife were coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary, and the wife had grown curious about a box under their bed. It had a lock on it, and had been present ever since she married him. On the night of their golden wedding anniversary, the wife decided it was time she found out what was...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

Judge Makes Decision In Child Abuse Case

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child c...

After looking at the various candidates, I've decided we all need to vote for Thanos 2020

It'll be a "snap decision."

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