Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

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If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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It took some balls to make this decision

Im getting a vasectomy.

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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

My grandparents are great.

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

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Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

What do you call a clown that makes good financial decisions?

Pennywise.

Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

I’ve been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever!

Now my 8 year old son doesn’t have to touch my beloved PC!

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive.

I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision.

Ever since I turned 30 I started making bold decisions.

I really miss my hair.

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

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Why does a man name his penis?

Because he doesn't want a total stranger making 90% of his decisions.

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."

What's the best day to make a decision?

Tuesday

Judge Makes Decision In Child Abuse Case

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child c...

Why does Batman have such a hard time making decisions?

Because he grapples with lots of things

When Dr. Samuel Johnson had finished his first English dictionary, he was visited by a delegation of "London's Respectable Womanhood" who came to his parlor at Fleet St. and said, "Doctor, we congratulate you on your decision to exclude all indecent words from your dictionary." And he said...

"Ladies, I congratulate you on your persistence in looking them up."

Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

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Why do gays make bad decisions?

Because they're never thinking straight.

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

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Always wank before making a big decision

I've been following this principle until I got fired from my job at Wallstreet investing company. They said I spent way too much time on bathroom breaks.

I made an irrational decision today...

I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident, He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call;

I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or
Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows
'95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before in your case; I'm going to let you decide...

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

Your wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have a decision to make....

Fish or chicken for dinner?

What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

Girlfriend and I got into a fight last night. She was mad because I couldn't put a ring on her finger. So I decided to just call it quits and pull the plug. I'll be fine but I think the decision left her pretty deflated.

So I packed her up and put her in the closet.

"Mr. Obama, how exactly does someone impeach a president?" "The american people have made their decision. To suggest we impeach a president before he's had a chance is an outrage! Regardless of your opinions and the flawed system we're under the election was held fair and square...

...Now would you *please* stop asking that, Mr. Trump?"

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Business Decision

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.

' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom &...

I heard beer can really help your friends with decision making.

It's true. Beer makes a bud wiser.

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always ...

If you were to second guess your decision to stay at a hotel on a native american reserve...

....that would be a reservation reservation reservation

-credit to Brian Regan

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

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An old Scot reflects on life decisions

An old Scottish man sitting in a pub. Drunk off his ass and rambling.
"You see that church across the street? I build that church with me own two hands, but no one walks the town proclaiming, 'oh, there goes Magnus, the church-builder'.
And you see these windows? I put these windows in with me...

"making decisions"

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
.
Student: Well...yes and no.

How is a Catholic 6-year old different from a vegan cat?

While we all know who's making that
decision, at least one of the two won't have meat forced into their mouth.

I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist.

I refuse to make rash decisions.

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Decision Time

A man who had been seeing three different women decided it was time to settle down and get married. The problem was, he couldn't decide which woman to ask to marry him. Then he had an idea: he'd give $1,000 to each of them and whatever they did with the money would influence his decision.

S...

It's find it a tough decision to buy the right mattress...

I guess I'll have to sleep on it.

What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

...

When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt.

I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.

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One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden

"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god

"What are they?" Adam Replied

"Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve."

"That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?"

"That would be a penis,...

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who says homosexuality isn’t a decision?

i turn women gay all the time.

I only go for women that smoke.

Because I know they’re prepared to make bad decisions.

Palpatine goes to a doctor

He says to the doctor he's depressed, says life is harsh and cruel. How could he make such decisions under the weight of an empire?

Doctor says 'Not a word! The solution is simple.' He says 'You see the most powerful politicians of the galaxy has gathered in this city - the Senate itself has ...

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch ...

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Decisions, decisions, decisions.

A man dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says to the man, "There is really nothing extremely good nor bad about your life to determine your fate. You'll have to spend 24 hours in Heaven and in Hell, then choose where you wish to spend eternity."
The man thinks for a momen...

The day I let a dog make decisions for me

....Is the day I go blind.

My son recently told me that he identifies as a woman

He’s planning on going through treatments to become a full blown woman.
I am 100% supportive of this and wish him the best with all of his decisions.

But, ever since he’s came out to me, I’ve noticed that people seem to not notice me.
It started small with people not seeing me and bu...

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

I had to make a difficult decision when arrested at the border on the way to Mecca...

I was caught between Iraq and a Hajj place.

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

A man finds a genie in a bottle…

Naturally, he was granted 3 wishes. But this was no ordinary ‘Genie In A Bottle’ - his requirements are that whatever the beholder wishes for, his mother-in-law got double. Although he despised his mother-in-law (and likewise with her feelings towards him), he knew made the best of this situation....

Zeroing a scale is a tare-able decision

.
.
.
I'm sorry

A group of friends went deer hunting.

They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.

“Where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.

“He fainted a coup...

Former Vice President Joe’s taking forever to announce running in 2020

I guess he’s just Biden his time.

I wonder what his decision dePence on, is he afraid that he will be Chene’d to it?

The Worst Bar on the Beach

Ben and his friends decided to visit the worst bar on the beach in Clearwater, FL.

The beer was warm, the food was bad, and the service was terrible. But all across the ceiling, various types of meet were displayed- turkey, bacon, ham, pork loin- you name it.

But Ben persevered and m...

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A joke about blackboards, and yes it is a ‘chalk’ pun, so don’t get your hopes up

Two guys, Will and Arnie, are warehouse workers for a company that sells blackboards. Every morning on the shipping dock, their job is to take the blackboards from inventory and load them into the delivery trucks. Now, the thing is, the company has started to ramp up production, and they’ve been fil...

Should use this moon stone on my Jigglypuff?

I can't decide, it is such a Tuff decision

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A difficult decision

A man had been dating three women on and off for a while. He didn't know whom to ask to marry, so he gave each woman $1000 to do with as they would.

The first woman spent it on plastic surgery and make up, and she returned to the man saying "I want to always be beautiful for you, my dear."...

Your Lawyer and your Wife are drowning! Quick! You must make a decision!!

Should you go to the movies, or order pizza?

Kanye & Kim were discussing their decision to name their child North West

They agreed that next time they would fly with Virgin

Mirror Joke

A mirror was born to an extremely poor family. He went to school, worked hard, and eventually got a full scholarship to Harvard. He graduated with a PhD and started a company. The years went by and his company became hugely successful. Eventually, he decided it was time for him to retire. He had to ...

Irishman Murphy applied for a fermen-tation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to gi...

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes....

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Physicians were unable to reach a consensus:

Should Brexit take place?

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetrician...

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An executive was in a quandary.

He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two people, Mary and Jack. It was a hard decision to make as they were both equally qualified, and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Mary came ...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

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Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

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A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

A newlywed couple were renovating their new house.

When they came to do the kitchen, they couldn’t decide on which sink to choose. There were loads of nice looking models in the catalogue, and there were quite a few that matched the other decor.

One day, they were in the kitchen trying to finally decide on which one to choose. All of a sudden...

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

A man walks into a restaurant​...

A man walks into a restaurant,

He sits down, and a waiter comes over.

The waiter says: "You see those meats stuck up there on the ceiling?"

The man says: "yeah, I do..."

Waiter: "If you can jump up and touch those meats, I will give you $250,000... but if you jump up and...

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A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

My wife’s cheating, forgive me for those who know

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot rec...

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby ...

A blonde dyes her hair brown and goes for a drive in the countryside

While she is driving, she stops for a shepherd who is crossing with some sheep.
She asks,"If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd replies,"Sure, why not"
So the blonde (now brunette) thinks for a while and says,"261"
The number is right, so the shepherd...

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

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A man wife and their dog go hunting every Sunday.

One dreary Sunday morning the wife turns to her husband and says, “Honey, I don’t feel like going out today; I don’t feel well and it’s raining”

“What? We go hunting every Sunday! Get out of bed you’ll be fine” says the husband.

Wife says “ I’m not in the mood at all. We can always go ...

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your...