Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.

Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

When I was younger, I was given the decision to either be really popular or have a good memory.

To be honest, I forgot which one I chose.

The wife wanted a new mattress, but I wasn’t sure about the decision.

I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep

Easiest decision of my life

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

An officer pulls over some guy

Officer: “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Motorist: “No, officer. Nope. No way. I’m a non-drinker now. I gave up drinking and a haven’t touched a drop since.”

Officer: “That’s great to hear, sir. Congratulations!”

Motorist: “Thank you, officer. Yep, best decision of my life.”
<...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse decided to divorce Minnie Mouse

At the court, The judge said to Mickey, “So you made the decision to divorce Minnie because she was crazy?” Mickey then replied and said “No, it was because she was fucking Goofy”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive.

I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

My IQ is huge

###**13**

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

I’ve been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever!

Now my 8 year old son doesn’t have to touch my beloved PC!

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

A husband and wife were having dinner...

...at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?"

The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."

The wife an...

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them.

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

I go to Popeyes' to get the kids something to eat.

Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg.

So I said “kids meal with the leg”

And the lady says “which side?”


Me- \*complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision


“I guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”


Af...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says “a round on me, I’m getting married”

“I had to make a difficult decision between 3 women”
The bartender asks “oh yeah, how so?”
“Well,” says the man “I had 3 potential brides so I decided to do an experiment. I gave each woman $1000 to see what they would do with it.”

The man goes on “the first was Lucy. She spent the mone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, get the fuck outta here you damn horse, last time you were here you shit on the floor!" And the horse says "Aw come man, I just want a drink." And the bartender says "Well I just want you to get out!" And the horse says "Yeah, well I fucked your ...

Dermatologist here. I can't decide whether to specialise in psoriasis, or dermatitis. This indecision has put my career back 10 years.

I can't make a rash decision.

There’s only one reason I don’t ask out girls who like me.

I don’t date people with poor-decision making skills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MTF trans people deserve a lot of credit if they get sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision takes balls.

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

When we got married 50 years ago my wife and I made a pact...

In our life together, I would make all of the big decisions and she would make all the little decisions. For 50 years that held true and is why our marriage has been so successful. The most peculiar thing is that in those 50 years there hasn't even been one big decision!

Anxiety is like a roller coaster

*Makes a decision.
Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Say it out loud.

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terrible Business

Business had been terrible and was not picking up.



I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.



It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.



Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the fir...

Happy marriage

One day a young man asks his grandfather, "How have you and Grandma had successful marriage?"

The old man replies "When we first got married we made a very important agreement. As the man, I would handle all of the big important decisions. Then she would handle all the smaller less importan...

I only go for women that smoke.

Because I know they’re prepared to make bad decisions.

Palpatine goes to a doctor

He says to the doctor he's depressed, says life is harsh and cruel. How could he make such decisions under the weight of an empire?

Doctor says 'Not a word! The solution is simple.' He says 'You see the most powerful politicians of the galaxy has gathered in this city - the Senate itself has ...

How is a Catholic 6-year old different from a vegan cat?

While we all know who's making that
decision, at least one of the two won't have meat forced into their mouth.

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

The Worst Bar on the Beach

Ben and his friends decided to visit the worst bar on the beach in Clearwater, FL.

The beer was warm, the food was bad, and the service was terrible. But all across the ceiling, various types of meet were displayed- turkey, bacon, ham, pork loin- you name it.

But Ben persevered and m...

A group of friends went deer hunting.

They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.

“Where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.

“He fainted a coup...

Mirror Joke

A mirror was born to an extremely poor family. He went to school, worked hard, and eventually got a full scholarship to Harvard. He graduated with a PhD and started a company. The years went by and his company became hugely successful. Eventually, he decided it was time for him to retire. He had to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Physicians were unable to reach a consensus:

Should Brexit take place?

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetrician...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

Should use this moon stone on my Jigglypuff?

I can't decide, it is such a Tuff decision

A man finds a genie in a bottle…

Naturally, he was granted 3 wishes. But this was no ordinary ‘Genie In A Bottle’ - his requirements are that whatever the beholder wishes for, his mother-in-law got double. Although he despised his mother-in-law (and likewise with her feelings towards him), he knew made the best of this situation....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

Former Vice President Joe’s taking forever to announce running in 2020

I guess he’s just Biden his time.

I wonder what his decision dePence on, is he afraid that he will be Chene’d to it?

A newlywed couple were renovating their new house.

When they came to do the kitchen, they couldn’t decide on which sink to choose. There were loads of nice looking models in the catalogue, and there were quite a few that matched the other decor.

One day, they were in the kitchen trying to finally decide on which one to choose. All of a sudden...

A corrupt politician manages to sneak a number of loopholes in to a new law that gave him ownership of several hotels in Seville and Valencia

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn decision

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

My son recently told me that he identifies as a woman

He’s planning on going through treatments to become a full blown woman.
I am 100% supportive of this and wish him the best with all of his decisions.

But, ever since he’s came out to me, I’ve noticed that people seem to not notice me.
It started small with people not seeing me and bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.

The doctor started the procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby ...

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

A man walks into a restaurant​...

A man walks into a restaurant,

He sits down, and a waiter comes over.

The waiter says: "You see those meats stuck up there on the ceiling?"

The man says: "yeah, I do..."

Waiter: "If you can jump up and touch those meats, I will give you $250,000... but if you jump up and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself.

When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.

I get the appeal of being an anti-vaxxer...

Choosing to "be an anti-vaxxer for life" is a much shorter-term commitment than many other "for life" decision.

Just another pirate joke

So there is an amphibian who grew up as a tadpole, and every day, he would see these giant ships passing around him and wanted to take a ride on one.

He asked several captains of the ships if he could ride with them but they all turned them down, saying "What use would I have for an amphibian...

A blonde dyes her hair brown and goes for a drive in the countryside

While she is driving, she stops for a shepherd who is crossing with some sheep.
She asks,"If I can guess the amount of sheep you have, can I keep one?"
The shepherd replies,"Sure, why not"
So the blonde (now brunette) thinks for a while and says,"261"
The number is right, so the shepherd...

A man, his wife, and his friend are running from zombies during the apocalypse.

After hours of running they finally find shelter in a old pub they used to frequent, before the world was ending.

They begin scouting for supplies when the man notices blood on his wife's shirt.

"Honey, what is that there, on your clothes?" he asks her.

"Nothing!" she says quick...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.