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Decision Jokes

I asked my dad to tell me a decision he regretted.

I must have stumped him because he just kept staring at me.
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Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"...
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
...
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My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."
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A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”
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My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.
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The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard
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I had to make a tough decision. I asked my wife, "Can I pick your brain?"

She said, "You can… but I'm surprised you wouldn't pick my tits."

Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.

Roe vs Wade
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A Practical Decision

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn...

Have you listened to Beethoven's song about bad decisions?

It's so not a good idea
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Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...
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Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves
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Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.
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Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content

Then again, I've seen Stranger Things
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My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”
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Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...
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How do one handed people make decisions?

Well, on the one hand...
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Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...
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Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.
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The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.
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Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...
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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."
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I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.

[crickets]
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Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.
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I want to fix the roof at our shop, but my boss says only he is allowed to make that decision...

The problem is over my head.
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The decision ...

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”
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Elon Musk has been making bad decisions since getting his hairplugs

He needs toupee
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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision

It helps you reflect.
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Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions?

They can’t trust their gut
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Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me
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What do you call someone who thinks they're right just because they make decisions?

An Ergomaniac.
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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

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I’ve made the decision I’m not going to have kids.

They are gonna be pissed off when I tell them.

Red neck decision making

A redneck family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.

Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied “i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family”
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Decisions, decisions, decisions.

A man dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says to the man, "There is really nothing extremely good nor bad about your life to determine your fate. You'll have to spend 24 hours in Heaven and in Hell, then choose where you wish to spend eternity."
The man thinks for a momen...

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?
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TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...
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"Think before you jump," I said, my palms sweating. "It might not be the right decision..."

"You take bouncy castles too seriously," my son replied.
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What's the best day to make a decision?

Tuesday
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I'm 30 years old and I finally made the decision to live alone...

I already left my parents' bags out of the house
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I made the decision to have "the talk" with my son very early

I chose 5 a.m so he wasn't late for work
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If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community

That would be a reservation reservation reservation.
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A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.
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Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.
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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

what do you call arnold Schwarzenegger when he is takes decisions ?

the determinator
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Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course
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I can proudly say that I'm the head of the family and whatever decisions I make are final

I even got my wife's permission to say so
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If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication
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A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...
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An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...
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Business Decision

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.

' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom &...

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.
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My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.
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Decision Time

A man who had been seeing three different women decided it was time to settle down and get married. The problem was, he couldn't decide which woman to ask to marry him. Then he had an idea: he'd give $1,000 to each of them and whatever they did with the money would influence his decision.

S...

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It took some balls to make this decision

Im getting a vasectomy.

Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."
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Woke up this morning and we still don't have a decision on who our next president will be.

It's Unpresidented
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A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”
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My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.
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Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol
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My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.
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Judge Makes Decision In Child Abuse Case

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child c...
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If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

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Always wank before making a big decision

I've been following this principle until I got fired from my job at Wallstreet investing company. They said I spent way too much time on bathroom breaks.

I made an irrational decision today...

I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.
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Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

"making decisions"

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
.
Student: Well...yes and no.
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Why do gays make bad decisions?

Because they're never thinking straight.

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When a man is trying to take a decision it is often a struggle between his head and his heart

... then his penis walks in and says,


“Relax Guys! I got this”

I told my doctor I wanted to get a vasectomy. He said “well now, that’s a big decision. Have you talked about this with your family?”

I said “yeah, and they’re in favor 14-3.”
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How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.
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A knife is like a penis…

It’s not about how big it is, it’s about how effective you are at making someone regret their decisions when you whip it out.

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Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

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A difficult decision

A man had been dating three women on and off for a while. He didn't know whom to ask to marry, so he gave each woman $1000 to do with as they would.

The first woman spent it on plastic surgery and make up, and she returned to the man saying "I want to always be beautiful for you, my dear."...

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

Ever since I turned 30 I started making bold decisions.

I really miss my hair.
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In a surprising announcement, Head & Shoulders have decided to discontinue their popular anti dandruff shampoo line.

The decision left many scratching their heads.
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It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.
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This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.
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A husband and wife were having dinner

They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.


His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mist...
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Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them
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What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth
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How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

...
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The subject of abortion is a tricky decision for me

One the one hand, I'm all for killing babies, but on the other it gives women a choice.
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A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive.

I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision.
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I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell...
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When I was younger, I was given the decision to either be really popular or have a good memory.

To be honest, I forgot which one I chose.
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Your wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have a decision to make....

Fish or chicken for dinner?
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In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.
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The wife wanted a new mattress, but I wasn’t sure about the decision.

I told her I’d have to sleep on it.
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When I found out my girlfriend was pregnant I had an important decision to make.

Did I want a window seat or an aisle one?
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An old Scot reflects on life decisions

An old Scottish man sitting in a pub. Drunk off his ass and rambling.
"You see that church across the street? I build that church with me own two hands, but no one walks the town proclaiming, 'oh, there goes Magnus, the church-builder'.
And you see these windows? I put these windows in with me...

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.

Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future.
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The day I let a dog make decisions for me

....Is the day I go blind.
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What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade
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My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
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Your Lawyer and your Wife are drowning! Quick! You must make a decision!!

Should you go to the movies, or order pizza?
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I went to the liquor store by bike the other day

I was afraid I could fall and break the bottle of whisky on the way back so I decided to drink it all right there

It was the best decision of my life because on the way back I fell off my bike like three times
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After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce
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People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.
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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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