My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.

In the future, whenever they try to give examples of what can go wrong due to bad decisions, they will point to this year...

Coz hindsight is 2020.

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Decisions, decisions

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis. I'm tempted but I'm worried it might make me a bit two cocky.....

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When a man is trying to take a decision it is often a struggle between his head and his heart

... then his penis walks in and says,


“Relax Guys! I got this”

Every decision you made in your life has led you up to reading this moment

You made some poor choices.

The decision ...

“The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.”

Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

Made the decision to learn how to lockpick

It was great it opened up alot of doors for me

When I found out my girlfriend was pregnant I had an important decision to make.

Did I want a window seat or an aisle one?

My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

Children

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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Long one

Doctors were asked if we should reopen the country. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a...

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

What do you call Arnold Schwarzenegger when he makes decisions?

Determinator

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

I was recently told I'm not good at evaluating people and make haste decisions

I tried to argue but my three ex-wives agreed with this assessment.

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Disney is looking to take the American Secret Service to court

The secret service higher ups made a decision to change how agents assigned to the president can give the president an order while under fire.

They will no longer say “Get down Mr President!”

Instead it’ll be “Donald, Duck!”

My father looked me in the eyes and sagely advised, “ Son, find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

When I was younger, I was given the decision to either be really popular or have a good memory.

To be honest, I forgot which one I chose.

People are quick to judge crowds at bars after reopening..

It’s a bar, by definition that’s where people go to make bad decisions.

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

Learning how to pick locks was the best career decision of my life...

It opened so many new doors for me.

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

A Woman Was Redecorating Her House

But when it came time to choose her window curtains, she was torn between two different shades of blue. One set was a darker shade - which matched the sofa, and the other was a lighter shade - which matched the chair. No matter how she tried to justify one over the other, she could not come to a dec...

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

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If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

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Three girls walk into a bar

Three girls walk into a bar looking for a job. They hand their resumes to the hiring manager. The manager says "As much as I would like to hire all of you, I only have room for one of you. Since your resumes are so similar when it comes to work experience, I will hire the girl that best responds ...

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Why did the Alabama family pay for their daughter’s butt implants?

It was a decision they could all get behind

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

My friend asked for advice on buying a bed

I told him "before you make a decision, you should sleep on it"

A judge was hearing a case between two parties.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honor...

Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the q...

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

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Stop trying to convince deaf people to make better decisions.

Those bastards just won’t listen.

Congress has finally made a decision and just announced that if Roy Moore wins the senate...

They will be ending their 'take your daughter to work' program.

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Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.

Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.

Wh...

A few weeks ago my sister took a trip to Italy

Looking back, that was a Sicily decision

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It took some balls to make this decision

Im getting a vasectomy.

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

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Expidition of two scientists

Two scientists start an expedition to explore a deserted island.

On the second day of their expidition, they ran into a group of indigenous, the natives bound the two scientists and bring them to their village. The chief of the tribal approaches and says „**DEATH or BUMM BUMM?**“. The two sc...

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

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A guy and gal from Alabama get married

They have a very nice wedding and both families get along well. A few months later comes the honeymoon. They fly out to Hawaii. on the first night the girl tells her new husband that she is still a virgin. The husband leaves immediately and goes home to talk to his dad. The dad says “what are you do...

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Golden Wedding Secret

A husband and wife were coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary, and the wife had grown curious about a box under their bed. It had a lock on it, and had been present ever since she married him. On the night of their golden wedding anniversary, the wife decided it was time she found out what was...

Genie in a Bottle

A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much.



The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest ...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

Breaking: Stormi Daniels reaction to president Trumps Syria decision.

Shocked Trump pulls out when he said he would

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

What's the best day to make a decision?

Tuesday

After looking at the various candidates, I've decided we all need to vote for Thanos 2020

It'll be a "snap decision."

2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn't the murderer, then the judge interrupted me....

Casting Dwayne Johnson in a movie is a bold decision...

Casting The Rock is a boulder decision.

I was asked if my problem was making wrong decisions or being indecisive.

I wasn't really sure so I said it was indecision.

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

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Local knowledge

A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town.
A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results we...

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

Once upon a time there was

a kingdom. And in that kingdom was an annoyed king. He was mad that every man in his kingdom was only listening to their wive's orders and didn't make any decisions themselves. So the king decided to call every man to his palace. he asked them: All of those who make their own decisions, please go to...

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner.

The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

A mosquito landed on my wife's face while she was asleep

Easiest decision of my life

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

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Caitlyn Jenner deserves credit for getting sexual reassignment surgery.

That decision took balls.

Engineer, of course

Two engineers were good friends and one afternoon one engineer rode up to the other on a brand new bike. The second engineer said “WOW! What a great bike. Where’d you get it?” The first engineer said, “You won’t believe me. This beautiful young woman came riding up to me, laid the bike down, took...

Are you good at making snap decisions?

Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

*20 minutes later*

Me: "No."

A husband and wife were having dinner...

...at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?"

The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."

The wife an...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

A waitress asked me what kind of bacon I'd like..

I said "I'm going to need a coffee before I make any rash decisions"

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

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Mickey Mouse decided to divorce Minnie Mouse

At the court, The judge said to Mickey, “So you made the decision to divorce Minnie because she was crazy?” Mickey then replied and said “No, it was because she was fucking Goofy”

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

Judge Makes Decision In Child Abuse Case

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child c...

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

Guy chose a crossbow instead of bow.

It was a bolt decision.

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They say you should masturbate before a decision

Not such great advice if trying to decide whether to masturbate in the children's playground.

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A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

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Always wank before making a big decision

I've been following this principle until I got fired from my job at Wallstreet investing company. They said I spent way too much time on bathroom breaks.

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

A French, English, and American man go on a vacation together in the Amazon.

Will they’re on their trip, they’re hunted down and trapped by some scary natives. The men are scared and ask “Why are you doing this?”. The native chief responds, “ I plan on skinning you all and using your skin for cups!” The trapped men make a request to at least choose how they die. The chief li...

Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

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Why do gays make bad decisions?

Because they're never thinking straight.

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

Why does Batman have such a hard time making decisions?

Because he grapples with lots of things

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

When Dr. Samuel Johnson had finished his first English dictionary, he was visited by a delegation of "London's Respectable Womanhood" who came to his parlor at Fleet St. and said, "Doctor, we congratulate you on your decision to exclude all indecent words from your dictionary." And he said...

"Ladies, I congratulate you on your persistence in looking them up."

I made an irrational decision today...

I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.

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