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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

Rick Astley has an extensive Pixar and Disney dvd/blu ray collection and he'll lend you any of the them...

Except up, he's never going to give you up.

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk

(I'm so sorry)

[Doctor analysing my x-ray results] Doctor: This is exactly what I was afraid of...

Me: what?

Doctor: Skeletons.

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"Ray Ray, use 'hotel' in a sentence"

Ray Ray: I gave some bitch the clap and that hotel everybody.

Why was the bee shot by the shrinking ray upset?

It felt beelittled

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...

...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc ...

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

What I say when I stop playing VR and I knock over a Blu-ray of a 2013 Sandra Bullock movie

back to reality whoop there goes gravity

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

Why couldn’t Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married.

Stevie Wonder says the best advice he ever heard was from Ray Charles...

"The future's lookin' up."

Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

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In the late 1960s, Michael Caine was approached by Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger, John Densmore.

The idea was that they all wanted oral sex from his wife and offered an outrageous sum of money to do so.

Caine obliged.

When all was set and done Michael Caine walked in to collect his dough and noticed Mick Jagger and Keith Richards stripped to their ankles as well.

Caine t...

What do you call the fleshy-mouth things on Manta Rays?

Manta-bles

Everyone knows you synthesize vitamin D from UV rays and that's fine...

So how come whenever I say, "I love getting the D from my sun," people always freak out?

Who is Steve Irwin’s favorite musician?

Ray Charles

What do you call dental x-rays?

Tooth pics

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

I devised a test to see if people prefer Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder...

It's a double blind study.

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled?

It didn't protect him from harmful rays

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

You're like a little ray of sunshine...

Blinding people and giving them cancer.

Doctor : Your X-rays show you swallowed a light bulb.

Me: I guess you could say that I'm..

Doctor: please don't do...

Me: Lit AF

Doctor: get out!

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys

were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts and then ...

X-ray doctors can't climb trees as well as...

catscan.

My friend Ray just passed away :(

He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.

Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

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Most of my sextapes are on DVD..

except for that gay one where I Blu-Ray.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

why don't light rays like prisms?

prisms always tell them to get bent

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

I once had a girlfriend who was an X-Ray technician.

I could never lie to her, because she always saw right through me.

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?

You don't bomb pearl harbor.

What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

I've always been suspicious about X-Rays.

Why is it only ever skeletons that go to get them done?

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Ray the chicken

Ray the Chicken
 
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too muc...

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

Ray Charles walks into a bar...

and a stool and a table

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Superheroes' day off

So it's the superheroes holiday and Superman is looking for some friends to hang out with so he starts flying around and uses his x-ray vision to see what his friends are up to.

He cruises by incredible hulk's place, uses his x-ray vision and sees hulk lifting weights. Superman thinks to him...

A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients

Nobody know what she sees in him

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What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

An itchy, twitchy twat.

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

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Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives.

The first redneck says, "My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike."

The second redneck says, "Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV."

The third redneck says, "Oh yeah, we...

Donald Trump walks into a bar with two guys, one named Moe Lester and the other Ray P. Kreap.

Bartender asks Moe Lester and Ray P. Kreap how they know Trump.

Trump answers, "Women are always screaming out their names when I touch them, so I figured they'd make great wingmen."

I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day...

I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."

If Ray changes his name..

he would be an x-ray. I bet you saw right through that joke.

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away.

It's my newt now.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.

Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.

(But it explains everything!)

I'm sorry Ray, but I'm heading back ...

Straight to that point.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

Ray Charles...

... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed.

The doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident," says the d...

So this ray of light broke bad.

It was put in prism.

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

I did not see that coming.

The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend?

"Dayuum. I'd hit that."

I've got a wonderful doctor

If you can't afford the operation she touches up the x-rays.

A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.

A Tampa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to ...

Have you ever seen Ray Chales´ Wife?

Neither has he.

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas...

Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into t...

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A man gets in a car accident that completely rips off his penis.

The doctor says, “Sir, we are going to have to rebuild your penis from scratch. Now, the way we do this operation is to charge you $1,000 for every inch in length. Your insurance company has given you $12,000, and that’s yours to keep, so maybe you want to use all of it, or maybe only 5 or even 4 th...

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