My ex worked in the radiology dept at the hospital.

Every Christmas and birthday she’d send me an X-ray of her chest.

I know it sounds a bit weird but it showed that her heart was in the right place!

Did you see the fist fight between stevie wonder and Ray Charles

Neither did they

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Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

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A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"

Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."

Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"

Her mo...

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

blonde goes to the doctor

A blonde goes to the doctor saying everywhere she touches, there is terrible pain. The Doctor asks her to poke different spots on her body and explain the sensation. Everywhere she pokes, she says "OUCH, IT HURTS SO BAD!"



The Doc gives in and gives her an X-ray to try and pinpoint th...

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

Two guys named Ray walk into a bar . . .

They tell the bartender “This place sucks, but we’re going to change all that”. “How’s that?” says the bartender.
“Because we’re Rays in the bar!!!”

A man lied about his medical condition.

When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.

Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"

The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...


And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

How to know if there's more than one yolk in an egg?

You can use an eggs-ray.

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A man goes to a mountain to talk to God...

He shouts on the top: "God, I asked you to let me win the lottery, but I lost!"

Thunder, wind and a cloud opens giving shinning rays of light, a voice roars: "I told you that I would put the winnning numbers on your wife's buttocks, all you had to do was take a look! The winning number was 77...

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

What do you call X-rays taken by a dentist?

Tooth-pics.

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

I tried to lie to my radiologist, saying that this was my first time getting an x-ray.

Unfortunately, he saw right through me.

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

A 2 year old kid gets into a stack of board games.

And before his parents notice, he has them all open and pieces everywhere. The folks clean up the mess but soon realize that there are pieces missing from the Battleship game.
They rush the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, x-rays show he has swallowed some pieces. The doctor finds an aircr...

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

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Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives.

The first redneck says, "My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike."

The second redneck says, "Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV."

The third redneck says, "Oh yeah, we...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI...

But catscan.

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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

A man goes to his doctors appointment.

Doctor: your x-ray results came back, its just what I was afraid of

Man: what is it?

Doctor: skeletons

Rick Astley has an extensive Pixar and Disney dvd/blu ray collection and he'll lend you any of the them...

Except up, he's never going to give you up.

In the 70's my friend was a high class call girl

Her 'pimp' was movie star Michael Caine, he got her the highest profile jobs in the industry and she got to 'work' with a lot of famous people.

This particular time she was at the Isle of Wight music festival and had to go and 'service' some musicians, well she gets back stage and there they...

After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*

and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*

Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*

Then John stepped forward and asked the same que...

What is the definition of eternal love?

Stevie wonder and Ray Charles playing a game of tennis

I've got a wonderful doctor

If you can't afford the operation she touches up the x-rays.

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

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"Ray Ray, use 'hotel' in a sentence"

Ray Ray: I gave some bitch the clap and that hotel everybody.

A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.

A Tampa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to ...

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

What did the sun name his son?

Ray

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...

...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc ...

If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

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There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

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Free Sex

A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read:

*** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.

The owner told him to pi...

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In High School, I had a Friend Named Ving

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving. He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.

"What kind of a name is Ving? It's so stupid," he said, frustrated.

"You kn...

Ray Charles walks into a bar...

and a stool and a table

Why can't Ray Charles drive?

He's dead.

What do you call dental X-rays?

Tooth pics

Three friends talking about their dogs.

So there were three friends talking about the intelligence of their dogs, to which one says:

My shepherd dog not only took care of my sheep when I left but also sheared them once a year.

The next says:
Ha! Mine was so smart that all he left to do was to bark.

The third sobbin...

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

Donald Trump walks into a bar with two guys, one named Moe Lester and the other Ray P. Kreap.

Bartender asks Moe Lester and Ray P. Kreap how they know Trump.

Trump answers, "Women are always screaming out their names when I touch them, so I figured they'd make great wingmen."

I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day...

I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."

After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away.

It's my newt now.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

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What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

An itchy, twitchy twat.

I'm dating an x-ray technician...

But I don't know what she sees in me.

Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.

Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.

(But it explains everything!)

So this ray of light broke bad.

It was put in prism.

I'm sorry Ray, but I'm heading back ...

Straight to that point.

What do you call the skeleton of a stingray?

An X-ray.

Ray Charles...

... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed.

The doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident," says the d...

A mother walks into her son's room

Upon opening the door she sees her son eating some of his toys. Freaking out she scoops him up and rushes to the emergency room and demands them run all sorts of tests on him. Finally after receiving dozens of tests they finally get to sit down with a doctor.

"Is my son going to be okay?" The...

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

I did not see that coming.

The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

Apparently Steve Irwin had his own line of sunscreen but it was taken off the market when he died.

It wasn’t protecting against harmful rays.

I had a girlfriend and her favorite Pixar movie was "Up".

This was 2010 and she had it on blue ray, and we would watch it at least once a week at her apartment. But after like the 40th time, I confronted her and said I was tired of watching. The argument got heated; it didn't help that we were drunk. Suddenly, she pushed me and I fell on something. I turne...

Press Release: "Big thank you to Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice"

Sincerely,
Tony Stewart's PR Team

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas...

Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into t...

Have you ever seen Ray Chales´ Wife?

Neither has he.

While seen my x-ray, my doctor said....

You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words"

But this one just say "You're screwed"

What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend?

"Dayuum. I'd hit that."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl asks how she got her name.

Her mom says “Well when we were bringing you home from the hospital a rose petal landed on your face, so we named you rose. We named your brother ray because a beam of sunlight hit him on the way home from the hospital too.”

From the next room the third siblings says

“Hyrnagamadrgs!”...

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