UPJOKE
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Ray Jokes

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

Where do manta rays learn to read?

In elemantaray school.

Why can't Ray Charles drive?

Because he's dead.

"Oh dear...this is just what I was afraid of", the doctor said as he looked over my x-rays

My heart dropped and I asked *"wha…What is it, doctor??"*

He paused and then solemnly answered:
*"Skeletons."*

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

Ray Charles went to the doctor.

Doctor said, "I got good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"

Ray says, "Give me the bad."

Doctor says, "Well Mr. Charles because of your diabetes we have to amputate your left leg."

Ray, "Damn. Well what's the good news?"

Doctor clears his throat and sings, "U...

Billy Ray Cyrus goes to the barber.

The barber asks “what’s it gonna be?”
Cyrus replies “I don’t know yet. Let me mull it over.”

Q: Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

A: Because he was married.

What do dentists call x-rays?

Tooth Pics!

What kind of fuel does an X-ray machine use?

Unleaded

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died

Husband: Who, Ray?

Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies


(My 7 year old came up with this joke)

Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder

Ray Charles meets Stevie Wonder, they talk about their life, then Stevie says "it's just too bad we're both blind".

Ray answers "Could be worse, we could have been black"

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

A cannibal was in the examination room, waiting for the results of his x-ray.

When the images were ready, a doctor entered the room and flipped the switch on the light box. He took one look and said, "I think you swallowed a foreign object."

The cannibal did not like the sounds of that. In fact, he was insulted. He stood up and started walking toward the door. When he ...

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My X-ray experience

Just went for an x-ray and the radiologist asked if I had any metal implants.



I replied: nothing much just balls of steel.

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Ray Bradbury wrote a book about Mitch McConnell having sex...

"Something Wicked This Way Comes".

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

My doctor said the X-Ray was negative.

I was like, “aren’t they all?”

What happened when Stevie Ray went to a guitar playing contest?

He vaughan

Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled?

It didn't protect him from harmful rays

Kylo Ren and Ray are fighting each other.

As they fight, Kylo Ren says, "I know what your getting for Christmas."

Ray yells at him saying, "stay out of my head!"

Kylo Ren responds, "I have felt your presents."

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

I went in for an X-ray the other day and met a cute radiologist.

I tried to act cool but she saw right through me.

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?

You don't bomb pearl harbor.

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

I'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of X-Ray Technicians.

They can see right through me.

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Ray the chicken

Ray the Chicken
 
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too muc...

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

Nvidia teams up with Oceana nonprofit to track manta rays' travelling habits

They're applying their latest ray tracing technology.

A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus because of “Old Town Road”, and that breaks my heart…

My achey breaky heart.

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X-Ray glasses made in China

A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and clothes...

Two guys named Ray walk into a bar . .

They tell the bartender “This place sucked until we walked in here.” “Why’s that?” Says the bartender.
“Because we’re Rays in the bar!!!”

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

I used to be married to an X-Ray Machine

We got a divorce yesterday so I Guess you can call it my Ex-Ray Machine

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

I'm dating an x-ray technician...

But I don't know what she sees in me.

Ray Charles...

... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed.

The doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident," says the d...

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

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A blonde woman is at the store one day when she sees a sign that says, "X-RAY GLASSES FOR FIFTY DOLLARS".

Thinking it sounds interesting, she grabs a pair of glasses from the shelf and puts it on. Immediately, everyone around her appears to be completely in the nude. When she takes the glasses off, everyone's clothes come back.

Excitedly, the woman parts with fifty big ones and proudly wears her ...

Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI...

But catscan.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

My friend betrayed me on the test when I asked him where the light rays parallel to the principle axis of a concave mirror meet

I mean, he did try to motivate me by shouting "Focus! Focus!", but that hardly helps.

My friend Ray just passed away :(

He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.

Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

why don't light rays like prisms?

prisms always tell them to get bent

My grandpa has been condescending Dave and Ray Davies since the 60s...

I guess he’s really into Kink shaming.

Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

Ray Charles walks into a bar...

and a stool and a table

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys

were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts and then ...

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

What is science called if it involved light blue light rays?

Cyance

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

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The sausage trick

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pan...

X-ray Parrot

A street vendor claims that his pet parrot can tell the color of the panties of the women walking by.

Three nuns come by and the parrot yells "yellow, white, green!"

The nuns are impressed.

The next day the parrot says "blue, orange, purple!!" and the nuns can't believe it....

So this ray of light broke bad.

It was put in prism.

Happy Birthday Ray Rice!

I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

I heard they recalled Ray Rice's wife's new line of sunscreen.

It turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...


And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

What do you call the fleshy-mouth things on Manta Rays?

Manta-bles

I once had a girlfriend who was an X-Ray technician.

I could never lie to her, because she always saw right through me.

Have you ever seen Ray Chales´ Wife?

Neither has he.

Doctor : Your X-rays show you swallowed a light bulb.

Me: I guess you could say that I'm..

Doctor: please don't do...

Me: Lit AF

Doctor: get out!

Everyone knows you synthesize vitamin D from UV rays and that's fine...

So how come whenever I say, "I love getting the D from my sun," people always freak out?

I devised a test to see if people prefer Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder...

It's a double blind study.

While seen my x-ray, my doctor said....

You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words"

But this one just say "You're screwed"

The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas...

Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into t...

Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

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