Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles & Stevie Wonder?

Endless love

Got some x-rays after an accident the other day...

I asked the doctor: "Is everything all green?"
To which he replied: "Yes, the stoplight wasn't though."

Kylo Ren and Ray are fighting each other.

As they fight, Kylo Ren says, "I know what your getting for Christmas."

Ray yells at him saying, "stay out of my head!"

Kylo Ren responds, "I have felt your presents."

A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus for “Old Town Road”

And that breaks my heart. My achy breaky heart.

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

Two guys named Ray walk into a bar . .

They tell the bartender “This place sucked until we walked in here.” “Why’s that?” Says the bartender.
“Because we’re Rays in the bar!!!”

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.



They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.



The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

Neighbour.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.

Wife: Who, Ray?

Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

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In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

What do you call X-rays taken by a dentist?

Tooth-pics.

I tried to lie to my radiologist, saying that this was my first time getting an x-ray.

Unfortunately, he saw right through me.

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI...

But catscan.

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.

Dr. Ray sighed as the door open...

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A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...


And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

Rick Astley has an extensive Pixar and Disney dvd/blu ray collection and he'll lend you any of the them...

Except up, he's never going to give you up.

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So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

How did Ray Charles travel in Korea?

He took the Seoul Train of course.

What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray

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A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

A man in the bush

A man in the bush lives next door to 3 of his mates. One day, a bushfire comes roaring through. It sets the mans house, and body on fire. His friends put the fire out and call an ambulance for the man.

Once the man arrives at the hospital he is in immense pain. The doctor decides to check his...

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"Ray Ray, use 'hotel' in a sentence"

Ray Ray: I gave some bitch the clap and that hotel everybody.

What do you call a flat and acrobatic fish?

A mantle ray.

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A man wanted to fuck his neighbor

He went to the roof, pulled down his pants and directed his ass to the sun..

His neighbor saw him and asked him, "what are you doing?"

He answered, " i am getting sun rays into my body, so that it cleans me from the inside, and makes me smarter. "

The following day the neighbor ...

An old lady comes to her doctor and says,

“Doctor, you know how you told me I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as possible?”

“Yes,” nods the doctor, “we agreed on that after the latest X-rays.”

“Well I don’t know if it was such a great recommendation. All the climbing up and down the rain gutter is really exhausti...

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

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A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"

Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."

Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"

Her mo...

What I say when I stop playing VR and I knock over a Blu-ray of a 2013 Sandra Bullock movie

back to reality whoop there goes gravity

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Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

What do you call dental x-rays?

Tooth pics

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

Stevie Wonder says the best advice he ever heard was from Ray Charles...

"The future's lookin' up."

Everyone knows you synthesize vitamin D from UV rays and that's fine...

So how come whenever I say, "I love getting the D from my sun," people always freak out?

My ex worked in the radiology dept at the hospital.

Every Christmas and birthday she’d send me an X-ray of her chest.

I know it sounds a bit weird but it showed that her heart was in the right place!

What do you call the fleshy-mouth things on Manta Rays?

Manta-bles

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

I devised a test to see if people prefer Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder...

It's a double blind study.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

I heard they recalled Ray Rice's wife's new line of sunscreen.

It turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

X-ray doctors can't climb trees as well as...

catscan.

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk

(I'm so sorry)

My friend Ray just passed away :(

He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.

Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

why don't light rays like prisms?

prisms always tell them to get bent

A man lied about his medical condition.

When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.

Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"

The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys

were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts and then ...

How to know if there's more than one yolk in an egg?

You can use an eggs-ray.

blonde goes to the doctor

A blonde goes to the doctor saying everywhere she touches, there is terrible pain. The Doctor asks her to poke different spots on her body and explain the sensation. Everywhere she pokes, she says "OUCH, IT HURTS SO BAD!"



The Doc gives in and gives her an X-ray to try and pinpoint th...

Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?

You don't bomb pearl harbor.

I once had a girlfriend who was an X-Ray technician.

I could never lie to her, because she always saw right through me.

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Ray the chicken

Ray the Chicken
 
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too muc...

A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients

Nobody know what she sees in him

A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.

A Tampa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to ...

I've always been suspicious about X-Rays.

Why is it only ever skeletons that go to get them done?

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

Ray Charles walks into a bar...

and a stool and a table

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

A 2 year old kid gets into a stack of board games.

And before his parents notice, he has them all open and pieces everywhere. The folks clean up the mess but soon realize that there are pieces missing from the Battleship game.
They rush the kid to the hospital, and sure enough, x-rays show he has swallowed some pieces. The doctor finds an aircr...

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

An itchy, twitchy twat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

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A man goes to a mountain to talk to God...

He shouts on the top: "God, I asked you to let me win the lottery, but I lost!"

Thunder, wind and a cloud opens giving shinning rays of light, a voice roars: "I told you that I would put the winnning numbers on your wife's buttocks, all you had to do was take a look! The winning number was 77...

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

Donald Trump walks into a bar with two guys, one named Moe Lester and the other Ray P. Kreap.

Bartender asks Moe Lester and Ray P. Kreap how they know Trump.

Trump answers, "Women are always screaming out their names when I touch them, so I figured they'd make great wingmen."

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives.

The first redneck says, "My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike."

The second redneck says, "Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV."

The third redneck says, "Oh yeah, we...

I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day...

I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away.

It's my newt now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

So this ray of light broke bad.

It was put in prism.

Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.

Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.

(But it explains everything!)

I'm sorry Ray, but I'm heading back ...

Straight to that point.

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

Ray Charles...

... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed.

The doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident," says the d...

After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*

and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*

Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*

Then John stepped forward and asked the same que...

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