Why couldn’t Ray Charles see his friends?

He was married

Never lie to an X-ray technician

they can see right through you

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

I used to be married to an X-Ray Machine

We got a divorce yesterday so I Guess you can call it my Ex-Ray Machine

My grandpa has been condescending Dave and Ray Davies since the 60s...

I guess he’s really into Kink shaming.

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

Kylo Ren and Ray are fighting each other.

As they fight, Kylo Ren says, "I know what your getting for Christmas."

Ray yells at him saying, "stay out of my head!"

Kylo Ren responds, "I have felt your presents."

Little did you know, but Steve Irwin would have lived if he had put on enough sunscreen.

It would have protected him from the harmful rays.

‌‌Superman h‌‌ad a‌‌ h‌‌uge c‌‌rush o‌‌n W‌‌onder W‌‌oman but he was t‌‌oo s‌‌cared t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌er, f‌‌earing i‌‌t w‌‌ould r‌‌uin t‌‌heir w‌‌ork r‌‌elationship.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay, h‌‌e w‌‌as u‌‌sing h‌‌is X‌‌-ray v‌‌ision t‌‌o w‌‌atch h‌‌er i‌‌n h‌‌er a‌‌partment. H‌‌e s‌‌aw h‌‌er p‌‌ut o‌‌n m‌‌usic a‌‌nd s‌‌tart t‌‌aking h‌‌er c‌‌lothes o‌‌ff. S‌‌he s‌‌at d‌‌own o‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ed. S‌‌he w‌‌as g‌‌etting i‌‌n t‌‌he r‌‌omantic m‌‌ood. S‌‌he w‌‌as s‌‌quirming a‌‌roun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

X-Ray glasses made in China

A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and clothes...

A whole generation will only know Billy Ray Cyrus for “Old Town Road”

And that breaks my heart. My achy breaky heart.

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

Who is the patron saint of homeless dogs and cats?

St. Ray

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

A bass player dies and goes to hell

when he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and Im on drums”

the bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“we...

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

Two guys named Ray walk into a bar . .

They tell the bartender “This place sucked until we walked in here.” “Why’s that?” Says the bartender.
“Because we’re Rays in the bar!!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd cal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are two words that start with the letter x?

1. X-ray
2. X-nobody fucking remembers

Sunscreen

Did you hear Steve Irwin's family is suing Coppertone?
He was wearing it, but it didn't protect him from harmful rays.

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

Bill,a pro at the local golf course,and Ray,his longtime friend and caddy,went out golfing.

Bill was getting lined up for the most critical putt of his life.It would mean the course record and TenThousand dollars.When a funeral procession came by,Bill stops what he was doing,takes off his hat,holds it to his chest,and bows his head.

"What the hell is wrong with you,"Ray asks?"This i...

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hur...

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

What do you call X-rays taken by a dentist?

Tooth-pics.

Ants in your tummy

A guy complained to his doctor about stomach pain and after a quick x-ray his doctor tells him he has ants living in his lower intestines. The doctor tells him to buy a watermelon and poke a hole in it and sit on the hole so the queen ant can come down, taste it, and call out the rest of the ants so...

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

I tried to lie to my radiologist, saying that this was my first time getting an x-ray.

Unfortunately, he saw right through me.

let's play russian roulette with a shrink ray! i'll go first

^oh ^come ^on

Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI...

But catscan.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.



They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.



The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Are we alone"

These two little martians land at a closed gas station in a small town in the middle of the night. The two little martians come out of their flying saucer and walk up to the gas pump and say “take me to your leader”. Well of course the gas pump doesn’t say anything and the little martian says it aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

I tried to lie to my x-ray tech about my broken leg

But he could see right through me...


And then i didnt have a leg to stand on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Ray Ray, use 'hotel' in a sentence"

Ray Ray: I gave some bitch the clap and that hotel everybody.

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

Neighbour.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.

Wife: Who, Ray?

Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...

...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc ...

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in...

What do you call dental x-rays?

Tooth pics

What I say when I stop playing VR and I knock over a Blu-ray of a 2013 Sandra Bullock movie

back to reality whoop there goes gravity

A blonde woman goes to the doctor because her body is aching all over...

She sits down and shows the doctor all the places it hurts. She presses down on her shoulder and it gives her pain. She presses down on her knee and it brings her pain. Finally she presses down on her stomach and says “ouch!” The doctor has seen enough and decides to take a fully body x-ray. The doc...

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

Everyone knows you synthesize vitamin D from UV rays and that's fine...

So how come whenever I say, "I love getting the D from my sun," people always freak out?

Stevie Wonder says the best advice he ever heard was from Ray Charles...

"The future's lookin' up."

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the late 1960s, Michael Caine was approached by Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, Robby Krieger, John Densmore.

The idea was that they all wanted oral sex from his wife and offered an outrageous sum of money to do so.

Caine obliged.

When all was set and done Michael Caine walked in to collect his dough and noticed Mick Jagger and Keith Richards stripped to their ankles as well.

Caine t...

At the doctor's office.

A man was not feeling well so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor probes him, takes blood samples and sends them to the lab then sends the man to X-ray and for a CAT scan, then uses the MRI equipment and all the high tech medical diagnostic equipment the office has to find out what is wrong...

What do you call the fleshy-mouth things on Manta Rays?

Manta-bles

X-ray doctors can't climb trees as well as...

catscan.

I devised a test to see if people prefer Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder...

It's a double blind study.

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray

I heard they recalled Ray Rice's wife's new line of sunscreen.

It turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

My friend Ray just passed away :(

He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.

Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

why don't light rays like prisms?

prisms always tell them to get bent

The Angry Vet.

Dr. Ray was about to lock up with he saw an old pick up truck pull into the parking lot. Being a nice vet Dr. Ray waited on the old man to get out of the truck. He started walking up to Dr. Ray's door in that old slow gait, complete with straw hat and overalls.

Dr. Ray sighed as the door open...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is this guy in the old folks home

He’s talking with Barbara and the subject of sex comes up. Barbara says “Ray you old coot, you couldn’t get it up if you wanted to.” “I know I know but I wished I had someone to just hold it sometimes.” Ray says. “Well I could do that.” Says Barbara.

And they got to a secluded place and she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

Doctor : Your X-rays show you swallowed a light bulb.

Me: I guess you could say that I'm..

Doctor: please don't do...

Me: Lit AF

Doctor: get out!

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk

(I'm so sorry)

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys

were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts and then ...

How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?

You don't bomb pearl harbor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ray the chicken

Ray the Chicken
 
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too muc...

A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients

Nobody know what she sees in him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

Ray Charles walks into a bar...

and a stool and a table

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"

Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."

Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"

Her mo...

I've always been suspicious about X-Rays.

Why is it only ever skeletons that go to get them done?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?

An itchy, twitchy twat.

A man in the bush

A man in the bush lives next door to 3 of his mates. One day, a bushfire comes roaring through. It sets the mans house, and body on fire. His friends put the fire out and call an ambulance for the man.

Once the man arrives at the hospital he is in immense pain. The doctor decides to check his...

Donald Trump walks into a bar with two guys, one named Moe Lester and the other Ray P. Kreap.

Bartender asks Moe Lester and Ray P. Kreap how they know Trump.

Trump answers, "Women are always screaming out their names when I touch them, so I figured they'd make great wingmen."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to fuck his neighbor

He went to the roof, pulled down his pants and directed his ass to the sun..

His neighbor saw him and asked him, "what are you doing?"

He answered, " i am getting sun rays into my body, so that it cleans me from the inside, and makes me smarter. "

The following day the neighbor ...

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.