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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Ray Ray, use 'hotel' in a sentence"

Ray Ray: I gave some bitch the clap and that hotel everybody.

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk

(I'm so sorry)

Why couldn’t Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married.

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

What I say when I stop playing VR and I knock over a Blu-ray of a 2013 Sandra Bullock movie

back to reality whoop there goes gravity

What do you call dental x-rays?

Tooth pics

Why was the bee shot by the shrinking ray upset?

It felt beelittled

Hurt my arm this mornin and had to go to hospital for an x-ray, as I was sitting waiting to be seen...

...the lad next to me says," Fair fae yer honest sonsieface! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, " ! Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!" , As I grabbed the next doc ...

I feel bad for Ray Charles about the whole Stevie Wonder thing...

I mean another blind black piano player? There's no way he saw that coming.

Everyone knows you synthesize vitamin D from UV rays and that's fine...

So how come whenever I say, "I love getting the D from my sun," people always freak out?

What is science called if it involved light blue light rays?

Cyance

I devised a test to see if people prefer Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder...

It's a double blind study.

You're like a little ray of sunshine...

Blinding people and giving them cancer.

Doctor: Your X-ray results are now here. As you can see, this is your left leg

Me: wtf put it back

Who is Steve Irwin’s favorite musician?

Ray Charles

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

"Hey, Bill, what do you think of this new super-hero comic I'm working on? It's about an ant-size tangent line that has x-ray vision."

"Sounds cool, but isn't that a little derivative?"

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys

were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up. A woman walks by and asked what they are doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.” She loosened a few bolts and then ...

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

My friend Ray just passed away :(

He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.

Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision

why don't light rays like prisms?

prisms always tell them to get bent

X-ray doctors can't climb trees as well as...

catscan.

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

I once had a girlfriend who was an X-Ray technician.

I could never lie to her, because she always saw right through me.

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Most of my sextapes are on DVD..

except for that gay one where I Blu-Ray.

Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled?

It didn't protect him from harmful rays

How do you protect yourself from gamma rays and x-rays?

You don't bomb pearl harbor.

My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

What did Ray Charles say when they handed him a cheese grater?

This is the most violent thing I've ever read.

Doctor: "Your x-ray showed a broken rib...

... but we fixed it with Photoshop."

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients

Nobody know what she sees in him

Ray Charles walks into a bar...

and a stool and a table

A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.

A Tampa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to ...

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

Why did Ray Bradbury use heated lube?

It was a pleasure to burn.

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Ray the chicken

Ray the Chicken
 
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too muc...

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Superheroes' day off

So it's the superheroes holiday and Superman is looking for some friends to hang out with so he starts flying around and uses his x-ray vision to see what his friends are up to.

He cruises by incredible hulk's place, uses his x-ray vision and sees hulk lifting weights. Superman thinks to him...

Donald Trump walks into a bar with two guys, one named Moe Lester and the other Ray P. Kreap.

Bartender asks Moe Lester and Ray P. Kreap how they know Trump.

Trump answers, "Women are always screaming out their names when I touch them, so I figured they'd make great wingmen."

I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day...

I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."

After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away.

It's my newt now.

What is the definition of eternal love?

Stevie wonder and Ray Charles playing a game of tennis

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.

Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.

(But it explains everything!)

I'm sorry Ray, but I'm heading back ...

Straight to that point.

Ray Charles...

... is driving and gets into a car accident... because he's blind. He wakes up in a hospital bed.

The doctor comes in and says, "Mr. Charles, I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Well, you've lost the use of your left side, due to the accident," says the d...

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

So this ray of light broke bad.

It was put in prism.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

Did you guys hear about the new Ray Lewis action figure?

Batteries included.


If it makes you feel any better I made the joke up a few months ago and it was a Chris Brown joke, but with Rice being topical and all.

The best part about Ray Lewis being on ESPN is..

I can hear a guy with six kids by four different women lecture me about commitment & dedication.

What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

I did not see that coming.

What did the sun name his son?

Ray

What did Ray Rice say the first time he met his girlfriend?

"Dayuum. I'd hit that."

While seen my x-ray, my doctor said....

You know, when I was a child my dad use to tell me "A picture is worth a thousand words"

But this one just say "You're screwed"

Have you ever seen Ray Chales´ Wife?

Neither has he.

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas...

Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

Happy Birthday Ray Rice!

I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.