I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

How do you support a werewolves YouTube channel?

You lycan subscribe.

Why is Trump losing support in Georgia?

Hates peach.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Diarrhea sufferers should have a support group...

Somewhere they can just let it all out

I went to a support group the other day.

The leader asked everyone to share their greatest accomplishment. When it got to me I told them, “I plugged in a usb on the first try once.” The instructor looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, this group is for people with low self esteem. Pathological liars are across the hall.”

My friend just had a convo with "Microsoft support"

I was just about to hang up when they called me, but my friend had a brilliant way of handling them.

Totally legit Microsoft support: “Hi. This is John Alex from Microsoft Support. We have detected a virus on your computer. Don't mind the fact that I can't pronounce 'Microsoft' properly," in ...

I signed up for an ADHD support group...

We meet every Tuesday night from 6:00 to 6:08, 6:12 to 6:22, 6:31 to 6:44, and 6:46 to 7:00.

What do you call a support group for child epileptics?

Little Seizures

I called a suicide support line in the middle east

They got excited and asked me i if i know how to drive a car

Everyone sat around the table at the arm amputee support group

Speaker: how about a group hug to cheer everyone up

Being in customer support I can say this

Im paying for my own sins, Jesus. Thank you very much.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

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My friend went to his premature ejaculators support group weekly meeting today

He later found out it was tomorrow

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

Trump has perfect historical precedent to support building his southern border wall...

China built a wall and they have hardly any Mexicans there...

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I've just arrived at my premature ejaculation support group.

I came on the bus

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Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.

At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.

At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing ...

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I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

Edit: A few of you started laughing before the end of that joke.



*Credit: Gary Delaney*

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Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

Why was the builder also good at tech support?

He could install Windows really well

If they ever put me on life support, please pull the plug.

Then push it back in and see if that works.

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"

"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman,


I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"

"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man,


" Would you support another Brexit referend...

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

"I built a new life support suit that allows me to not have to be entirely confined to a helmet and full body outfit."

\~ Darth Innovader

I am involved with a group that supports gastrointestinal awareness.

We call ourselves the bowel movement.

Why does Jackie Chan support United China?

'cause he doesn't support the Leeway

I wanted to set up a procrastinators support group

But I kept on postponing it on my reminder

If communism doesn't work, why do so many people support it ?

Because they don't work either.

I started a new support group called D.A.M

Mothers Ageist Dyslexia.

I am a parent of a one year old and I support anti vaxxer parents and super thankful of them.

They help me eliminate future competition that my kid will go against. From fortnite to Harvard.

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

I support euthanasia.

In fact, I support the youth in every continent.

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I have an appointment with a premature ejaculation support group tomorrow. I wasn't sure what I should wear.

They said just come in your pants

Life Support

After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.

The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be emplo...

I organised a support group meeting for individuals with erectile dysfunction.

Though around 20 people registered, many couldn't come.

I have unidirectional phobia, but I started going to support groups.

And finally I took a step in the right direction.

What do you call a person who falls for a tech support scam?

An Indian giver.

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My premature ejaculation sufferers support meetings were going so well

I decided to stop coming.

I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

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What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesn’t support women?

Massage a knee.

Hear about the pimp who wanted to do his part to support the victims of a disaster?

He sent THOTs and prayers.

Counsellor at a ’plastic surgery addicts’ support group...

Welcome, I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week, and I must say, I’m disappointed....

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Mothers Support Group...

At a mother's support group, a gathering of ladies with their children are talking with a therapist about life issues. After a few rounds of discussion the therapist had come to a few conclusions she wanted to share.

She looks at the first mother and says, "The reason you named your daughter...

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

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I don't support Trump, but I would never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."

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I'm starting a support group for women that can't reach orgasm.

If you can't come let me know.

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.

I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.

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"I'm so lucky to have you." I said. "You support me, take my shit and let me hug you when I'm drunk."

I love my toilet...

What do you call an alcohol made to support education?

A school shooter.

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

Doctor, doctor I'm really fat and when I play music I crash through the wooden support.

It's just a stage you're going through

I, for one, support my local police department

All of those speeding tickets I've paid *must* be buying them some pretty good stuff.

Back when I was younger, I looked in the Mario Kart Wii manual and saw it had Classic Controller Support. I thought, "How the hell do you use that?"

Looking back now that I have a Wii again, I looked at my Wii remote and said, "How the hell did I use that?

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The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday’s performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

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I don't support equal rights...

The left is fucked up too

Why did the stormtrooper call tech support for his laptop?

Because he had troubleshooting issues.

How many tech support representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?"

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.

I would never armadillo.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

One day, workers at a hospital noticed something very peculiar.

Everyday Tuesday, at approximately 11:24 pm, whichever patient was lying in bed 3 in room 152 would inexplicably die, no matter what condition they were in. This phenomenon went on for sometime, baffling scientists and doctors all over the world and starting many conspiracy theories centered on the...

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

I just joined a support group for compulsive talkers

Its called On Anon Anon

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

My buddy was feeling suicidal and approached me for support

I told him to hang in there.

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

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On Friday I’m hosting a support group for men who can’t ejaculate.

Let me know if you can’t come!

Little Johnny tells his dad he wants to marry his girl Suzie. His father asks, how will you support her? Johnny says Suzie gets a dollar a week allowance and so do I. What if there is a baby asks the dad.

Johnny says, well so far we've been lucky.

A remote laptop user calls tech support

A remote laptop user called in and frantically said that all of her emails disappeared. I found them in her deleted folder a few moments later.

Expecting her to want me to tell her how she deleted them, I was trying to come up with solutions for her but then she said, "I know how those got...

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Tech support call.

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not in...

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Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy

It's OK, he's just a little racist.

Donald Trump's advisers worry he could lose support from his base, so they suggested he change his hairstyle to better connect with white, rural voters...

...he's going to mullet over.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

The Alzheimer’s Support Society chant...

What do we want?

We don’t know!

When do we want it?

What?

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

A one-legged man walks into a tech-support store...

...and tells the man "I can't get past this 2-step authentication!"

Good afternoon everyone, and thank you for attending the plastic surgery addicts support group

I see many new faces here today.

Which is disappointing.

Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

You know what's my favorite part of my stalking support group?

You never have to introduce yourself.

What do you call a math tool that supports farming vehicle rights?

Protractor

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A man comes home from work and finds his wife packing her suitcase.

Husband: What are you doing?

Wife: I heard that they pay $400 for blowjobs in Vegas, so I'm leaving you and I won't need a man to ever support me again.

Husband: Hmmmm

Wife: What are you packing for I said I'm leaving you!!

Husband: I know! I just want to see how you liv...

I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

Hello, Tech Support?

How do I set my laser printer to stun?

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