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Election Jokes

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

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This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

Elections

If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States.

If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States

This is not about politics, I just want to travel.

Unlike past US Elections, the 2024 election is shaping up to be a feisty contest between the GOP and Dems.

The Geriatric Old People's Party and the Dementia Party.

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The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

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Whats the difference between sex and US Presidental elections?

In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

Biden runs for re-election in 2024.

He promises it will be a great first term.

What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

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The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Why haven't the Democrats made any big moves towards the upcoming election yet?

Because they are Biden their time

A vegan bitcoin investor who owns a Tesla, does CrossFit, and refused to vote in the last election walks into a bar

The real question is, what he’s going to bring up first?

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Robot Bartender makes a great Martini

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, climate change, and AI m...

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

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Why did the skid mark lose the election?

It ran a smear campaign

Credit - Amazon Alexa (seriously, I asked my Alexa to tell me a poop joke and this is what she said)

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What's the similarity between election and erection?

Only dicks can stand in both of them.

This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

This election is crazy.

One candidate has a Trump card. The other is just Biden his time. There's a lot of Harrisment between the the two of them and I don't think it looks good on either of them, that's just my 2 Pence though.

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes?

Mr. President.

2016 Presidential Election

Me: I don't like Trump.

Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!

Me: I don't like Hillary.

Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!

Me: I don't like either.

Everyone: So you're going to waste y...

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

I'm upset about the election

SNL will have to go back to political satire instead of news.

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The ...

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

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News story reminds me of old JFK "golden toilet" joke

Read in the news that thieves had been charged with stealing a $6 million gold toilet and it reminded me of this "classic."

For some reason one of the characters in this joke when it was told to me was JFK. The accent maybe made it more humorous.

JFK is on a talk show telling the story...

The election is finally over!

Let “Bye, Dons” be “Bye, Dons”!!!

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

I know who is gonna win the US election

Not the american people

Las Vegas will decide the presidential election

What are the odds?

Why do people believe in election fraud?

Christians are known to believe in something without proof.

A man walks into the Election Office.....

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So...

Yussuf Swannekamp, mayor of Whistlestop Minnesota, was running for re-election.

Polling showed a dead heat between Swannekamp and his opponent, La Hernia, with 53 votes for each candidate. Swannekamp had to find another vote if he was to stay in office. On the edge of town lived a deranged tree worshipper named Kilmer Boles, who had never voted. So Swannekamp went to the librar...

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the election is getting closer..

It's important to make sure your Viagra says "Made in the USA".

We don't want foreign countries meddling in our erections.

Why did Ronald lose the election?

People thought his elect Ron campaign was too negative.

This election Americans have 2 choices.

Get whacked with a baseball bat or a softball bat.

What do you call an election ballot in mexico?







pick-o-de-guy-o

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

Shhhh, Want to know the secret of how Biden won the election?

He got more votes.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

Question: Who is the Governor of California after Yesterday's Election?

Answer: We can't recall.

How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

I guess we can call the next election, "the hindsight election."

Because it will be 2020.

My wife is a lot like the general election...

She only comes once every 4 years.

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Walking home after a blowout Election Day party.

Two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wi...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

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