The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

A politician visited a village ahead of an election

When asking the local residents what is the two biggest issues are someone spoke up from the crowd “we have a hospital but no doctor”

The politician immediately pulled out his phone, dialled a number, spoke briefly, hung up, then told the village attendants a doctor has been sourced and will ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same....

They also mean the same thing... A dick rising to power

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

What if Jagmet Singh won the election

and it was actually Justin Trudeau all along.

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Voting in the election is similar to this sub

the same speech will win, but there’s always a different face to it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a really smart bee.

Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, ...

What do Chinese do when they have an election?

They go to their spouse.

2024 Election

Kanye delaying his 2020 presidential bid to 2024.



That's the whole joke.

A politician walks into a small town...

An election campaign politician visits a small town and asks the mayor what problems do they have. He replies that they have two problems. The first one is that they have a hospital but they don't have a doctor.

The politician takes out his mobile phone, makes a call and discusses for a while...

If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like..

[removed]

Old man goes to polling place asking if his wife had already voted.

So the old man approaches the polling official and ask if his wife already voted. They ask for her full name and sure enough, she had already voted. He said Oh darn! She died 6 years ago but she keeps voting on every election and I was hoping to see her once again.

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The change of position over time is velocity

The change of velocity over time is acceleration.
The change of acceleration over time is a jerk.
The change of a jerk over time is an election.

How many Russians does it take to make Hillary Clinton lose an election?

None

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elections are like trying to sculpt a beautiful sculpture out of shit

You start out with shit and by the end of the day it's still shit

A man owns an elections store

One day, another electronics store opens up beside him with a massive sign proclaiming "Best deals"

In the afternoon of the same day another electronics store opens up on the other side with a ginormous sign claiming "lowest prices"

The man is worried until he has a brilliant idea. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

What would you call it if SpongeBob ran for governer?

A goobernatorial election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.


An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

What are you called when you're rich and in a hurry to rig the U.S. election?

A Russian Oligarch.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, Obama, and a little girl are on a crashing plane wit only 3 parachutes...

Hilary Clinton says, ” I'm off to win the next election, ” takes a parachute, and jumps off. Donald Trump says, ”I’m better than you fools, you're fired, ” picks one up, and jumps off. Obama says to the girl, ” you are our future, you take the last parachute.” The girl responds with, ”no, we both ...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian man is talking to a white man.

The Asian man says, "I don't understand your elections"

The white man says, "My fetish is my business, piss off"

It's hard to win an argument against a woman. Impossible to win against an idiot

And that concludes my examination of the 2016 Presidential election

Why does the Russian presidential election smell bad?

Cause the winners always pootin'

-Sorry

Despite the fact she is a Democrat, Monica Lewinsky decided to vote for Trump in the last election...

....she said to her friend, "I'd like to vote for Hillary, but the last Clinton left a very foul taste in my mouth."

A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.