Today marks 69 days until the US Presidential Election...

...nice

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

The 2020 Election isn't going to be determined by Hanging Chads...

...but by Swaying Karens.

Why i love being Russian

I get to vote in the US election



FYI: I am actually British and never have stepped foot in Russia

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

With the elections around the corner, do you know who had the best shot at POTUS?

Lee Harvey Oswald.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

If Russia interfered in USA elections, that proves the system works just a little

At least someone's vote counts

The 2020 Election Results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

Come to think of it, it's a good thing Bush won the 2000 election over Al Gore...

Now we have to deal with Bushisms... otherwise we would have had to deal with Algorithms!

I’m American and won’t be voting in the upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m 15

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an election and an erection?

One only involves one dick, the other involves many

What would the White House be like for Trump if he loses the 2020 election?

For-Biden Entry

I really hope Donald Trump wins this election

Best way to prevent COVID-19 spreading at the inauguration

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

After elections president Putin receives a call

- Mr. President I have two news, a good one and a bad one.
- Start from the good one.
- You got elected president again.
- And the bad one?
- No one voted for you.

Joke from my Russian friend about the last presidential election:

Advisor: Putin! I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Putin: The good news of course.

Advisor: You won the election!

Putin: So then whats the bad news?

Advisor: No one voted for you.

I've decided that I will not vote in the next election for the following reasons, please hear me out.





I'm 14

The papal elections came down to two contenders:

Cardinal Koch and Cardinal Sea. The votes were tallied and Cardinal Koch won by 1 vote. However, moments later, Koch suffered a massive heart attack.

The Dean came out of the room where they took Koch. He looked at the assembled cardinals. They asked, “Will we have Pope Koch?”. The Dean shook...

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are strippers good at elections?

Because they know how to work the pole.

I can’t believe they’re considering an all mail election...

...females worked so hard to get voting rights

What’s the biggest difference between Trump and Putin?

Putin knows how to win a U.S. election

Following are the options of the north korean elections

A:Kim Jong Un
B:A
C:B
D:C

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This must be the place where the US election happen

Because they have a fucking joke of a president.

Latest Fox News election poll shows Trump way ahead ...

... in all 87 states.

The 2020 election might be full of great choices

Like which elderly racist New York businessman to vote for.

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Obama once visited North Korea and he asked Kim Yong Un: "Do you ever have elections?" (NSFW)

Kim replied: "Yes I have elections evely molning!"

Why did the Three Stooges win the election?

They had Moementum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

We’ll probably see an uptick in write in votes for “Shakira’s hips” during this years election.

They - for one - at least do not lie

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

Did you hear the one about the Senator who won his election despite not having thumbs?

He ran unopposed.

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

A man is dispatched by the UN to investigate the quality of the democracy in China.

Upon arrival, he has a meeting with the chinese president. He asks the president:

Do you have elections?

The president seems somewhat uncomfortable but answers:

Evely molning

I was going to vote in the primary, but I got to the polling place late...

....and I just had to sit in my car until my favorite song, "Tom Sawyer," ended.

But by the time I exited the vehicle, it was too late for me to enter the polling place. I'm really frustrated because it's not the first time that has happened to me.

I'm so sick of Rush's interference i...

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

What do you call a multiple choice quiz in Russia?

An election.

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

What if Jagmet Singh won the election

and it was actually Justin Trudeau all along.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This new election is a shitstorm

But I’m hoping we at least have one law a-Biden politician

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat...

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

Voting in the election is similar to this sub

the same speech will win, but there’s always a different face to it

What are you called when you're rich and in a hurry to rig the U.S. election?

A Russian Oligarch.

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elections are like trying to sculpt a beautiful sculpture out of shit

You start out with shit and by the end of the day it's still shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.


An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like the world is ending these days

We’ve got all this awful shit just falling from the sky. Climate change, global pandemics, economic crashes, Australian wildfire, elections, Kobe Bryant,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Adolf Hitler?

Hitler won an election.

What do Chinese do when they have an election?

They go to their spouse.

A man owns an elections store

One day, another electronics store opens up beside him with a massive sign proclaiming "Best deals"

In the afternoon of the same day another electronics store opens up on the other side with a ginormous sign claiming "lowest prices"

The man is worried until he has a brilliant idea. The...

How many Russians does it take to make Hillary Clinton lose an election?

None

Trump chats with russians

Trump: Hey Russia, have you heard about rigma?

Russia: No, what’s rigma?

Trump: RIGMA ELECTION

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

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