United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Whats the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?

In nascar they wear their sponsors on their shirts.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and erection.

Election and erection are spelled almost exactly the same. They mean the same thing too, a dick rising to power.

What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

What do Chinese do when they have an election?

They go to their spouse.

Voting in the election is similar to this sub

the same speech will win, but there’s always a different face to it

2024 Election

Kanye delaying his 2020 presidential bid to 2024.



That's the whole joke.

How many Russians does it take to make Hillary Clinton lose an election?

None

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elections are like trying to sculpt a beautiful sculpture out of shit

You start out with shit and by the end of the day it's still shit

I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.


An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like..

[removed]

A man owns an elections store

One day, another electronics store opens up beside him with a massive sign proclaiming "Best deals"

In the afternoon of the same day another electronics store opens up on the other side with a ginormous sign claiming "lowest prices"

The man is worried until he has a brilliant idea. The...

What are you called when you're rich and in a hurry to rig the U.S. election?

A Russian Oligarch.

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2nd place in a presidential election.

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.

(Bad but OC)

I lost the election to a pair of socks.

I can taste defeat.

I’m from a future where Trump won re-election and solved Global Warming

Just a heads up though, nuclear winter is a bit chilly.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

Why did Donald Trump win 2016 election?

Because "Deez Nuts" isn't a valid candidate.

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

In an alternate universe, the 2016 Presidential Election didn’t go as planned...

Let’s say it’s an alternate universe. The race is in between Bernie, Hilary, and Donald for position of POTUS. But since no one liked any of the candidates, nobody voted. Absolutely nobody. So Congress decides that this will be settled with an ACTUAL Presidential race. As in, the three candidates h...

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election...

But let's not compare Apples to Oranges.

What do you call a Bee that tries to interfere with an election?

A Cagey Bee.

Heard the one about the Russian hacker meddling in US elections?

The FBI agent monitoring your phone is going to love it!

On Election Day, here's a little tip that I learned in high school civics class:

Vote for option C every time, and you'll get at least 75% correct.

Why did Ronald lose the election?

People thought his elect Ron campaign was too negative

My daughter keeps refreshing the latest election results.

And my only goal in life was to keep her off the polls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The change of position over time is velocity

The change of velocity over time is acceleration.
The change of acceleration over time is a jerk.
The change of a jerk over time is an election.

What would you call it if SpongeBob ran for governer?

A goobernatorial election.

2016 Presidential Election

Me: I don't like Trump.

Everyone: So you support a liar like Hillary? She should be in jail!

Me: I don't like Hillary.

Everyone: So you support a racist like Trump?! He doesn't stand for American values!

Me: I don't like either.

Everyone: So you're going to waste y...

Putin recently won the Russian election with a 76.6% majority...

Oddly enough 23.4% of Russian citizens were found poisoned a few days afterwards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

Despite the fact she is a Democrat, Monica Lewinsky decided to vote for Trump in the last election...

....she said to her friend, "I'd like to vote for Hillary, but the last Clinton left a very foul taste in my mouth."

Putin's top official comes to him after the election...

"You won with 99% of the vote! Only 1% if Russia voted against you! What more could you want?" The officer said overjoyed.

Putin stared at him. "Their names."

What do you call someone who lost an election by 2 million votes?

Mr. President.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery...

Donald and Hillary go into a bakery while on the campaign trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to The Donald: “See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything, and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win the el...

A vegan, a bitcoin trader, and someone who didn't vote in 2016 election all walk into a bar

Who tells you about it first?

How do you stop the Russians from interfering your country's elections?

Bring in the Olympic drug-testers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

Why does the Russian presidential election smell bad?

Cause the winners always pootin'

-Sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between sex and US Presidental elections?

In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seriously guys. We had a fair election. Stop protesting and trying to stop him from being our leader. He's your leader now, so deal with it.

...said the Nazis to the Jews.

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act.

Turnout was high.

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"'cuz there's Bush and there's Gore."

[OC] NSFW

Why is Roy Moore so mad about the election anyways?

He normally likes coming in a little behind.

If Trump wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

If Clinton wins the election, I'm leaving the country.

This isn't a political post; I just want to travel.

Putin is sitting at his desk, waiting upon the results of the recent election

An election official walks in and announces himself.

"Mr. Putin, I have good news and bad news. Which would you prefer to hear first?"

"Let me hear the good news first", Putin says.

"Okay, good news is that you've won the election! Congratulations!"

"And the bad news?"...

What happened to all the proof about Russia rigging the elections?

(removed)

Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The ...

Why did Roy Moore lose the election?

There’s a minimum age for voting

My dad told me this one, a great man!

A man dies and he's greeted by a man in a suit,
"Welcome to the realm of the dead! Heaven or Hell?" He asks
"Well, ill see which one I like better!"
The man in a suit sends him to Heaven and God greets him, "Hello there, here you will do your chores, live happily, work, etc, just like on E...

When Roy Moore lost the election he went straight to the liquor store.

He heard they had a 14-year-old Brandy.

The Alabama Senate elections are in! And even though it was tight,

Roy Moore came in a little behind.

As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, Obama, and a little girl are on a crashing plane wit only 3 parachutes...

Hilary Clinton says, ” I'm off to win the next election, ” takes a parachute, and jumps off. Donald Trump says, ”I’m better than you fools, you're fired, ” picks one up, and jumps off. Obama says to the girl, ” you are our future, you take the last parachute.” The girl responds with, ”no, we both ...

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

It's the end of the 2016 presidential election and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted .

The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide the next president. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The two candidates line up at the starting line. Trump goes first, clocking in at 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes next, running as fast as ...

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year...

Now, it's Election night.

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

I don't think Putin won a fair election

Hillary won the popular vote

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

Before the election, I told myself that I would leave the country if Trump got elected.

Well, I did it, and it only took 11 months for the immigration officials to find me.

A lot of people keep saying to me Trump cheated the election.

Well, honestly we shouldn't be Russian to collusion's.

To teach my kids about the election I let them vote for dinner.

They voted for pizza so I made tacos to teach them their vote doesn't matter anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is this election historic?

It's the first time we're guaranteed there'll be a cunt in the oval office.

Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange...

I got to experience a scary bizarro world were sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.