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Election Jokes

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

Elections

If the Republicans win the midterms, I will leave the United States.

If the Democrats win the midterms, I will leave the United States

This is not about politics, I just want to travel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the skid mark lose the election?

It ran a smear campaign

Credit - Amazon Alexa (seriously, I asked my Alexa to tell me a poop joke and this is what she said)

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

I was going to post a joke about free and fair elections....

But I’m not sure the Americans will get it.

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

I’ve just time travelled from next week to tell you who won the election

It was the rich, old white guy

On Election Day, what did Delaware?

Her New Jersey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between election and erection?

Only dicks can stand in both of them.

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

I'm not sure about the current US government

Kinda feels like they're just Biden time until the next election..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between election and erection?

A dick rising to power.

Biden runs for re-election in 2024.

He promises it will be a great first term.

After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

Yussuf Swannekamp, mayor of Whistlestop Minnesota, was running for re-election.

Polling showed a dead heat between Swannekamp and his opponent, La Hernia, with 53 votes for each candidate. Swannekamp had to find another vote if he was to stay in office. On the edge of town lived a deranged tree worshipper named Kilmer Boles, who had never voted. So Swannekamp went to the librar...

A vegan bitcoin investor who does CrossFit and didn't vote in the 2016 election walks into a bar.

Now everyone's wondering what he's gonna bring up first.

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians.

Trump, Putin, Zelensky, and a little girl are on a boat in the Atlantic Ocean, and the boat is completely surrounded by man eating sharks.

There are only three life vests on board, meaning one of them will have to stay behind.

"I can't die yet! I have my next election to win!" And Trump takes a life vest and jumps.

"I can't die yet! I have a war to win!" And Putin takes a life vest and jumps.

Meanwhile, Zelensky an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 2016 US Presidential Election

That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

Why is bribery illegal in election?

Because you actually get what you were promised.

a Trumper dies and goes to heaven.

After getting processed in by St.Peter he goes to find God. He finds God in the garden listening to the birds.

M: "Can I ask you something?"

G: "Anything my child"

M: "Who was the rightful victor of the 2020 US election?"

G: "Joe Biden won fair and square my child"
...

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"Cause there's Bush and there's Gore.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

Donald Trump claims he won the election by a landslide

How else would you describe his campaign other than a ‘natural disaster’?

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

There was clear fraud and cheating in the 2020 United States Presidential election

and despite cheating, Trump still lost!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Library patron: Can I get the book on Kyrsten Sinema's re-election?

Librarian: Is this a joke?
Library Patron: Yeah, that's the one.

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

I know who is gonna win the US election

Not the american people

A man walks into the Election Office.....

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

What did the Republicans do when Obama won the election 2 times in a row?

They pulled out their Trump card

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

Question: Who is the Governor of California after Yesterday's Election?

Answer: We can't recall.

Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?

Because of Germans rushing to the polls!

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Shhhh, Want to know the secret of how Biden won the election?

He got more votes.

What do you call an election ballot in mexico?







pick-o-de-guy-o

This year has been so weird it feels like tomorrow isn't election day

Oh yeah I'm not American

As they say during election season in Transylvania...

Every Count Votes

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

No matter who wins the election

Oklahoma will be OK

I was going to make a joke about the result of the US election

But I don't think you would ever get it

This 2020 Presidential election reminds me of the 2000 election....

But a lot less Gore-y

Apparently Monica Lewinsky didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton this election.

She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Las Vegas will decide the presidential election

What are the odds?

Maybe we should start believing Donald Trump about election fraud

Because nobody knows more about fraud than donald trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an erection and an election?

One involves only one dick, and the other involves many.

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

How much time does it take a politician to change a lightbulb?

4 years

They have to wait until election season before they can get anything done.

My wife is a lot like the general election...

She only comes once every 4 years.

I'm upset about the election

SNL will have to go back to political satire instead of news.

This election is crazy.

One candidate has a Trump card. The other is just Biden his time. There's a lot of Harrisment between the the two of them and I don't think it looks good on either of them, that's just my 2 Pence though.

Biden and Trump compete against each other in an election. Who loses?

The American people

I heard Trump hired a personal trainer before the election

He thought it would help him pick up more votes.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dogs sniff each other's bottoms

A long time ago, dogs used to have detachable bottoms. The polite thing to do when they went places was to remove their bottom and hang it up on a hook. Kind of like a hat on a hat-rack.



Now this was a time of prohibition. The local mob boss was running a speakeasy in the basement of...

How many Bernie Sanders supporters does it take to win a primary election?

Trick question. They can't win, because they don't vote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

If Trump loses the election at least he’ll get a movie deal

The Lyin’ King

If Donald trump knew the Democrats we're going to rig the election months ago and still couldn't stop them

Does that make their plan fool proof?

Donald Trump still doesn’t realize that he has lost the 2020 Presidential Election.

Things like this become obvious when the writing is on the wall, but the wall was never finished.

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The REAL winner of this election is...

WEED!

It may not be funny but I'm laughing my ass off.

Even after losing the election and his image, what is the one thing Trump still hasn’t lost?

His weight.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

With the election coming up Tuesday, Exit polls show Donald Trump having a 300 point lead in one state...

Dementia.

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

Trump is missing in action since the election, where is he?

Shredding documents

How can you know for sure whether someone is really vaccinated?

Ask them who won the election.

Waiting for the US election results is giving me the same nerves as the NZ election the other week did

That would be no nerves, I’m British.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the election is getting closer..

It's important to make sure your Viagra says "Made in the USA".

We don't want foreign countries meddling in our erections.

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote,

Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

The election is finally over!

Let “Bye, Dons” be “Bye, Dons”!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a blowout Election Day party.

Two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wi...

Joke about it all you want, but Rudy Giuliani is prepared to fight election fraud all the way up to the Supreme ...

... Courtyard by Marriott

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

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