Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt?

They are called mummy jokes.

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Once upon a time on a dig in Egypt...

A few years ago I was in Egypt, on a dig site, not far from the banks of the Nile but out of the way of the Pyramids and Statues you'd associate with the usual "big finds" of the late 19th/early 20th century.

We were looking for a tomb, a new paper had raised interesting questions about a po...

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor

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Why Did The Couple Have Sex Inside The Pyramids of Egypt?

They wanted to go down in history.

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

Trump must have been born in Egypt...

He was obviously born in De Nile.

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition.

After some digging, they found a pyramid and a mummy inside it. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come ...

I got a new dog... His name is Egypt

because he keeps leaving little pyramids around the house.

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

What was the biggest scam in Ancient Egypt?

A Pyramid Scheme.

Urgent news: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archologist believe it maybe Pharaoh Roche...

Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love...

They all live in de-Nile

My friend just went to Egypt

He had a break up and now he's in denial

I visited a strange, small shop on my trip to Egypt...

They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.

What can I say about my trip to Egypt...

-I thought I was having fun, but I was in denile the whole time.

Archaeologist digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in Chocolate and hazelnuts

And believe it to be Pharoaoh Rocher

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What do you get when you cross an arab man with an Egyptian man?

Nothing, in both those countries homosexuality is illegal and it is banned.

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Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pl...

What do two people who eat beans have in common with Ancient Egypt?

They “toot in common”

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

Pyramids were not the tallest structures in Egypt...

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school.

His father asks him what they were talking about. "Exodus" he answers. "Oh, and what did you learn?" inquires father. "Well, you see Moses was leading his people out of Egypt and they came to the Red Sea. To get across Moses picks up his radio and calls for engineers. They quickly build pontoon brid...

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor

Back in 1950's Egypt...

Nasser wanted to know the age of a ancient statue that had been recently excavated. He went up to his KGB advisers and asked if their technicians could help. Just a few hours later, one of the KGB men told Nasser "The statue is just about 5,000 years old." Nasser was very impressed and asked "How di...

Did you know the first trans people came from Egypt?

It was when daddy's became mummy's

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

A man tried to walk on water in Egypt

He regretted it, he was very in denile

They need to move China to Egypt ...

... because they are in a deep state of denial.

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

In what part of Egypt do people tell lies?

Denial River

Landed a job a few weeks ago as an archeologist excavating tombs in Egypt. But when I went in for work, they just had me go and recruit more archeologists.

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme

What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

Damn girl are you from Egypt?

Because A'frican love you.

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

A Woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

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A few years back, I dated a Weather Girl...

When she broke up with me on our first anniversary, she said

"Our sex life is like the rainfall in Egypt. 7 inches a year."

But it's funny, I don't remember fucking her a second time.

Why was the Jamaican man doubting himself that he swam in Egypt

He was In De Nile

What's the most commonly used type of fraud in Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

Did you hear the score of the football game between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t

I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt's Valley of the Kings

but it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme

A man goes to Egypt.

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says "Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."

"A camel?" the man asks. "Why would I take a camel?"

"Well," the car renter explains "they're as fast as a car,...

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

My friend just had a baby, and named her Egypt.

Poor child is gonna have the weirdest walk.

Who lives in Egypt?

Mommy



\*Credit: my 5 yr old after learning about pyramids at school\*

All the world leaders met for a summit in Egypt.

I guess the reigns down in Africa.

An Egyptian man told me this joke

A man is riding in a cab in Egypt, when the car comes to a red light. Instead of slowing down, the driver accelerates and blows right through the red light.

"What the hell are you doing?!", yells the man.

"Don't worry", answers the driver, pointing to his chest. "Egyptian driver here, ...

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in *da nile.*

Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies

"Ya right, mon, you in denial"

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

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My mate John just got back from a holiday in Egypt...

He said he had a great time riding camels. His was a female camel.
I asked him how he knew his was a female.
He replied. 'I overheard the guy behind me say.'
"Look at the cunt on that."

What did the school in Egypt finally get?

A new bus.

(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt

They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, "Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Tony Blair goes, ...

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.

Old Egyptian joke

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine wether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.


Later that night,...

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's day?

They prefer mummies.

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How do you know when the king of Egypt is horny?

...From all the Pharaoh moans.

A new tomb with a mummy was discovered in Egypt

A new tomb with a mummy was discovered in Egypt, but world's experts could not decode any of the wall writings to figure out the name of the king or what dynasty he belonged too. Eventually they asked the USSR to see, if maybe they had an expert who could help. The USSR sent 4 KGB officers, who walk...

Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game?

Egypt: 8.

Ethopia: Didn't.

Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

TIL: They found an unopened tomb in Egypt and a new Pharaoh last month

The strange thing was he was wrapped in foil - his name is Pharaoh Rocher

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?

Because they're so full of mummies

(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

My friend Victor is a historian

He invited me to a party at his house and started introducing me to all his colleagues.
“This is Victor, he’s a historian of the renaissance. The guy next to him is Victor Jr, he’s a historian of ancient Egypt. And those two guys over there are Victor and Victor, they are doing great work on Mes...

A Jamaican is sightseeing in Egypt.

A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. "Coo yah!" he says. "It's tootin' car, mon!"

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

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So a British Sergeant is deported to Egypt...

And he is forced to live in a mudhut in a small village far from any civilization.

After a few weeks he realizes that he can't fight his sexual urges, but he's too much of a proper gentleman to masturbate. So turns to his servant and asks "My dear Achmed, I feel like my hedonistic urges are t...

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A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt.

A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt. The soldier guiding him shows him were the basic things are. Beds, toilets, where to get food etc. Eventually the soldier ask "look this is all very well but, what do you do for sex?" And his guide responds "we use the camels." The soldier thinks...

What happens if the protesters in Egypt win?

They advance to the finals against Tunisia.

So there's apparently been over 200, well preserved tibia excavated in the area surrounding the great pyramid in Egypt...

sources say it was a real shin dig.

Did you hear about the new tomb that they found in Egypt?

It contains hazelnuts and coco and experts think that the tomb belonged to the...Ferrero Rocher

:)))

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

Moses was commiserating with the Hebrews in Egypt

Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good ...

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A Tourist in Egypt is walking through the desert...

A Tourist in Egypt is walking through the desert on his way from one Oasis to another.

After a while, he spots a man, sitting in the middle of the desert, looking like he was holding on to an invisible steering wheel, and loudly going "Vroom! Vrooooom!!". Confused, he stepped closer. "Excuse...

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies,...

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A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks fo...

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