UPJOKE
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Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt?

They are called mummy jokes.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they wouldn't fit in the British Museum.

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

I went to egypt for a week

the giza pyramids are quite majestic

but those camel riders are pretty scammy, they would charge you 5 times more money if they recognize you're a tourist

they're running some kind of scheme

*a pyramid scheme*

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

My kid's doing his masters' thesis on ancient Egypt plumbing design

He's a Pharaoh faucet major

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

...

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

They've unearthed a sarcophagus in Egypt filled with chocolate and nuts

The mummy was wrapped in gold foil, so they believe it is the legendary Pharaoh Rocher

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

A mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists and historians believe it must be Pharoah Roche.

some tourists are visiting Egypt and they go to see the sacred bull

While they're there the caretaker comes and grabs the bull and says

"sorry I need to take apis".

The tourists are shocked so they ask "on the bull"?!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What is an old person called in Egypt?

a Giza

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A lone camel driver was about to embark upon a long journey from west Sahara to Egypt.

He packed all the gear he could think of for the journey that would last for a couple of months. No thing had escaped his mind. Lots of water, food, first aid kit, even three toothbrushes to last him the whole way.

Only after a week, well into the desert did it dawn on him that while he had r...

My best friend drowned in Egypt.

I’m in denile.

Roman Dating

Caesar and Brutus were chatting over a goblet of wine one day.

Caesar says, "I had a hot date with a girl from Egypt that I met the other night."

Brutus asks, "What was her name?"

Caesar says, "Cleopatra."

Brutus asks, "How did the date go? "

Caesar answers, "vidi ...

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor

Russian military supremacy

You may wonder why Russian army is superior to all other armies. Well, it is because of their excellent strategy and tactics. For example, during six days war, Russian officers advised Egypt how to defeat Israel. The advise was: draw enemy deep inside the country and wait for winter!

What was the biggest scam in Ancient Egypt?

A Pyramid Scheme.

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Why Did The Couple Have Sex Inside The Pyramids of Egypt?

They wanted to go down in history.

Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love...

They all live in de-Nile

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

I visited a strange, small shop on my trip to Egypt...

They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.

Trump must have been born in Egypt...

He was obviously born in De Nile.

Pyramids were not the tallest structures in Egypt...

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

What can I say about my trip to Egypt...

-I thought I was having fun, but I was in denile the whole time.

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor

What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

In what part of Egypt do people tell lies?

Denial River

Back in 1950's Egypt...

Nasser wanted to know the age of a ancient statue that had been recently excavated. He went up to his KGB advisers and asked if their technicians could help. Just a few hours later, one of the KGB men told Nasser "The statue is just about 5,000 years old." Nasser was very impressed and asked "How di...

My friend just went to Egypt

He had a break up and now he's in denial

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning.

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

Damn girl are you from Egypt?

Because A'frican love you.

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

Did you know the first trans people came from Egypt?

It was when daddy's became mummy's

They need to move China to Egypt ...

... because they are in a deep state of denial.

A man tried to walk on water in Egypt

He regretted it, he was very in denile

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

Did you guys hear about the dog in Egypt that found the hidden bones of a Pharro?

Yeah, he is a real barkeologist!

A man goes to Egypt.

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says "Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."

"A camel?" the man asks. "Why would I take a camel?"

"Well," the car renter explains "they're as fast as a car,...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

Landed a job a few weeks ago as an archeologist excavating tombs in Egypt. But when I went in for work, they just had me go and recruit more archeologists.

Turns out it was a pyramid scheme

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Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pl...

Why was the Jamaican man doubting himself that he swam in Egypt

He was In De Nile

Who lives in Egypt?

Mommy



\*Credit: my 5 yr old after learning about pyramids at school\*

Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

Did you hear the score of the football game between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

What did the school in Egypt finally get?

A new bus.

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in *da nile.*

Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies

"Ya right, mon, you in denial"

My friend just had a baby, and named her Egypt.

Poor child is gonna have the weirdest walk.

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

What's the most commonly used type of fraud in Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

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How do you know when the king of Egypt is horny?

...From all the Pharaoh moans.

All the world leaders met for a summit in Egypt.

I guess the reigns down in Africa.

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My mate John just got back from a holiday in Egypt...

He said he had a great time riding camels. His was a female camel.
I asked him how he knew his was a female.
He replied. 'I overheard the guy behind me say.'
"Look at the cunt on that."

I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt's Valley of the Kings

but it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme

(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt

They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, "Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Tony Blair goes, ...

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's day?

They prefer mummies.

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.

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So a British Sergeant is deported to Egypt...

And he is forced to live in a mudhut in a small village far from any civilization.

After a few weeks he realizes that he can't fight his sexual urges, but he's too much of a proper gentleman to masturbate. So turns to his servant and asks "My dear Achmed, I feel like my hedonistic urges are t...

So there's apparently been over 200, well preserved tibia excavated in the area surrounding the great pyramid in Egypt...

sources say it was a real shin dig.

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?

Because they're so full of mummies

(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game?

Egypt: 8.

Ethopia: Didn't.

Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

What happens if the protesters in Egypt win?

They advance to the finals against Tunisia.

TIL: They found an unopened tomb in Egypt and a new Pharaoh last month

The strange thing was he was wrapped in foil - his name is Pharaoh Rocher

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

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Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school.

His father asks him what they were talking about. "Exodus" he answers. "Oh, and what did you learn?" inquires father. "Well, you see Moses was leading his people out of Egypt and they came to the Red Sea. To get across Moses picks up his radio and calls for engineers. They quickly build pontoon brid...

Walk like an Egyptian

I have to admit. I'm pretty disappointed. I met a guy from Egypt today He walked just like us.

Did you hear about the new tomb that they found in Egypt?

It contains hazelnuts and coco and experts think that the tomb belonged to the...Ferrero Rocher

:)))

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies,...

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A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt.

A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt. The soldier guiding him shows him were the basic things are. Beds, toilets, where to get food etc. Eventually the soldier ask "look this is all very well but, what do you do for sex?" And his guide responds "we use the camels." The soldier thinks...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

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