It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts.

Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

I can see that my friend has fallen out of a river boat in Egypt but he refuses to accept it.

I think he’s in denial.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the job market in ancient Egypt so shitty?

It was full of pyramid schemes

What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?

They become mummies.

Why was the Jamaican man doubting himself that he swam in Egypt

He was In De Nile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pl...

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

You know, they worshipped felines in ancient egypt

They’re called “Aristocats”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.

The old man slowly reached over and push...

Who lives in Egypt?

Mommy

​

\*Credit: my 5 yr old after learning about pyramids at school\*

I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt's Valley of the Kings

but it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

Did you hear the score of the football game between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t

Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

I hurt my back in Egypt.

It got so bad I had to see a Cairopractor.

Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's day?

They prefer mummies.

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

Did you hear about the new tomb that they found in Egypt?

It contains hazelnuts and coco and experts think that the tomb belonged to the...Ferrero Rocher

:)))

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, yo...

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

A man goes to Egypt.

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says "Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."

"A camel?" the man asks. "Why would I take a camel?"

"Well," the car renter explains "they're as fast as a car,...

Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game?

Egypt: 8.

Ethopia: Didn't.

Me: Did you know that the fish in Egypt dont believe in global warming?

Friend: ....
Me: Yeah, they're in Da Nile

I found out how to get buried cheaply in Egypt.

Send me $10 and I'll tell you.

I tried to convince my friend he was swimming in Egypt but he wouldn't believe me.

He was in denial.

Back in 1950's Egypt...

Nasser wanted to know the age of a ancient statue that had been recently excavated. He went up to his KGB advisers and asked if their technicians could help. Just a few hours later, one of the KGB men told Nasser "The statue is just about 5,000 years old." Nasser was very impressed and asked "How di...

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

TIL: They found an unopened tomb in Egypt and a new Pharaoh last month

The strange thing was he was wrapped in foil - his name is Pharaoh Rocher

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

Damn girl are you from Egypt?

Because A'frican love you.

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.

Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies

"Ya right, mon, you in denial"

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?

Because they're so full of mummies

(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt

They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, "Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Tony Blair goes, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

What did the school in Egypt finally get?

A new bus.

My Friend Shipped Me To Egypt Overnight

I can't believe it! Its been two days and I'm still in De-Nile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate John just got back from a holiday in Egypt...

He said he had a great time riding camels. His was a female camel.
I asked him how he knew his was a female.
He replied. 'I overheard the guy behind me say.'
"Look at the cunt on that."

A Jamaican is sightseeing in Egypt.

A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. "Coo yah!" he says. "It's tootin' car, mon!"

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies,...

Excuse me, are you interested in courses on ancient Egypt?

I promise it's not a pyramid scheme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt.

A soldier is being shown round his new base in Egypt. The soldier guiding him shows him were the basic things are. Beds, toilets, where to get food etc. Eventually the soldier ask "look this is all very well but, what do you do for sex?" And his guide responds "we use the camels." The soldier thinks...

A man from Egypt, a man from Paris and a man from Liverpool are all on a hot air balloon ride

The man from Egypt says "we're in Egypt! I can see the beautiful pyramids". A while later the man from Paris says "we're in Paris! I can see the Eiffel Tower from here". Next, the man from Liverpool spoke. He said "we're in Liverpool! I can see someone stealing my car!".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you know when the king of Egypt is horny?

...From all the Pharaoh moans.

A man in ancient Egypt commits a crime. The Pharaoh says "The penalty for your crime is death." "How would like to die?"

"Death by old age"

A ship is navigating along the Mediterranean coastline through some thick fog...

One of the crew members approaches the captain. "Sir I think we made a wrong turn and were heading downriver though Egypt."

"Egypt?" The captain ponders over his charts for a moment before shaking his head "No no, I think were definitely on course"

The crew member shrugs and returns to...

Moses was commiserating with the Hebrews in Egypt

Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good ...

So there's apparently been over 200, well preserved tibia excavated in the area surrounding the great pyramid in Egypt...

sources say it was a real shin dig.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made...

I got a call from Egypt today.

They tried to get me involved in a pyramid scheme.

(Credit to my wife for this one)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a British Sergeant is deported to Egypt...

And he is forced to live in a mudhut in a small village far from any civilization.

After a few weeks he realizes that he can't fight his sexual urges, but he's too much of a proper gentleman to masturbate. So turns to his servant and asks "My dear Achmed, I feel like my hedonistic urges are t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Tourist in Egypt is walking through the desert...

A Tourist in Egypt is walking through the desert on his way from one Oasis to another.

After a while, he spots a man, sitting in the middle of the desert, looking like he was holding on to an invisible steering wheel, and loudly going "Vroom! Vrooooom!!". Confused, he stepped closer. "Excuse...

Common political joke from a village in Egypt

It was voting day in Egypt and a man's wife repeatedly reminded him to go vote during his lunch break. Deciding that Hosny Mubarak had a long enough reign, he decided to vote for the other guy.
Feeling proud of his decision, he told his wife. She became hysterical and scream "What have you done?...

What happens if the protesters in Egypt win?

They advance to the finals against Tunisia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Tut is having a Hieroglyphics class in Ancient Egypt.

The teacher dictates: "Our Pharaoh, King of the Kings, Son of Ra, strong as a crocodile and manly as.."
And Tut, from the back of the class, asks:
-How many balls is "manly" spelled with?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 20 year old man visited his 100 year old grandmother

The 20 year old asked what was her secret to living so long.
His grandmother replied, "I will tell you if you do one thing for me, tell me how grains of sand on every beach in the entire world!"
The 20 year old planning to travel the world took this challenge and set off counting every grain ...

What is a Nihilist?

Someone who studies rivers in Egypt.

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a brothel. NSFW

He goes to the first floor to find a sign that says "slow fucks"

Then he goes to the second floor to find another sign that says "fast fucks"

When he reached the third floor he found a paper on the ground he bend over to pick it up, only to find someone fucking him,he reads the paper, ...

Adventures in Camel Riding

A man goes to Egypt on a holiday with quite a bit of money to spend. One day, he finds a shop with a camel for hire. Knowing that riding a camel would make treks through the desert much easier, the man decides to hire the camel. The man said to the Egyptian shop owner, “How do I control him?” The Eg...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why can't they teach drivers ed on the same day as sex ed in Egypt?

Wears out the camel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The American and the Camel

An American tech guru made a bunch of money from selling his Bitcoins and decided that now was the time to visit Egypt to see the various ancient tombs of the pharaohs.

He went to Jamal's Used Camel lot to purchase a camel to ride across the desert, as he had seen in many video games.

...

Time telling camel

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?”
The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

CUT TO THE PAST

Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and liking the sphere, accepts it.

He presses the Sphere and to his bewilderment, he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades.
...

I got scammed by a market vendor in Cairo

Egypt me