UPJOKE
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Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt?

They are called mummy jokes.

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

...

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they are too big to transport to British museums

What's the difference between the Great Pyramid in Egypt and the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas?

Ages of neglect and pillaging have caused one of them to fall into utter disrepair. The other is in Egypt.

Back in 1950's Egypt...

Nasser wanted to know the age of a ancient statue that had been recently excavated. He went up to his KGB advisers and asked if their technicians could help. Just a few hours later, one of the KGB men told Nasser "The statue is just about 5,000 years old." Nasser was very impressed and asked "How di...

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

what's the most common doctors in Egypt?

"Cairo"practors

What di you call a rare fart in Egypt?

A toot uncommon!

How did guys score in Ancient Egypt?

They used Pharaoh Moans

Archeaologists in Egypt have found a mummy in a tomb in the pyramids made of chocolates and hazelnuts

His name: Pharaoh rocher

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Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics of Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. Until one day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there is an old sect of priests who know many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh order...

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A guy goes to a sex shop in Egypt

A guy goes to a sex shop in Egypt, he sees an old man standing there so he goes and asks his:
So what sort of services do you guys have here?
The old man replies: we have everything what do you want?
The man reluctantly asks: so how much for a blowjob?
That’s 50 dollars, the old man repl...

A tourist went to Egypt and took a taxi to the hotel ..

While in the way, they encountered a red light at cross road junction, which the driver didn't stop for. The tourist said " Why didn't you stop?", To which the driver answered " Relax, I'm a professional and i know what i'm doing". The same thing happened again, the tourist asked the same question a...

How do ducks fly in Egypt?

They flock like an Egyptian.

What do you call small rivers in Egypt?

Juveniles

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...

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What do you call a physiotherapist in Egypt?

A Cairopractor

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

I hurt my back in Egypt

It got so bad that I had to visit a cairopractor

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning.

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

My best friend drowned in Egypt.

I’m in denile.

What is an old person called in Egypt?

a Giza

Pyramids were not the tallest structures in Egypt...

They were just medium height, between the Pyrahighs, and Pyralows.

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

I visited a strange, small shop on my trip to Egypt...

They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.

A man goes to Egypt.

A man takes a trip to Egypt and wants to rent a car. He goes to the dealer and asks them what cars they have. The dealer says "Oh, we ran out of cars, but we do have camels."

"A camel?" the man asks. "Why would I take a camel?"

"Well," the car renter explains "they're as fast as a car,...

some tourists are visiting Egypt and they go to see the sacred bull

While they're there the caretaker comes and grabs the bull and says

"sorry I need to take apis".

The tourists are shocked so they ask "on the bull"?!

Trump must have been born in Egypt...

He was obviously born in De Nile.

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

Who ate all the noodles in ancient egypt?

King Tootin'ramen

Why did you go to Egypt for honeymoon?

To make the wife a mummy.

Crocodiles in Egypt will never admit to being in love...

They all live in de-Nile

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Why Did The Couple Have Sex Inside The Pyramids of Egypt?

They wanted to go down in history.

Damn girl are you from Egypt?

Because A'frican love you.

There isn't a lot of water in Egypt.

And if you disagree, you're in the Nile.

My friend just went to Egypt

He had a break up and now he's in denial

They won't admit the Egypt flight crashed...

...because they're all in *da nile.*

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A lone camel driver was about to embark upon a long journey from west Sahara to Egypt.

He packed all the gear he could think of for the journey that would last for a couple of months. No thing had escaped his mind. Lots of water, food, first aid kit, even three toothbrushes to last him the whole way.

Only after a week, well into the desert did it dawn on him that while he had r...

Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?

To the Cairo-practor

In what part of Egypt do people tell lies?

Denial River

A mummy was found in Egypt.

The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet adviser appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did you find out?"
"He confessed," the advisor said.

What can I say about my trip to Egypt...

-I thought I was having fun, but I was in denile the whole time.

what do you call a spine doctor who practices in Egypt?

a cairo-practor!

What did the school in Egypt finally get?

A new bus.

Ancient Egypt must have been super progressive

I mean, all their daddies ended up turning into mummies.

They need to move China to Egypt ...

... because they are in a deep state of denial.

Did you know the first trans people came from Egypt?

It was when daddy's became mummy's

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's day?

They prefer mummies.

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

A man tried to walk on water in Egypt

He regretted it, he was very in denile

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Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pl...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

A few years ago I was studying abroad...

...in Egypt. I was attending a beautiful university in the capital city, having a wonderful time.

One day I had a pretty important test to take, and I stayed up way too late cramming for it. I slept terribly and woke up with a crick in my neck and pain all throughout my back and shoulders. <...

A Jamaican is sightseeing in Egypt.

A vehicle drives by, beeping its horn. "Coo yah!" he says. "It's tootin' car, mon!"

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My mate John just got back from a holiday in Egypt...

He said he had a great time riding camels. His was a female camel.
I asked him how he knew his was a female.
He replied. 'I overheard the guy behind me say.'
"Look at the cunt on that."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a British Sergeant is deported to Egypt...

And he is forced to live in a mudhut in a small village far from any civilization.

After a few weeks he realizes that he can't fight his sexual urges, but he's too much of a proper gentleman to masturbate. So turns to his servant and asks "My dear Achmed, I feel like my hedonistic urges are t...

My friend just had a baby, and named her Egypt.

Poor child is gonna have the weirdest walk.

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

Why was the Jamaican man doubting himself that he swam in Egypt

He was In De Nile

Did you hear the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.

Moses was commiserating with the Hebrews in Egypt

Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good ...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?

Because they're so full of mummies

(As told by "Jackie chan" while cooking my lunch on the hibachi grill)

Mansa Musa, the richest man ever to live, was riding through Egypt with his giant retinue. As a show of generosity, he gave gold (of which he had much) to random passerby. One such person was a Frenchman named Ed.

Ed dit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

I got a call from Egypt today.

They tried to get me involved in a pyramid scheme.

(Credit to my wife for this one)

Did you guys hear about the dog in Egypt that found the hidden bones of a Pharro?

Yeah, he is a real barkeologist!

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

What happens if the protesters in Egypt win?

They advance to the finals against Tunisia.

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies,...

Did you hear about the new tomb that they found in Egypt?

It contains hazelnuts and coco and experts think that the tomb belonged to the...Ferrero Rocher

:)))

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