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Failed Jokes

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now
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What's the difference between a failed golfer and a failed parachutist?

One goes *whack, fuck*; the other goes *fuck, whack*.

A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar

He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."
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I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.
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Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.
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I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.
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If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now
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I failed my photography exam.

I just couldn't focus.
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Failed my biology test today...

They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.

My atheist friend failed algebra class because he couldn’t calculate exponents

He doesn’t believe in a higher power.
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What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.
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A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
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Failed Pick-Up Lines:

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven..
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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays
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I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.

It's always been my Achilles elbow
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I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID
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I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
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My Bakery kickstarter failed.

I just couldn't raise the dough.
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McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.
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What do you call a failed gathering of crows?

Attempted murder.
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Two young engineers failed their thermodynamics class

Since it's their last exam before graduation, they beg their professor for a second chance. The professor agrees and set a special oral examination for the following week.

When they get there the professor asks them to enter the classroom for the test one at a time. The first enters and the t...

What do you call a failed abortion?

Survival of the fetus
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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

What did the failed assassin say to the other?

«Do you wanna have a stab at it?»
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I failed Calculus when we reached differentials...

I guess I should have known my limits. I could barely derive anything from what the teacher taught us.
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I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.
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Failed Test

But officer, I don't deserve a DUI. In all fairness I couldn't pass that balance test sober.
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I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters
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I tried to beat up the composer, but failed. Apparently I wasn’t…

…Rachmaninov.
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Our friend Les is really upset because he failed his French Lit exam.

The result made Les Miserable.
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Heard Jesus failed NNN…

People keep on saying that he’s coming.
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They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test

I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel.

They asked about the marijuana and cocaine.

I told them it was an everything bagel.
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Failed Engines

There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About an hour into the flight, the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about 15 minutes late arriving."

About 30 minutes later, the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, "There is...
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Did you hear about the failed attack on Castle Hysterectomy?

It was impregnable
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Just failed etymology AND entomology class.

I'd tell you how much that bugs me, but I can't find the word for it.

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to the server
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10 out of 11 medical students failed in their medical exams.

In the end, 9 of them recommended the same thing..

Colgate
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What’s a failed circumcision called

A Beheading
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My upholstery business failed.

I'm still trying to recover.
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I failed math so many times in school

I can't even count.
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I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.
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Little Johny failed fourth grade so badly that the school put him in third grade

He failed third grade even worse that they had to put him in second grade.

Upon hearing the news that he failed second grade even more spectacularly and had to be demoted to first grade, his dad whispered to Johny's mom:

Tighten your underwear, he is coming back !!
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So poor old Jobson has failed. Too bad! He promised me something yesterday ...

... but now in his trouble I won't hold him to it."

"That's very generous of you. What was it?"

"His daughter's hand in marriage."



Source: 1913 newspaper
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I failed my course in Photography Lighting

Teacher said I wasn't bright enough.
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I failed NNN

I just wanted some pistachios
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Failed Pick-Up Lines:

I wish you were my big toe.

Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house..
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Cat parents are basically failed gold miners…

All they do is dig up shit….

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.
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What do you call a failed political campaign?

An **elect**ile dysfunction.
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“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”
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Totally failed to make a Mickey Mouse pancake…

I could only get the two ears done. I think this one is a bust !
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The best KGB agents have tried to seduce me and failed

Should I shower?
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An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

An old Jewish man is lying in his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.

"Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered" to which his wife simply nodded.

"And years later, you were with me when my business failed...
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I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.
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Just found out I've failed my German exam.

Sacre bleu!
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A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...
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Did you hear the one about Schroedingers failed early experiments with ice boxes?

He titled his paper “Ice Ice Maybe”.
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Everyone knows Harry Potter graduated from Hogwarts, but not many people know that Harry Styles failed to do so.

He was expelled after starting wand erection.
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Mongols once launched a naval invasion on Java but failed....

They sucked at C
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I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed.

Good players are hard to find.
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Freddie Mercury went to school to be a pilot, but he failed the license test.

He flew, a little high, a little low and any way the wind blows…
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I did a test today and completely failed.

Looks like I’ll never be an IQ.
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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

I almost failed my breast exam...

but I got 2 D's.
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I made a dating app for marionettes, and it failed.

Everyone wanted No Strings Attached dating.
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I remember staring down at the dead patient, and realising that I had failed my job as a doctor.

I was so scarred by that day that I've never examined a man's prostate since.
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Just found out my friend failed her oceanography course

Apparently her grades were below C-level.
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I failed Sex Ed

I never came

My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school.

He didn't make the cut.
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Why did the farmer decide to become a DJ after a failed produce?

Because he had a ton of sick beets
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Why did the failed assassin decide to become a cashier again?

Because he missed his Target
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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

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