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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

I pull up at a gas station in broadway to get a water

As I got out—now I can't make this up—I noticed 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought that this lady must be stupid, crazy, or both.

I continued to go inside and got my water. As I was paying for it, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside a...

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I've done a hundred pull ups today.....

This new belt is crap!

As a kid, I wasn't ever able to do a pull-up. As an adult, that all changed.

Now I can pull up to McDonalds whenever I want.

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I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.
...

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A old Man and his hard of hearing wife pull up to a gas station.

Attendant: what will it be sir?
The Old man says just fill it up
Wife yells: what did he say?
Old man yells back angrily “ I just told him to FILL IT UP!”

Attendant says lovely day we’re having isn’t it?
Old man replies why yes it is, and his wife yells “what did he say?”
The f...

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, and Supreme Leader Snoke pull up to a drive-thru.

"We'll be paying separately."

"Go ahead with The First Order."

No sit-ups, pull ups or any other kinds of ups.

But f*ck ups, Those I can manage!

I saw a man pull up.....

to a disabled park in a golf buggy. I couldn't help but wonder what his handicap was.

If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug...

Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.

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Father and son pull up into their home driveway...

Father says "son why don't you ever wear your seatbelt?"

Son says " it's freeing and more comfortable dad why else"

To which father casually replies " well son you should start wearing those fucking seatbealts, windshields are pretty damn expensive these days."

I fucking lost i...

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I tapped my taxi driver on the shoulder and told him to pull up to the driveway ahead

He freaked the fuck out and almost jumped out of his seat like I just scared the batshit living daylight out of him.

I asked in confusion "WTF?"

He replied "Sorry, it's my first day being a taxi driver. For the past 10 years I drove a hearse"

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

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A housewife is in bed with her lover...

A housewife is in bed with her lover. All of a sudden she hears her husband’s car pull up. He came home early from a business trip! In a panic she is frantically trying to think of a place to hide her lover and suddenly has an idea. She tells him to go stand in a corner of the kitchen and pretend to...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up.

Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are...

Coronavirus is driving us mad!

We have become crazy.

I went to the bathroom at a restaurant. I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow and when i returned to my table I realized....

Golden toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

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