This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.

Shit....wrong thread.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

While scrolling through the front page of Reddit, I came across the most annoying thread ever.

It was coming out of my favourite sweater that I was wearing.

Sometimes 'leaving a loose thread hanging' has the opposite meaning...

...just ask Jeffrey Epstein.

The year is 2028 and r/jokes is going strong...

A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The admin rep...

What do you call a baby born out of incest?

...a gross domestic product.

Credit to u/frosty_biscuits, u/Geolassie, and u/mylifeintopieces1 for collectively arriving at this joke in a roast thread.

TIFU by unraveling my favorite sweater

Oops, wrong thread

Today is no joke day.

Looking through this thread, everyone is

adhering to it..

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

I made an abacus by threading string through polo mints....

....it has improved my menthol arithmetic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every update thread in /r/relationship_advice

update: just broke up with my shithead of a partner

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

I logged in today to see if my reply got deleted.

It's still hanging on by a thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

I just got banned from /r/fashion

Apparently they didn't like my threads

Knotty Knotty!

Did you hear about the spider that tried to join Reddit a while ago?

>!He got banned for crossposting in multiple threads!!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread.

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff thought it's a curious thing to ask for, but they nonetheless deliver.
Next year, the priest comes again, and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Staff members were really curious, so they decided to...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

A man with authority walks into a bar.

He orders everybody around.


(Must admit this is a re-post from another thread I read that made me chuckle)

I mentioned in another thread how I was about to post a joke to /jokes

one of the mods asked, “is it a common repost?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is...

Mom: I don’t think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

A thread on how to fix something usually goes like this:

Redditor1: **Hey so I have a problem with** ***X*** **wat do**

Redditor2: **[removed]**

Redditor1: **It worked, thanks!**

A few months later, another Redditor has the same problem.

Redditor3: **Hey what did Redditor2 say up there it's removed**

Redditor4: **[remove...

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

I want to start a thread about Jimmy John’s

It’ll be a sub subreddit.

Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word.

You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

Room 39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.


\-The client: is room 39 empty?
\-The boss: yes, sir.
\-The client: can I book it?
\-The boss: of course you can.
\-The client: thank you.


Before going to th...

Let's get a thread of jokes that are funny to hear, but don't work if you read them

I'll start:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

fsh!

No joke will ever be too soon for Joan Rivers thread.

Joan Rivers died doing what she loved to do best. Surgery.

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the ...

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