Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

Where do fish go to withdraw money

The Loan shark

What does President Trump yell to get troops to withdraw from a battle?

RETWEEEEET!

As chosen by voters, Germany's Berlin Zoo named their two newborn pandas "Hong" and "Kong".

Upon hearing the news, China reacted fiercely and decided to withdraw all pandas from every country back to mainland China. It was a logistical nightmare⁠ to bring all the pandas back—it was pandemonium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austral...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex like a bank account?

Because when you withdraw

You lose interest

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

I Have Money For Days!

A man goes to his bank to withdraw some money. He sees there is a new, smoking hot teller. He thinks ‘I’ll ask her out on a date’. He proceeds to walk up to her and starts to talk to her.

“Hey beautiful.”

*giggles* “Well hello sir! What can I do for you today?”

“I’d like to wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon.

Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.

The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.

...

An old lady went to a bank...

An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The tell...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

Late Night Vet Call...

Her dog was on heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rich old man prepares for his death

A rich old man was on his deathbed. He knew he was soon to depart this world, but he could not bear the thought of leaving his wealth behind.

So he summoned his wife and instructed her to visit the bank, withdraw a large amount of cash, and stash it in the attic in a burlap sack. "I'll just g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor vs. Bee - (NSFW)

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to th...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

Klingon: If you're better than humans...

Klingon: If you're so much better than humans then why do they run the federation?

Vulcan: Say you give humans two warp cores, they will not run tests on one and keep the other in case something happens like any civilized people. They will get a third wire them together, punch a hole to anoth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a strip club...

They immediately sit in front of the front podium just when the club's top performer Chasity comes out to perform.

She bends over in front of the three men. The Scotsman pulls out a £10 note and sticks it on on her left arse cheek.

The Englishman pulls out £20 and sticks it on her righ...

[religious] [nsfw] a priest is driving a nun home.

On the way, he puts his hand on her leg. Noticing this, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest apologizes and returns his hand to the wheel.

A few minutes later he tries again, sliding his hand higher up her leg. Again, the nun says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." "The flesh ...

Nun 3

A priest is giving a young nun a lift home from church one day,  and as he’s shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun’s knee.

The young nun looked up at the priest and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10.”

The priest withdraws his hand, embarrassed.Next time, they stop at a light, H...

A dyslexic walks into a bank...

Withdraws a reasonable amount of money, coming home and also realizing that another dyslexic man going into a bank made it on the front page of /r/jokes and is thoroughly confused because dyslexics can speak fine and often aren't seen as criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple have just finished making love on their porch.

A young couple have just finished making love on their porch. As they are lying there naked a small bee flies into the woman's vagina. After they both freak out a little they then jump in the car and drive to the nearest doctor.
They get to his house and run inside and quickly explain the situat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Emperor's New Samurai

(Please excuse any historical inaccuracies) The Emperor's chief samurai had been recently slain in battle, leaving the Emperor in desperate need of a new chief to lead his men into battle.

The Emperor proclaims that any samurai who seeks audience with him will be granted 10 seconds to prove ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. “Now do...

Banking

A Chinese laundryman living in San Francisco opens a savings account at the bank and goes regularly to deposit his profits.

After several months he has saved up a considerable sum. One day, he comes into the bank and says that he wants to withdraw all his money. The clerk is surprised, so the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a half empty bar and says to the bartender “If I show you something amazing will you give me a free drink?”

“You know bud,” the world-weary bartender says, “I’ve been in this business for a long, long time and it will take something pretty freaking special to impress me but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dying Lawyer's Wish

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to ...

A man saves up to buy a Ferrari

He's been saving every dime, every nickel, every dollar he can, and now he finally has enough to buy a brand new Ferrari in one lump sum. For fun, he decides to withdraw the full amount and pay for the car in cash.

He goes to the dealership, goes through all the paperwork, and gives them the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman travels to Japan...[nsfw]

the American businessman arrives a day early for his meeting with his Japanese business colleague and being quite the tourist he decides to hit the the town. He goes to a couple of sushi bars and loosens up a bit, he meets an attractive women at one of the karaoke bars and after quite a while of tr...

The chivalrous surgeon

A surgeon and an elderly patient are riding in an elevator when the doors open. The surgeon notices a young woman running towards them, waving her arms frantically in an obvious plea to hold the door. The surgeon, chivalrously, holds out his hand to stop the door. The woman darts into the lift just ...

A blonde goes into a bank...

...to withdraw some money. The clerk asks her:

"Could you please indentify yourself?"

The blonde pulls out a mirror from her bag, looks into it and says:

"Yes, it is me."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.