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Pushing Jokes

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Saw a ford pushing a dodge the other day

What i wanna know is how they managed to keep that rope between them tight?

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

A nun is shopping for groceries. She is pushing a stroller with a baby that is crying loudly.

As she passes by the church, a priest spots her and asks sternly: “What do we have here? A little monastery secret?”

“No, Father”, answers the nun, “it’s a cardinal error.”

Governments worldwide are pushing electric cars.

It's just going to cause a re volt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate pushing buttons

They always become depressed.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

How do you stop a Russian tank?

Shoot the soldiers pushing it.

There’s a guy going around pushing Parisians into their river. People really aren’t happy about him,

He’s making them go inseine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sysiphus is rolling his stone up a hill when Oedipus passes him by teasing him: "Pushing it, I see?"

Sysiphus replies: "You motherfucker".

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

What's the difference between pulling and pushing a car?

When you pull a car, you get tired. When you push one you get exhausted.

I'm tired of people pushing me around and talking behind my back.

But that's just how things go when you are in a wheelchair, I guess.

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches.

"How cute! What's your baby's name?"

"Tiny," says the lizard mom. "Because he's my newt."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was arrested for pushing the demo button on an Elmo doll.

He accused me of touching his test-tickles.

Saw A Homeless person pushing a trolley full of horse shoes and rabbit feet

I thought to myself he's really pushing his luck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

Never ever stop pushing yourself.

They say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Go beyond it and create history.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

"Mommy, why are you pushing the car over the cliff?"

"Be quiet Timmy!", retorts the mother "You'll wake up Daddy!"

A woman is pushing her baby in a stroller thru the park...

...when she sees a friend of hers smoking a cigarette. She walks up to him and asks how he is, and says "I thought you gave up smoking for good?" The man says "I did, now I smoke for evil." and blows smoke in the baby's face and walks away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass.

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Lyft passenger told his friend why he needs to stop pushing religion on people.

His conversation went something like this:

"You just cant push Christianity on people, it doesnt work. Because at the end of the day, no matter how successful you are, they want to go on living their lives!"

"I dont know about that..."

"I mean for fuck sake, they say that Jesus ...

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