A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm were driving along when a cop pulls them over.

Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Cop: You were doing 55 in a 30.

Heisenberg: Great, now I'm lost.

Cop: What's in the trunk?

Scrodinger: My cat.

The cop opens the trunk.

Cop: Your cat is ...

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

Two blondes are driving to Disneyland

They see a sign that says “Disneyland left”

So they went home.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit.

A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. The policeman approaches the window and the woman says to the cop:”I thought that you didn’t give ticket to pretty women”

The policeman answers:”Actually, we don’t. So sign here please.”

A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and ...

Man 1: "driving down a highway" check out that flock of cows!

Man 2: flock?

Man 1: yeah? What's wrong?

Man 2: its herd

Man 1: herd?

Man 2: yeah, herd of cows

Man 1: of course I've heard of cows. Theres a flock of them over there!

A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub, The George and Dragon, which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the bar room, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather padded booths...

I’m deathly afraid of sharing a car with someone while driving through underground passages.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

A guy was driving his truck and ran it into a woman and killed her ... whose fault was it?

Obviously the man's, he shouldn't have been driving in someone's kitchen.

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

My girlfriend had her driving test today, she only got 3 minors!

All the others jumped clear!

Jason is driving when he sees a hitch hiker on the side of the road.

The man looks a bit rough, but Jason pulls over and lets him in.

After driving for a few minutes, the hitch hiker asks, "Hey, aren't you worried that I might be a serial killer?"

Jason chuckles lightly and replies, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are very slim."

I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving

It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL...

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swa...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

On a summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales ...

On a summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales ...


At the beautiful village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch,
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,
''Before we order, I wonder if you could settle a...

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

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This guy was driving a really top-notch Ferrari on the highway

Speeding as much as he could, there he went, happy with his life. Until an old woman in a beat up Wolkswagen just overtook him, going way faster than he was. The guy in the Ferrari puts the pedal to the metal, but only catches up to the woman in a service station miles ahead.

He comes out of ...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".

Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

I was driving home past my local sheriff’s office

I saw a dwarf climbing over the fence. I thought, “wow that’s a little condescending”

I saw a horse driving a car the other day

It was a mustang.

3 friends are driving through the desert when their car breaks down.

They each decide to take just one thing with them as they go and search for help. They see a small village on the horizon, and so set off in that direction.

The first friend is carrying an umbrella, the second a whiskey flask, the third the car door.

After hours of walking, they find ...

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

My driving record was too perfect.

So I got in trouble for wreckless driving.

One day, a husband called his wife while she was driving...

“Honey I just heard on the radio that there is an idiot going down the wrong lane on the freeway, be careful.”

“Did you say one, there’s hundreds of them.”

I hate driving drunk

Texting becomes so much harder

With the rise of self driving cars,

It's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

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So, a hearse was driving down the road....

when suddenly the hatch flew open and the coffin started sliding across the road. The driver tried to chase after it, and it flew right past a pharmacy. So the driver runs into the pharmacy out of breath and yells to the pharmacist:

"You got anything that can stop this coughin!?"

A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to t...

Driving on an open road and a cop pulls me over

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

What's the worst thing to say before a driving exam?

"This thing does have airbags, right?"

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the es...

I’m driving through England on a tour, and will be stopping at Greenwich tomorrow.

No idea what to do in the Mean Time.

What did the man say while driving his car in reverse?

“Oh man, this takes me back!”

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

A guy was driving down the road with some monkeys in the back seat...

A policeman sees this and flags the car down and asks him about the monkeys.

Guy: These are my monkeys.

Policeman: You need to take them to a zoo. I'm letting you off with a warning today.

Next day, the cop sees the same guy driving the other way and flags him down.

Polic...

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Driving a car is a lot like sex. It was fun for the first few times...

But now it's boring and costs too much money.

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you wou...

Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend...

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the gas

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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

Cop: Sir, you’re driving on the wrong side of the road.

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.

Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

I was driving around town the other day

I was driving around town the other day, when all of a sudden there it was. Something I hadn’t noticed before. A plot of land, maybe an acre in size, perfect size for a business, for sale. I got excited, I thought this would be a great location for a movie theater business. But when I asked the owne...

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

A penguin is driving his car

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.


Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.


But once his pants were around his ankles, she pu...

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Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

Guy driving a car stops by a hooker

...and asks: -What can You do for a 100 bucks?

She replies: -Anything You want, baby.

\-Hop in, You'll help me lay the foundation for my garden shed.

A guy is driving home from work on the freeway

On his way home he gets a call from his wife

"I'm watching the news right now and a man is driving the wrong way on freeway. I just want you to be safe." Says the wife

"Honey you won't believe it, but there are hundreds of people driving the wrong way." Says the husband

An old man driving along sees a police vehicle behind him.

He puts the foot down and takes off! Sure enough, the police vehicle lights are activated and the police give chase.

After a while the man thinks “I’m too old for this, what am I doing?” And sensibly pulls over to the side of the road. The police pull in behind him.

A policeman appro...

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A blond girl is driving down a road

and sees another blond in a field prattling a boat through a field she says “It’s blonds like you who make us blonds look dumb, now I’d come out there and kick your ass but I don’t know how to swim

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

There were three men driving across the desert in a Cadillac.

All of a sudden, the car just stops, so they all get out and start walking. After a little bit, Guy 1 runs back to where the car was left and returns with the hood of the car.

The other two ask, “Why’d you do that?”
Guy 1: “Well, we can hold this over our heads so we don’t overheat!”
Gu...

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

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A mother was driving with her daughter. They get behind a truck and all of a sudden...

A giant dildo hits their windshield. The daughter says “What was that, Mommy?!”
Mom says, “It was just a bug, honey.”
Daughter says, “Well, that bug has the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!”

So there's a guy that works driving trains in Bulgaria...

and he is a reckless driver, killing 1 person in the wreck. he goes to court, and is found guilty and gets put to the electric chair. Now, in Bulgaria, if the electric chair doesn't harm you, then it is a sign of godly intervention. requesting 1 banana for his last meal, he goes on the electric chai...

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

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What do you call a nun driving a car ??

Virgin mobile

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road.

He didn't know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.

His boss said "You should take him to the zoo", so the man left and drove off with the penguin.

Later that day as the boss was leaving work, he saw the m...

got pulled over today for driving a new truck

Cop: License and registration please, who does this truck belong too?



me: The bank they let me drive it whilst paying for it...



he wasn't laughing

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

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I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

A man was joyriding with his new Mercedes

A man was Joyriding with his new Mercedes.
He was driving well above the speed limit when he saw the lightshow of a cop behind him.

He started driving faster, sure that he could outrun the cop but the cop kept up.

Eventually he gave up and pulled over.
The cop came up to his wind...

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

My dad and I were arguing about my driving. He said I was driving too carefully and to speed up a bit, but I was adamant that I would stay at my usual speed.

In the end, I had to put my foot down.

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses...

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A man was arrested for driving over a crowd in a wedding

The case detective drew out a cigar, then began dragging.

"Why did you do that?"

"You see, detective... the matter's *much* more complicated. A guy was standing on the left side of the road, and the wedding was on my right. Since there was no other way, which would you have gone for?"<...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

A man and a woman are driving down a road when a cop pulls them over

The cop asks the man(who is in the drivers seat)

"Do you know why I pulled you over"

The man replies " Is it because we are smuggling illicit drugs across the border,ran over 2 people and are speeding?"

The cop looks surprised because he only saw them speeding, he starts pu...

Heisenberg is driving to a convention to show off his new Uncertainty Principle

On the way he observes the speedometer, and finds himself lost.

Father and his special daughter are driving back to her mom's.

Father drives past a sign "7/11"
Daughter yells with excitement "Hotdog! Ice-creams"
Father says " ok we can get a hotdog"
He stops at the 7/11 walks in with the daughter and she yells to the clerk " Toilet ! Hotdog ice cream!" They clerk quickly hands her the bathroom key as the father che...

A man was driving when he noticed the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for speeding, even tough he knew he wasn’t. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Again the camera flashed. Thinking he was funny, he drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, he received five ticke...

Another blonde joke: So this blonde (let's call her Staci) is driving along the highway...

She sees a blonde woman in the middle of freshly ploughed farmer's field, sitting in a row boat, rowing like crazy.

Staci is livid! She pulls over and races over to the fence to give the woman an earfull.

"You stupid, moronic cow! Can't you see you're perpetuating a baseless stereotype...

Driving License

- Hi, i came to get my driving license out.
- Excuse me sir, but this is an Hospital.
- Yes, i know. The thing is, it's in my ass.

I got robbed by robbers while driving my car the other day.

I guess you can call them the pirates of the car-I-be-in.

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Blonde woman is driving a car

*Police pulls her over*

Police walks to blondes car, opens door and pulls out the dick

Woman says: "Damn, that alcohol test again."

A magician was driving down the road..

Then he turned his car into a driveway.

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a cop pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

The cop says: "Have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

I'm addicted to cutting my brakes and driving.

I just can't stop!

I probably shouldn't be driving right now...

but bad brakes haven't stopped me before.

A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You w...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

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(Oldie but a goodie) Two nuns are driving through Transilvania at night

All of a sudden, a large vampire swoops down and lands on the bonnet of their car.

One nun turns to the other and says, "Quick! Show him your cross!"

The other nun nods, winds down her window, leans out and yells, "GET OFF THE BONNET YOU DICKHEAD!"

So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

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Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of...

A couple are driving home one evening and run over a badger.

They get out the car and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "put it between your legs and warm it up"
Wife replies " but its all wet and it stinks" the husband replies; "well hold the badgers nose then"

A blonde was driving through the countryside...

and she looked out into a field and saw another blonde woman, in a rowboat, rowing so hard the dirt was flying. The 1st blonde pulled over to the side of the road, jumped out of her car, ran up to the fence and yelled: "You're the reason people make Blonde jokes and if I could swim I'd come out ther...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

Ralph is driving home one evening,

when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie G...

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A farmer is driving down the road and ..

A farmer is driving down the road and sees one of his sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Standing behind the sheep is his neighbor, just fucking away. The farmer stops and shouts over "What the hell are you doing!?"



"HI there, just fucking a sheep, you want next?"



Th...

I had a driving student who was addicted to braking

He said he could stop whenever he wanted

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