My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I drew my dog while I was on a boring phone call and I'm really proud of it!

It's a golden doodle.

My dad's probably proud of me

Now if only he comes home with the milk

Guys, I’m so proud of myself, I’ve been doing a lot of adulting more and more lately.

Lol gotcha, I’m only kidding.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

I’m a little proud of this

A guy walks into a zoo with a very attractive bee. He hears from the other room “you’re fired!” An entomologist walks out of that room and says “pretty fly” to the guy and leaves.

My father was never proud of me.

When I was younger he sat me down and asked, "Son, why haven't you made anything of yourself? Done something with your life? Something I can brag about to the guys at work?"

And I looked up to him, sincerity in my eyes as I admitted, "Dad, I'm only 5 years old."

And he responded, "Son,...

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I was very proud of myself today.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.


His mom beat the shit out of me.

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

My little nephew wanted to share a joke he was very proud of coming up with: Why did the hotdog get grounded?

It was being a brat!

My wife made this joke and she was so proud of herself so I have to share it:

What do you do with a dirty sheep?


*****


******


******


*****


Give it a Baaaaath

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So fucking proud of myself! Yesterday I wore something from 20 years ago, and it fit!

What a great scarf!

Im kinda proud of this one

I have this great joke about stomach contents?
Actually never mind you wouldn't get it, its an inside joke.

I'm quite a humble person but I'm not proud of that.

That's what I'm proud of.

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

Greta Thunberg would be proud of this sub

The content is very repeatedly recycled.

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Initially I was proud of my participation in a trial for cloning humans...

...but now, I don't think I can live with myself.

My bank is really proud of me

According to them, I have an outstanding balance

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

I'm so proud of my son. He went so far.

Mother: I'm so proud of my son. Never would I have thought that he would go so far

Father: Yeah, that catapult is awesome.

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.

He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go ho...

Little Johnny comes home from school feeling very proud of himself.

Mom: Hello Johnny, you are looking very pleased about something.

Johnny: I got a question right that nobody else knew the answer to.

Mom: Oh that's brilliant, well done, what was the question?.

Johnny: Who has just farted?.

I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it.

What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

Your mother is proud of you for wearing a mask

But she is also disappointed because look how nice you would have looked everyday if you became a surgeon.

Mother Milk was so proud of her son, Parmesan.

She knew he would do grate things.

So proud of my son

I'm so proud of my son.
I gave him one of those watches with a step counter, and just from walking in his bedroom, 40,000 steps in 1 day!

I would just love to congratulate him as I will surely be getting him a reward for his perserverence.

Why was the boxcar so proud of being promoted to engine?

He trained his entire life for it.

My brother who is finally mastering how English puns works was so proud of this one. WHAT DO YOU CALL A FROZEN PAIR OF PANTIES ONCE IT DEFROSTS?

THAWNG.

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

My dad is never proud of anything I do.

Dad: Son, how old are you?

Son: 19.

Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

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A boy stole a candy bar. His dad instead of punishing him this time tried to explain that he should only do things he is proud of, and if he lives that way all the time it will feel good.

The boy tried it. He stopped behing a coward and asked out any girl he wanted. He saved money instead of wasting it on the little things. He made a bunch of improvements to his life he was proud of, within a week. But he became very uncomfortable and nobody knew why. Then he announced he was putting...

I'm not proud of this.

I want to learn to cook but who's got Thyme?

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

I'm so proud of my son, the police chief himself said that he's a boy who's going far

Apparently, he already crossed the Mexican border.

Super proud of myself. Shot a 72 golfing yesterday.

Granted, it was a 9 hole, par 3 course. But still. Shot a 72.

I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

I was so proud of myself when I came on TV today

The cleaning lady wasn’t impressed with the sticky situation though.

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Whenever I see a hearse, I am always proud of the deceased.

Despite their current situation, they are slowly moving forward.

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

I've always wanted my dad to be proud of me... It finally happened today.

I started serving at a steak house and my parents came in to see me at work. When I asked my dad how he wanted his steak, he said "Well done, son".

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

I'm so proud of myself

Today there were a group of 4 guys beating up a nerd in school, so I went over to help.

Needless to say, he didn't do well against all 5 of us.

Why was the bear so proud of the house he built?

Because he built it with his bear hands.

Even though it’s a surplus store, I’m pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.

A single package of 160 AA batteries.

After months of hard work and dedication, I finally have a body I am proud of!

It was worth the weight

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

My grandfather was the kind of man who was proud of the fact that his back door was always open.

We think that's why his submarine sank.

My father was never proud of me.

One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other.

He finally paid a contractor

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

I was so proud of the moldy cheese in my fridge.

It had become very cultured.

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I'm proud of myself, I stopped two sexual assaults last night.

I stayed in.

My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test...

A+

My wife asked: You're pretty proud of your self for that one aren't you? With only a slight smirk on her face.

So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: "Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now". She said "How's that?" I said, "They are both a litt...

I'm so proud of my kids.

My daughter is beautiful and intelligent, just like her Mom.
And my son is good looking and funny, just like the mail man.

I'm so proud of my mother-in-law

We were sitting down to our St Patrick's day dinner. And I announced, "I took extra pickles, so Dill with it." I thought I was clever but she did me one better. She smiled sweetly and said, "That's ok. Today I'm Dublin everything!"

My daughter is so proud of learning new words, she thinks she's a Russian autocrat....

She said,

"Daddy, I'm pootin"

Why are mirror makers proud of what they do?

Their work is a reflection of themselves.

"So, Mr. Sean Connery, it is true that you're proud of your hobby of carpentry?"

"Yeah, I love talking about myshelf"

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Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of.

Two years rent free.

I'm so proud of my self, I decided I'm going to stop procrastinating and do something with my life!

Starting tomorrow...

I am really proud of my self this morning..

Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.

I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What do you get when you cross a map and an alligator?

A navigator




(Thought of this one myself I’m proud of it even if it ain’t good)

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

What does Arigato mean?

A Mexican cat named Ari.

(My dad is very proud of this one)

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American conservatives are pretty homophobic

for people so proud of their four fathers

How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?

5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

Farts are like children

I’m proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Why isn’t blood a good writer??

Because of all the Type-Os.


Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought of it while at my desk and was proud of it cause it made me chuckle lol.

Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.

PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.

ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.

PRIEST: You forgot pride.

ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

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There was a man that bought a new pair of boots.

He was so proud of them, when he got home he walked up to his wife and said "notice any thing different?" she looked him over and just shrugged her shoulders. Mad as hell he stormed into the bathroom to admire them in the tall mirror, then took off every stitch of clothing bar the new boots. Butt na...

Stalin is Proud!

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says, “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin asks, “Why blue?”

Stalin, "I knew you would not object to the first one."



*Stalin is very proud of Putin.*

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle?

Harvey





\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*

THE SHOPPER (long)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband ...

My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand...

Proud of her savings, she boasted “We’re are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

I replied, “Good, wash it again!”

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Two cowboys are sitting in a bar, and bragging.

After finishing his glass of whisky, the first cowboy says to the second one while pointing at the window: "See this bucket of flower on the other side of the road, I can shoot at all the flowers faster than you can blink".

The other cowboy, denied: "That's impossible! The fastest in the Wes...

and oldie but a goodie

back in ancient china, before the populations number a million, a monk lived near his friend, who was on the other side of the river. he wrote a long poem, full of phrases like "the seven winds could not move me" and was very proud of it. he sent it to his friend via dove.

when his friend sen...

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, but doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink.
A moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks ...

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

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Boudreaux and Thibodeau go hunting one weekend

While out in the woods, they are able to track and kill a deer that morning. While Thibodeau is gutting the deer, Boudreaux feels nature’s call and tells Thibodeau he has to go pop a squat. So, Boudreaux finds a tree a little bit away and does his business. However, he falls asleep!

Thibodeau...

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

what do you call a fish that can dunk?

swooshi !
(proud of this one)

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

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