UPJOKE
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My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it.

What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.

A joke I made up as a child that I was very proud of and thought was the funniest thing in the world:

Q. What do you call a famous pebble?

A. A rock star.

My dad's probably proud of me

Now if only he comes home with the milk

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I'm 45 and I still haven't lost my virginity yet, but I'm proud of it.

You wanna know why? Because I'm not a "loser".

My dad is never proud of anything I do.

Dad: Son, how old are you?

Son: 19.

Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

My son came up with this joke, I'm pretty proud of him

What do you call a murderer who rides a pedal bike?

A cycle path!

My bank is really proud of me

According to them, I have an outstanding balance

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it

i kicked her from the inside though

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

An elderly woman was very proud of her four-month-old grandson.....

so she took him with her down to Miami Beach. The first morning she got him all decked out, and down they went to the beach, where she set him by the shore to play. But no sooner had she sat down in her beach chair than a huge tidal wave rose up and swept the baby away.

“God,” she said, stand...

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I was very proud of myself today.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.


His mom beat the shit out of me.

Greta Thunberg would be proud of this sub

The content is very repeatedly recycled.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

My father was never proud of me.

When I was younger he sat me down and asked, "Son, why haven't you made anything of yourself? Done something with your life? Something I can brag about to the guys at work?"

And I looked up to him, sincerity in my eyes as I admitted, "Dad, I'm only 5 years old."

And he responded, "Son,...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, ...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

Today I'm turning 40 but I feel so proud of my 20yr old slim body ...

And if you don't believe me go check my freezer.

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)

Im kinda proud of this one

I have this great joke about stomach contents?
Actually never mind you wouldn't get it, its an inside joke.

I'm not proud of this.

I want to learn to cook but who's got Thyme?

My wife made this joke and she was so proud of herself so I have to share it:

What do you do with a dirty sheep?


*****


******


******


*****


Give it a Baaaaath

Ran into a Mexican woman on the bus today.

After talking for a bit she told me that she had twin sons, Juan and Emal, and she was so proud of them! Juan was the CEO of a big law firm down town, and his brother Emal owned a restaurant where she was heading for lunch.

She happily reached into her purse to show me a picture and said, “T...

I'm so proud of my son. He went so far.

Mother: I'm so proud of my son. Never would I have thought that he would go so far

Father: Yeah, that catapult is awesome.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

I told my son, "Son, I'm so proud of you and everything you have accomplished. I hope some day you will have children of your own." ... to which he replied:

"I hope you will too dad"

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A man was very proud of the fact that he was born with three testicles

One day, he’s walking down the street and he walks by another man. Smugly, he tells him, “did you know that between the two of us, there are a total of five balls?”

The other man gives him a confused look and says, “so you mean you only have one?”

My friend is going around telling everyone that I said the Russians are really proud of themselves for conquering Chernobyl…

No, I corrected, I just said they were glowing!

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

I've always wanted my dad to be proud of me... It finally happened today.

I started serving at a steak house and my parents came in to see me at work. When I asked my dad how he wanted his steak, he said "Well done, son".

I'm so proud of myself

Today there were a group of 4 guys beating up a nerd in school, so I went over to help.

Needless to say, he didn't do well against all 5 of us.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

An Englishman, Frenchman and Turk

Were all in a train cabin. Feeling a little warm, the Frenchman opened the window and a little fly came buzzing in.

Wanting to impress the other two, the Frenchman takes out his sword and in one swoop sliced the fly in half. Feeling proud of himself, closes the window and hands out his busine...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

I drew my dog while I was on a boring phone call and I'm really proud of it!

It's a golden doodle.

Mother Milk was so proud of her son, Parmesan.

She knew he would do grate things.

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Initially I was proud of my participation in a trial for cloning humans...

...but now, I don't think I can live with myself.

Your mother is proud of you for wearing a mask

But she is also disappointed because look how nice you would have looked everyday if you became a surgeon.

Super proud of myself. Shot a 72 golfing yesterday.

Granted, it was a 9 hole, par 3 course. But still. Shot a 72.

My son said that he's proud of me overcoming alcoholism.

I'll drink to that.

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

Children are like farts.

You're proud of your own, but other people's are kinda gross.

My father was never proud of me.

One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Little Johnny comes home from school feeling very proud of himself.

Mom: Hello Johnny, you are looking very pleased about something.

Johnny: I got a question right that nobody else knew the answer to.

Mom: Oh that's brilliant, well done, what was the question?.

Johnny: Who has just farted?.

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

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So fucking proud of myself! Yesterday I wore something from 20 years ago, and it fit!

What a great scarf!

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her h...

Why was the boxcar so proud of being promoted to engine?

He trained his entire life for it.

I'm so proud of my kids.

My daughter is beautiful and intelligent, just like her Mom.
And my son is good looking and funny, just like the mail man.

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let ...

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

Dear Audrey Advice.....

My son is a strapping 265lb star linebacker at our local university and a leader in our church youth group. We couldn't be more proud of him! However....I returned from grocery shopping today and found him prancing around the house in one of my dresses. What should I do??!
Sincerely,
Confused ...

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

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Whenever I see a hearse, I am always proud of the deceased.

Despite their current situation, they are slowly moving forward.

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American conservatives are pretty homophobic

for people so proud of their four fathers

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

Why was the bear so proud of the house he built?

Because he built it with his bear hands.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

After months of hard work and dedication, I finally have a body I am proud of!

It was worth the weight

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I'm proud of myself, I stopped two sexual assaults last night.

I stayed in.

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

I was so proud of the moldy cheese in my fridge.

It had become very cultured.

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Joke told by my 90 year old grandma

A business man who owns a company wanted to travel for a business meeting. He was scared that his wife was gonna cheat on him with his employees while he's gone, so he decides to put a machine on his wife's thighs that will cut off anything that comes near it.
He traveled and finally came back, h...

What do you call a really long metaphor?

It's like, a metafive

PS I made this up myself and I'm really proud of it

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test...

A+

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

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The faithful soldier

One day an army general suspects that his platoon of 100 men are all having sex with his lovely wife. So one night he decides to see if he is right in his suspicions. While his wife is sleeping he gets up and puts in a anti cheat device inside of his wife’s private part. It’s in the shape of a tiny ...

My grandfather was the kind of man who was proud of the fact that his back door was always open.

We think that's why his submarine sank.

I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other.

He finally paid a contractor

I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you!!!

Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

I am really proud of my self this morning..

Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.

I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!

"So, Mr. Sean Connery, it is true that you're proud of your hobby of carpentry?"

"Yeah, I love talking about myshelf"

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Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of.

Two years rent free.

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

My brother who is finally mastering how English puns works was so proud of this one. WHAT DO YOU CALL A FROZEN PAIR OF PANTIES ONCE IT DEFROSTS?

THAWNG.

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

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How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

I love that my wife is a golf enthusiast

When I finish in 3 strokes, she's proud of me!

I'm not proud of it but I went out last night & got ridiculously drunk.

I woke up this morning next to a woman who was constantly farting & snoring.
It felt good to know I’d made it home safely.

A man and his three daughters

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. ...

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