UPJOKE
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A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.
AI Image Generator

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

In which state is the Great Salt Lake?

Liquid

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

r/Jokes is a great place to learn English

Not just because of the vocabulary and fun, but also because reading the same thing over and over again is crucial in the learning process.

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?

Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum

My neighbors are listening to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

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My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'

Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'

But you fuck just one goat.

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My friend told me, “I’ve got great news. My wife is pregnant.”

Me: Excellent. Do you know the sex?

Him: Of course we know “the sex”. How else would she get pregnant?

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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Heard a great NSFW joke about Midas and Oedipus...

...It was mother fucking gold.

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

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Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!

Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

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Sex is great at 50

Though I live at number 48.

Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!

The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

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Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy.

But he really saved the History channel.

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

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I heard how great VR porn is, and how immersive it is. So decided to check it out.

And it’s true. I completely forgot I was at Starbucks.

My Uncle Bill used to tell me that the secret to great theatre was ‘always leave them wanting more’…..

Lovely bloke, terrible anaesthetist.

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?

Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no p...

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Great Vampire joke I saw on here before.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.



The strongest one started 1st,
"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "...

My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"

I said, "Gee, honey. No."

And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"

I just watched a great documentary on Cocaine.

I think I’m going to watch all my documentaries this way now.

My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

She's in charge of the hops.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

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One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

The great thing about inflation,

is if you spend the same on groceries,

the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick

I hope that when Bob Barker passes into the great beyond the voice he hears isn't saying...

Come on down

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The Monk Story with a great suspense.

This has really a great suspense...!!!!!


A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car....

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

Why do some presidents make such great fishermen?

They know exactly how to rig the poles,
tell tall tails, and lie about the size of their cache.

If the USA is so great...

Why did they create the USB?

Two well endowed gentlemen needed to relieve themselves in a great hurry on a dark and rainy night

They were standing dockside so decided to pee into the harbor several feet below. Midstream, one turns to the other and says, waters cold tonight. The other replies, and deep.

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It's true that carrots are great for memory.

Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender g...

I heard a great joke about elevators

It works on many levels

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

I really want to tell you all what makes Indian Curry taste so great.

But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.

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They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

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Two great white sharks . . .

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they...

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…

Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!

Christmas was great! I got a new Tesla for my wife.

I thought it was a good trade.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

What do you call a great dane who hunts ghosts underwater?

Scuba Doo

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

Self-deprecating jokes are great.

Not that I'm any good at them.

Great minds think alike

But two idiots seldom differ

Sauron is a great name

It has a nice ring to it

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

If women were great at multitasking..

Sitting down and being quiet would be easy.

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A beautiful woman sat next to a man on a plane. After some small talk, the woman admitted that she was getting treatment for sex addiction. "I am doing great, my only remaining issue is I can't resist cowboys and Italian men. By the way, I never caught your name."

"My name is Big Tex Marconi, great to meet you."

I have such a great memory.

I can't even remember the last time I forgot something.

Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?

They both lead Russia to the 18th century.

I had the great honour of being hit by a road roller today.

I feel flattened.

Why do ambitious bankers make lousy colleagues but great partners?

They'll never leave you a loan.

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A member of Stalin's cabinet overhears a conversation in which Marshal Zhukov calls the Great Leader a "mustachioed asshat".

The cabinet member wastes no time in telling Stalin of this heresy. Stalin approaches Zhukov and says, "Now, who is a mustachioed asshat?"


Zhukov raises his eyebrows, "When I said that, I was thinking of Fuhrer Hitler, of course!"


He then turns to the cabinet member.

...

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

What's the difference between a good Accountant and a great Accountant?

A good Accountant knows 2+2=4, a great Accountant asks "what do you want it to be?"

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is a great philosophy

But it's a lousy way to tell a kid they're adopted.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

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"You know how I realized I had such a great butt?"

Because every time I would walk away after meeting a group of ladies I could hear them say, " what an ass"

What's the difference between the Great Pyramid in Egypt and the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas?

Ages of neglect and pillaging have caused one of them to fall into utter disrepair. The other is in Egypt.

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Summer wasn’t bad either

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A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers..

He was a con-tent creator.

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

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Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

I've a great fear of speed bumps

but I'm slowly getting over it.

I came across an old photo of my great grandmother earlier today.

Took me nearly an hour to clean it off.

I'd tell you a great time travel joke...

but you didn't like it..

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A duck had sex with a chicken as the rooster watched with great excitement.

This somehow managed to created a new species, which was named after the rooster. Scientist called this species the “Cuck”.

How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

it's not great, but not terrible either.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morni...

Mrs. Goldberg and Mrs. Ginsburg used to be great friends, but eventually they drifted apart

Years later, they bump into each other in the supermarket.

Mrs. Ginsburg says “It’s so great to see you! Tell me, how is Mr. Goldberg?”

Mrs. Goldberg replies “Well you won’t believe what I have to tell you! A few days ago I was making a pot of soup, and it was delicious but I thought ...

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don't know. We just clicked.

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

I don't think the new AI is all that great.

I asked ChatGPT to do my taxes in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
And it replied, "For Free: Four Quarterly Tax Payment Vouchers, never used."

That is really not helpful, at all.

My dog would have been great to bring in the Oregon Trail.

Her tail is a wagon.

Four more years is a great thing to shout at a president running for reelection...

But not so good to shout at a 14 year old girl.

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

What does a great accountant do?

He Excels

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

I'm a great surgeon, I've never lost a patient

I know exactly where they all were when they died

Why were the gassy mummies such great friends?

They had Tutankhamen.

My Lawyer gave me great advice

He always said I should never apologise if it’s not my fault because I could be admitting liability and landed with a big bill.

However his uncle died recently and I sent him a condolence card and my trial starts next week.

I have a great joke about stalkers.

You just have to wait for it to come to you.

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

My wife and I found this GREAT chickpea spread.....

it's so good we wish it could SING. But all it could do was hummus a tune.

To be a great prosecutor

You’ve gotta have conviction

With great power comes

Greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

I recently learnt that my dad, grandad and great-grandad all had diarrhoea

Runs in the family

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