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Great Jokes

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My wife is brilliant. She never says “No” to a shag, she has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone on for long enough.

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

In which state is the Great Salt Lake?

Liquid

Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

I really want to tell you all what makes Indian Curry taste so great.

But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

If women were great at multitasking..

Sitting down and being quiet would be easy.

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

If the USA is so great...

Why did they create the USB?

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick

Why are the great pyramids in Egypt?

The British couldn't fit them on their ships.

I don't think the new AI is all that great.

I asked ChatGPT to do my taxes in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
And it replied, "For Free: Four Quarterly Tax Payment Vouchers, never used."

That is really not helpful, at all.

Christmas was great! I got a new Tesla for my wife.

I thought it was a good trade.

Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!

The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.

Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?

Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum

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I could have been a great pornstar...

I would have finished early every day.

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

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It's true that carrots are great for memory.

Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

Why were the gassy mummies such great friends?

They had Tutankhamen.

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

I'm a great surgeon, I've never lost a patient

I know exactly where they all were when they died

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is a great philosophy

But it's a lousy way to tell a kid they're adopted.

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

To be a great prosecutor

You’ve gotta have conviction

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

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My therapist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them

I did that, and it really worked! But I’m wondering, what do I do with the letters?

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

I recently learnt that my dad, grandad and great-grandad all had diarrhoea

Runs in the family

I have a great joke about stalkers.

You just have to wait for it to come to you.

Little Johnny & the Teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Litt...

I have a great joke about depression, wanna hear it?

*sigh* Who am I kidding?

You'll hate it anyways.

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

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Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

So after a great date last night the girl said her place was far away and hinted about her "options" for tonight...

So I was like: " You know, I actually live right around the corner... so I can easily show you which night bus you should take"

Running feels great

Until you compare it with not running

My wife and I found this GREAT chickpea spread.....

it's so good we wish it could SING. But all it could do was hummus a tune.

When are the great comedian artists often recognized?

Post-humorously.

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”


The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”


The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”


The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”


And so on and so on for hours...

My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

A great name for a crematory would be AbraCadaver

Have you lost a loved one and don't know what to do next? AbraCadaver!

Tired of those pesky teenagers and their hula hoops on your lawn? AbraCadaver!

Interested in going out in a blaze of glory? AbraCadaver!

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

People say John Cage's 4'33 is a great piece of music

But I just don't hear it.

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

A Joke from the Late Great Townes Van Zandt

A drunk is walking down the street and bumps into a cop.

The drunk says, “Man, they stole my car.”

The cop says, “Well where was it?”

The drunk says, “Right on the end of this key.”

The cop says, “You better to go down to the precinct and they’ll fill out all the proper ...

What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?

They both lead Russia to the 18th century.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle

He didn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a “for sale” sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 15 years old. It is shiny and in absolute perfect condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condi...

I came across an old photo of my great grandmother earlier today.

Took me nearly an hour to clean it off.

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?

Herb

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

What does a great accountant do?

He Excels

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

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Polly wants a working girl

So a woman walks into my church and she's like, 'Father, I got a problem. I got two parrots, but they're both female and all they know how to say is one thing.'

And I'm like, 'What do they say?'

And she gets all red in the face and she's like, 'They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you...

Why doesn't Michigan fall into the great lakes?

Because Ohio sucks!

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

The great thing about inflation,

is if you spend the same on groceries,

the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.

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Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

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Did my first nude painting yesterday

The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

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I went to Japan alone and visited a temple

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.


Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime l...

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

By The Great Mitch Hedberg.

"A dog is forever in a push up postion".

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

Why are cheetahs great to exercise with?

Because they will spot you at the gym!

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

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A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”...

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What makes a great emo band?

Lots of Deep Cuts

i found a great online support group for erectile dysfunction

but the site won’t stay up

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

Two great opportunities are walking past a bar.

The one says to the other, “Let’s go inside and get wasted.”

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

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Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher was going over how to use the word beautiful in a sentence.

He asked the class if anybody could use the word beautiful in a sentence. Little Jane put up her hand and said “today is a b-b-b-beautiful day“. Excellent said the teacher.

Little Sally put up her hand and said “my mom says I look beautiful in a summer dress“. Great job said the teacher.
...

They always say that daylight savings is such a great idea

I give it six months

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How is studying similar to masturbating?

If you do it a lot of times a day it's not gonna be very hard. And when you finish it feels great

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

The jokes from IKEA are great, but

a:1 b:1 c:1 d:1 e:4 f:1 h:3 i:2 l:3 n:2 o:3 p:1 r:1 s:1 t:2 u:4 v:1 Y:1 y:1

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Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive.

It's called The Wedding Cake.

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

Why did Genghis Khan have such the great legs?

He always completed his steppe goal

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Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

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Great Golf Game

This guy was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been i...

The Great Showman

While doing his rounds on a cruise ship out at sea, a porter on a cruise ship comes across a homeless man sleeping in a lifeboat. He wakes the man up and asks him why he's there.

"I'm homeless, obviously, just looking for somewhere to lay my head," the homeless man replies.

"Give me on...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite Mary over for drinks

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite their friend Mary over for drinks. They are drinking wine and having a great time, when Mary spills her drink on her shirt. Mary asks Beth if she could borrow one of her tops. Beth laughs and says “you’d never fit in one of my shirts, you’re the size of a dinosaur!Try...

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

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A kitten walks into a bar and yells to the bartender "I'm an alcoholic! I'm going to get black out drunk! So get me a double whiskey and tonic!"

The bartender warns, "I've told you before I can't serve you that!"

The kitten replies, "Don't be a pussy!"

The bartender slides him a drink. The kitten slams it down and passes out.

A patron asks the bartender, "Did you really give a kitten a whiskey and tonic?"

The bart...

r/Jokes is a great place to learn English

Not just because of the vocabulary and fun, but also because reading the same thing over and over again is crucial in the learning process.

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

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A demon is checking a new arrival into Hell.

"Says here," he says, "you didn't really do anything wrong and they were willing to let you into the Other Place."

"Yes," said the dead soul. "But I said I'd rather be in Hell with my best friend than in Heaven with God!"

"Huh," says the demon. "Okay, we don't normally do requests, but...

Team bus

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a g...

What do you call a dinosaur with a great vocabulary?

A thesaurus

Its a great hospital!

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The head nurse.

Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!

What's a great way to hand someone all the answers they're looking for, only for them to ignore it and ask anyway?

Be a teacher and give a student their syllabus.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

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Aman comes home from work and his wife greats him at the door wearing a sexy French maid outfit.

He smiles as he is looking her up and down. High heels and fishnet stockings. Then he says “Thanks for cleaning the house today honey.”

Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would...

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