Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

How much space will open up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB.

Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

The great thing about sarcasm is

Everyone always gets it.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Great news for insomniacs

Only 2 more sleeps until Christmas

What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

Why are birds such great improvisers?

They're always wingin' it.

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So I told my mom this girl had a pair of great tits, and she smacked me.

I wonder why she hates birds so much.

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Takes place during the Great Depression.

A man and his wife were barely scraping by on their combined salaries, but they weren’t making enough to make ends meet. One night, they lay in bed hungry after skipping supper. Now the woman had an idea, but she didn’t think her husband would approve of it. She turned to the man and said,
“Why ...

I had a great time watching "The Worlds Largest Outdoor Family Reunion" yesterday.

I guess most people just call it the Alabama vs Auburn game.

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

Orange is a great fruit.

It is citrically acclaimed.

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says: “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies: “God and I are close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

What's great about water is that you can drink it at work...

Now what's great about vodka is that it looks just like water.

I have a great UDP joke for you

I'm not sure if you will get it though

Oscar Chavez was a great fencer

He won many tournaments until he entered the r/jokes fencing tournament.

He used his usual aggressive thrusts, but only his opponents quick parries would score points.

Enraged, he asked the judges why he lost without scoring any points.

"I'm sorry, but this is r/jokes, OC alwa...

A good accountant says 2+2=4, a bad accountant 2+2=5, a great accountant

Asks what you want 2+2 equal to

With great power comes great ...

use of utilities

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don't know. We just clicked.

I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great.

Half of my heart is in Havana

What goes great with Mexican Coca-Cola?

ICE

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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An old man tsks at his great-grandson playing Fortnite

"This is what you kids do for fun these days? Why back in my day, we'd go to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, fuck all the dancers, piss all over the bar, and leave without paying!"

He didn't think anything more of it until a month later when his great-grandson limped into his house on a pair of cr...

Why do garbagemen make great video game teammates?

Because they're used to carrying trash

I've got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine

I hope it bares fruit.

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

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"Alright guys, we have lots of pictures to mount before the art gallery tonight. Like I said in the email, we'll have to use these adhesive hooks. Under no circumstances will you penetrate the wall with nails or screws. Tim, I've noticed you've already hung one picture. Great job.

Tim (hiding his drill and muttering under his breath): welp.. I screwed that up.

It's great having a loose girlfriend!

But she's had her fun now, back in the cage she goes!

What do you get when you cross breed a Chihuahua with a Great Dane?

A dead chihuahua

Great news!

My sisters pregnant.
I’m gonna be a dad!!!!!!!

You know what’s great about being a skull?

You don’t need no body

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We've all encountered a butterface, but have you ever encountered a butterfingers? Beautiful face, smokin' body, amazing personality. Everything is great, but her...

Catching ability.

Everything was going great with me and my girlfriend until she told me she used to be a Christian. I wouldn't put up with it, so I dumped her.

Call me judgmental all you want, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

I’m a great Russian Roulette player!

I’ve only lost once!

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

I had a great joke about the Ozone Layer.

[depleted]

China recently tried to gain favor with the rest of the world by releasing a video of all their native bears, standing in a big circle, to show their repopulation and conservation efforts. Some people thought it was great.

I think it was just panda ring.

Wanna know what would be a great game for people with dementia?

Memory.

I just finished 'Great Expectations'...

*...It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.*

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There was a French knight who was great at math and sex

He was known as Sir Cum of France

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They say that make up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

What did Alexander the Great and Smoky the Bear have in common?

The same middle name.

(Hope it's not been done yet)

Showerthoughts are great.

But typically I take baths so I can really soak it all in.

A great worker is hard to find.

That's why I hide when I get to work.

I told my potato he makes a great commentator when we watch sports.

He said "who ya callin' common?"

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I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great

Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.

I just saw this great movie about a complete sentence...

It was a period piece.

I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

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My great grandad died for his own beliefs.

He believed he could wank on the bus.

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

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Women are super great at multitasking, but men can beat them in one thing

Having headache and sex

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Alfred Nobel was a great guy. He was a scientist, engineer, and he created dynamite. He also created the Nobel Prizes.

He was so amazing that he blew everyone away

My great-grandfather in WWII

My great grandpa was responsible for the downing of over 25 German aircraft during the war.


He was the worst mechanic in the whole Luftwaffe.

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished.

Kids these days have such great manners

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

At my age now, people say facebook is a great way to connect with old friends

Well at my age if i wanted to connect with old friends i would need a Ouija board.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

Leather is great for sneaking around...

probably because it's made of hide.

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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling. Should I tell her, that I was just correcting her grammar or should I leave it?

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

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Morning sex is a great way to start the day!

Unless you are in prison

Everyone was complimenting how great my beard looked tonight.

I don't think "yeah she does look great" was the right answer.

I have a friend who is paralysed, which is great for high pressure situations.

She doesn’t really feel nerves anymore.

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

I overheard my wife and her friends talking about how great their husbands are

My wife said that while I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, she does sleep with the most handsome man in the neighborhood.


And as soon as I find out who he is I’ll break his goddamn neck!

I heard a great joke on the Sims once.

Ba shlurgch humar?

DORCH!

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

At school we discussed the great rulers.

I opted for the helix 30cm shatterproof.

People told Beethoven he couldn't be a great musician because he was deaf

But did he listen?

What makes Switzerland a great country?

I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

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Getting some great info

So this one guy was walking down the street and he was feeling super horny. So he asked the first guy he saw if he knew anywhere where he could get laid. And the guy said, “Oh, well, that massage parlor over there gives happy endings.” So the horny guy said “Ah great, that’ll cum in handy.”

Midwives are really great

They're always helping people out.

Two engineering students were walking across campus...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off...

What's great about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere.

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

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A girl talking about sex is great

A girl talking about enviroment is Greta

A wife tells her husband “I want us to have a great weekend”

The Husband replies....

“Ok I’ll see you Monday then”

Liberace was a great piano player.

He sucked on the organ, though.

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Today I found out Hitler was my great great grandpa.

I did Nazi that coming.

So I'm cleaning out my refrigerator and couldn't help to notice what a great blue cheese selection I have.

Not intentionally.

My great uncle liked his little games.

For years it seemed like he had just disappeared without a trace. The entire family scoured the U.S. to track him down.

But I finally found his will. Pretty disappointing, actually. It was a dead giveaway.

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

Did you hear about the great ginger ale crisis of 1995?

No? I guess it must have been schwepped under the rug..

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

I've heard that "Never gonna give you up" is a great song.

But everytime I'm asking for a link I'm just getting rickrolled...

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said.

Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type

He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

My wife makes a great stew

Really gonna miss her though.

The joke my great-grandpa told me about 15 years ago

A man kisses his wife goodnight and goes to sleep one day. After he wakes up, he notices an old man in white robes lying next to him instead of his wife.
- Who are you and why are you in my bed?! - he asks.
- This is not your bedroom. I am St Peter and you're in Heaven.
- What?! I'm d...

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Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

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A man walks into a bar...

then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

Me: Hey I got a great knock knock joke but you have to start it off

Them: ok, knock knock

Me: Who's there!

Them: *confused silence*

The banker offered me a great complement when I went in to see him.

He said my accounts all have outstanding balances.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

Heard a great one from an old fella in a doctors receiption.

*80 year old man walks into receiption*

Receiptionist: Please take a seat

Old man: Take it where?

Both chuckle

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Viagra is great for sunburn!

Take it before you go to bed at night, and it keeps the sheets off your skin and stops you rolling over in bed too!

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