What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

Ted Cruz almost made America great again....

...but then the idiot came back

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A fourth generation prostitute goes home to her great grandmother's house for a family dinner

A fourth generation prostitute goes home to her great grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Jesus! Men these days complain about paying £50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mum, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty...

My girlfriend just told me she's seeing someone. It's either great news or terrible news.

My girlfriend is blind.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

Nothing beats a girl with a great singing voice

Except Chris Brown

y=mx+b jokes are great...

but at some point we'll have to draw the line.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

Why do piano players make great lovers.?

They get the fingering right.

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Colonel Isaev, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, is invited to a school in Leningrad

He is telling the children about his days as a soldier in the Red Army and his war exploits. When he finishes, he asks the children if they have any questions.

Vovochka raises his hand, and the teacher tenses up.

"When I grow up, I want to be an intelligence officer and protect my Glor...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

My great-grandpa died in Auschwitz

He was really drunk and fell off a watchtower

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

As a rock salesman, I've had great success with money.

Sometimes I take it for granite.

A women would be great archeologists

They always love to dig up the past

What do you call a Donkey Kong game that is set during the Great Depression?

The Apes of Wrath

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

It is with great sorrow that I tell you that My friend passed away

His last words were, "I think that the Chinese gov-"

What do you call a dog that's part great dane?

Great danish

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

They say drinking one beer a day can prevent you from having a psychotic break, which is great...

...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Yeah, the NRA sounds great, but personally, I prefer Deer Lovers Anonymous.

You get more bang for your buck.

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I used to give great blowjobs

Then I sucked and blew the whole thing.

So I met this great girl at a party

I gave her peas.

She gave me herpes.

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What do you Not want to hear while you're having great sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

yeah I'm great in bed

I've been here for 12 hours

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

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The great thing about goofy people is that they're always goofing off

Now jerks on the other hand...

I got mauled by a Great Dane and ended up in intensive care

Come on Scooby Doo, ICU

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Why did Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall ...

Why did the great flood happen?

God didn't dam it.

A great prom with nice clothes, lights and music. But what was missing?

The punchline

Did you hear that the Great Flying Phoenix decided to get his wings clipped?

Now he just goes by Joaquin Phoenix.

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

Electricity is a great thing...

Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Great doc

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday. The doc was great. He even kept both of his hands on my shoulders to comfort me.

That was a great birthday party I went to last night.

Nice looking women, great food, good music. Everyone just having a good time

And they didn't even notice me staring in through the crack in the curtains.

Why do musicians make great scavengers?

They're always luting.

Although its great for getting out of trouble with bounty hunters

Han's tendency to shoot first did not make Leia very happy.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

Had a great time telling Yo Mama jokes with all my buddies last night.

She's got a great sense of humour.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

I have a great fear of stairs

I just always feel they are up to something

I went to a fondue party last night and thought of a really great joke!

I was too embarrassed to say it though, it was really cheesy.

They say America is a great big melting pot...

But nobody bothered to mix it

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business.

Here's the Amazon link to it!

Where did you hear that great joke? .....I didn’t hear it.

i.redd.it

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

My day started out great, until 12 o’clock

Thats when i woke up

What’s the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

Why is lockpicking a great profession?

It can open doors for you

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

An oldie but still great: What’s the difference between a praying nun and a nun in the bath?

One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.

I was so happy when I finally found a great ghostwriter for a book I'd like to write.

It didn't work out though because the pen kept falling through its fingers.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

The commander of the confederate army didn’t going into great detail when he talked.

Generally speaking.

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A lot of people think humans having opposable thumbs contributed greatly to our evolution, but I don’t know...

...I think we just have a better grasp on things.

During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning

During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning but it would get better later.

I thanked them and told them that I will apply again later.

I had a great time travel joke to tell you guys.

But it turned out that none of you liked it.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

What develops great logistical skills in a man?

Having three mistresses at the same time.

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Foot fetishists are great at first impressions.

They always get off on the right foot.

My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2

Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

SNL does great parodies of presidential debates.

For some reason this one is airing on a Tuesday though

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They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

They’re having a great sale in person at the mall for Black Friday

Everything is buy one, get achoo free

Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related...

It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors

If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?

Was just watching the Great British Baking Show

The entire series feels like an apology for sending us Gordon Ramsay.

I saw a great movie about databases today.

I can't wait for the SQL

What starts with PO, ends with RN and goes great with TV?

Popcorn

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

The world’s first great fisherman possessed something that no man before him ever had.

Allure.

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

I heard this great joke in Nevada once... what did the dog say to the duck

I’ll let you know next week

The shovel was such a great invention.

It was truly groundbreaking.

I have a joke on Orion's belt, but it's not great.

Only 3 stars

TIL For 15 years, the Swedes thought sounds from the sea were Russian submarines invading their territory. They regularly investigated, sending subs, boats and helicopters - at great expense - only to come up empty-handed.

Upon investigation by a biologist, the noise was discovered to be farts from fish.

It seems the Swedes were having herring problems.

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

I just read some great political news today!...

...Arizona, Georgia and North Carolina have all projected that they will probably have the 2020 ballots counted in time for the 2024 presidential election.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

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So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end.. (Nsfw)

So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end. . . I slide on down over to her and we start talking.

After a while of chatting and a few rounds I said "Listen honey, I was wondering if after we finish these drinks, you'd like to come bac...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

A man walks into a bakery on March 14th

He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.

He says, man look ...

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

A man goes to the Doctor

and tells him he’s been having terrible gas, but his farts don’t smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his cond...

I used to have a great body...

Had to get rid of it when the police started snooping around.

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

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