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Pleased Jokes

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...

What do you call a group of pleased people sitting down to eat?

A table of contents

Fellow redditors, I am pleased to announce that I am clean and sober.

So I’m going to finish this shower and head to the liquor store

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet

So far I've got eight fridges

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....

I'm pleased with it.

(Came up with this earlier today and told my 14 year old daughter. She was not impressed.)

I'm going to write a new movie script. It will be about a locomotive that breaks down and must, by pure manpower alone, be pulled back to the rail yard.
I'll call it "How To Drag Your Train In."

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

Sir, the numbers are in and I'm pleased to report that chimney sales are through the roof.

But our kindling branch is up in smoke.

Why was the first person to have their eyes genetically edited so pleased?

Well, who wouldn’t want CRISPR vision?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a 25 inch long penis

And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.

When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his ...

Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.

Gsus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

A repairman was hired to repair a large machine in a factory.

He showed up, examined the machine, then tapped it once with a hammer. It started up. The factory owner was pleased, but not when he got a bill from the repairman for $100. He thought that was outrageous, and he asked for an itemized bill. So the repairman handed him a bill which said:

Tappin...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.

The carpenter had cut some corners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

My comedian friend arranged a date with a girl and didn't show up. She wasn't pleased.

Some people just don't appreciate stand-up comedy these days.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

French Intelligence agencies are pleased to announce today that they have developed very sophisticated Yves-dropping techniques.

Unfortunately, Yves did not survive the fall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the...

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Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

In a national park, a woman stopped to watch a deer.

A man walked over to her and said, "This is red deer, Cervus elaphus, it's pleased to meet you."

Then she watched him continue to other visitors and say the same thing.

She catches up with him and asks, "Why are you doing this?"

The man responds, "The ranger told me this species...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

Doctor please

Doctor: "I'm afraid you're going to have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life."

Patient: "But you only prescribed 7 pills!"

Doctor: "Exactly!"

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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