UPJOKE

Proud Of You Jokes

I told my son, "Son, I'm so proud of you and everything you have accomplished. I hope some day you will have children of your own." ... to which he replied:

"I hope you will too dad"

Your mother is proud of you for wearing a mask

But she is also disappointed because look how nice you would have looked everyday if you became a surgeon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke told by my 90 year old grandma

A business man who owns a company wanted to travel for a business meeting. He was scared that his wife was gonna cheat on him with his employees while he's gone, so he decides to put a machine on his wife's thighs that will cut off anything that comes near it.
He traveled and finally came back, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The faithful soldier

One day an army general suspects that his platoon of 100 men are all having sex with his lovely wife. So one night he decides to see if he is right in his suspicions. While his wife is sleeping he gets up and puts in a anti cheat device inside of his wife’s private part. It’s in the shape of a tiny ...

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

My wife asked: You're pretty proud of your self for that one aren't you? With only a slight smirk on her face.

So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: "Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now". She said "How's that?" I said, "They are both a litt...

Son: Dad, my wife is pregnant.

Dad: That’s great! I’m so proud of you!

Son: Thanks So-proud-of-you, I’m your son.

Dad: I have trained you well.



Edited to appease and give credit to /u/Alexxion

There was this kid who was terrible at school...

His parents had tried everything; after school programs, private tutoring, etc. Nothing had worked to bring up his grades. So they decided to try one last thing, to send him to Catholic school.

So the first day of Catholic school he goes, and comes home. He opens the door and looks at his mom...

A Jewish man is elected president...

Soon after, he calls up his mother to tell her the good news. "Mom, did you hear, I've been elected president!" "Oh, T
That's so great to hear, darling. I'm so proud of you!"

"So," asks the man, "you'll be coming out for the inauguration, right?" "I'm not sure," says his mother, "D.C. is ...

What do my girlfriend and a Subway worker have in common?

Everything, my girlfriend recently got a job at Subway, I'm very proud of you sweetie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family.

There was once a boy who was born into a very rich family. His parents could afford to give him anything he wanted. Well, the boy finally graduated from preschool. So far, he had already mastered his ABC’s and could count to one hundred perfectly. He could even spell fairly well, and his reading was...

An old man and his wife were in the kitchen 1 day

The man was very hard of hearing and made breakfast for his wife. The woman enjoyed it very much and said “honey I’m so proud of you”
The man couldn’t hear so he responded “huh” the woman than said it a little bit louder, “Honey I said I am proud of you!” The man still couldn’t hear and said “huh...

A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.


The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."

One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm ...

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