UPJOKE
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I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

Was seeing a girl who had "I'm a dog person" on their dating profile.

I found it strange that she never introduced me to her dog though so I thought it might have died and never brought it up.

Around our 6 month anniversary she asked if we could spice things up. I said sure.

I was on the bed waiting and she came in on all fours wearing a wolf fursuit a...

A single guy walks into a bar

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been trying that online dating thing. Almost every single girl has the same old line in their profile," he tells the bartender. "Oh yeah, what line is that?" the bartender asks. "They all say, 'If I was meant to be controlled I would have come w...

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

To the person who stole the password to my cam profile:

I’m coming for you.

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

I saw on this girl's dating profile that she's a "health and fitness junkie." So that's cool...

We've got one of those three things in common.

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I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

I'm 5'8.5" and I'm not sure if it would be better to round it up or down on my dating profile

I can round down to 4'20" or round up to 69"

^^^post ^^^unavailable ^^^in ^^^metric

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Her profile said she wants a guy that makes her laugh

Unfortunately, she also said "no dick pics" so there goes that

I added pronouns to my tinder profile last night.

I'm now known as he/him/yes officer that's the one.

What does Medusa have in her dating profile?

Beware: I'm drop dead gorgeous.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Thor gets a hit on his tinder profile...

After a night of wild, unrestrained god-level passion he notices his date looks a little knackered.
Sorry, but I’m Thor. He says
The girl looks up and says, You’re Thor? I’m tho thor I can’t thpeak

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

So, my Italian friend was asking what the character was on my Nintendo profile...

I replied: “It’s a Mii, Mario”

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?

Recently Separated

Why is there an unlit cigarette on my tinder profile?

I have no matches

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

My tinder profile says

that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.

My dates are always seem disappointed when they find out I’m a bus driver.

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

My Tinder account got blocked because I had a Pokemon in my profile pic

They're just Shellos

Who was the first woman with a Tinder profile?

Joan of Arc.

On my online dating profile it clearly says that I’m 6 foot - 4 inches

So why when I turn up are woman always disappointed that I’m 5’8”

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

A dating profile reads...

Single woman with Lysol and hand sanitizer seeking single man with two-ply toilet paper for good, clean fun.

Tinder Date: "Oh wow, you’re way better looking than in your profile pic."

Dorian Gray: "Yeah, I get that a lot actually."

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

I like to lie a lot on online dating profiles.

But I have to tell you the hardest part about being six foot - five is finding someone who loves me for me.

What do you call a prison guard who is responsible for a high profile inmate?

Asleep apparently.

I swiped left because her Tinder profile looked scary.

I was afraid I might get ghosted.

I added princess Diana as a profile on my Xbox

But unfortunately she's only on the dashboard

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Job Profile

The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young Manager "Yes smarty, What do you do?"

Manager (calmly) : "Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."

Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around.

The CEO looks ...

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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Dating Profile

Newly single.

Newly widowed more accurately.

My ex fucked dozens.

Many children, all aggressive in nature.

I have a goofy name but my friends just call me....

FOAB.

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A beautiful prostitute attended a high profile function..

When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the prostitute, she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area o...

Did you see that Roy Moore had a high profile interview on Dateline NBC?

What was unfortunate for him is that it was with Chris Hansen, who started it by asking him to take a seat over there.

I have a delivery van set as my profile picture on dating websites.

I just want the ladies to know what they’re getting into.

Covert Russian Cameras Discovered In High Profile US Officials' Restroom Facilities

The cameras were disassembled, and found to be of Russian origin. Upon further investigation, they are found to be part of a Russian espionage/blackmail program, codenamed 'Operation VCUP'.

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I went to meet a girl from Tinder. Her profile said she was into erotic enemas.

Turns out she was full of shit.


(Just thought of this one, you can probably guess where I'm currently posting from.)

A detective has finally solved a high profile dog murder.

He successfully followed a lead.

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My Tinder profile says I'm into coprophilia

Girls eat that shit up

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What did the pedophile write on his Tinder profile?

Netflix and Chilldren

I am proud to say I give all the ladies repetitive strain injury.

Unfortunately it’s from swiping left on my tinder profile.

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Roses are red

Roses are red

People say I’m a prick

But I think you’ll like

My profile pic

Almost immediately after making my first joke here, I got a brand new follower!

I was very excited, so I went to their profile. I think they're a new account, they only have one post, and when I clicked on the link in the post, it took me to a site that immediately asked if I was over 18

I guess my joke was a little immature, sure, but there's gotta be nicer ways of sayi...

I just love how...

You can put anything as a profile picture on Reddit and nobody will notice.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Long distance relationship

A woman and a man met on Tinder and began a long distance relationship. They would communicate everyday but their distance was always 1548km apart. Eventually, the woman could no longer bear the distance apart and asked for a break up. The man said nothing. The next day, the woman noticed the distan...

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I'm a big fan of the Beatles, in particular Paul McCartney.

I made an account on the official Beatles website and made my profile picture an album of Paul McCartney throughout the years. However an admin told me I was going to be banned, I asked why and was shown the list of rules and the first was "Users are not allowed multipaul accounts."

A Czech joke translation

Since we're all translating jokes, this is one I heard when I lived in Prague. FYI, it was a big hit when I told it in Sweden using Norway as the other country.

So an incredibly nefarious criminal escapes from prison in the Czech Republic. Rumor is he went across the border to Slovakia. So th...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

The Best Thing About Reddit is...

The fact that no one will ever notice my anime profile pic.

What did the girl say after she met Jesus on a blind date?

Hmmm...you look much whiter on your profile picture.

My best friend got a gf recently.

When he first told me, he mentioned that she had nice “assets”, and gave me a knowing look. Then he showed me her Tinder profile.

She’s a stockbroker.

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

Three blondes are trying to enter a police academy.

In order to do so, they have to pass an entrance exam.

The examiner takes the first blonde into a secure room and shows her a picture for ten seconds, and then asks: “If this was your suspect, how would you remember him?”

“Easy,” the first blonde responds. “He only has one eye!”
...

I downloaded a torrent the other day and the next day 2 agents knocked on my door accusing me of being a Pirate.

I told them I can’t be a pirate and they asked why is that? I showed them my Reddit profile and said “See, no gold”

Facebook is like jail

You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

Went out with this girl I met on Ok Cupid, I think we clicked, but I never asked her out again. I know this makes me shallow, I just couldn't handle how many kids she had.

To be fair, it was my own fault, she clearly stated in her profile that she was a goat farmer...

A cop sees a dancing suspect

Cop: Suspect is engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square

Radio: Copy that

Cop: I’ve had a couple breakdance lessons but I’m no way as good as him sir

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

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Wedding night (slightly offensive to kangaroos)

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides make a profile on a dating site.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entir...

For Sale - and not what you think it is!

For Sale:



'96 Model Year

Low Mileage

No Accidents

Spotless Interior

Reliable

Superior Performance and Handling

Runs Well Every Day

Dual Front Airbags

Spacious Rear Cargo

Looks Great, Sounds Better



No, this ...

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Got into a fight in a bar

Met some new people at the bar and tried to break the ice with some jokes.


Went well, till I went to the more offensive ones. Here's the joke I told:

*"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your laundry in."*

One guy goes crazy and h...

Plan for Unlimited Free labor

1. Create online profile of 16 year old girl.
2. Chat with men and tell them my dad will not be home.
3. When 2 guys show up, answer the door as 'dad' with print outs of chat logs.
4. Point to piles of dirt and shovels in the yard.
5. It isn't false advertising to say that I need 2 big m...

Hey girl are you blocking a water source

Because... Dam.

My original joke on my tinder profile. Idk if this should be on r/dadjokes

yo mama is so old..

her profile is on carbon dating apps

An Amazon executive walks into a Whole Foods

It's his first time there, and he wants to see what all the hype is about.

The executive goes shopping for his normal every day needs, and even picks out a couple extra things that stood out to him for an impulse buy.

The executive goes to the counter to check out, and the clerk rings ...

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A Man Goes to the Bank

A man goes to the nearby city in his Rolls-Royce for some business he had to attend. When he arrives, he goes to the bank, parks his car an walks into the bank.

He says to the teller, "I immediately need a loan of $5000." The teller replies,"I'm sorry sir, but we cannot give you the money lik...

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Mister Mxyzptlk robs a bank.

It's a really high profile case, so the chief is all over the lead detective, calling him every few minutes for updates. The detective reviews the security footage and recognizes Mister Mxyzptlk. Not three seconds later the phone rings.

"Detective! I've got the mayor all over my ass on this o...

A biologist, a logician, and a philosopher are driving down the road in County Clare...

They see the profile of a brown cow grazing in an adjacent meadow. The biologist says, "Look, Ireland has brown cows!" The logician says, "No, sir, all we can say for certain is that Ireland has at least one brown cow." The philosopher retorts, "Alas, my fair companions, all we can know for certain ...

The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's a...

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately."

"Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

Guy meets a Girl on Tinder..

Both never showed their real photos on their respective profiles. They agree to meet up in a Starbucks. Guy says he will be wearing plain white tees, but wore a green shirt. Girl says she will be wearing a yellow dress and she did. Day of the meet up, guy sees the girl and is ugly as hell. The girl,...

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

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