UPJOKE
facsimiletelephonetelegraminternetemailtelefaxmodembitmapcopiertelextelecommunicatemailpagerphonecommunicate

Faces Jokes

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do men look at their wives' faces during sex?

I did it once. She looked very angry while she was watching from the window. I would not recommend it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

The guy who took Pelosi's podium faces trial next week

But he won't be taking the stand

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Ugly Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to have a talk with the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and...

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

Ugly Faces

One fine day in a preschool....
Child: -makes ugly faces-
Teacher: Stop it
Child: Why?
Teacher: When I was your age, my teacher told me if I make ugly faces, it'll stay that way
Child: Oh, you didn't listen did you?

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

I saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before the presidents' faces were carved into it

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, ...

Little Timmy asked his mom "What does baby making faces mean?"

The mom answered "Baby making faces mean that there is a person a few years younger than you making funny faces"


Little Timmy moved on and said "I don't understand this, dad's friend isn't a baby, but he said on the phone he loved her babymaking face"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

What's black and white and has two faces?

Micheal Jackson

What has 3 sides, 4 corners, and 4 faces?

A USB drive

A girl wants movie stars faces tattooed on her thighs

So she goes to a tattoo parlor and spends hours having Christain Bale’ face tattooed on her left inner thigh and Leonardo DiCaprio’s face tattooed on her right inner thigh.

When it’s finished, she is extremely disappointed with the results, saying neither face is an accurate depiction of who...

Manufacturing of the first coin to enter circulation carrying the image of King Charles is underway at the Royal Mint. As is tradition, Charles faces left on the new 50p

As when it comes to things involving her children, the Queen always looked the other way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love the look on the poor sods faces when I drive by them and they're pissed wet through and freezing cold at the bus stop

Partly why I took the job as a bus driver tbh

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is religion like a penis?

Its perfectly acceptable to have one, you can even be proud of it, but its not the best idea to go waving it around in other peoples faces

...and you especially shouldn't shove it down the throats of children

Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.