Why was the spreadsheet afraid of its chart?

Because it has multiple axes.

Top of the Billboard Chart, first week of March 2020

The Weeknd, "Can't Touch my Face"

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A doctor is doing his rounds...

A doctor is doing his rounds and he has to write something on a patient's chart. He picks up the chart, reaches behind his ear, pulls out a thermometer and says "Damnit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

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The german submarine in the Atlantic brings in a new communications guy.

It's his first day on the job and he's given instructions on which istrument does what and chart for morse code. Very excited about the job, he tunes in and is left to his own by his CO after a bit.

In a few hours, he receives his first message. "This is the Royal navy. Mayday Mayday, we are ...

A Polish man goes into the optometrist to get new glasses.

The optometrist holds up an eye chart and asks "What do you make of this?" The man responds, "I went to school with that guy."

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

A recent Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license

He first had to take an eye exam. The optician led him to an eye chart and pointed to a row with the letters-

‘C Z W I M T O S T A C Z’

“Can you read this?” The optician asked.

“Read it?!” The Polish man replied. “I even know the guy!”

Ranking all my previous relationships on a chart...

I have an 'ex' axis and a 'why' axis.

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

How can you chart all the lies your parrot tells?

A poly graph.

Why did the songwriter eat Turkish food before recording a song?

They had heard that posthumous songs do well in the charts.

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The Japanese flag is a pie chart...

...showing how many of them are afraid of Godzilla.

A Ukrainian guy goes to the eye doctor.

The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z.

The Optometrist asks, "Can you read this?"

"Read it?" the guy replies, "I know the guy!"

I checked my BMI chart the other day.

It would appear that I'm too short.

New doctor is being mentored by old doctor...

...as they make rounds visiting patients, new doctor reads the chart of one of the patients and turns really sad.

Old doc: "what's the matter?"

New doc: "Well, this young patient is about to have his leg amputated and I have no idea how to break these terrible news to him."

Old...

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A Trip To The Doctor

A man is sitting in an examination room when his Doctor walks in reading his chart.

"Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Says the Doctor.

"WHAT!?! WHY!?!" Exclaims the man.

The Doctor looks up and says "Because I'm trying to read this chart and you're dis...

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:

G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K

Doctor: Can you read the letters?

Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

At 14.6%, Nevada occupies the No.1 spot on the American Divorce Chart.

It's a bad state of affairs.

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

The Nurse Asked My Family's Medical History Today at the Doc's Office

Nurse: "Do you have siblings?"

Me: "Yes, a younger brother.

Nurse: "Does he have any medical issues?"

Me: "He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight."

Nurse: "Oh, okay. Anything else?"

Me: "He's battl...

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A man is in an hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth

‘Nurse’, he mumbles, ‘Are my test results back?’

The nurse is taken aback at this request but maintains a professional face and walks over to his chart.
She raises the file and rifles though the pages with one hand.
She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong here sir’.

...

My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium.

But most other people just find them O K.

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'
So Satan and Jesus...

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

How do you turn a duck into a chart topping soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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Doctor Joke

Doctor: What brings you here?

Patient: My car hahaha

Doctor: \*writing in chart\* not sexually active

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Did you hear the one about the nurse?

A nurse, needing to fill out a patients chart, reaches into her breast pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Shit! Some asshole stole my pen"

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

A ship is navigating along the Mediterranean coastline through some thick fog...

One of the crew members approaches the captain. "Sir I think we made a wrong turn and were heading downriver though Egypt."

"Egypt?" The captain ponders over his charts for a moment before shaking his head "No no, I think were definitely on course"

The crew member shrugs and returns to...

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The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

Lane Oliver is blowing up!

The song "Surrender to the fire" is #1 in the french charts

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A man goes to see the doctor and says," Doc, I have a rather embarrassing problem. You see, every time I look in the mirror I get an erection. Am I just too attractive? I'm really confused."

The doctor scratches his beard as he consults the chart, until he looks at the man over the rim of his glasses and says, "It's because you're a cunt."

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Hitler went to see a clairvoyant

In the mid-stages of the Second World War, Adolph Hitler felt that his plans were getting bogged down, so he went to see a clairvoyant.

"When will I rule the entire world?", he asked.

The clairvoyant consulted her crystal ball, looked at the tarot, double-checked his birthday and astro...

My girlfriend is like infinity.

Off the charts, but only a concept.

A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination

The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.

The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name

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A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.

In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the...

You guys hear of the Chernobyl X-Games?

The RAD levels were off the charts! Everyone was totally sick!

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

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FBI interview

The FBI was hiring and after many applicants, narrowed their choices down to 3 men. Each told to appear for a face to face interview and for them to bring their girlfriend/fiancé/wife.


The first man is a 25 year old, just married, still fresh from college. Him and his wife are sitting cl...

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I went to see my Urologist... [NSFW]

Who happens to be a gorgeous blond with great tits and a winning personality.

She comes into the room looking over my chart and begins to tell me that I need to stop masturbating.

I give her a puzzled look and ask her why.

She looks at me and says, I’m trying to examine you.

A man is totally convinced he is dead.

His wife and kids do everything to try and convince him that he’s not dead. They take him to a doctor and for months every day the doctor shows him charts, studies, graphs, and statistics showing that dead men do not bleed, and finally the man is completely certain that dead men do not bleed.
...

A man goes to the doctor for an annual checkup

When the doctor walks in he looks at the man’s chart and says “although it is awkward, I believe you are the right age for a prostate exam.”
The man sighs, bends over the table and drops his drawers.
“Now just to let you know this may cause an erection,” warns the doctor.
“I think I’ll be f...

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A man goes to the eye doctor....

The man says I think I'm getting nearsighted. So the doc sits him down and gives the man an eye exam.
The doctor pulls up a chart of letters, asking the man to read each line util he can't make out the letters. The man gets to about the 3rd line when he starts to have problems, and he can't read...

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A blonde rushes into a doctors office...

A blonde rushes into a doctors office, visibly upset.

"I must see the doctor!" She says to the receptionist.

So she's taken into an examination room and is told the doctor will be in shortly.

The doctor comes in and sees that the woman is very nervous. He's holding a chart. "Wh...

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So, I had a doctors appointment yesterday.

I was sitting in the exam room in the paper gown when in walks the most gorgeous doctor I've ever seen. She picked up my chart and looked over it for a few minutes. Finally, she looked up and said, "Mr. Cow, you're going to have to stop masturbating." I said, "Why?!" She said, "Because I'm trying t...

I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
...

I can't believe how many of Nickelback songs have never become famous

It's completely off the charts.

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One-upmanship

The scene is an era when cockpits had round dials and pilots needed flight engineers and navigators.

A crusty old captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is fo...

Mixed up nurse

A doctor walks into a ward in his hospital and sees one of his patients is half dead. He calls the nurse over and asks

"Nurse, did you give this man three spoonfuls of medicine every four hours, as prescribed?"

The nurse replies, "No, I gave him four spoonfuls of medicine every three h...

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A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to strip down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.

A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits d...

One day at the Psychiatric Ward...

A psychiatrist is evaluating three new mental patients. He turns to the first one and asks, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The mental patient thinks and thinks. He racks his brain. Finally, after several minutes, he answers, "128!"

The psychiatrist turns to the second mental patient and asks...

A man cant get something out of his eye...

So he goes to the doctor. He tells about his problem to the receptionist and she writes "Strange body lodged in eye", and tells him to wait. She takes the charts to the doctor and the man goes to sit somewhere else. A few minutes go by, and the doctor comes out. He reads the chart and screams:
...

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A man goes to the doctor

The receptionist asks him what he's there for, and the man whispers "my dick's orange."

The receptionist is a bit shocked, but tells him to go into examination room #1.

The doctor comes into the room shortly after, reads his chart, and says "Is this a joke?"

The man shakes his h...

The pains of being a biology student.

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a
specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from,
of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some
insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional sp...

A cabbie and a priest die at the same time

... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, "welcome to heaven good sir!" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa.

Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his c...

THYS

There was once a rising boy band that went by the name of *THYS*. As they began gaining popularity, they realized that they needed some help. Chris, the band's drummer, asked his girlfriend, an attractive girl named Sarah, and she agreed to be the band's manager.

All was well. With Sarah doin...

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I went to the doctor for physical...

He came in after reviewing the charts. And said "I have some good news, and some bad news."
I said "Give me the bad news first!"
He takes a deep breath and says "You have 3 months to live."
I hopefully and very shakily muttered out "But what about the good news?"
The Dr. replys "S...

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After months of deliberation a Surgeon decides to put his elderly father into an old age home.

after a week he goes for a visit. He reviews his fathers chart at the end of his bed and sees that among the medications he is taking Viagra is one. The Surgeon approaches his fathers nurse and asks if his dad has met someone.
The nurse says no, we give him Viagra so he doesn't roll out of bed.

I wrote a song about drawing maps,

but it never made the charts.

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hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD,

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, w...

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There was a janitor at a church...

Who was cleaning up one night while the priest gave confession,

The Priest was sick and had to leave, and asked the janitor to finish up the last few confessions,

The janitor reluctantly agreed.

He just listened to confessions and followed a chart with the punishments,

On...

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At The Eye Doctor's

A woman went to her optometrist for an exam. The doctor turned the exam chart on the wall and asked her to read it. she replied that she couldn’t see anything. He increased the size to 6″ and asked her to try again. Still nothing.

So he enlarged it again to a foot. Still cant see it. out of f...

Pronounced 'Dead' on arrival ... oops!

The soon to be new parents known as Mr. & Mrs. D. were so excited, as they were just about to give birth to their brand new daughter, whom they'd already decided to name Dea D..

Just a few minutes later, a healthy baby girl popped out but was unfortunately pronounced 'Dead' on arrival by...

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