UPJOKE
latepastnewrecentlypreviousepochquaternarylatestmodernnewlylastearlyseveralfewsome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

Recent combat maneuvers and successes have shown that Russia has the second strongest military

...in Ukraine

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I found out recently that I can read minds.

So far, only mine, but I am still new to this thing.

I went to a snooker store recently but walked straight out

you should have seen the queues

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

Recently found out I’m blind

Just didn’t see it coming

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

A friend of mine has recently started a hot air balloon business

He hasn't got it off the ground yet

A friend of mine, a performing arts student, was recently killed in an accident in Toronto…

He was putting himself through school by working as a birthday clown and he had to take the subway to get around. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. We have tried to get the t...

I have recently become known among friends and neighbors for being ruthless....



Stupid description for someone whose wife is named Ruth and who has filed for divorce.

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

Liquid recently professed her love to solid…

However he was too dense to reciprocate her feelings

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent finding by statisticians shows

the average human has one breast and one testicle.

I recently came across a big sum of money.

That´s the reason I got fired from the Bank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two recent college graduates walk into the mens room at the same time.

They proceed to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they finish one walks to the sink and washes his hands.
The other about to exit without washing his hands.
Sink guy- at Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom.
Other guy- at my college they taught us not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their ass quack

My dad recently told me he identified as a woman

I had no idea, but I'm glad he was transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young couple next to me have recently made a sex tape

I mean, obviously they don't know that yet.

I recently started sleeping naked...

That way people stop sitting next to me on the train.

I recently went to a comedy restaurant, and there was a chicken with a speech impediment on stage...

The food was great, but the yolks were terrible...

I recently lost my pet Elk

He was deer to me

I recently came home to my wife, slightly drunk, watching something on the TV. "No! Don't go in there! Don't be so stupid!" she was shouting...

Turns out she was watching our wedding video.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community.

Interestingly most of them were pansexual

A Chinese factory recently had massive layoffs, leaving hundreds angry...

...at having to go back to school.

For years I've stuck with coke but recently tried switching to pepsi.

But the bubbles really burn my nose.

I recently got hired as a USPS mailman.

I was really excited about it, but my dog wouldn’t talk to me for a week afterwards!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...

I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

I recently had a check up. They told me I had a cavity that really needed a filling.

So I’m looking for a new proctologist.

I'm ashamed to share my most recent math pun..

It's | garbage |

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

A recent police study found that..

you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've recently caught my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was born with a rare condition ,, I only had one bum cheek . Anyway i recently had an operation to correct the problem. I can't thank the surgeons enough.

They made a complete arse of it.

I was recently dumped by a girl that has a lisp.

I've just received a text from her saying: "Was thinking of you when I bought some highly alcoholic green liquid."

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

A blonde woman who recently died her hair brown stops by a sheep ranch...

She talks to the rancher and makes a deal with him. She tells him she'll guess exactly how many sheep he has in exchange to be able to take one home.

She guesses 692. Amazed, the rancher lets her select her prize. While she was putting her pick in her car the rancher says, "If I guess your re...

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been putting mouthwash in my ass, recently…

My girlfriend was concerned about my anal cavity

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

I recently bought a car on ebay that used to be owned by Bonnie Tyler.

It's terrible.

Every now and then it falls apart.

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was liste...

My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish

I have been feeling cannelloni

Nintendo recently found a truck that was stolen in 2015 and all the Wii games were still in the trailer.

They released them for sale at only $59.99.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

went to meet my girlfirend's grandma

Due to my girlfriend's insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.

Gf's Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.

Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?

Gf's Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
<...

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly…..

she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."...

I recently started dating someone and neither of us is a dom in the bedroom.

Our couple name is The Hunt for Red October

Recently I've started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It's a tough job but I enjoy it. It really has it's prose and cons.

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

A man recently bought himself a new Lada, but a couple of days later he's back at the dealership complaining about the performance.

The salesman who sold him the car asks him about the specifics.



"Come outside," said the man, "and I'll show you what I mean." So they go outside, and the man points to a hill just further down the road. "You see that hill there? Every time I go up there, I can't get past 40."

...

I recently came into a large sum of money.

The bank, however, refused to accept it!


Said I'd have to wash it off first.

A kind stranger recently taught me the meaning of Plethora ....

Thank you kind sir, It means a lot.

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

My buddy recently said he has "big duck energy"

I told him he needed to lay off the quack...

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

ISIS recently released their own brand of anti-dandruff shampoo

It's called Shoulders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Exciting news, I recently broke several new records.

The owner of the record store was kind of a jerk about it though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fox News recently interviewed Texas attorney general Ken Paxton....

Fox News recently interviewed Texas attorney general Ken Paxton and asked him if it was true that they were going to bring back sodomy laws. He answered: "No ifs, ands, or butts."

Gordon Freeman recently turned 45 and started buying loads of retro PC gaming equipment.

He was experiencing a Half Life crisis.

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent college graduate decided to turn to prostitution

Due to his huge student loans and low salary, so he placed a large sign that read:

One sexy time on the floor: 25$

One sexy time on the couch: 50$

One sexy time on the Bed: 100$

Then an old lady sees the sign and quickly runs to the bank makes a quick withdrawal and goes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study has shown that men are more likely to procrastinate than women

except when it comes to orgasming


-credit Norm Macdonald SNL 1997

Accordion to a recent study...

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been telling girls that recently I came into a lot of money

Jerking off onto an ATM doesn't have the same ring to it

I recently discovered there's a big difference between a numerator and a denominator.

I also discovered, only a fraction of people will understand this.

A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.

I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains.

“I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”

“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”

“No, I meant are you taking a...

An Egyptian prince bathes in a nearby river to avoid the reality of his father's recent death...

He's a Pharoah in deNile.

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

An angry shellfish recently hunted me down…

It had muscle memory

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently came into some money…

I had sex with my wallet!

A newspaper recently hired a new Italian capital correspondent

They were the Times' new Roman.

So I recently was walking with my young daughter through town…

Where I bumped into an old mate, Steve.

“You alright Steve, this is my daughter, Beth,” I said.

“Alright mate, what’s Beth short for?”

“Well, she is only 3,” I replied.

An elderly widower remarries after many years with his recently departed wife

On their wedding night, the old man and his much younger bride decide to consummate the new marrige.

Knowing that it might be an emotional time for her husband, she begins undressing him slowly.

As they're about to climb into bed to get down to business, she looks up at his face, and...

Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK.

After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".

A 'your mom' joke, from around year zero, ancient Rome:

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"


(I recently found ...

I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...

I could hardly close my suitcase.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having breakfast with my mother recently when I made a Freudian slip...

What I meant to say was, 'can you pass the butter please?' but what I actually said was 'YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa overdosed on viagra recently.

Grandma found it hard to swallow.

I’ve recently started to feel aroused after looking at myself in the mirror.

I feel guilty about it sometimes but my friends say not be so hard on myself.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt recently decided to turn her home into a bed-and-breakfast.

I guess she woke up one day and said, "Not enough strangers are fucking here."

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a party recently when I happened to notice my wristwatch was missing.

I looked for the watch for a bit asking people if they'd seen it, but didn't have any luck. It wasn't an expensive watch so I wasn't too worried about it and eventually gave up.

Then, later in the evening, I saw a couple that I didn't recognize from across the room who appeared to be having ...

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

I recently returned from Dubai, where I was given forty camels for my wife.

I generally smoke Marlboro, but hey... that seems like a bargain to me.

Vladimir Putin Visits a School One Day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says:

“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”

Putin: “go ahead”

Sasha: “...

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

In light of recent political tensions, please refrain from wishing Putin falls into a vat of concrete.

That would set a very dangerous president.

Two cannibals are discussing life…

One asks the other who was recently married, “Hey, how’s the married life treating you?”. The other cannibal says, “Not too bad, but my wife doesn’t know how to cook!”. The other cannibal says, “I just got a new cookbook. I’ll loan it to you. Give it a try!”.

A few weeks pass, and the first...

I recently read a book called 100 Things to Do Before You Die.

I was really surprised that yelling for help was not one of them.

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently got headphones to help me drown out the voices of other people.

It helps me concentrate when I'm trying to masturbate.

I mean, it's just so noisy on the bus.

People yell at me all the time, with stuff like "You have to be more responsible, you're the bus driver!"

Like c'mon Karen, really? You just sit at home all day, while I get your kids o...

1000 men were recently surveyed about women..

10% of men liked women with thin legs.

19% liked muscular legs.

The rest liked something in between.

(Stolen from my band teacher) I broke up with my console recently,

It’s now my ex-box. It wasn’t anything personal I just wanted a switch.

A recently divorced woman comes across a genie in a lamp

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie. "I am the genie of this lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the most will ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son recently started playing football

But I have been caught up with work to make it to his games.
So i ask him “son what position do you play” he says dad i play “back”

So i figured he was talking about running back or full back because he has always been fast.

Then he says “dad i play ass back, every time i ask coa...

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife recently asked me "what's it like to have a penis?"

"It's hard sometimes.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

In search of: Married woman, recently cheated on, mad, scorned -

Willing to sell her husband's fishing gear

An older man never had a smart phone, until recently....

He was chatting casually with my brother-in-law (they are neighbors) to say he was done with smart phones.

The older man was **irate** as AT&T was charging him extra fees because he was old!

My brother-in-law was astounded. He asked the older man what on earth he means by that. I...

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grief counsellor died recently...

...but he was so good I didn't give a shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C.

That wasn’t cool.

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

Bee on the Alert!!! 60,000 Giant bees were recently stolen from a farm in Pennslyvania.

Police have a huge sting operation on their hands.

I haven't heard anything from Lara Croft recently.

She's really gone off the raider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

My friend William recently broke his legs and is now in a wheelchair

We call him Wheeliam now

I just recently had to switch my gambling habit to off-track betting

I kept getting trampled by the horses

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.