At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox

But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

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I recently became a therapist and had a new girl come in today

I could tell she thought I was judgemental the minute I looked at her

The band U2 recently developed a GPS...

It's terrible! The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said, "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

Donald Trumps recent actions are unprecedented...

For somebody who's just been un-presidented.

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

I bought my wife a pug recently

Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, “the muppet from Sesame Street.”

They told me, “He doesn’t count!”

I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

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NSFW. During a recent run of bad luck, I saw a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs, and thought..

it’s just one fucking thing after another.

Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday.

Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.

Her: "What's that!"

Me: "I can explain...it's not what it looks like!"

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Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

‘But why?’ they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer”

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

I recently bought a boat for a friend.

I was pier pressured.

I’ve been experimenting recently with nighttime hunting

But I’m used to hunting in the daytime so this is just a shot in the dark

Recently became a dad and now these are popping in my head: What is it called when you are made fun of in a dream?

Sleep Deprecation

I have seen a lot of fat jokes recently, and I honestly think we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is.

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?

Because jokes are all about execution.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

Researchers at the MIT recently found out...

...

After a few minutes, they went back inside.

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Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

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A woman recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with ...

I recently took my grandma to a fish spa...

It was easier than burying her or getting her cremated.

The legendary Diego Maradona has recently passed away:(

Do you think this was the hand of god?

A close friend recently died, and at the funeral I asked if I could say a word

The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".

Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.

I recently found out my GPS can point out potential wildlife threats

It always tells me "bear left"

I recently had a chat with a Spanish girl whose name is apparently "senorita 2"

Unfortunately she wasn't able to recognize any of the words I was saying. That's probably the only time I'll speak with "MS-DOS".

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

I've recently updated my will

It's now a Bill

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

I saw anti-maskers in Wallmart recently and I laughed at them

But I remembered my parents told me not to make fun of mentally disabled people

I recently learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.

Now everyone's talking about it.

I recently started an all vegetarian diet

The hardest part is catching them.

I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent forest fires.

Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them.

Have you heard about the recent media restrictions they’ve been having in the Middle East?

They’re calling it the Teli-Ban

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

My friend John was recently disemvoweled...

He is now known as Jhn.

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

My buddy just recently got a transplant...

He says it’s a fern but it identifies as a ficus.

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

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An Israeli, a German, a Russian and an Australian doctor were comparing recent surgeries they had performed...

The Israeli doctor says; “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a mans testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work”.

The German doctor says;” That’s nothing, in Germany we take a part of the brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking...

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.

Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

How does Mario communicate with his recently deceased sibling?

Luigi Board.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

I had a job canning drinks at a factory but have recently quit

It was soda pressing

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

What did a husband say to his veteran wife that recently gave birth?

Thank you for your cervix

My husband's most recent musing:

Is an ignorant duck a "Je ne sais quack?"

Did you hear about another recently discovered symptom of COVID-19?

Elect-ile dysfunction.

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

I had a chance to buy an ant that had been on a recent trip to the ISS...

But it was too exorbitant for an ex-orbit ant.

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I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

I recently took a poll and found out

100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed

Did you all hear about the recent standoff between the proud boys and police at a local campground?

The fighting was in tents.

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m rea...

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.

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I had been feeling suicidal from some recent traumatic experiences.

I decided to seek help from a mental health professional. After some counselling, I was not recuperating, and on account of my worsening instability, they implored for me to stay at an in patient psychiatric ward facility.

During my stay, the doctors and psychiatrists informed that they were...

My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her...

She's always critter sizing.

I went to a comedy class recently to work on my stand-up

I’ve been going there for about a month now and the people are great and I’ve been having a good time, but recently I’ve been kicked out.

You see in this comedy club they have a drink and snacks table, I wasn’t that hungry but I was thirsty so I go to the punch but there was a long line.
...

I recently came across Shakespeare's chewed pencil...

It's so chewed, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

My grief counselor died recently

Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care

I went to the doctor’s recently. He told me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor: No fatty. Don’t eat anything.

My obese parrot died recently.

It's been really sad, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

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A line of four recently-deceased souls lines up at the gates of Heaven, awaiting their judgement...

St. Peter addressed the first man in line. “While you were alive all you cared about was getting drunk. You loved alcohol so much that you married a woman named Brandy.” St. Peter promptly turned the man away.
To the second man St. Peter said, “While you were alive the only thing you truly cared...

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I recently got my ass kicked at a Mexican restaurant.

I don’t recommend ordering the machos.

I recently pursued my dream career of becoming a very successful plagiarizer.

I tried, but I didn't make it.

2 people I went to high school with recently got engaged...

...so statistically speaking one of those is gonna end in divorce

Lost 160 lbs recently...

Finally signed the divorce papers

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With all the recent name controversies, Tampa Bay Buccaneers will be renamed the Tampa Bay Tampons.

They are not the best team, but they are up there.

I recently got married. It was a love marriage

My parents really loved her parents

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The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.

They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

Most of the jokes I've heard recently aren't very good

But they're running for office anyway.

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I recently got a new tattoo on my ass cheeks

It’s a squirrel reaching under to grab my nuts

I’ve recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

Recently my friend passed away, and we saved his brain onto a massive computer

Rest in PC

Did you hear about the girl who recently decided to eat vegan?

Of course you did.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

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Two recently married men go to a drink. One of them tells he has a problem, that his new wife is too dominant in bed.

The second man tells: You are very lucky, every man would want to be in your position.

First man: You do not understand I can barely sleep 2 hours each night.

Second man: I do not see any problem with that, you are a very fortunate man.

First man: No, you still do not understan...

My 70 year old father recently enrolled in college

His first year and he's already a senior.

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

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A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problem with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about consuming a mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

A blonde was called into court recently

She was so dumb, she asked a Jehovah's Witness what they saw.

(If this is offensive to anyone, I'll delete it.)

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine,

It was about a weak back.

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I've recently taken up tap dancing.

Unfortunately I keep falling into the bath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my family recently went to a zoo

It had bad ratings on websites. When we went there it was completely empty except one small dog

It was a shit zoo

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer

It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed ...

A friend recently told me that he can't go to sleep without at least 4 or 5 whiskey drinks and that he's afraid he may have a drinking problem.

I told him he should try to get a handle on it.

I recently lost 70 lbs.

Don't worry though, I found it at McDonald's.

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

I recently got fired at my job at the calendar factory

It's because I took a day off

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

Scientists recently discovered that there is no such thing as gravity

The Earth just sucks

The man who invented USB died recently.

At the funeral they lowered his coffin down, brought it back up, turned it over and lowered it again

I've recently started to learn about the history of chess boards

Seems they have quite the checkered past.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

A tennis factory was recently established near my house.

They’re making quite the racket

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard who recently turned gay?

Send me a dickpic and I'll tell you

[NSFW] A monastery recently installed some new statues

And they looked great.

The head monk of the monastery decided to take a bath. But once he had undressed and ran the water, he realized that he was out of soap.

Thinking that the extra toiletries were just on the opposite side of the hall, he decided to just pop out and go grab the soap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent scam has popped up involving a prostitute, a bit of cocaine and a kitchen appliance

People have been falling for it, hooker, line and sink.

I thought it would be difficult to talk to my doctor about my recent problems with impotence.

But It wasn't really that hard.

Been having trouble with my eyes recently, so I went to the doctors yesterday. Unfortunately, he told me I lost 20% of my sight...

Sigh...

A recent study has shown that Marijuana smoking can cause hypersalivation in some people.

When asked what could be done about it, a doctor was quoted as saying “You can either spit, or get off the pot.”

I recently bought a gun

It can only shoot NaCl bullets because it's a salt rifle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently came out as pansexual...

But I'm only attracted to cast iron.

I tried dating teflon, but it just wouldn't stick.

I guess it's true what they say: "Once you go black, you never go back."

I saw a magic show recently with a Spanish magician...

His next trick was a disappearing act. He said “uno, dos” and disappeared without a tres.

I came into some money recently,

I really must buy some more toilet paper.

A short psychic recently escaped from prison.

There is now a small medium at large.

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

What do you call recently married spiders?

Newly Webs

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