How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

If I was a shape I would be a Hexahectahexaheptahexagon.

I'm super edgy, my plane of existence is pointless, and that's how I roll.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

Did you hear about the mathematician who miscalculated the shape of the Earth?

He made a rounding error

What body shape do you wanna be when you die?

Ripped.

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Why are nipple pasties often in the shape of stars?

To make the milky way.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

My New Year’s resolution was to get in shape.

I chose round.

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

It's so sad I just realized Earth isn't a triangle shape!!

Well I guess there isn't any point in life anymore

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.

Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.

"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "

She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm think...

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My friend jokingly said if a clown had to have sex with any shape, which one- I immediately said circle because

Of how they like to fuck around

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

Which birds fly in a F shape?

Geese with dyslexia

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

What's the most useless shape?

A circle. It's pointless.

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.

Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.

But anyway that's the story of my first extra...

I found a green vegetable in the shape of a clock. But I won't eat it.

Not for the time bean

The Shape of Water?

More like Grinding Nemo, amirite?

I saw the bartender pull a beer from a lever in the shape of a helix.

I asked him what beer that was and he said, "This is Spiral Tap."

A thought about Del Toro’s “The Shape of Water”

“The Shape of Water” is a story about a woman who falls in love with an otherworldly creature that learns how to communicate, has a funny scene where he interacts with a domestic setting and has magical healing hands. He is also returned to his natural environment, almost dying on the way by a pluck...

Six months ago, my wife asked me to get in shape.

Since then, I have been eating everything in sight. Today I am proud to say that I am a circle!

You know this country is in bad shape

When the Statue of Liberty has to work part time as a sign spinner.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What's the ugliest shape?

An eyesoresceles triangle.

What's Hugh Heffner's favorite shape?

A Rectangle

You know how geese always fly in a V shape, and one side of the V is always longer than the other? Ever wonder why that is?

It's because there's more geese on that side.

Why were the geometry students so bad at sports?

Because they were really out of shape.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

What shape is Pac Man?

An om-nom-nom-ogon

Did you hear about the convention for irregular and non-quadrilateral shapes?

Be there or be sqaure

I want to tie a rope into the shape of the letter Y.

Why you ask?

Y knot.

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hot widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his ...

To get in shape, I need to pick up a sport as a hobby...

I was thinking about competitive eating.

[body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old...

Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?

What do you call a six sided shape that's missing?

A hex-a-gone

What's a 3d shape's favourite country?

Cuba

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a shape-shifter who masturbates on online chat boards

I come in different forums

I take pride in the fact that in this day and age, I manage to keep myself in shape...

... Round is a shape, isn't it?

What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?

Geometrick.

I don't understand how a priest can be out of shape...

They're always exorcising.

- My girlfriend told me some guy started singing he was in love with her shape.

+ What did she do?
- Sheeran away.

I'm so out of shape

Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me

An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape...

I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

What shape gets rid of curses?

A hexagon

My grandmother finds it important to stay in shape, so she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year.

He's doing confidence intervals.

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A man is asked to build a fence.

One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house.
He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days".
The man re...

How do hair stylists get in shape?

Curling Iron.

What's gray, disappointing, and in the shape of an oval?

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

...In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask fo...

Where does the 3D shape go when it murders someone?

Prism

So summer is coming up and i think I'm in good enough shape to pull off a two piece.

The hardest part is just chasing her down.

If you burn a cookie in the shape of a Star Wars character...

...is it crunchy or Chewie?

An 80-year-old Irishman goes to the doctor for a check-up...

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says Don, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Irish whi...

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