UPJOKE
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My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

How did Jesus stay in shape?

Cross fit

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Why do Japanese people keep in shape?

Because the last time there was a fat man a city disappeared.

How does the Mona Lisa stay in shape.

Paint thinner.

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

I love my life. Everybody around me is so happy. I am happy with myself and proud of my accomplishments. I would never think to harm myself in any way shape or form. And my heart is filled with nothing but positivity to myself and everyone around me.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!

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When you say poop your mouth makes the same shape as your butt when you poop

The same is true with explosive diarrhea

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

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Word

During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men ...

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

My wife told me if I’m going to stay home, then start doing “lunges” to get back in shape.

This would be a big step forward.

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

Guy in a Lamborghini

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks fast."

Guy says "It sure is."

Old man looks at the interior and says "Looks luxurious...

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I'm trying to buy one of those triangle-shaped cabins, but my credit isn't good enough to get a loan.

I'll have to get someone to cosine.

I lost my house key shaped like a bottle opener.

Now I worry about someone breaking in and opening all my beers

Fellas, if your girl has some form of Polyethylene terephthalate in the shape of an equiangular quadrilateral with the hex code of ff0000

get out fast, that’s a red flag.


Credit to u/wcollins260

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

Every shape is basically a circle

It's just that they are all edgy.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

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Daveey

### Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and f...

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How come Italy is shaped like a boot?

Can’t fit that much shit in a shoe.

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A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

How do chess players stay in shape?

They lift rooks.

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

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motivation

Anal sex keeps my wife in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

What would you call a show if it was Bridgerton but everyone was out of shape?

Downton Flabby

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Man walks in to a bar with a nose shaped like a cock.

Barman says "Why the Schlong face"

I found an animal cracker shaped like Jesus...

...it was a snackrificial lamb.

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

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To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

My friend told me to get in shape

I mean isn’t round a shape ?

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

Got my friend a cake in the shape of pac man...

At least that’s what I told him when he saw what it looked like

Why was the Catholic priest in such good shape?

He exorcised.

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

The silver gravy ladle

The Gravy Ladle

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeep...

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle.

But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers.

He was fired for trying to take a byte.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

My wife and I were laying in bed watching a contortionist perform on a talent show.

As the lady went through her routine, I suggested to my wife that she should try becoming a contortionist. Without hesitation, she shouted "NO!"

I asked her to reconsider, suggesting ideas as they entered my creative mind. She immediately began yelling at me, calling me a pig, a dog, and even...

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35.

His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

One day in heaven

\[Pre: I'm not a native English speaker and the joke is actually from germany. Hope he survives translation\]

One day Peter walks through the heavens and passes by the pearly gates when he hears someone knocking. He opens the gate and a guy stands outside with some heavy bruises, torn clothes...

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

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What do you call a penis shaped boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A fucking stick.

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

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Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician

Have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible..

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
...

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

What be a pirate's favorite shape?

An arc.

I really don't understand how Karen’s aren’t in better shape...

They’re always stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions

What does Bigfoot do to keep his glutes in shape?

Sasquats

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.

I said I would triangle back to that question later on.

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

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Fun Fact:

When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same shape as your butthole.



Bonus Fact: the same is true for "Explosive Diarrhoea"

I shape my political ideology around an old socialist Jew.

Jesus Christ

Yo mamma so fat

Ed Sheeran had a stroke trying to sing the shape of her

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,

but had to take them back as the seal was broken...

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

A guy in my class just claimed that a ring-shaped coral reef is also an island.

But it's not an island, atoll.

A Kerr black hole is one with a ring-shaped singularity in it, but the name also sounds a lot like the word "cur".

I'm sure there is a joke in there somewhere, I just can't make it out.

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

I bought a cow shaped lamp for the bedroom, my wife asked me what for?

I said its for mood lighting.

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

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I know why women want to be shaped like an hour glass.

Because all they do is waste my time

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

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My penis is in pretty good shape......

....considering all the beatings it has taken.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

To get in shape I had a bike made out of taffy but I never rode it

It was a viscous cycle

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

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What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

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