My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

My friend told me to get in shape

I mean isn’t round a shape ?

A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers.

He was fired for trying to take a byte.

Why is Italy shaped like a backslash and not the letter I?

Because it is in "italics".

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle.

But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.

Got my friend a cake in the shape of pac man...

At least that’s what I told him when he saw what it looked like

During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.

I said I would triangle back to that question later on.

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's...

Fanta-Stick

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

Why was the Catholic priest in such good shape?

He exorcised.

a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?

the dark knight rises.

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

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What do you call a horny shape?

An erectangle.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

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Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

How did Jesus stay in shape?

CrossFit.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

I shape my political ideology around an old socialist Jew.

Jesus Christ

What do you call someone who doesn't know there shapes

A flat earther

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

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I told my wife that I was going to stop running around my local roads and join a gym instead.

“Why?” she asked. “You’re in much better shape than you were before, and it hasn’t cost a cent!”

“Yes” I replied, “But I’m tired of having to outrun that fucking coyote.”

I bought a cow shaped lamp for the bedroom, my wife asked me what for?

I said its for mood lighting.

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What do you call a penis shaped boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A fucking stick.

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,

but had to take them back as the seal was broken...

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Why is Italy in the shape of a boot?

Because you couldn't squeeze all that shit into a tennis shoe.

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I know why women want to be shaped like an hour glass.

Because all they do is waste my time

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi argue about who's the greater spiritual leader.

They agree to test their abilities by attempting the impossible: who can convert a bear to their religion.

Two weeks pass, the monk and the rabbi get a call from the priest to show up at the local church. They show up, and see the bear sitting in the front pew, singing psalms to the Lord.
...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

I really don't understand how Karen’s aren’t in better shape...

They’re always stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

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I poured a can of root beer into a square shaped whiskey glass.

I now have a glass of beer.

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A guy goes to the doctor because he’s been having trouble with his sex life.

The doctor gives him an examination and says: “Look, you’re just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you’ll start to feel better.”

A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says “Gee thanks for the advice doc, I’ve been running ten miles a day and I feel great!”
...

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

What does Bigfoot do to keep his glutes in shape?

Sasquats

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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My penis is in pretty good shape......

....considering all the beatings it has taken.

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Found a stone shaped like a guitar pick at the beach yesterday...

It's for rock music

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

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What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

A gorgeous shapely girl was lying on the hospital bed..

A gorgeous shapely girl was lying naked in a hospital bed with just a sheet half-covering her. Suddenly a young man came in, pulled back the sheet and examined her closely. “What’s the verdict?” she asked.

He replied, “You’ll have to ask the doctor, love. ..I’m just here to clean the room...”

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

To get in shape I had a bike made out of taffy but I never rode it

It was a viscous cycle

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

Why was the dog shaped like a baguette?

Because it was bread that way.

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

Three imams were walking down a road..

One day, three imams (Muslim clergy) were walking down a road, when they saw a very attractive woman wearing a short dress that showed off her shapely legs and cleavage.

The first imam immediately averted his eyes and said, "Astagfirullah!", meaning "Allah forgive me".

The second imam ...

Skull shaped ice cubes are pretty cool

Well, for a few minutes at least.

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

Little Timmy is playing with a shape sorter.

After multiple attempts, Timmy starts getting frustrated while trying to fit a square block into an oval hole.

Timmy's father watches the sheer persistence of his son with a sort of wonder until Timmy screams,

"HOW DOES THIS A SQUARE FIT IN AN OVAL?!?"

Timmy's father, wishing to...

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

I dated a shape-shifter once.

I thought I could keep him from changing. I was wrong.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

Respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. ...

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NASA builds a rocket that’s shaped like a penis

One of the workers comes up to the head engineer and asks,

“Will it fly?”

“I’m not sure, but it’ll definitely get up.”

What's a funny geneticist's favorite shape?

A pun-nett square

I only cut my waffles into Messerschmitt-shapes

They are luftwaffles

I bought a rowing machine even after my wife said I'd never use it.

The joke's on her. I'm in great shape now, and all I do is row, row, row and gloat.

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

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School pride

A woman goes to her doctor complaining of an odd rash on her chest in the shape of a "Y". Upon some further inquiry, the doctor discovers that the woman's husband went to Yale and likes to leave his school sweater on during sex and concludes that the fiction of the sweater is causing the reaction. T...

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

Circle

why did the shapes kicked circle out of their discord server?

Because circle was all edge, no point

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

I made my girlfriend listen to shape of you

She didn't like it so sheeran away

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

What body shape do you wanna be when you die?

Ripped.

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

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