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Shape Jokes

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

How did Jesus stay in shape?

Crossfit

I'm so dumb and out of shape

My resting heart rate is higher than my IQ

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

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what do you call a boat carrying penis shaped potatoes?

A dictatorship

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

I started watching exercise videos to get in shape.

So far I've watched several dozen videos, but haven't lost any weight. I'd quit watching them, but I've lost the remote and I'd have to get off the couch to turn off the TV.

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

What did the impossible non-Euclidean wife shape say to her impossible non-Euclidean husband shape?

"This relationship is very one-sided."

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I don't know how to tell my friend his cock-shaped clock is tacky.

But when the time comes, I'll be ready.

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When you say poop your mouth makes the same shape as your butt when you poop

The same is true with explosive diarrhea

My dad got me a PacMan shaped cake for my birthday.

At least, that’s his explanation for the shape.

I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man

At least that's what I told him when he saw it.

How do chess players stay in shape?

They lift rooks.

My friend told me to get in shape

I mean isn’t round a shape ?

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

How do ghosts keep in shape?

They exorcise regularly.

On the first test drive of my guitar-shaped car, I had a crash.

A real Fender bender.

How did Shape of Water (the fish movie) end?

Fin

Every shape is basically a circle

It's just that they are all edgy.

A very very bad joke, but original: What do you call the shape of a mushroom?

an irregular mycosohedron

Some shapes got involved in an accident.

The circle got up and looked round, the triangle suffered acute injuries and the square was alright.

How does the Mona Lisa stay in shape.

Paint thinner.

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

Why was the Catholic priest in such good shape?

He exorcised.

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I love women in all different shape and sizes. Kinda like my last girlfriend.

She had a ballpark figure.

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

I bought a new boat and it's the best, except it's shaped like a centaur.

Great horsemanship.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

What's the most useless shape?

A circle. It's pointless.

I lost my house key shaped like a bottle opener.

Now I worry about someone breaking in and opening all my beers

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

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How come Italy is shaped like a boot?

Can’t fit that much shit in a shoe.

What be a pirate's favorite shape?

An arc.

I found an animal cracker shaped like Jesus...

...it was a snackrificial lamb.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

What does Bigfoot do to keep his glutes in shape?

Sasquats

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

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My penis is in pretty good shape......

....considering all the beatings it has taken.

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

I dated a shape-shifter once.

I thought I could keep him from changing. I was wrong.

What's a funny geneticist's favorite shape?

A pun-nett square

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What do you call a penis shaped boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A fucking stick.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

What do you call someone who doesn't know there shapes

A flat earther

What would you call a show if it was Bridgerton but everyone was out of shape?

Downton Flabby

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

I shape my political ideology around an old socialist Jew.

Jesus Christ

I'm so out of shape

Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me

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"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

The Shape of Water?

More like Grinding Nemo, amirite?

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

What's the ugliest shape?

An eyesoresceles triangle.

Little Timmy is playing with a shape sorter.

After multiple attempts, Timmy starts getting frustrated while trying to fit a square block into an oval hole.

Timmy's father watches the sheer persistence of his son with a sort of wonder until Timmy screams,

"HOW DOES THIS A SQUARE FIT IN AN OVAL?!?"

Timmy's father, wishing to...

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Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

I really don't understand how Karen’s aren’t in better shape...

They’re always stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions

I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle.

But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.

There's absolutely no point to it.

What shape is Pac Man?

An om-nom-nom-ogon

When I put up my artificial Christmas tree every year I hate bending all the branches back in to shape. This year I advertised on Craigslist for a "fluffer."

Boy, did I get a lot of weird responses.

I made my girlfriend listen to shape of you

She didn't like it so sheeran away

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

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What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

I got so out of shape during lockdown. I think I should start exercising by doing lunges.

That would be a big step forward.

I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

Why was the dog shaped like a baguette?

Because it was bread that way.

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

Which birds fly in a F shape?

Geese with dyslexia

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

Fellas, if your girl has some form of Polyethylene terephthalate in the shape of an equiangular quadrilateral with the hex code of ff0000

get out fast, that’s a red flag.


Credit to u/wcollins260

I'm trying to buy one of those triangle-shaped cabins, but my credit isn't good enough to get a loan.

I'll have to get someone to cosine.

A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers.

He was fired for trying to take a byte.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

I only cut my waffles into Messerschmitt-shapes

They are luftwaffles

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

If I was a shape I would be a Hexahectahexaheptahexagon.

I'm super edgy, my plane of existence is pointless, and that's how I roll.

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.

I said I would triangle back to that question later on.

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

How do hair stylists get in shape?

Curling Iron.

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

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I know why women want to be shaped like an hour glass.

Because all they do is waste my time

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