I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

What's a funny geneticist's favorite shape?

A pun-nett square

How did Jesus stay in shape?

Pontious Pilates

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

I only cut my waffles into Messerschmitt-shapes

They are luftwaffles

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NASA builds a rocket that’s shaped like a penis

One of the workers comes up to the head engineer and asks,

“Will it fly?”

“I’m not sure, but it’ll definitely get up.”

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

What is a snow shaped batman made of?

Just-ice

I made my girlfriend listen to shape of you

She didn't like it so sheeran away

My friend drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreathe in the shape of a life belt

It’s what he would have wanted.

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

I drew a ship using just geometric shapes. It took a while.

I wanted everything to be ship-shape

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

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TIL that wombats poo is shaped like a cube instead of spherical.

I almost shit a brick.

If I was a shape I would be a Hexahectahexaheptahexagon.

I'm super edgy, my plane of existence is pointless, and that's how I roll.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

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What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis

Dildon’t!

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

What body shape do you wanna be when you die?

Ripped.

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A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion

A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him.
She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?"
He replies saying,"1945"
The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time"
The marine goes with her and they have amazing s...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

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A rich woman and a bank director.

So a woman walks into the bank looking to deposit her money, 2 000 000 dollars. The agent in the bank says he can't help her because it's too much money, so she needs to talk to the bank director, and she does.

Entering his office, he can't help it but to ask where the money is from. And he g...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

Why are nipple pasties often in the shape of stars?

To make the milky way.

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

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Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition

It was pure-bread.

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, ...

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

Did you hear about the mathematician who miscalculated the shape of the Earth?

He made a rounding error

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

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Want to meet elderly married woman

Yes, that's right. Age 50 to 75, and inseparable from her cherished
husband. Someone who treasures intimacy, is energetic, open-minded,
spontaneous, bright, human. Who feels no shame or inhibition around
sexuality, is creative and responsive. Who gives her man tenderness,
stimulation...

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

My New Year’s resolution was to get in shape.

I chose round.

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

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A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.

Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.

"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "

She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm think...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

The heart shaped wreath at the funeral of a a cardiologist

makes one wonder for the funeral of a gynaecologist.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...

I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a doctor I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth ...

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The bread I made came out the oven shaped like a voluptuous womans butt!

I tried not to let it turn me on, but dat ass dough!

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My friend jokingly said if a clown had to have sex with any shape, which one- I immediately said circle because

Of how they like to fuck around

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

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A guy with a dick-shaped nose walks into a bar

“Why the schlong face?” Asks the bartender.

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

I got some people shaped cookies for Christmas.

I didn't want to assume their ginger...

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.

Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.

But anyway that's the story of my first extra...

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

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What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she sh...

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

A well renown heart surgeon has passed away.

All of his familiy members, colleagues and former students attend at his funeral service. Near the end of the ceremony, his well decorated coffin is being lowered into a heart shaped patch of red flowers, which opens up just before the coffin is being lowered. During that process, a man amongst the ...

Which birds fly in a F shape?

Geese with dyslexia

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A little old lady walked into the National Bank & Trust... LONG

She walked up to the secretary of the president of the bank and asked to see him. The secretary told the bank president that there was a woman here to see him and he said to send her in.

Bank president says, "Well hello there madam, how may I help you today, do you need help with your acco...

I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

One tough workout

An older lady decided it was time to get her body in shape once and for all.

She joined an aerobics class for seniors, and spent a whole hour jumping, twisting, gyrating, and sweating.

Unfortunately, by the time she had gotten her leotard on straight, the class was over.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

The Shape of Water?

More like Grinding Nemo, amirite?

In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.

Each penne saved was a penne earned.

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

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