I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man

At least that's what I told him when he saw it.

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What is Hitler's favourite shape?

The Reichtangle.

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

What does Bigfoot do to keep his glutes in shape?

Sasquats

What do you call a phallic-shaped spud?

A dictator.

(I randomly made this up today and found it too funny to not share.)

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Why was the dog shaped like a baguette?

Because it was bread that way.

How did Jesus Christ stay in shape?

He cross-trained.

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

There was a man in Sao Paulo who's intestines were shaped like a number 1 from a rare genetic mutation.

Doctors say the chances of this are 1 in a Brazilian!

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

What's a funny geneticist's favorite shape?

A pun-nett square

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

I only cut my waffles into Messerschmitt-shapes

They are luftwaffles

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NASA builds a rocket that’s shaped like a penis

One of the workers comes up to the head engineer and asks,

“Will it fly?”

“I’m not sure, but it’ll definitely get up.”

My friend drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreathe in the shape of a life belt

It’s what he would have wanted.

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?
His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good sha...

What is a snow shaped batman made of?

Just-ice

I made my girlfriend listen to shape of you

She didn't like it so sheeran away

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

I drew a ship using just geometric shapes. It took a while.

I wanted everything to be ship-shape

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

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What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis

Dildon’t!

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

What body shape do you wanna be when you die?

Ripped.

An Elderly Man In Louisiana

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the po...

I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

If I was a shape I would be a Hexahectahexaheptahexagon.

I'm super edgy, my plane of existence is pointless, and that's how I roll.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

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TIL that wombats poo is shaped like a cube instead of spherical.

I almost shit a brick.

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition

It was pure-bread.

Why are nipple pasties often in the shape of stars?

To make the milky way.

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Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

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I had to go to the doctor's the other day, for a full examination.

While I was naked, he remarked how much my genitalia resembled a saxophone. I told him it was a family trait, we all had private parts that looked like musical instruments.


"Most remarkable" he mused, " I can't remember seeing anything like it in 30 years, apart from that one lady who's...

A guy goes to a barbershop

The barber claims to have a new machine that can cut everyone’s hair equally well.

“But that’s ridiculous!” Says the customer, “not everyone has the same size and shaped head!”

The barber responds, “They do afterward”

What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

Did you hear about the mathematician who miscalculated the shape of the Earth?

He made a rounding error

What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion

A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him.
She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?"
He replies saying,"1945"
The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time"
The marine goes with her and they have amazing s...

Since we’ve all started washing our hands...

...next week we will begin shapes and colors.

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

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A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, ...

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

It's so sad I just realized Earth isn't a triangle shape!!

Well I guess there isn't any point in life anymore

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

I started a new business.....

I started a new business making landmines in the shape of prayer mats.

Prophets are going thru the roof

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A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

My New Year’s resolution was to get in shape.

I chose round.

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

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The bread I made came out the oven shaped like a voluptuous womans butt!

I tried not to let it turn me on, but dat ass dough!

Why does a dominatrix make the best mod?

Because they can whip any sub into shape.

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A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.

Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.

"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "

She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm think...

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A rich woman and a bank director.

So a woman walks into the bank looking to deposit her money, 2 000 000 dollars. The agent in the bank says he can't help her because it's too much money, so she needs to talk to the bank director, and she does.

Entering his office, he can't help it but to ask where the money is from. And he g...

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

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My friend jokingly said if a clown had to have sex with any shape, which one- I immediately said circle because

Of how they like to fuck around

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A father whale and his son are swimming

when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."


At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin ...

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

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I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...

I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a doctor I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth ...

The heart shaped wreath at the funeral of a a cardiologist

makes one wonder for the funeral of a gynaecologist.

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

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Know what they call those specialty cake pans in the shape of penises?

Peter Pans

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

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A guy with a dick-shaped nose walks into a bar

“Why the schlong face?” Asks the bartender.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.

Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.

But anyway that's the story of my first extra...

I got some people shaped cookies for Christmas.

I didn't want to assume their ginger...

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, ...

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