The 119+ Best Shape Jokes

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

How did Jesus stay in shape?

Crossfit

I'm so dumb and out of shape

My resting heart rate is higher than my IQ

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

How do ghosts keep in shape?

They exorcise regularly.

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

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I don't know how to tell my friend his cock-shaped clock is tacky.

But when the time comes, I'll be ready.

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When you say poop your mouth makes the same shape as your butt when you poop

The same is true with explosive diarrhea

A very very bad joke, but original: What do you call the shape of a mushroom?

an irregular mycosohedron

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.

(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

On the first test drive of my guitar-shaped car, I had a crash.

A real Fender bender.

When I put up my artificial Christmas tree every year I hate bending all the branches back in to shape. This year I advertised on Craigslist for a "fluffer."

Boy, did I get a lot of weird responses.

How did Shape of Water (the fish movie) end?

Fin

"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward."

My dad got me a PacMan shaped cake for my birthday.

At least, that’s his explanation for the shape.

What did the impossible non-Euclidean wife shape say to her impossible non-Euclidean husband shape?

"This relationship is very one-sided."

I bought a new boat and it's the best, except it's shaped like a centaur.

Great horsemanship.

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

How does the Mona Lisa stay in shape.

Paint thinner.

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...

I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2

Some shapes got involved in an accident.

The circle got up and looked round, the triangle suffered acute injuries and the square was alright.

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man

At least that's what I told him when he saw it.

Every shape is basically a circle

It's just that they are all edgy.

I love my life. Everybody around me is so happy. I am happy with myself and proud of my accomplishments. I would never think to harm myself in any way shape or form. And my heart is filled with nothing but positivity to myself and everyone around me.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

Fellas, if your girl has some form of Polyethylene terephthalate in the shape of an equiangular quadrilateral with the hex code of ff0000

get out fast, that’s a red flag.

Credit to u/wcollins260

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

I'm trying to buy one of those triangle-shaped cabins, but my credit isn't good enough to get a loan.

I'll have to get someone to cosine.

Why was the Catholic priest in such good shape?

He exorcised.

How do chess players stay in shape?

They lift rooks.

What would you call a show if it was Bridgerton but everyone was out of shape?

Downton Flabby

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

My friend told me to get in shape

I mean isn’t round a shape ?

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

I lost my house key shaped like a bottle opener.

Now I worry about someone breaking in and opening all my beers

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

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How come Italy is shaped like a boot?

Can’t fit that much shit in a shoe.

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What do you call a penis shaped boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A fucking stick.

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

I found an animal cracker shaped like Jesus...

...it was a snackrificial lamb.

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

What does Bigfoot do to keep his glutes in shape?

Sasquats

I wanted to take ownership of a building shaped like a triangle.

But I couldn’t get anyone to cosine.

I shape my political ideology around an old socialist Jew.

Jesus Christ

I really don't understand how Karen’s aren’t in better shape...

They’re always stretching the truth and jumping to conclusions

What be a pirate's favorite shape?

An arc.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

A man gets a job at a computer store that sells food shaped computers.

He was fired for trying to take a byte.

What do you call someone who doesn't know there shapes

A flat earther

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35.

His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

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Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.

There's absolutely no point to it.

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

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"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

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My penis is in pretty good shape......

....considering all the beatings it has taken.

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

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I’m gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar

I’ll be back in a Jif

To get in shape I had a bike made out of taffy but I never rode it

It was a viscous cycle

What's the most useless shape?

A circle. It's pointless.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.

I said I would triangle back to that question later on.

Future is shaped by your dreams.

So, stop wasting time and go to sleep.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

Little Timmy is playing with a shape sorter.

After multiple attempts, Timmy starts getting frustrated while trying to fit a square block into an oval hole.

Timmy's father watches the sheer persistence of his son with a sort of wonder until Timmy screams,

"HOW DOES THIS A SQUARE FIT IN AN OVAL?!?"

Timmy's father, wishing to...

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

A guy in my class just claimed that a ring-shaped coral reef is also an island.

But it's not an island, atoll.

I bought a cow shaped lamp for the bedroom, my wife asked me what for?

I said its for mood lighting.

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

I made my girlfriend listen to shape of you

She didn't like it so sheeran away

I've just treated myself to a new mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling...

It's a Gnocchia.

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

What's a funny geneticist's favorite shape?

A pun-nett square

I'm making a cookie brand called NIT (new incredible taste). It will be shaped like a chocolate chip cookie and will contain a fortune on the bottom.

FortuneNIT for you.

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

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The bread I made came out the oven shaped like a voluptuous womans butt!

I tried not to let it turn me on, but dat ass dough!

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

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I know why women want to be shaped like an hour glass.

Because all they do is waste my time

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

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What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

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