How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

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What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis

Dildon’t!

I made my girlfriend listen to shape of you

She didn't like it so sheeran away

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Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

A: Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe.

I bought an L shaped sofa.

Lowercase l

If I was a shape I would be a Hexahectahexaheptahexagon.

I'm super edgy, my plane of existence is pointless, and that's how I roll.

Why are nipple pasties often in the shape of stars?

To make the milky way.

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, B...

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TIL that wombats poo is shaped like a cube instead of spherical.

I almost shit a brick.

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My flaccid penis is square shaped...

When I get hard it becomes an erectangle.

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

I taught a parrot to recognize shapes...

But now polygon

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What body shape do you wanna be when you die?

Ripped.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

What do you call a candle shaped like Keanu Reeves?

John Wick

I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition

It was pure-bread.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

Did you hear about the mathematician who miscalculated the shape of the Earth?

He made a rounding error

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

My New Year’s resolution was to get in shape.

I chose round.

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A US Army General was visiting a base in Bulgaria

His tour of the base brought him into the infirmary, where a US soldier was lying in a bed in really bad shape. In the next bed, there was a Russian soldier in similar shape. Afraid that this might lead to an incident, the General asked the US soldier to tell him what happened.

“Well, sir,” b...

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

It's so sad I just realized Earth isn't a triangle shape!!

Well I guess there isn't any point in life anymore

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Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

The heart shaped wreath at the funeral of a a cardiologist

makes one wonder for the funeral of a gynaecologist.

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I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...

I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia-shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a doctor I’ve never seen anything like it.
Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth ...

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

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The priest and the nun.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks prett...

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

Good jokes are like anti vax kids

They come in many shapes and sizes, normally created by people that have less-than-average intelligence, and most importantly never gets old

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

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My friend jokingly said if a clown had to have sex with any shape, which one- I immediately said circle because

Of how they like to fuck around

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A guy with a dick-shaped nose walks into a bar

“Why the schlong face?” Asks the bartender.

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

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The bread I made came out the oven shaped like a voluptuous womans butt!

I tried not to let it turn me on, but dat ass dough!

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The Lie Detector

A man buys a robot shaped like an arm and a hand and brings it home to his wife and son.

Son: "What is it?"

Dad: "It's a lie detector robot. It slaps people who lie."

Son: "No way!"

Dad: "It really is. Here let's try it: why weren't you at school today?"

Son (def...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.

Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.

"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "

She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm think...

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

I got some people shaped cookies for Christmas.

I didn't want to assume their ginger...

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

My name for a the reptilian shaped microscopic creature really blew up the scientific community.

It was dinomite.

Horse buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I hav...

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

One day, a guy went into a store,

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing. He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.


The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him. ...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

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Budweiser method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third...

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.

Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.

But anyway that's the story of my first extra...

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A Man, A Woman, A Hobby!

A man has been alone on a deserted island for ten years. One day a beautiful woman in SCUBA gear swims up on shore.

"Oh, thank God! I've been alone here for so long!"

She unzips the side of her wet suit, revealing a shapely arm, and says, "Then, you've probably not had one of these ....

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

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Young brats and old man.

Two teenage kids were waiting for the bus and there was this old man sitting at the station.

Let's go and tease the grandpa- they said.

-Hey sir can we ask you a question?
-yes sure.
-What's a thing with two wheels that you can ride?
A bicycle said the old man.
- Yes ...

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What's the difference between a nude and a guitar accessory shaped like a penis?

One's a dick pic.

The other's a dick pick.

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A man walks into a bar with his pet gorilla.

The man walks in with his leashed pet gorilla and sits at the counter. The man asked the barkeeper whether it is okay to unleash the gorilla, in which the barkeeper agreed as the gorilla seemed to be very calm. The man then unleashed the gorilla and the gorilla walks off around the bar.

Firs...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

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My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
<...

Which birds fly in a F shape?

Geese with dyslexia

On my first day working for TSA we searched a neat, sandwich shaped suitcase.

It was jam packed.

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A guys sitting at a bar.

A guy sitting at the bar having a quiet drink by himself. Soon a middle age woman sat down next to him and strike up a conversations. The subject soon turned to sex and the woman asked him if he ever heard of the "huntman's special?" Admitting that he never heard of it, he asked what "What is it...

An 80-year-old Irishman goes to the doctor for a check-up...

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says Don, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Irish whi...

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A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54...

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

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An Italian Farmer was working the fields with his three sons and notices that two of them were out of breath because they were over weight.

He called over to his three sons and spoke to each of them.

Papa: "Luigi, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Luigi: "Papa, I love eating my wife's lasagna. It's so good!!!"
Papa: "Son, you need to take smaller bites."

Papa: "Mario, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Mario: "Papa, I lo...

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"

"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."

The elevator opens an...

In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.

Each penne saved was a penne earned.

What's the most useless shape?

A circle. It's pointless.

Did you hear about the guy who was captured by cannibals and turned into a canoe?

Don't worry. He's in ship shape now.

The Shape of Water?

More like Grinding Nemo, amirite?

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My sex drive is too high

MY SEX DRIVE IS TOO HIGH

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

...

A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.

Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”

“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me...

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Anti vaxx joke

When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’...

I found a green vegetable in the shape of a clock. But I won't eat it.

Not for the time bean

Pizza is all about shapes

Box - square
Pie- circle
Slice - triangle
Me - out of

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A chocolate company was making chocolates shaped like a woman's ass.

Some "upstanding citizens" demanded that they discontinue the product, as they claimed it was lewd and disrespectful. They staged a large, loud protest outside the factory.

This upset another group of citizens, who thought the company should make what they like, and the protestors should min...

A woman walks into her dermatologist’s office

and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large H-shaped rash.

The doctor replies, "Now, that is the strangest rash I've ever seen."

The woman explains, "Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we mak...

I saw the bartender pull a beer from a lever in the shape of a helix.

I asked him what beer that was and he said, "This is Spiral Tap."

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A woman heads to the doctors office

for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,
"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on he...

A thought about Del Toro’s “The Shape of Water”

“The Shape of Water” is a story about a woman who falls in love with an otherworldly creature that learns how to communicate, has a funny scene where he interacts with a domestic setting and has magical healing hands. He is also returned to his natural environment, almost dying on the way by a pluck...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

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A farmer was selling his

peaches door to door. He knocked on a
door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer
negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her
the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, ...

What shape is Pac Man?

An om-nom-nom-ogon

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