How did Jesus stay in such great shape?

Crossfit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve got this new hobby. I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.

It’s called Whore-a-gami.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the gayest shape?

A trapezoid.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

Three shapes are in a bar. The square says, "So then I said, It's all RIGHT!"

The triangle joins in and says, "Hah, what a weird tangent!"

The circle walks in and says, "Hey triangle, you are looking ACUTE!"

Triangle responds "Hi circle! Good to see you AROUND!"

They all share in laughter.

Circle asks "Is this why we have no friends?"

A fu...

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

I got frustrated when my friend couldn't draw a 2 sided closed shape.

But then I decided to let bi-gons be bygones.

It's so sad I just realized Earth isn't a triangle shape!!

Well I guess there isn't any point in life anymore

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

I once bought a cake in the shape of a chess set

When I tasted it, it was terrible, so I took it back to the store and said "This is stale mate!!"

The shopkeeper said "Are you sure??"

I said "I'm sure, if you don't believe me, then check mate!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's a sluts favourite shape?

Erect-angle

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Did you hear about the mathematician who miscalculated the shape of the Earth?

He made a rounding error

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

I have only two new years resolutions: To get back into the shape I was before the accident...

....and to stop referring to the fact that I eat too much junkfood, 'the accident'

Don't try to change the shape of 2-sided polygons.

Let bigons be bigons.

Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar

So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.

‘What are you doing out here at three o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fun fact: saying the word "poop" makes the same shape with your mouth as your bum hole does when pooing

The same is also true for "explosive diarrhoea"

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.

Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.

"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "

She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm think...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Know what they call those specialty cake pans in the shape of penises?

Peter Pans

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

My New Year’s resolution was to get in shape.

I chose round.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend jokingly said if a clown had to have sex with any shape, which one- I immediately said circle because

Of how they like to fuck around

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

Shape of You

I put "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran as my 6:30 alarm. Now I wake up at 5:00 so that I don't have to hear it.

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

The Shape of Water?

More like Grinding Nemo, amirite?

I remember having this little plastic cut out shapes to help with drawing when I was little.

I used to be really obsessive about them actually, I'd spend hours. But there would always be more to draw around.

Then I had this realization, that I'd never be done. I'd run out before I could finish. It was weirdly horrifying and morbid.

But anyway that's the story of my first extra...

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night.

I love you, alarm clock.

How does Thanos keep in shape?

With a balanced diet.

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.

I found a green vegetable in the shape of a clock. But I won't eat it.

Not for the time bean

What kind of shape can cure a curse?

A Hexagon

I saw the bartender pull a beer from a lever in the shape of a helix.

I asked him what beer that was and he said, "This is Spiral Tap."

What's the most useless shape?

A circle. It's pointless.

A thought about Del Toro’s “The Shape of Water”

“The Shape of Water” is a story about a woman who falls in love with an otherworldly creature that learns how to communicate, has a funny scene where he interacts with a domestic setting and has magical healing hands. He is also returned to his natural environment, almost dying on the way by a pluck...

You know this country is in bad shape

When the Statue of Liberty has to work part time as a sign spinner.

Six months ago, my wife asked me to get in shape.

Since then, I have been eating everything in sight. Today I am proud to say that I am a circle!

Why were the geometry students so bad at sports?

Because they were really out of shape.

You know how geese always fly in a V shape, and one side of the V is always longer than the other? Ever wonder why that is?

It's because there's more geese on that side.

What shape is Pac Man?

An om-nom-nom-ogon

What's the ugliest shape?

An eyesoresceles triangle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

How did Jesus get in such good shape to always have a six-pack in his paintings?

Cross-fit

I want to tie a rope into the shape of the letter Y.

Why you ask?

Y knot.

Did you hear about the convention for irregular and non-quadrilateral shapes?

Be there or be sqaure

What's Hugh Heffner's favorite shape?

A Rectangle

What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.

To get in shape, I need to pick up a sport as a hobby...

I was thinking about competitive eating.

What's a 3d shape's favourite country?

Cuba

What is Admiral Ackbar's favorite shape?

IT'S A TRAPezoid!

What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?

Geometrick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm a shape-shifter who masturbates on online chat boards

I come in different forums

I take pride in the fact that in this day and age, I manage to keep myself in shape...

... Round is a shape, isn't it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hot widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Myers.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his ...

What do you call a six sided shape that's missing?

A hex-a-gone

[body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old...

Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?

I don't understand how a priest can be out of shape...

They're always exorcising.

- My girlfriend told me some guy started singing he was in love with her shape.

+ What did she do?
- Sheeran away.

I'm so out of shape

Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape...

I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

My grandmother finds it important to stay in shape, so she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Out of all my body parts, my eyes are in the best shape...

I roll them at least 489 times a day.

What's gray, disappointing, and in the shape of an oval?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anti vaxx joke

When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is asked to build a fence.

One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house.
He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days".
The man re...

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

What shape gets rid of curses?

A hexagon

How do hair stylists get in shape?

Curling Iron.

My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year.

He's doing confidence intervals.

Where does the 3D shape go when it murders someone?

Prism

If you burn a cookie in the shape of a Star Wars character...

...is it crunchy or Chewie?

So summer is coming up and i think I'm in good enough shape to pull off a two piece.

The hardest part is just chasing her down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)

Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to...

What do you call a twelve faced shape made out of genitals?

A dodickahedron.