UPJOKE
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The CIA is interviewing three potential agents…

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in ...

Me talking to a potential date. “I am 30 years old and have the body of a 18 year old” Potential date: “Oh yeah? Prove it”. Me,

“I would but I really don’t want to walk over to my freezer right now”.

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that... car go road.”

Did you know the US police have the most comprehensive and well maintained database of potential racist shooters?

They call it “the payroll”.

Professor X asks a potential new, young mutant recruit, "What's your mutant power?"

Mutant: "Hindsight!"

Professor X: "That's not going to help us at all"

Mutant: "Yes, I can see that now"

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

------

Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

Click here for a potential once in a lifetime opportunity!

Thank you for entering the Russian roulette tournament.

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

The picky princess and Peasant John

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom ruled by a kind but ageing king. This king had a single daughter, beautiful and clever, but incredibly picky regarding suitors.
At first, the king entertained many foreign princes and young nobles, seeking the hand of his daughter in marriage. However, the pr...

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,


Two thousand men and women immediately
stop work and leave the building.


"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."


"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. <...

A physicist's girlfriend said she wished he'd help her realize her potential.

So he threw her off a 100 meter cliff.

A bodybuilder asked his doctor: "what's better, whey protein, or pea protein?"

"Weigh protein, of course!" replied the doctor. "For one thing, weighing protein isn't a potential sign of kidney failure."

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

They say that there is a potential murderer in every friend group

I suspected it was Dave so I killed him before he could harm anyone.

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Potential vs reality

An 8 year old son asks his father
"what is the difference between Potential and Reality"
father turns to his wife
"would you sleep with George .W. Bush for $I million ?

Wife"of course i will never waste that opportunity"
father turns to his daughter
"would you sleep with Brad p...

Dummy

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde...

Potentially funny joke

One day I went to the pet store and picked up some bird seeds. Then, as I was standing in line to purchase them, the cashier was trying to make some small talk with me and I asked, "So how long does it take for the birds to actually grow?" I wonder why she looked at me funny?

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

Kamikaze pilots had a lot of potential.

But it turned out they were all one hit wonders.

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

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One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

I feel like there is good pun potential...

in the intersection of weigh, way, and whey, but I can't quite get it to come out smoothie.

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

My favorite Easter Joke

St Peter meets three new potential Heaven Members and says, “Ok, tonight we’re going to have a quiz. Just a simple question: What is Easter?”

The first guy says, “oh, that’s easy. It’s when the family gets together and have turkey and mashed potatoes and…”

“No, no. That’s Thanksgiving!...

What do you call someone who goes to bars to find potential new partners?

A bar-tinder.

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate before potentially donating a large sum of money

The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they’re walking, they run into a man who’s masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once they are out of the room, he explains that the man h...

They say in every group of friends, there is at least one that has the potential to be a serial killer...

So just to be safe, I killed all of them.

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Read this joke and thought it has potential. Apologies if it has been repeated.

There were four nuns driving in a van. It crashes and they all die. At the gates of heaven the angel says to them:

"If you want to enter there's one thing you must do. Have you ever touched a dick before?"

The first nun says,"Well you see, I was a nurse and once I had to bathe this old...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

I recently found out my GPS can point out potential wildlife threats

It always tells me "bear left"

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

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AITA for sending someone to the hospital?

One time, I happened to be in this city. I don’t really remember the name, I think it was like Watican or something?

There was a huge crowd gathered in front of a building, so I went with them to see what they were all looking at. Then, two people came out of a balcony and I recognized one of...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

Apparently, when I was born the doctor told my parents that I was born with a lot of potential

Well I must of touched something grounded thereafter

One day, I showed my art teacher an artwork of mine and asked her, “Do you think I can have a career in art?”

She looked at my artwork for a few minutes. To my delight, she told me, “Well… You have potential as a drawer.”

My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy

Then i fell down the stairs and lost it all

What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building?

He had so much potential

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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

A plane is about to crash.

The pilots were the first to jump, they left two parachutes for the three remaining passengers: The smartest man in the world, a priest and an art student.

The smartest man in the world takes one without thought and says:

"It is evident that the world will need the likes of me. As I am...

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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

I was once in a band called "1023MB”,

I thought we had potential, but we just couldn't get a gig.

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

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My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

Word is Trump is trying to downplay the severity of the potential coronavirus spread in the US

Basically he’s trying to covid
It up.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell...

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

In my Science class we were talking about Kinetic and Potential energy. I said outloud "No wonder my mom calls me Kinetic"

"Because I have no Potential"

A physicist sees a man standing on a rooftop

And shouts

"Don't do it! You have so much Potential!"

Physics Joke with a twist

Teacher: You have a lot of potential, you should use it

*I realize I am standing on top of a building*

Teacher: You can convert that potential into work

We have a valid potential solution for global warming.

Nuclear winter.

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

What do you call someone that had great potential in highschool, but now has no friends, no career aspirations, and is satisfied with a menial job?

Idk what others would say, but I know my dad is refusing to call me "son"

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

What do you call it when your back spasms from carrying around all the money you made on contracts to detain potential immigrants?

A compensation cramp.

The Story of Creation as told by Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that ma...

My Physics teacher said I have no Potential

Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live...

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that’s where students have the most potential.

A guy is trying to sell his dog to a potential buyer:

\-Healthy?

\-Healthy!

\-Intelligent?

\-Intelligent!

\-Loyal?

\-The most! It's the 5th time I'm selling him.

Nothing unleashes your potential like ...

Jumping off a high building... m.g.h to be exact ...

You know, under the right context, a kidnapping has the potential to be a very serene experience

For example, a kid napping.

Physics joke

People always ask me why i like the last row in movie halls.


I just feel like they have alot more potential than the the first row.

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A businessman is waiting at a cafe for a potential client...

when he looks over and sees Bill Gates reading the paper. He nervously approaches the billionaire and introduces himself.
"Hello Mr. Gates, my name is Peter, I'm a big fan of yours and if it's not too much trouble I'd like to ask a favor of you."
Bill Gates seems hesitant but asks the man...

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The commander of the Russian military academy (corresponding to the rank of 4-star general in the US Army) gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy. At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.

One of the officers stood up and asked: "Will there be a Third World War?" And will Russia take part in it? The general answered positively to both questions.
Another officer asked: "Who will be our enemy?" The general replied: "Everything indicates that it will be China."
All were shocked in ...

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.



“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”



“That...

I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars:

a lottery ticket.

What did the physicist say to the young man

who was about to jump off the Empire State building?


Don’t do it. You have so much potential.

My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...

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Arranged Marriage

A guy meets three potential girls on a couple of dates to decide his bride for an arranged marriage. His friend asks, “so how did it go?”

Guy: “Well, I decided to do a little experiment. On first date, I gave each of them $1000, and then asked them what they did with it on the second date a w...

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal nut allergy

They would hold me up against the wall and play Russian roulette with a bag of revels

How is potential energy like a potential future?

When you fall down a cliff you're getting rid of both.

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A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

If I described myself in one word, I'd say, "Potential"

I was too lazy to add the "Wasted".

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

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A man is trying to decide which woman to marry...

He is picking out of three women. In order to test which one he should marry he gave each one of them $5000 to see what they would do.

The first woman spends her money on new clothes, lingerie, and a total makeover. She tells him she did it because she loves him so much and wants to look gre...

So a realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House

A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?"

The realtor says "Brochure"

Everyone and everything has great potential

For example, today I was circulating through a furniture shop and saw an unplugged lamp that looked like it could really light up a room if only it was given the opportunity to shine

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Why sex life of necrophiacs is frustrating?

Potential partners are under a rock

I think we're looking at the NSA spying thing the wrong way, there are potential positives.

Soon if you forget your email password you'll be able to ring the CIA and they'll remind you.

Designated

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying hi...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients?

Grounds for divorce

Girl are you an electron?

Because I’m positive I feel potential between us

What's the main thing a woman needs to think about when considering a potential boyfriend?

Is this the man I want my kids to spend every second weekend with?

Potentially offensive Muslim pick-up line [NSFW]

Hey girl, are you prayer? Because I'd love to do you 5 times a day

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

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