UPJOKE
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Someone keyed the music teacher’s car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, ther...

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The key

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
...

Dad, I lost my key

Daisy called her dad, "Dad, I lost my key of the front door, I'm in front of the house and cannot enter it, can you help?"

Dad, "OK, did you call your hubby?"

Daisy, "I didn't, but he texted me back said he's in a meeting and cannot come back in a few hours."

Dad, "So, do ...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

What do prison and the shift key have in common

they both turn your "o" into an "O"

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

Cybersecurity experts have found an easy way to spot North Korean hackers. They never use the shift key.

They hate capitalism.

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

I asked 7 famous supermodels “what is the key to a guy getting your attention?” And they all said the same thing.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

In what key do ghosts play the piano?

In the spoo-key.

The key to a successful marriage is patience

I've been waiting 51 years for a successful one

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

What sort of key do you use to open a banana?

A mon-key

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Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"

The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to th...

There are 3 keys to make a good joke

CTRL, C and V

How are people and piano keys alike?

When the right ones are together they form accord

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The key to a happy marriage...

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to consult a marriage counsellor to try and resolve their problems. To begin, the marriage counsellor says the couple, "Tell me something you two have in common."

The husband quickly replies, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."

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Gabriel’s horn or heavens key?

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed:

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to d...

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

My wife just shoved a key lime pie in my face and stormed out of the house!

I've been desserted!

What’s the key to a good mailman joke?

The delivery.

Key to a successful marriage

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband was asked what was the secret to their marriage. He replied, “When we first got married, we agreed that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small decisions. So far it’s been all small decisions.”

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

If hard work is the key to success,

most people would rather pick the lock.

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My gf wanted me to fuck her with the car keys.

But I kept fobing her off.

Key to success in life

One day a young man, confused and directionless in life, was walking in a park.

He sees a well-dressed and well-to-do old man sitting on a bench, feeding the birds and enjoying the scenery. He walks up to him and says, "Sir, you seem to have done well for yourself in life, do you mind telling...

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A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key?

A shitty lock.

What type of key opens a banana?

A monkey.




Please help me

V

V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

Jamaicans that fear operating doors with a key...

They dreadlocks.

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

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The key to paradise

Son: dad, what does mum have between her legs.

Dad: paradise

Son: what do you have between your legs.

Dad: the key to paradise

Son: maybe you should change the locks.

Dad: what? Why do you say that?

Son: because the neighbour has a 2nd key to it.

A thief took my Microsoft Office license key

I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

The key to good cooking

I used to be like that shouty chef on Hell's Kitchen. When I worked in the kitchen I yelled and shouted all the time. And then I discovered oven mitts.

A man went down from Chicago to the Key West for a holiday.

His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the gri...

What kind of key does a ghost use?

a spoo-key

I lost my house key shaped like a bottle opener.

Now I worry about someone breaking in and opening all my beers

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Matrix Management: The Key to Happiness

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed b...

What is Roy Moore's favorite piano key?

A minor

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

What key does R Kelly prefer to sing?

B minor.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

What key has legs and can't open a door?

A Turkey

When suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, what's the key difference between being neurotic and being psychotic?

Being neurotic is bad for you, being psychotic is bad for everyone else.

They say repetition is the key to success.

They say repetition is the key to success.

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

A baby key is watching his dad unlock a door…

One key see, one key do.





Please improve on this, I just came up with it.

The key to successful relationships is being earnest and frank...

... so when I'm with my wife in Washington D.C., I'm Earnest, and with my girlfriend in Baltimore, I'm Frank.

A man said to his wife “Honey, you are the key to my heart.”

His wife then, “Okay. Then who was the women you were with yesterday?”

Husband, “The duplicate.”

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

Just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts.

But to be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

What kind of "key" are you?

An Iranian and an American sat on a plane next to each other, there was silence until the American asked the Iranian :

-What kind of ian are you?

-What?

-I meant Indian, Indonesian, or Iranian?

-Oh I'm Iranian

Two hours passed without a word

The Iranian aske...

Why did the Escape key want to leave?

Because it kept being repressed.

What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

The key to a successful relationship

Find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

What's Gary Glitter's favourite key?

A Minor

A drunk man drops his keys

After a night of heavy drinking, at around 2 a.m. a man staggers to get home. He hears his keys fall out of his pockets. Annoyed by this he swears and starts looking for them.

Some time later a cop car patrolling the area stops by him and a policeman gets out of the car and asks him:

...

The keys for men to find happiness in a relationship are as follows

Find a woman that understands your flaws, a woman that loves you, a woman that has a great sense of humour and make sure those three women don’t find out about each other.

A redditor walks into a bar...

v



Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

A boyfriend loses the key to his girlfriend's apartment....

Gets no new key.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

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Frank asked Joe what function key on a Windows PC is used to spell check

Joe responded: “F5”

Frank said “No that’s refreshing my browser page”

Joe said “No look at the window!! Fucking F5!”

Frank angrily replied “DUDE! I’m looking! it’s refreshing the page, not spell check!!”

Frank took some initiative and looked it up himself to find that the...

What's R Kelly's favorite musical key?

A Minor

My ten year old daughter told this one...

A girl and a boy are locked out of their house. They can't find any way in, so the girl leans forward and starts talking to the door lock... "Hey door lock you're looking nice today, why don't you go ahead and let us in."

The door magically unlocks itself. The boy is shocked, "how did you d...

Chewbacca locked the keys in the Millennium Falcon.......

It was a Wookie mistake!

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

Why do fish always sing off key?

Because you can't tuna fish

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

What's the key to a long married life?

Not getting divorced.

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What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

My professor told me that the key to passing the exam is to break it down and I've done two-thirds of what he said

I break down

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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A woman is enjoying herself with her lover and hears keys rattle in the door.

"Hurry," she said, "get into this bag and hide on the balcony. In comes another lover, they get to it and, again she hears tge ratteling of keys. "Get into the bag and hide on the balcony" she says. In comes a third lover. The same thing. Again, keys in the lock and again the lover jumps into a bag ...

Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?

Because the & is near

My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock?

A turkey.

They say confidence is key...

... I guess that's why I'm always locked out.

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

Who are the most important key workers during a lockdown?

Locksmiths

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

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A key to a woman’s heart is being able to make her laugh.

She laughed at the size of my penis

Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them

They're mostly old and white.

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

My keyboard's "W" key broke today.

I don't know if I can just move forward from this.

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The button next to the "2" key on my keyboard broke.

Guess it was 1 key.

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NSFW. Establishing Good Clear Communication is the Key to a Happy Marriage.

At his wedding reception the groom's uncle (who's had more than a few drinks) pulls the groom aside.

"My boy in this day & age I have pass along to you the benefit of my experience.
You know it's best to establish clear communication with your new wife. Cause once the honeymoon period ...

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Girl are you sitting on an F5 key?

Cause that ass is refreshing.

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

Protesters pulled down a statue of Francis Scott Key last weekend

Francis Got Keystered.

What is the only key a piano can play in after it was dropped down the mine shaft?

Minor B flat

Key ring

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

I switched my friends M and N keys

Some might call me a monster. But others may call me a nomster

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