A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

Did you hear about the ant who stored his food inside a keyboard?

He's got everything under CTRL

Do you eat monkeys?

Because I want to put Macauqe in your mouth.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

I love the F5 key

It's so refreshing

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

While cleaning my keyboard, I lost one of the keys.

I lost control.

An ant has been living under my keyboard for a while but now I’ve managed to make it stay under only one key

Don’t worry I’ve got it under ctrl

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

What's R Kelly's favorite musical key?

A Minor

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what in what key will it play when it lands?

A flat minor.

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

How do you escape from a closed cellar without the keys?

I don't know either, please help me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place
to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."<...

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

v

v


EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken

So I was fired from the keyboard factory today...

Boss told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the ...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the key say to the door handle ?

You’re such a knob.

What kind of key do you use for a kitchen?

A Cookie.

What type of key opens a banana?

A monkey.




Please help me

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The ...

In my experience, what's the key to a successful marriage?

Whiskey.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.

"What are you doing looking at me like that?"

"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he open...

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

Seven piano keys walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we cannot serve alcohol to A Minor."

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

&#x200B;

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

&#x200B;

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

I just hate the Windows key.

Really takes you out of the game.

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

Why couldn't the car key get a date?

Because everyone thought he was a little door key

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other “I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I’ll run inside and see if they have one!”

The other blonde says “Ok, well hurry because it looks like it’s going to rain and the to...

What are the three keys to a frontpage post?

Ctrl, C, and V.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

Why do fish always sing off key?

Because you can't tuna fish

The key to winning freeze tag?

Sliding tackles.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

phsyically implausible excuses

i cant make it today i drove over my car keys

sorry i was late when i was walking over i tripped fell and accidently hung myself

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.

It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.

Someone keeps taking my task manager combination keys off my keyboards.

I’ve lost all control, and I have no alternative but to delete this horrible joke.

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key?

That car wooden start.

You ever lock your keys in your car at a Planned Parenthood?

Kinda awkward asking them for a coat hanger to unlock your car

What do prison and the shift key have in common

they both turn your "o" into an "O"

The key to any good mailman joke

is in the delivery.

About to be Grounded for a Joke

Convo that just happened between me and mom (background: mom is a high-key liberal):


Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Mom: Ok

Me: What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Mom: Astronaut\*

Me: Ok, what do you do if you see an astronaut?

Mom: Idk

Me: You p...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my ...

So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard

But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

The adult version of "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" is

"Wallet, glasses, keys and phone"

I want anarchy

Because my keyboard is missing one.

My gf just sent me an SMS: "Spacekeydoesn'tworkcanyougivemeanalternative"

I am really excited but what the f**k does ternative mean?

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Where do all the keyboard keys get drunk?

Where do all the keyboard keys get drunk? At the space bar.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

Why Hello! Thanks for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman approaches a monk and asks "how come if a man has sex with a lot of women he is a player, but if a woman has sex with a lot of men she is a slut?"

The monk looks the woman and says "a key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock that gets opened by many of keys is a shitty lock"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex with a woman on top of a keyboard

I made her qwert

What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?”

The father reply, “The door to heaven!”



“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!”

Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neigh...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...