Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

I love the F5 key

It's so refreshing

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

So I was fired from the keyboard factory today...

Boss told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

v

v


EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The ...

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!


My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the ...

I just hate the Windows key.

Really takes you out of the game.

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

What type of key opens a banana?

A monkey.




Please help me

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

A key lime pie costs $3.50 in Cuba, a lemon meringue pie costs $4.50 in the Dominican Republic...

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A letter to Keyboard Manufacturers

Dear Keyboard Manufacturers,

I'm writing to request a redesign so that 'g' and 't' wouldn't be right next to each other.

Retards,

I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

Why couldn't the car key get a date?

Because everyone thought he was a little door key

Seven piano keys walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we cannot serve alcohol to A Minor."

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.

"What are you doing looking at me like that?"

"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he open...

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

What are the three keys to a frontpage post?

Ctrl, C, and V.

Why do fish always sing off key?

Because you can't tuna fish

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

The key to winning freeze tag?

Sliding tackles.

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other “I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I’ll run inside and see if they have one!”

The other blonde says “Ok, well hurry because it looks like it’s going to rain and the to...

You ever lock your keys in your car at a Planned Parenthood?

Kinda awkward asking them for a coat hanger to unlock your car

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.

It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.

The key to any good mailman joke

is in the delivery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

phsyically implausible excuses

i cant make it today i drove over my car keys

sorry i was late when i was walking over i tripped fell and accidently hung myself

Someone keeps taking my task manager combination keys off my keyboards.

I’ve lost all control, and I have no alternative but to delete this horrible joke.

What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key?

That car wooden start.

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

A redditor walks into a bar...

v

​

Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...

What do prison and the shift key have in common

they both turn your "o" into an "O"

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my ...

So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard

But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.

Where do all the keyboard keys get drunk?

Where do all the keyboard keys get drunk? At the space bar.

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

My gf just sent me an SMS: "Spacekeydoesn'tworkcanyougivemeanalternative"

I am really excited but what the f**k does ternative mean?

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner...

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

Whenever I win a competition people call me boastful and arrogant. But how can I be Low Key...

When I'm not the son of Odin.

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

I want anarchy

Because my keyboard is missing one.

Why Hello! Thanks for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call....

Room 39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.


\-The client: is room 39 empty?
\-The boss: yes, sir.
\-The client: can I book it?
\-The boss: of course you can.
\-The client: thank you.


Before going to th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had sex with a woman on top of a keyboard

I made her qwert

I really hate the E minor key.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

They say I play like a prison guitarist

I'm always behind a few bars, and I can never find the right keys

What's the difference between keys and people?

Only one comes out when it's straight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman approaches a monk and asks "how come if a man has sex with a lot of women he is a player, but if a woman has sex with a lot of men she is a slut?"

The monk looks the woman and says "a key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock that gets opened by many of keys is a shitty lock"

What is Roy Moore's favorite piano key?

A minor

What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between moms legs?”

The father reply, “The door to heaven!”



“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!”

Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neigh...

What kind of keys can’t open doors?

Monkeys

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

They say confidence is key...

... I guess that's why I'm always locked out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wants to get a sex toy for his wife while he's out of town...

So the man heads to a sex toy store. After a while browsing he goes to the man at the counter and asked if he had any thing that would keep his wife entertained while he was out of town for a couple weeks, the man replies with "I've got just the thing. It's called a voodoo dildo." The man was scepti...

My father grounded me...

He said if he ever saw me in front of the computer he'd smash my face in the keybouvuvwevwevwe Onyetenyevwe Ugwemubwem Ossass

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer...

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did...

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

I don't know about the key to SUCCESS.

But the key to EXCESS can be found in my fridge.

A.I. is a key concern of all good world leaders.

Unfortunately, ours thinks it’s a steak sauce.

What do you call a skeleton key?

A Spookey

Whenever I find the key to success,

someone changes the lock.

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)